Jokes. Something to lighten the mood....

Jokes. Something to lighten the mood. Keep em clean.

Posted in the Buckhannon Forum

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#1 Jan 2, 2013
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...she jest bought an air conditioner." 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!" 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!" 3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#2 Jan 2, 2013
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#3 Jan 2, 2013
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#4 Jan 2, 2013
Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#5 Jan 2, 2013
I see someone judged me poorly. I guess I offend some hick.
1 post removed

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#7 Jan 2, 2013
bad taste wrote:
A baby seal walks into a club,.........
Hit them just right and they go "splat"

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#8 Jan 2, 2013
BillyRayBillyBob wrote:
I see someone judged me poorly. I guess I offend some hick.
i got judged off topic and clueless...lol, and the thread is about telling a joke, and i told a joke.
I get it all the time, people judging sh!t that makes no sense.
Buttercup

Fairmont, WV

#9 Jan 3, 2013
BillyRayBillyBob wrote:
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...she jest bought an air conditioner." 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!" 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!" 3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."
. Was that the punch line ?

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#10 Jan 3, 2013
Buttercup wrote:
<quoted text>. Was that the punch line ?
Do you want to see snakey, go ahead he won't bite but he might spit at you. Go ahead pet snakey.
By Golly

Fairmont, WV

#11 Jan 3, 2013
BillyRayBillyBob wrote:
<quoted text>
Do you want to see snakey, go ahead he won't bite but he might spit at you. Go ahead pet snakey.
. Hey are you a horses rear or just a red neck ? If you don't know any better jokes then that don't waste your time and mine posting that stupid stuff ! I bet you are a red neck !

“.May the odds be ever with you”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

United States

#12 Jan 3, 2013
Buttercup wrote:
<quoted text>. Was that the punch line ?
I probably should stay out of this but are you really asking if that was the punch line? That joke is as old as me. And yet that would be the punch line.LOL

“.May the odds be ever with you”

Level 7

Since: Jul 12

United States

#13 Jan 3, 2013
Sorry, should have said yes that would be the punch line.

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#14 Jan 3, 2013
By Golly wrote:
<quoted text>. Hey are you a horses rear or just a red neck ? If you don't know any better jokes then that don't waste your time and mine posting that stupid stuff ! I bet you are a red neck !
Wanker

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 3, 2013
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

“Vroom Vroom”

Level 3

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#16 Jan 10, 2013
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Julie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#17 Jan 10, 2013
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#18 Jan 10, 2013
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your titts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Level 5

Since: May 12

Location hidden

#19 Jan 10, 2013
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"NO sh*t", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Funny Stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#20 Jan 31, 2013
Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you."

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