Posted in the Charleston Forum
#1 Mar 4, 2014
A WV redneck was visiting one of our taverns and he got up from up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. Our bar tender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk red neck is screaming about. Jimme yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk red neck responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles." Jimmie opens the door and looks in. "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket”.
#2 Mar 4, 2014
An old man sitting at the mall watched a redneck teenager intently. This redneck teenage boy had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenage redneck was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
#3 Mar 4, 2014
!st day on the WV couples Honey Moon, the groom got early and was greeted by his lovely bride dressed in very sexy camouflage lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred to Kermet, "and you can do anything you want." So, Kermet tied her up got his dog and went possum huntin'.
#4 Mar 4, 2014
Hill Billy WEDDING MANNERS
1. Hunting dogs, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 3 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure camouflage suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
#5 Mar 4, 2014
I told your daddy that.
#6 Mar 4, 2014
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch named Clem, Hank and Winky Dinky. The first hillbilly Clem said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly Hand said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!" The third hillbilly "Winky Dinky" said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of condoms layin there... and she ain't even got a p*nis" !
#7 Mar 4, 2014
These are real notes written by parents in a Real Redneck school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yester! day he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the shi**s
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please e! xcuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sund ay paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought
it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night... Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for your
kids. And your bitchin' about your Teachers getting paid for snow days! Shame on you.
CarpMan is offline
#8 Mar 5, 2014
Uncle Jed goes to town to buy a duck. As he's heading home, he passes the local theatre and notes that a John Wane film is on the movie and he has never been to a theatre and wants to see it. Not wanting to miss the movie, Uncle Jed stuffs the duck in his pants and goes into the darkened theatre. He sits down next to two old, nearly blind ladies, Thelma and Maude. During the performance the duck gets restless and works his head out of Uncle Jeds fly. Maude looks over, pokes Thelma and says, "Look at that!" Thelma replies, "C'mon...don't tell me you've never seen one of those before!" Maude answers, "Yeah...but this one's eatin' my popcorn..." Bless you Thelma Lou!
#9 Mar 5, 2014
You have an awful lot of spare time on your hands.
#10 Mar 5, 2014
24 hours in a Day, and it al belongs to me.:-)
#11 Mar 5, 2014
a young man sitting on the curb beside two new cadillacs was asked what he would want when he grew up? i want hair all over my body he said. when asked why, he said, my sister has one little patch of hair on her, and she owns both those cadillacs.
#12 Mar 9, 2014
Bo is country boy and a transplant from WV and one of my favorite employees, on the contrary to what most may think, Bo is one of my out standing employees. I met him at the water cooler Friday with a smile as big as mountain. I said "what up Bo" He said" I'm repairing to got to WV on vacation" I said "Bo, you're not repairing , you're preparing to go to WV, I said to repair something means to fix it" He said that is what I doing, I'm fixing to go to WV on vacation. Got to love ole' Bo, he is a good janitor, keeps every thing ship shape. Ole' Bo ha been with me twelve years, has never missed a day.
#14 Mar 9, 2014
welfare pays good dont it bum
#15 Mar 9, 2014
At one time I got welfare cheese with my check, but the Gov noted that too Many people in WV were abusing it and getting too fat and causing problems to their cholesterol, so I get no more cheese, thanks to the fat red necks. Oh well I'll be happy withy just my check.
#16 Mar 10, 2014
The Sheriff in one of our small Towns here in VA walks out on the street and sees a Redneck coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat and boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he ask “Why are you dressed like this?” The redneck says “Well it’s like this Sheriff”. I was in the Bar down the street and this pretty red-head ask me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls her top off and ask me to take off my shirt… so I did. Then she pulls off her daisy Dukes and ask me to take of my pants. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kinda sexy and says ”now go to town redneck"! So here I are.
#17 Mar 15, 2014
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from WVU. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the WV redneck top that, they thought. The WV redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three Wh***s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
#18 Mar 15, 2014
hey fattycake i see your here now pourch monkey lol hehehe
#19 Mar 15, 2014
Ont kare who yar, dats funnie rite dare. Lol
#20 Mar 16, 2014
two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking his testicles, one said I wish I could do dat!! the other said, "you dumbazz, dat dog would bite chu if you tried dat'.
#21 Mar 17, 2014
a young amish girl asked her mom one evening while making supper. mother do you know what a penis is? the mother said yes, but im surprised you do. the girl said oh yes, when me and joshua was in the buggy this morning coming back from the store, he said my penis is froze, so i took it between my hands to warm it for him.
boy. hey sure defrost fast dont they?
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