tell me a good joke
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maestro

East Hampton, CT

#1 Aug 29, 2008
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...A BLOG FOR JUST LAUGHTER!!

PASSING ON THESE CHILDREN COMMENTS THAT GOT FROM ANOTHER BLOGGER..

Here is some childrens humor to start you thread off on the right foot.
__________
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked:'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:'How does it know it's
me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said,'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:'How much do I
cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad:'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:'What
happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked,'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.'Without you, we are
but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice,'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles
Life Coach

AOL

#2 Aug 29, 2008
Q: What is the difference between a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner and a Harley-Davisdon?

A: The position of the dirt bag
wang fu

East Hampton, CT

#3 Aug 30, 2008
An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
Ping Pang

Grand Island, NY

#4 Aug 31, 2008
wang fu wrote:
An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")
The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
LMAO!!! good one Wang!!!
another opinion

Grand Island, NY

#6 Sep 1, 2008
Jim wrote:
The liberals whine about McCain's age and his past cancer.
Yeah, well I heard Obama was allergic to LEAD. lol
What the definition of confusion?
Father's day in Harlem. lol
so so....half a laugh...
king of OP

East Hampton, CT

#7 Sep 11, 2008
Subject: FW:...the Ghetto Spelling Bee

>> > Getto Spellin' Bee Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

>> > 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
>> > 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
>> > 3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
>> > 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>> > 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
>> > 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
>> > 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
>> > 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say,'man, it look fake.' He say,'Bullshit, that watch israel '
>> > 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
> > 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool-hall.
> > 11. Iraq - When we got to the pool-hall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
> > 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her,'Do you plan on stain for dinner?'
> > 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street,'how much?' She say 'fortify.'
> > 14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

> Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
> > Today's word is:'OMELETTE'>> > Let us use it in a sentence.
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
REAL king of Medina

East Hampton, CT

#8 Sep 15, 2008
king of OP wrote:
Subject: FW:...the Ghetto Spelling Bee
>> > Getto Spellin' Bee Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
>> > 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
>> > 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
>> > 3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
>> > 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>> > 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
>> > 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
>> > 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
>> > 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say,'man, it look fake.' He say,'Bullshit, that watch israel '
>> > 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
> > 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool-hall.
> > 11. Iraq - When we got to the pool-hall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
> > 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her,'Do you plan on stain for dinner?'
> > 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street,'how much?' She say 'fortify.'
> > 14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
> Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
> > Today's word is:'OMELETTE'>> > Let us use it in a sentence.
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
Excellent...LMAO!!

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#9 Sep 16, 2008
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy" he asked?'To make myself beautiful' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.'Giving up?'?

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,? Johnny! What are 2, 4, 28 and 44?' Little
Johnny quickly replied,'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'?

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacken to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.'Yes,' said the
policeman.'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked,'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said,'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'?
hillbilly

United States

#10 Sep 16, 2008
What did the tomcat and bobcat say when they met in the woods?? Hello Bob, Hello Tom
Lisa

East Hampton, CT

#11 Sep 16, 2008
Stephanie2 wrote:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy" he asked?'To make myself beautiful' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.'Giving up?'?
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,? Johnny! What are 2, 4, 28 and 44?' Little
Johnny quickly replied,'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'?
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacken to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.'Yes,' said the
policeman.'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked,'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'?
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said,'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'?
THose were great steph!!!! Keep 'em coming...!!
Pint Size Pimp

Buffalo, NY

#12 Sep 16, 2008
two priest go out fishing for the day.
after a couple hours one of the priests has to piss. he stands up pulls out his penis, the other priest notices he has a Nicoderm patch on his penis. the second priest says hey shoudn't that Nicderm patch be somewhere else ? the priest peeing says "no, its helped me get down two 3 butts a day"
Mr Singh

Columbia, SC

#13 Sep 16, 2008
This is my dad's old stand-by:

A little country boy is sent to the general store to get some things for his father. He's excited to go into town by himself and he walks right up to the store owner and says, "I have this list from my Pa. I need a box of nails, a dozen horseshoes, and two quarts of gin."

The store owner sees an opportunity to have some fun so he says to the little boy, "Boy, we have three kinds of gin - oxygen, nitrogen, and hydrogen. Which one do you need?"

The boy knows he's being made fun of and responds, "Mister, where I come from, we have three kinds of turds - mustard, custard, and you, ya big shit!"
Pint Size Pimp

Buffalo, NY

#14 Sep 16, 2008
oriental man is skipping rocks into the lake.
everytime he skips a rock it makes a noise "chig, chang, chong"
a black man is waking bye and hears the sounds of the rock skipping, "cing, chang chong". he approaches the oriental man and asks, how do you do that?
The oriental man says " i concentrate on my ancestors, chig was my great grand father, chnag was my grandfather, chong was my father". the black man askes "can i do that too" the oriental answers "yes but you must concentrate on you ancestors", The black man picks a nice flat rock, winds up and skips it across the water, this is what he heard" chim,pan,zee"
Lisa

East Hampton, CT

#15 Sep 16, 2008
Pint Size Pimp wrote:
two priest go out fishing for the day.
after a couple hours one of the priests has to piss. he stands up pulls out his penis, the other priest notices he has a Nicoderm patch on his penis. the second priest says hey shoudn't that Nicderm patch be somewhere else ? the priest peeing says "no, its helped me get down two 3 butts a day"
shame on you!!! that was great!!

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#16 Sep 16, 2008
Hello! You have reached the automated
answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to
the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent -
Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did
not do his work
-Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to
you -
Press 5

If you want us to raise your child -
Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone
- Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year
- Press 8

To complain about bus transportation
- Press 9

To complain about school lunches
- Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child
must be accountable and responsible for his/her own
behavior, class work,homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:
Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

Yep! That about sums it up!

LMAO

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#17 Sep 16, 2008
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying,'
No thanks, my wife Michelle will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to McCain and said,'How about you?'

McCain replied,'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#18 Sep 16, 2008
AMERICAN JOKE

OH HOW I LOVE THIS COMEBACK.. One of my sons serves in the military.He is
stationed stateside, here in California He called me yesterday to let me know
how warm and welcoming people were to him and his troops everywhere they go.
Telling me how people shake their hands and thankthem for being willing to
serve and fight, not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them
too. Then he told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at
yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that several people were in
the line ahead of him, including a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she
got to the cashier, she made a loud remark about the U.S. Flag, lapel pin, the
cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin and said,
'Yes, I alwa ys wea r it proudly, because I'm an American.' The
woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing
her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. Then, a Gentleman standing
behind my son stepped forward, pu tting his arm around my son's shoulders
and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman:
Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have foughtand
died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier
of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in
YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have
now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a
ticket and pay your way back to Iraq , so you can straighten out the Mess in
YOUR country, that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid.' Everyone
within hearing distance cheered! IF YOU AGREE... Pass this on to all of your
proud American friends. I just did.

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#19 Sep 16, 2008
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:(Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

“Live and let live!”

Since: May 08

Buffalo NY

#20 Sep 16, 2008
May you all not have a jellyfish day!


LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then
sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who
was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office
lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped
to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good
plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back
of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair
on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack
of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and
told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream
put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself,
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Whenever you have a bad day,
ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
leave it to Beaver

United States

#21 Sep 16, 2008
Did you here about Perry Comos son? He's a comosexual...I know its awful!!!!!!!!!!

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