Poor Pillbilly's Almanac

Posted in the Berea Forum

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Poor Pillbilly Pat

Mount Pleasant, SC

#1 May 15, 2011
First a little about ME.

Iím a poor pillbilly and I need help. I used to have it all, job, home, car, wife and children. Now itís all gone. I lost it all to pills, my job at McDonalds, the car my step father in-law bought for me, my wife left me, so did my children. They took my house and left, it was a mobile home.

Now all I have to do all day is wait for dark so I can go to my mothers or my grandmothers and see what might be left out thatís worth selling. If theyíre not home Iíll go in to see whatís left in thatís worth selling too.

Or I just sit up all day and worry about the Rats...You got to watch out for the RatsÖthey will get you quicker than your cousin trying to get his grandmothers rings back.

None of this is my fault, after my daddy was unjustly sent to prison for only a half pound, thatís right, only a half poundÖof meth. Why my mother and my other three uncles she lived with could hardly make it on HUD, WIC, food stamps, and welfare. Selfish government, I remember her having to work extra at the club, just to afford her OCís and Perk 30ís.

So help a pillbilly out, leave something good in the yard, or on the front seat of your car. And remember, itís not my fault, my daddy died in prison, my momma is hooked, my sister dances at Manhattan, and I have PTSD from having to go to that damn elementary school where I was treated so badly.

And read the Poor Pillbilly's Almanac, I'll be providing insight and tons of useful information for the next generation of Pillbillies daily or weekly or whenever I can, right here in the Almanac.
You said it

Lexington, KY

#2 May 16, 2011
WOW! That's the greatest thing I've read on here in a very long time....Awesome, awesome, awesome...Thanks for giving me a smile on a gloomy Monday.
just me

Kansasville, WI

#3 May 16, 2011
if I had pat's knack for writing I wouldn't be stuck in a damn factory!
Tuesday may 17th

Summerville, SC

#4 May 17, 2011
Pillbilly Pat Says:

What a fine day it's turning out to be, found me some lawn mower and weedeater just laying in a yard. Funny what people will throw away.

It's MAY pillbillys, that means a lot of things for us.

1. It's warmer, we can safely sleep where we pass out.

2. People are starting to let kids play outside, look for toys left in the yard. One of your Kids are bound to be having a B-day soon.

3. Just like I did today, look for an increase in yard work around your familys houses. Always a market for lawnmowers, yard rakes and weedeaters.

Quote for the Day: "I didnt do nothing officer"

Lucky number for the day:(perk)30

Next installment: How to get the pain clinic to give our uncle and your grandmother the same OC script, with a 3 month supply.
Funny

Berea, KY

#5 May 17, 2011
love these posts! keep it up.
You said it

Vanceburg, KY

#6 May 17, 2011
I so totally agree..Quite the writer too. Awesome!
Funny wrote:
love these posts! keep it up.
Wednesday May 18th

Summerville, SC

#7 May 18, 2011
Pillbilly Pat says:

Good Morning Pillbillies. I'm really tired this morning, think I'm catching the virus, feel like throwing up and my head is killing me.

Did you get that? Thatís what you say when you are pill sick..use it.

1. People who are not pillbillies will feel sympathy for you and let you alone till you can find your pill. If necessary actually throw up.

2. Sometimes you can use it to get a valium or loritab from your grandmother, just tell her it's for your PTSD.

Quote for the day: I didnít have anything on me, when you searched me officer.

Lucky number for today:(OC)80

Next installment: Xanax or Lortab, useful alternative or just pharmaceutical hype?
Thursday May 19th

Summerville, SC

#8 May 19, 2011
Pillbilly Pat says:

Good Morning Pillbillies. I know itís really late afternoon for non-pillbillys but in our world itís time to go to work.

Todayís work schedule:

1. Walk down to the WALMART and pick up some new clothes, games, perfume, and a coke. Remember to pay for the coke so you will have a receipt for the old person at the door.

2. Walk over to the Van that sits in the corner of the lot and trade your new stuff for as much cash as you can get. Keep the perfume.

3. Walk down to your "friends" house, I know its hard work but look in every car and yard you pass. Remember a good pillbilly will always be looking for opportunity to earn some extra cash.

4. Give your "friend" all of your money. Your friend will then "take care of you".

5. Give your friendís girlfriend the perfume; she will then "take care" of you too.

Quote for the day: "Sorry Bro, we didnt expect you back so soon!"

Lucky number for today:(vike)357

Next installment: Using Topix for pillbilly intel. Who is selling, who is caught and who is Rattin. Things you need to know.
Charlie Sheen

Nicholasville, KY

#9 May 19, 2011
Awesome tip about the perfume...winning!
StormLover

Berea, KY

#10 May 19, 2011
LMAO...Too bad you can't write for the Citizen...

