Are You Stuck In a Verbally Abusive R...

Are You Stuck In a Verbally Abusive Relationship?

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Getting Out

Richlands, VA

#1 Apr 29, 2011
Many people find themselves in verbally abusive relationships. They might question if verbal abuse is a good enough reason to leave a relationship. Because words do not leave marks on the body, you might fear that you do not have the right to get out. However, verbal abuse leaves its mark on your spirit and self esteem. Nobody has the right to damage either one.
The Dr

Richlands, VA

#2 May 1, 2011
EFFECTS
OF LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE
ON THE VICTIM

Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality
check this out

Richlands, VA

#3 May 2, 2011
This is a nice thread. Hope it helps somebody. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people out there in relationships like this.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#4 May 2, 2011
I was for 8 years. I finally left and haven't looked back. There is no way I'll go through that again. Even on good days there were constant smart remarks to make me feel bad about myself or hurt my feelings. And threats on your life it you ever leave...don't forget that. I heard them many times. Getting away was scary and bad for a while but it's been almost 2 years since I left and I'm much happier now :)
VAR

Richlands, VA

#5 May 2, 2011
yeah wrote:
I was for 8 years. I finally left and haven't looked back. There is no way I'll go through that again. Even on good days there were constant smart remarks to make me feel bad about myself or hurt my feelings. And threats on your life it you ever leave...don't forget that. I heard them many times. Getting away was scary and bad for a while but it's been almost 2 years since I left and I'm much happier now :)
I'm in a Verbally Abusive Relationship now. And I'm getting smart remarks from my spouse, from time to time.
check this out

Richlands, VA

#6 May 2, 2011
Bless your heart yeah, hate you went through that but glad you got away. I think sometimes it's the low self esteem but sometimes it's the fear that keeps people in those relationships. They get to thinking if he (or she) is this mean now what are they capable of doing if I try to leave. Nobody deserves abuse of any kind. Wish the courts would take abuse more seriously and work a little harder on those protective order/restraining order cases, do more to try to keep these abused people from being harmed or killed when they do make their escape from the relationship.
VAR

Richlands, VA

#7 May 2, 2011
My problem is verbal aggression. It's these little smart remarks that keep adding up, until, I can't handle it anymore. I have been doing some research on Psychological abuse, and other forms of abuse like this. And I got to say at times I feel so trapped and controlled. It's so sad to know they are people out there that are feeling hurt and trapped as I am.
VAR

Richlands, VA

#8 May 2, 2011
VAR

Richlands, VA

#9 May 2, 2011
VAR wrote:
My problem is verbal aggression. It's these little smart remarks that keep adding up, until, I can't handle it anymore. I have been doing some research on Psychological abuse, and other forms of abuse like this. And I got to say at times I feel so trapped and controlled. It's so sad to know they are people out there that are feeling hurt and trapped as I am.
Forgot to add, emotionally abused. This is what has been taking place to me. I feel like sometimes I'm a P.O.W or something.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#10 May 3, 2011
Emotional abuse is very hard to deal with on a daily basis. I know! I wasn't a virgin when I met my ex husband. He would make a remark stating that he wanted me to go in the bedroom and give it to him when the kids were up and running around playing. The door didn't even latch. I refused and he'd say things like, "You just don't want to be with me because you've done been Fckd by everyone else so now you're tired of it." or "I bet if I was one of your ex lovers you would." The remarks went on day in and day out over just about every imaginable topic. They were hurtful and I told him how he made me feel. But he'd just tell me I was just being a Pssy that he didn't say anything bad. You don't forget it and it plays in your mind all the time. I could NOT take it anymore. I don't care if anyone that knows me believes what I went through or not. Nobody knows what went on inside our home and what me and my kids went through. He comes across as this great guy to the outside world. It is very hard to live that way. I feel sorry for anyone that thinks they can't get out. I finally know happiness and it feels great! There is help out there and it's terrifying to get it all going. But in my experience, leaving was the best thing I could ever do for me and my kids.
VAR

