Posted in the Big Stone Gap Forum
#1 Dec 1, 2012
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied,“I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
#2 Dec 1, 2012
You know you are attending a Redneck Church if:
1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)
#3 Dec 1, 2012
A Christmas Story:
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
#4 Dec 1, 2012
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't fix steps," He says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"I've had enough of you," he said, "I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks a few. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either give him our television or bake a cake."
The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don't think so."
#5 Dec 1, 2012
The Male Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Who is a dancer (-6)
And was Homecoming Queen (-8)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
#6 Dec 1, 2012
Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.
The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.
The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.
#7 Dec 1, 2012
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
#8 Dec 1, 2012
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
#9 Dec 1, 2012
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
#10 Dec 1, 2012
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world.
The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and vuala... that summer he was in Disney Land.
The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.
The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.
Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.
The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you".
#11 Dec 1, 2012
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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