“Sic friatur crustum dulce ”

Since: Apr 09

the real world.....

#11 May 19, 2011
Well, all I have to say about this is

:-D
Friday May 20th

Summerville, SC

#12 May 20, 2011
Pillbilly Pat says:

Well, itís finally here, Friday. Iím on my way to my Uncleís house; he has rheumatoid arthritis and canít do a lot of work and Iím sure he needs someone to clean up for him a bit.

Here are some things for the pillbilly to remember when helping the old and infirm people in our families.

1. Always schedule your visit the same week as your relativeís visit to the Dr. or the pain clinic. You want to make sure there is an adequate supply on hand to make the visit worthwhile.

2. GO EARLY, if you wait too long other pillbilly cousins may get there ahead of you.

3. Spend time with the relative, talk with them, ask them how they feel, tell them how sorry you are that they are sick. When the time is right, ask when they last took their medís. If itís close to dose time, offer to get it for them. This is an excellent opportunity to scarf off a pill or two.

4. If like in my case your relative has arthritis, offer to open the bottles for them, a good pillbilly will ďaccidentally ď pop the cap, pills will fly out and you can always scream ďDAMN GRAVITYĒ!!

5. Offer to vacuum the floor, look VERY closely around your relativeís chair before you start. Old people sometimes drop pills and donít even know it. Donít waste a good pill in a vacuum.

Quote for the day: "Who are you going to believe, me or an 85 year old on OXYís for arthritis?"

Lucky number for today :(OC) 20

Next installment: How to disassemble a ďRainbowĒ Vacuum cleaner to recover unseen pills.
loving this

Lexington, KY

#13 May 20, 2011
this is awesome. enjoy reading it daily.. always gives me a smile.. keep it up
Monday May 23rd

Summerville, SC

#14 May 23, 2011
Pillbilly Pat says:

Hello again Pillbillies. Did I mention that my weekends are somewhat occupied for the next several months? Must have forgotten to bring it up, I got out this morning. I was doing some early Christmas shopping and found out you can be arrested for doing that, if youíre so early the store isnít open yet.

Here is some advice for the incarcerated Pillbilly, when checking in for weekend ďgetawaysĒ remember:

1. Check-in EARLY, if you wait too long your pillbilly cousins will get there ahead of you and take the best cells.

2. In jail you get time off for good behavior, at work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. So be good, in jail.

3. Stop by and see your mother. If you didnít make it for motherís day at lest bring her a carton of Pall Mallís.

4. In Jail you can watch TV and play video games. By getting really good at this it will look like you have always had the game system the cops find in your apartment.

5. Never allow the jailhouse tattoo artist free reign with your back. This is a BAD thing with serious repercussions depending on yourĒorientationĒ.

Quote for the day: "Yea, itís all fun and games till the cops show up!!"

Lucky number for today:(Watson) 387

Next installment: How to have tattoos of a womanís breast removed from your back.
yeah

Berea, KY

#15 May 24, 2011
this is great you rock, pillbilly!
loving this

Abbeville, GA

#16 May 24, 2011
check topix daily for you words.. still loving it..

“let it be”

Since: May 11

berea

#17 May 24, 2011
love it :)
Tuesday May 24th

Summerville, SC

#18 May 24, 2011
Pillbilly Pat says:

Afternoon Hillbilliesí! I just left a ďfriendsĒ house and Iím trying to get back to my trailer quick as I can. Iím not really sure what a Nintendo DS, a cell phone and a set of fuzzy dice I got out of a 68 Chevy just got for me, but it seems to be coming on fast. Iím a little worried, Iím not sure I know why, no I donít.

When walking home after ingesting an unknown substance just because your friendís girlfriend said it was good stuff you should try to follow these Pillbilly safety tips:

1. Walk on the left side of the road facing traffic, this way you can see the Po Po coming at you. You have to watch for the Po Po, they are everywhere.

2. Walk fast, but not too fast, be alert, but donít look nervous, keep your eyes looking front, use your other eyes to look behind you.

3. Make sure you look both ways when crossing the street, sometimes when the water is moving up the street instead of down, you can get caught in it.

4. If you see someone who knows you, act like nothing is going on and what was that, I think it was a Rat, not just a squirrel maybe it was. Dang that was lucky you have to watch out for Rats.

5. Where? Where is the Rat! Dang that was lucky you have to watch for Rats. I remember seeing some Rats once, but I donna knar ware If yon crarv caddie bensvasrt.

Quote for the day: "Moonie Mumu dogface through the banana patch.Ē

Lucky number for today: Katie Couric

Next installment: The clinical effects and hazards of miracle grow tablets as an intoxicant, a case study.
loving this

Lexington, KY

#19 May 29, 2011
Where is the next installment? nothing interesting to read now.
quizno

United States

#20 May 29, 2011
This is fantastic!

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