Richlands, VA

#11 May 3, 2011
yeah wrote:
Emotional abuse is very hard to deal with on a daily basis. I know! I wasn't a virgin when I met my ex husband. He would make a remark stating that he wanted me to go in the bedroom and give it to him when the kids were up and running around playing. The door didn't even latch. I refused and he'd say things like, "You just don't want to be with me because you've done been Fckd by everyone else so now you're tired of it." or "I bet if I was one of your ex lovers you would." The remarks went on day in and day out over just about every imaginable topic. They were hurtful and I told him how he made me feel. But he'd just tell me I was just being a Pssy that he didn't say anything bad. You don't forget it and it plays in your mind all the time. I could NOT take it anymore. I don't care if anyone that knows me believes what I went through or not. Nobody knows what went on inside our home and what me and my kids went through. He comes across as this great guy to the outside world. It is very hard to live that way. I feel sorry for anyone that thinks they can't get out. I finally know happiness and it feels great! There is help out there and it's terrifying to get it all going. But in my experience, leaving was the best thing I could ever do for me and my kids.
WOW! I know what you mean, and full understand how you feel. The person that is doing the abuse is always in self-denial. You tell them what they are doing, and they turn things around and make you feel it's your fault. They say one thing, and do another. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this pain.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#12 May 3, 2011
VAR wrote:
<quoted text>WOW! I know what you mean, and full understand how you feel. The person that is doing the abuse is always in self-denial. You tell them what they are doing, and they turn things around and make you feel it's your fault. They say one thing, and do another. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this pain.
I've handled it. I've seen a councelor for a while. But what kills me is that my kids had to go through a lot too. They don't know how to process most of the negative stuff so it's been a struggle getting through that part and trying to help them so that they can get the bad behind them. If you are in a situation like this, you don't have to stay in it. I know it's scary...more like terrifying...but you can get out and find happiness. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. It just may be covered up by all that foggy crap making it hard to see. NO one deserves to have to live that way.
VAR

Richlands, VA

#13 May 3, 2011
yeah wrote:
<quoted text>
I've handled it. I've seen a councelor for a while. But what kills me is that my kids had to go through a lot too. They don't know how to process most of the negative stuff so it's been a struggle getting through that part and trying to help them so that they can get the bad behind them. If you are in a situation like this, you don't have to stay in it. I know it's scary...more like terrifying...but you can get out and find happiness. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. It just may be covered up by all that foggy crap making it hard to see. NO one deserves to have to live that way.
I find this is helping me. It's helping me to know that others has went through what I'm going through. Thank you so very much for replying.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#14 May 3, 2011
You are definately NOT alone in this. I know it feels like it because relationships like this isolate you, but you are not.
If you do decide to get out, there are some things you need to do first. I knew about them but failed to do it. Get all of your important documents (birth certificates for you and your children if you have kids, social security cards, the important stuff). I had our social security cards and my driver's liscense in my purse but through the mess of it I forgot to grab it on my way out the door. He had my purse, MY bank card, my liscense, all of the kid's social security card and mine...he had all of my important documents. He refused to give any of them to me for months. Finally, he did give me my birth certificate. He threw it out on the hood of his car in the rain, but he gave it to me. It is impossible to get copies of these things if you have nothing to show who you are.
Think it all through and have some kind of a plan. If you don't follow through and leave, no problem. I left him about 6 times over our 8 year marriage before it was for good. But you'll feel better knowing that you have a plan. Good luck and keep your head up :)
VAR

Richlands, VA

#15 May 3, 2011
yeah wrote:
You are definately NOT alone in this. I know it feels like it because relationships like this isolate you, but you are not.
If you do decide to get out, there are some things you need to do first. I knew about them but failed to do it. Get all of your important documents (birth certificates for you and your children if you have kids, social security cards, the important stuff). I had our social security cards and my driver's liscense in my purse but through the mess of it I forgot to grab it on my way out the door. He had my purse, MY bank card, my liscense, all of the kid's social security card and mine...he had all of my important documents. He refused to give any of them to me for months. Finally, he did give me my birth certificate. He threw it out on the hood of his car in the rain, but he gave it to me. It is impossible to get copies of these things if you have nothing to show who you are.
Think it all through and have some kind of a plan. If you don't follow through and leave, no problem. I left him about 6 times over our 8 year marriage before it was for good. But you'll feel better knowing that you have a plan. Good luck and keep your head up :)
Mine is not that bad. But it's bad enough. It's like from time to time there these smart remarks. And my spouse it's like they have no heart sometimes about how I feel, and my feelings. I keep getting mixed msges from them. first they will be so loving and understanding. and then when things go bad, it's like everything's my fault. And I don't trust no one whatsoever. But if things hast to get bad just for things to get better. I'm willing to go through that.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#16 May 3, 2011
I felt the same way. I was constantly hopeful that things would get better. For me it got worse. Then when he started drinking a case of beer a day by himself and puking and peeing blood, his attitude was so much worse. I hope the best for you. I hope the fog clears and things get better. If you don't mind me asking...how long have you been together? Just wondering. We were together for 9 years, married for 8 and right before we married he changed. Got worse within weeks and I was pregnant. I should have seen a red flag when he talked me into starting a family within 4 months of dating, lol.
Me too

