why everyone is starting to swing the...

why everyone is starting to swing these days

Posted in the Cape Girardeau Forum

First Prev
of 4
Next Last
Steve

Saint Louis, MO

#1 Jan 20, 2013
People who for the first time learn about the swinging lifestyle often assume that there has to be something wrong in a relationship within a couple for them to become swingers. Ironically, the truth is completely the opposite. This lifestyle is ONLY for couples that are happy, committed and secure in their relationships.
So, what makes this lifestyle so special and why does a growing number of modern couples decide start swinging? The fact is that there is nothing different about the people who participate in the lifestyle. What's different is the way they go about exploring their fantasies and sexuality.
Sex used to be something that only people who are deeply in love, and most of the time married, were supposed to share. One of the new realized realities of our society today is the fact that most people can now separate love and sex. Sex is becoming something more of a leisure, if you will, rather than an experience shared only with your soulmate. Does this mean that sex is no longer a physical expression of love? Of course - it still is! We still reserve "love making" only for the ones we love. However, the recreational sex is becoming something that can be detached from an actual relationship and enjoyed as an entirely separate activity.
Another new reality of the modern society is the fact that many people do require sexual variety to live a fully enjoyable sex lives. It is not a secret that most modern marriages during its existence are challenged by adultery or end up in divorce. We've all heard the statistics. Does it mean we don't love our partners or don't want them as much sexually any more? Absolutely not! "Different" doesn't mean "better". For example, when one looks at someone of an opposite sex other than his or her partner - it is not in a search for something better. By looking at someone different, we find excitement in exploring their body shapes, moves, sexuality - it's all very new, different and, therefore, exciting. Variety is what makes many people excited and the lust for it is here to stay.
One of the other newly accepted parts of our sex lives are our fantasies. By definition, they are our sexual desires which many times do NOT include our partners ( or at least not JUST them ). Even well recognized sex therapists have concluded that sexual fantasies are healthy and are here to stay as a part of almost any relationship.
So, what are the choices that modern couples face today if they are seeking some variety or spice in their sex lives? Well, there are several options. One is to suppress your feeling and keep going in denial. That is the approach that works on the surface. Everything looks great - you are a traditional "happy" couple who wants to be with no one else, but each other.( Oh, how sweet!) But the fact of the matter is that you are lying not only to yourself, but also to your partner. By suppressing your feelings you are not getting rid of them, but many times you actually make them stronger. So, there goes the trust and communication that few relationships can survive without. The second choice is something that quite a few people choose to do as a way out - adultery. Even though in this case you do get to satisfy your desires, you once again end up with the absence of those two main ingredients of any strong relationship that we just talked about. The third choice is something that has only been recently discovered by the mainstream couples - swinging. It is a lifestyle that not only keeps the trust and communication between the two partners - it requires both of those qualities to participate.
The swinging lifestyle is about sharing the sexual fantasies together with your partner ("together" being the keyword). This is the lifestyle that can only work for the committed couples that are secure in their relationships and have open and direct communication with each other.
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#2 Jan 20, 2013
Another misunderstanding about the lifestyle is the myth that swingers are people who screw everyone they meet in the lifestyle and do it as often as they can. That can't be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, most couples are not what's called "hardcore swingers". There are different types of swinging and a couple can select the one that caters to their sexuality the best. You can go only as far as social flirting, light touching with a friendly couple, or you can choose to get sexual with just your own partner while another couple is enjoying each other in the same room. It all depends on how you and your partner want your swinging experience to happen, and you should never go any further that the comfort level that you have set.
There are several kinds of swinging that couples choose to participate in. There is a "traditional" couple to couple relationship, where two couples exchange partners for the sexual activities and sometimes participate in bi-sexual play as well. There are three-way relationships where a couple invites a single male or female to play along with them. Some couples prefer to only swap bi-sexual partners. There are several more types of swinging, and they all are about sharing desires together with your partner and growing from it within your own relationship.
You don't have to jump into the lifestyle by going all the way with the first people you meet. Many couples choose to take it slow while adjusting to the new lifestyle. Some start by looking at others and talking about what they find attractive. Watching adult movies together could be another way to share fantasies and desires before inviting others to join you. Using toys, role-playing, flirting are all ways to explore. It is OK to take your time and in many cases it takes a while from the moment a couple decides to explore to their first sexual encounter.
Even though couples that join the lifestyle are looking to enhance their sex lives and overall relationships, it is also important to make sure not to damage what you already have. Each member of a couple must have a desire to satisfy both of their fantasies and not just their own. If one partner is looking to only satisfy his or her own desires dragging their partner along for the ride, it is a pretty good indication that there is something wrong in a relationship as is. In that case it is strongly recommended not to participate in the lifestyle at all. Your primary relationship with your partner is the most important thing and should be the number one priority throughout your experiences in the lifestyle.
So, make sure to keep the communication gates open between you and your partner at all times and set your pace and rules upfront for the most enjoyable experiences. It's ok to be a Swinger. Happy swinging!
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#3 Jan 20, 2013
Actually Setting Rules
Someone has to take the lead here, let it be you. The first thing you have to decide is "What am I comfortable with?" Questions you may want to ask your self are:

