Annie's Mailbox 3-11-10

[Jess in NJ]

Dear Annie: I've been married to "Mitch" for seven years, and we have a 4-year-old son. Mitch provides well for us, and everyone at his job thinks he's the best. Unfortunately, we see a different side of him at home.

Mitch is diabetic. Sometimes he doesn't take care of himself. When he hasn't slept enough or eaten enough, he behaves like a mean, bratty child. We were recently invited to his parents' home for dinner, and he announced that he wasn't going to eat anything. On the drive home, he took a nap, and when he woke up, he had no memory of the way he had acted.

I've noticed that a lot of his adolescent behavior takes place when we are with his family. He treats them horribly and never apologizes. Mitch even saw a counselor who pointed this out to him, so he quit going. A year ago, Mitch tried another counselor, who told him he was perfectly fine and maybe we should try marriage counseling. We did, but it didn't help.

I feel as if I am married to a preschooler. If Mitch doesn't get his way, there's a fight. He resents my family, so I've stopped spending time with them in order to avoid conflict. I feel trapped. I would leave, but I cannot support my son on my income alone. I no longer enjoy being with Mitch and am thankful when his job takes him out of town for several days. Any advice?— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Some of this is Mitch's refusal to regulate his blood sugar levels. But that is a conscious choice on his part and gives him an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate. Please try counseling again, and ask Mitch to come with you. If he refuses, go without him.

Dear Annie: I am a 57-year-old lady, getting married for the second time.

Is it appropriate for a woman my age to wear an ivory wedding gown as long as it is not too extravagant? No veil or train. It would be a long, suit-type style.

The second question is about wedding gifts.

We have two full households and don't need anything. Can we say "no gifts required" or "gift cards appreciated" so our guests don't waste their money? I wouldn't put it on the invitation, but rather in an attached card.

Third, it's a destination wedding. Should I provide a list of accommodations near the reception?

Finally, do you have a recommended source of wedding etiquette for second marriages?— New Bride

Dear Bride: Yes, to the first question. A long, suit-type, off-white gown without a veil or train would be perfect. No, to the second. It is inappropriate to put anything in the invitation envelope about gifts. Spread the word to a close friend or relative, and let them notify guests who ask. Third, it would be lovely to give your guests a list of available accommodations, and you might also check to see whether you can get a group discount. Finally, libraries, bookstores and websites are filled with etiquette advice.(You can't go wrong with Peggy Post.)

Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Not a Fan," whose husband thinks the big-screen TV is all his and won't let the rest of the family watch it. This man is nuts.

While your reply was a good start, it does not fix the problem. You two recommend counseling for many people with less serious issues. This man has a family and needs to straighten up and act like it. He has some kind of mental problem.— Clinton Township, Mich.

Dear Clinton: The man seems a little obsessed and controlling about the TV. However, counseling is only effective when someone is willing to work on the problem. We doubt Hubby would bother, and without his cooperation, there's little chance she can change his behavior.

[Jess in NJ]

Link to Annie http://www.creators.com/advice/annies-mailbox...

[Angela]

L1: I bet he was this way when you dated him, got engaged, and married him. And you're complaining about his behavior in hopes he'll change? HOw's that working for you?

L2: Wear whatever you want. Do not include any comment about not wanting gifts (tres tacky). Destination wedding for #2 and you're pushing 60? FRICKIN' ELOPE ALREADY. Then send announcments rather than invitations.

L3: The man had two problems: TV, and a wife without a spine.

[Lil Roo]

L1: He'll be dead soon anyway from not controlling his diabetes.

L2: What Angela said. My cousin is getting married in May and with the invite they requested as the gift for people to contribute to their Honeymoon, but the money for that needed to be in by April, before the wedding. That just seemed tacky to me.

L3: Go on The Marriage Ref. Anyone see it yet? So funny!

[angela]

Roo, I haven't seen that show yet. How's it work?

[Lil Roo]

angela wrote:

Roo, I haven't seen that show yet. How's it work?

It's on tonight on NBC. You have the celebrity panel of experts, when I watched it was Tina Fay, Jerry Seinfeld, & Eva Longoria. They show a clip of a real couple arguing about their problem, ex: the dining room table is for Thanksgiving only, that the guy should wear his wedding ring, etc. The panel of experts discuss it and decide who they think is right. Then the ref brings the couple up on live feed from their homes and makes his decision on who is right in the argument. It's so funny, I was laughing my ass off.

[j_m_w]

L1: Rat him out to his doctor.

L2: Good answer from Annie.

L3: The man seemed a little obsessed? If that's "a little obsessed" then I'd hate to see what really obsessed looks like.

[cycle003]

Lil Roo wrote:

L3: Go on The Marriage Ref. Anyone see it yet? So funny!

I watched it once when they had the guy on there that spent all his time getting mani/pedis, tanning, plucking, primping, etc. His wife said he spent so much time doing those things that he neglected his family and wouldn't even attend his children's sporting events, and he didn't even dispute that part. They ruled in favor of this guy. It really pissed me off, and I will probably never watch the show again. In the name of entertainment, this TV show basically validated this guy's actions and told him it was OK to disregard the needs of his family.

[cycle003]

L1: From your letter, it's really hard for me to know whether your husband is a complete jerk or if you just have a distaste for him. If there's something particularly egregious about his behavior, you would think that the LW would clearly describe it. Regardless, you want to leave, so just leave. It really makes you seem like a ho that the only reason you stay is for the money.