Richlands, VA

#17 May 3, 2011
I am in a relationship that is alot like some of these. It goes through spells of being good, bad, then worse. Then it starts all over again. Them moods changed from good to just plain mean and emotionally detatched. It left me on an emotional roller coaster. It made me feel like he didn't even like me, made me confused as to why he even wanted me around if he felt that way. But when I showed the desire to leave, he became violent and threatened to take my son. Sad thing is he convinced me he could actually do that. He drove me to drinking by making me feel useless, worthless and inflict so much emotional pain on me that drinking was the only thing that numbed the pain temporarily. It's like he battered me emotionally to knock me down, then do what he wanted and make it look like it was my fault. He would blame me for the affairs, saying all I wanted to do was argue. I don't call a calm discussion about serious problems arguing, I call it necessity. I took counseling, tried to get him to take counseling. The counseling has helped me realize, I am doing something about my problems and character flaws. He isn't doing anything about his because he says "he doesn't have a problem". I do know I am not an unfit mother, I am more in control. I haven't left but it has crossed my mind several times. I just keep praying he will get better. I do know, those emotional scars are just as painful as physical ones and will always be there.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#18 May 3, 2011
I hate to hear that you are going through this Me Too. We also went through phases from being ok to bad to even worse. But even in the ok times my character was being belittled and I was constantly put down. I used to beg him to hit me and get it over with because I wouldn't hurt any less. But he'd say he wouldn't do that because he knew I'd call the police on him. He didn't want the responsibility of the kids solely so he didn't fight me for them. And he never made me feel like a bad mom either. The few times he tried I reminded him of his parenthood methods. At least I've never let a five year old sit in my lap while driving down the 4-lane going 95 - 100 miles per hour and throwing empty beer bottles out the window. And that's just one example, lol. If you do get to the point of leaving please make a plan. That is so important. Make sure you have what you need before you go. I left him 2 months before leaving for good. That time we only had the clothes on our backs. Then went back for a month. That time I did get a few things but none of my important documents. The better prepared you are the less you will have to worry about if the situation gets bad. I wish you luck in your situation and I hope it gets better for you.
Me too

Richlands, VA

#19 May 3, 2011
I did talk to a crisis worker and she did put some of that into perspective. I was glad I talked to her. She reminded me to have a plan before I acted. My problem, I am unable to work to provide for my children and don't want to have to struggle with TANF and fighting for child support. When I leave, I wont need anything from him. I would have no money for a lawyer other than "court appointed", and everyone knows how that goes. I know that before I do leave, I have to be able to support my children and myself. He is awesome to his children except for showing a poor demonstration of how a man should treat women. I am trying harder to make me strong, fair, and shield my children and myself from the verbal and emotional abuse. If I don't resist too much, the comments are not as frequent. I think when I am most independant, he feels threatened. Many men who belittle their mate often feel threatened by them in some way. And you are so right, the physical abuse actually feels better than the emotional abuse. The pain from physical abuse actually distracts you from the emotional abuse pain.
yeah

Roanoke, VA

#20 May 3, 2011
Legal aid helped me through the visitation and child support cases and I didn't have to pay. They helped me but I didn't feel prepared for court when I got there. I did speak to my lawyer once on the phone and then didn't speak to her until a little while before our case was called. But it was efficient I guess because I got custody and was awarded child support. But they kind of pushed me to get spousal support. I really wasn't worried about that. I myself don't want anything from him but he does need to support his children. I was awarded spousal support but on the next court hearing I told them I didn't want it. He now he just pays child support. I've had a lot of help from my mom and my boyfriend. We've been together a little over a year now and he is amazing to me and my children. TANF is a headache because they require so much of you. And you'll probably have to go to job readiness classes and job club BUT they can help you get a job and they have programs that can help you get what you need for work, like clothes and stuff. My TANF case just closed because it only goes for two years. I was annoying at times but it was really helpful too. I guess I can't complain about it. I spoke to a crisis lady once when my ex put a shot gun to my head threatening to kill me if I left him. She said, "You need to get you and your children out of there now!" But I didn't leave. I was afraid. I have 3 kids and it is so terrifying to think of raising your kids on your own. But it can be done. And no matter what happens, you and your children deserve to be happy.

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