Am I actually comfortable with my partner receiving sexual pleasure from another person?
What if that person is of the same sex as my partner? Am I really comfortable seeing my partner give sexual pleasure to another person?
What if that person is the same sex as my partner?
Am I comfortable seeing my partner perform truly intimate acts with another person?(In this instance "truly intimate" is something you will need to define, for some "truly intimate" means kissing, for others it means sensual massage, for others it has completely different meanings, whatever your definition is, are you prepared for it?).
Am I interested in actual sexual intercourse with a person other than my partner?
Am I interested in fantasy or role-playing with someone other than my partner?
How do I feel about my partner having sexual relations with another person without my presence?
How do I feel about our potential partners being a part of our lives? Am I interested in sex with strangers or am I looking for intimate friendships that expand beyond simple sexual pleasure.
Will I practice and expect my partners to practice safe sex? How do I define safe sex? Do I expect condom or dam usage in every situation?
How will my partner and I meet potential partners?
If we choose to meet people online what will our rules be for that? Will it bother me that my partner is placing or responding to ads without my being present? Do I have any issues with my partner chatting with potential partners without me?
What am I looking for? Another couple? Single males? Single females? Roman orgy scenes?
Naturally, the questions above are not meant to be all-inclusive, but rather a starting point for you to begin thinking about your own needs, desires and comfort levels.

Tips
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#4 Jan 20, 2013
Tips
Define signals with your partner, these signals need to cover situations like: Get me out of here!, We need to talk, I'm uncomfortable, I'm interested, etc.

When setting rules it is important to be specific. For example, it may not be sufficient to say "we are comfortable with full sexual intercourse" and happily go off to meet your play partners. Questions to ask surrounding that rule may include:

How do we signal that we are uncomfortable in a situation? Don't forget there will be times when you will need a non-verbal signal, and times when the verbal signal you have defined earlier may be out of place - as an example, my wife and I defined a signal as "I need a smoke break", whenever one of us said that it meant, "we need to talk". Which was fine until we went to a swingers club and were sitting there happily smoking, and realized that we couldn't say "I need a smoke break" without seeming either crazy or sneaky.
How do we define when we are "done". My wife and I struggled with this for some time, we would be playing with another couple, and one or the other of us would essentially be "finished" and ready to go, while the other was interested in continuing to play. Don't assume anything. On one occassion, this little issue nearly made us give up the lifestyle, she was done, and I wasn't and as I continued to play, she felt left out and inadequate. Are we only going to play in the same bed? In the same room? Or are we okay with separating and playing with someone else?
If we decide that we only play together, same room, same bed, etc. What happens if one of us needs to go to the bathroom? Should the other stop playing and wait? Continue to play? Accompany the other? Will we "take one for the team"? In other words, what if we meet another couple and my partner is completely turned on by the couple we meet, and I'm not. Do we still play? If not, how will I communicate to my partner that I'm not interested?
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#5 Jan 20, 2013
Discuss everything
After each experience, talk about everything that happened. Were you excited? Challenged? Happy? Was it a pleasurable experience? Were there any "awkward" moments? Be sure to openly discuss whether you are interested in playing again with whoever you played with.
Be prepared for change
Typically, as you gain experience, your rules will evolve. When we initially began swinging, one of my rules was that I didn't want my wife to swallow for another man - this seemed like an extremely intimate act to me, and while I was comfortable with recreational sex, I was uncomfortable with perceived "intimacy" between my wife and another man.
After a few experiences, while discussing the events of the previous night, my wife pointed out to me that it was stressful to her, and to the man she was blowing to worry about exactly what I meant - was it okay for him to cum in her mouth, as long as she didn't swallow? What about pre-cum?
Her approach was excellent, and in the proper context, and after thinking about it for awhile, I decided that since we had a trusting relationship with this other couple - trusting to the point that we had forgone condoms with them - I was comfortable with her swallowing him.
More Change
Our rules evolve differently with different partners as well. Naturally, as Swingers, we play with people we trust and like. Nevertheless, with some partners, we have more "stringent " rules. Likewise, we have to be respectful of our play partner's rules as well, and their rules may change and evolve over time.
It is critical to accept that rules will change, and that each of you may have different ideas about how and when this will occur. Open and honest communication is the only hope for starting and continuing an enjoyable "swingers lifestyle".
Stick with your rules. The time to change rules is not on-the-spot, and it is not acceptable to "forget" a rule. It is also unacceptable to put your partner on the spot and demand a decision on a rule change in the heat of the moment.
If you are interested in changing or abolishing a rule, the time to discuss it is afterwards. Again, I remind you, rules are not about negotiation or argument, they are about comfort and enjoyment, so be respectful of your partner, and their feelings.
Also, be aware that your play partners have their own rules, and if you run into one that seems odd to you - remember it makes sense to them. Do not try to convince them that they should change their rule to suit you.
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#6 Jan 20, 2013
In Conclusion
Setting rules is clearly critical to enjoyment of the lifestyle, and unfortunately it can become a point of conflict if not handled with respect, caring and love for your partner. However, with some open communication, and thought an effective set of rules can lead to enjoyable experiences for all. Being a Swinger can be a good thing!
trapped

