Jokes and a "Quote of the day":

Jokes and a "Quote of the day":

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“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#1 Mar 14, 2013
In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

SEND THIS TO A SMART Republican WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY Democrat WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
__________

Quote of the day:

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian." --- Henry Ford

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#2 Mar 17, 2013
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#3 Mar 17, 2013
Quote:

"The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution." ~

Hannah Arendt (1906 - 1975)

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#4 Mar 17, 2013
A wife asks her husband:

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#5 Mar 17, 2013
Homesick Snowbird

I was in downtown Austin the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#6 Mar 17, 2013
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Batcat! HILARIOUS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BDJ

Rupert, WV

#7 Mar 17, 2013
BatCat wrote:
Homesick Snowbird
I was in downtown Austin the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
Are you really in Austin or is this just part of the joke? I lived there for four years and loved the town and the area. I was stationed at Bergstrom AFB which is closed now.

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#8 Mar 17, 2013
BDJ wrote:
<quoted text>Are you really in Austin or is this just part of the joke? I lived there for four years and loved the town and the area. I was stationed at Bergstrom AFB which is closed now.
Never been to Austin. It was just a joke someone emailed me that I liked.
1 post removed

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#10 Mar 17, 2013
HAHAHAHAHHAHA... Naughty, naughty girl, HAHAHAHAHAH!

But it was funny!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

WHAT!!??!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
1 post removed

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#12 Mar 18, 2013
Good news and bad news...
----------

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

HER: "Well, the air bag works."
1 post removed

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#14 Mar 20, 2013
FOR ALL THE LADIES I KNOW WHO DRIVE ALONE I had a flat tire yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my uncloathed cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...

Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...
They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#15 Mar 20, 2013
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!@ BatCat! HILARIOUS!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Soon as I earn another prop, it's yours, LOL!
1 post removed

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#17 Mar 23, 2013
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks:“What's the problem?”

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick ..."


BDJ

Rupert, WV

#18 Mar 23, 2013
BatCat wrote:
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks:“What's the problem?”
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick ..."
. Good one. How true.

Since: Feb 13

Location hidden

#19 Mar 23, 2013
Most was Cute!

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#20 Mar 23, 2013
LOL! Funny, lol!

Since: Feb 13

Location hidden

#21 Mar 24, 2013
Funny!

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#22 Mar 25, 2013
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said,'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied,'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied.'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man,'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied,'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed,'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago

Since: Dec 12

Location hidden

#23 Mar 25, 2013
Congratulations to WV Mount U Near for achieving the 'king' status.

“Life is like a broken record..”

Since: Sep 12

Except the voices keep changin

#24 Mar 25, 2013
BatCat wrote:
Congratulations to WV Mount U Near for achieving the 'king' status.
Well, thank you, Mam! A man just LOVES being a King, LOL! Up till now my favorite thing was my cell phone: It's female and every time I hit this one certain button? She says, "Please say a command." I just LOVE it, LOL!

I do trust that next week you'll be the Queen yet again! Congrats to you also! There's alot of clicking in all that, isn't it? HAHAHAHA!

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