[j_m_w]

cycle003 wrote:

<quoted text>
I watched it once when they had the guy on there that spent all his time getting mani/pedis, tanning, plucking, primping, etc. His wife said he spent so much time doing those things that he neglected his family and wouldn't even attend his children's sporting events, and he didn't even dispute that part. They ruled in favor of this guy. It really pissed me off, and I will probably never watch the show again. In the name of entertainment, this TV show basically validated this guy's actions and told him it was OK to disregard the needs of his family.

They should have concluded that he needs to come out of the closet and stop living a lie.

;)

[Lil Roo]

cycle003 wrote:

<quoted text>
I watched it once when they had the guy on there that spent all his time getting mani/pedis, tanning, plucking, primping, etc. His wife said he spent so much time doing those things that he neglected his family and wouldn't even attend his children's sporting events, and he didn't even dispute that part. They ruled in favor of this guy. It really pissed me off, and I will probably never watch the show again. In the name of entertainment, this TV show basically validated this guy's actions and told him it was OK to disregard the needs of his family.

That's the same one I saw. The issue wasn't so much if he was wrong for not going, they just were voting on his pampering. I think he said he just didn't want to go to those events, which is another issue altogether. I have to admit, I would've sided with the wife on that one.

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: If you want to leave, go see a lawyer. He would be better equipped to estimate how you will live after(will you get alimony? How much child support will you get? Etc)

LW2: WHOOOOOOO! WHOO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
THE WEDDING TRAIN IS ROLLING! THE ETIQUETTE TRAIN IS ON THE TRACKS!
WHOOOOOOO! WHOO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WHAT? A "Suit" type gown? Men wear suits. WTF kind of advice is this?

LW3: Bitch better step off homeboy's tv.

[Mister Tonka]

cycle003 wrote:

They ruled in favor of this guy. It really pissed me off

Easy there, chief. Its just tv. No need to get angry.

[cycle003]

Lil Roo wrote:

<quoted text>
That's the same one I saw. The issue wasn't so much if he was wrong for not going, they just were voting on his pampering. I think he said he just didn't want to go to those events, which is another issue altogether. I have to admit, I would've sided with the wife on that one.

See, the thing is, I don't think it was a separate issue. The wife expressed all the reasons that she had a problem with his obsession, and the worst reason was the neglect of his family. I seem to recall that the other big reason was that she preferred a man with hair on his chest (or at least a manly man), and instead he was shaving his chest, arm pits, and who knows what else. His only gripe was that he wanted more sex, so I'm thinking this guy must be getting some on the side, probably from his male lover.

I might watch the show if they were going to actually try to help people, but instead they just want to laugh at them and don't care if they ruin people's lives. I feel sorry for his wife.

[cycle003]

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text> Easy there, chief. Its just tv. No need to get angry.

Yeah, I know. I guess I was expecting advice-column-type wisdom from these people and couldn't even imagine they'd give this guy a pass. Anyway, I was ticked, turned the channel and forgot about it until Roo brought it up again. Still, I will vote with my remote control and choose not to watch it again.

[edogxxx]

LW1: You're making excuses and the real problem is you have no backbone. If you're that unhappy in your marriage, divorce. He will likely have to pay child support and maybe alimony anyway so I don't see the financial issue as a valid concern. Or maybe you should just get a better job and learn how to take care of yourself?

LW2: <sigh> Can't she just get a "marriage book" or something?

LW3: Who bought the TV? There ya go!

[Pixx]

j_m_w wrote:

L1: Rat him out to his doctor.
L2: Good answer from Annie.
L3: The man seemed a little obsessed? If that's "a little obsessed" then I'd hate to see what really obsessed looks like.

Agreed on all three counts, especially the last one!:)

[Mister Tonka]

cycle003 wrote:

I might watch the show if they were going to actually try to help people, but instead they just want to laugh at them

The panel is filled with celebrities. How much help do you really think a 2 comedians and a non-comedian actress couldreally provide? Of course they want people to laugh at. Its not Dr. Phil. Its meant to be funny. Who's on this week? Larry David & Madonna? You can't really expect much more than comedy from these guests.

cycle003 wrote:

and don't care if they ruin people's lives. I feel sorry for his wife.

Do you REALLY think that any of these people are having their lives ruined by being on the show?

I watched it. Got a few chuckles. Nothing more. I say watch it again from the perspective of a comedy show. You might enjoy it more.

[Lil Roo]

cycle003 wrote:

<quoted text>
Yeah, I know. I guess I was expecting advice-column-type wisdom from these people and couldn't even imagine they'd give this guy a pass. Anyway, I was ticked, turned the channel and forgot about it until Roo brought it up again. Still, I will vote with my remote control and choose not to watch it again.

You cannot take this show too seriously. Next week their panel of experts will be Larry David, Rick Gervis, and Madonna. Um... Yeah, Madonna as a marriage expert.

[Pixx]

cycle003 wrote:

<quoted text>
See, the thing is, I don't think it was a separate issue. The wife expressed all the reasons that she had a problem with his obsession, and the worst reason was the neglect of his family. I seem to recall that the other big reason was that she preferred a man with hair on his chest (or at least a manly man), and instead he was shaving his chest, arm pits, and who knows what else. His only gripe was that he wanted more sex, so I'm thinking this guy must be getting some on the side, probably from his male lover.
I might watch the show if they were going to actually try to help people, but instead they just want to laugh at them and don't care if they ruin people's lives. I feel sorry for his wife.

I haven't seen it, but it sounds like you and I would watch something like that the same way. It's tough for me to take things I perceive as serious issues as a joke.:P

Like Jersey Shore. Sure, I could laugh at it, but sometimes I'd get so mad at the stereotypes portrayed I'd just want to march over there and strangle "The Situation."