United States

#7 Jan 20, 2013
I applaud you Steve.

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#8 Jan 20, 2013
Wow such a brilliant statement. Thank you for posting this enlightening information.

“Think for yourself.”

Since: Dec 12

Anonymous

#9 Jan 20, 2013
A very well informed post. It may not be everyones cup of tea but for those that are into the lifestyle they have very strong reltionships.
Thank you for posting this information for others to consider another lifestyle option.
My spouse and I consider a life without options a boring and deadend exisitance not worth living.

If you have a life partner learn to communicate openly with them. It is the absolute best way to have a solid relationship.
Longtimeswinger

Pevely, MO

#10 Jan 20, 2013
Steve, been swinging for 30 years. Had some great experiences, some better than others. Wouldn't trade it for anything.
jkh

United States

#11 Jan 20, 2013
Great post!!! Our sentiments exactly!!!
Half of Couple

Cape Girardeau, MO

#12 Jan 20, 2013
Interesting and thought provoking posts. I've thought for years about trying the lifestyle. Unfortunately, my partner is not of the same mind...
Doctor Stiffpecker

Longview, TX

#13 Jan 20, 2013
So Stevie boy, when can I come over and bang ur wife? You can hold my cocktail.
steve

Saint Louis, MO

#14 Jan 20, 2013
Doctor Stiffpecker wrote:
So Stevie boy, when can I come over and bang ur wife? You can hold my cocktail.
As long as you have a wife i can bang,bring it sir.words and comments like that wont get you anywhere with me.Very childish.
swingingcouple

Alexandria, VA

#15 Jan 21, 2013
We've been swinging for about 6 months. We've had some great experiences and some not so good ones. Steve- your posts gave me some things to think about! Thank you!
Donkey Dix

United States

#16 Jan 21, 2013
Hey there Stevo, would you swing with a donkey, horse or dog if they had a spouse you could bang?
guest

Dexter, MO

#17 Jan 21, 2013
No donkeys!
steve

United States

#18 Jan 21, 2013
My wife and I had a threesome with a dachshund, nice wiener but a little short for my needs.
jkh

United States

#19 Jan 21, 2013
Steve,
Hahaha!!!! Love it!!! It's great to see others in the lifestyle taking a stand!
Little short!!!!!! Hahaha!!!!!
steve

United States

#20 Jan 21, 2013
Swinging Donkeys????Did you say swinging Donkeys?

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 4
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Cape Girardeau Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
hotshots 10 min Guest 2
News One man dead following officer-involved shootin... 13 min Emanresu 38
teachers and coaches leaving Cape Central 2 hr Guest 45
Becky bell\brugger and Amanda simms 3 hr Concerned citizen 4
simply a deal closed? 8 hr wondering 1
why do white people smell like wet dogs when th... (Mar '10) 9 hr Nasty ape 458
pioneer homes 12 hr peach man 9
More from around the web

Personal Finance

Cape Girardeau Mortgages