Amy 7-26-13

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Since: Jan 10

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#1
Jul 26, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I’m married, with a 9-year-old son. My sweet boy is very affectionate, but really only with me. He climbs on me, hangs on me, etc. He is not emotionally disturbed or shy; he just does this to annoy me. I’m not very touchy-feely. I get hot when people are too close. My husband knew this about me before we married and was fine with it.

I have tried to explain this to my son, but he doesn’t care. I have had this problem my whole life. The only exercise I can do is swimming because I loathe sweating and being too hot. I have had my thyroid checked, and everything is normal. How do I make my son understand that it’s not him and that I love him, but his crawling on me makes me cringe. I dread menopause!-- Too Hot

DEAR TOO HOT: Your son knows you love him. He also knows that what he’s doing is annoying. His behavior is typical for a 9-year-old. Some kids this age will actually place their hands on either side of their mom’s face and pull it toward them if she is trying to have a conversation with someone else. Others will grab attention by clowning around and/or treating their mother like a jungle gym.

All of this is a way to command and keep mom’s attention. It’s also a child’s way to resist the transition into being a “big kid,” with all of its confusing uncertainty. You should react calmly, consistently and with a minimum of fuss.

In a quiet moment, explain to your son that he is getting physically bigger and that he can hurt you by climbing on you. Tell him that from now on you’re going to expect him not to do this. Tell him that if he forgets his good manners and starts climbing on you, you’re going to remind him one time, and then you’re going to ask him to leave the room if he does it again. It’s time for your husband to step up. He should assume a bigger role in your son’s life, providing a positive presence and gently leading him into the mysterious world of male adolescence.

DEAR AMY: A family member offered to do something “special” for my birthday earlier this year. It took several weeks to find dates that worked for her, which she canceled twice. She continued to mention the idea but didn’t propose any new dates.

The situation was becoming awkward, so I thanked her for the thought and proposed we try again next year. Now, five months later, she has brought up her intention of doing something “special” for my birthday now that things have quieted down for her. While I understood her being unavailable at the time, it seems a bit narcissistic of her to want to celebrate my birthday now that it’s convenient for her. Do you find this idea as unappealing as I do, or am I being overly sensitive?-- No Longer the Birthday Girl

DEAR NO LONGER: I’m not sure that I would call this behavior “narcissistic,” but I agree that this is self-centered and silly. It is also embarrassing to you, although you could assume your family member doesn’t see it that way. When this comes up again, you can say,“You’re sweet to be so persistent, but let’s not do the whole birthday thing. But it would be great to see you, and if you want to get together, I’ll check my schedule.” Fulfilling this social commitment will at the very least clear it from the calendar. If this comes up again in a few months when your birthday rolls around, politely decline.

DEAR AMY: You recently quoted Maya Angelou in a response by saying,“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

This is truly profound. I’m grateful to Ms. Angelou for saying it and to you for sharing it.-- See the Light

DEAR LIGHT: The most profound statements are often simple directives. This one is particularly wise, fairly hard to follow and most often recognized in retrospect.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Jul 26, 2013
 
L1: SO PUNISH HIM. My god, if you have told him to NOT do it and he continues to do it, he is *disobeying* you. Do you even know how to be a firm parent? I doubt it. NO, you don't "ask him to leave the room" (really, amy?). You tell him.

L2: Your relative is lame. She also is the kind of idiot who will call you and want you to guess who is calling. Don't play her reindeer games. Tell her you want nothing to do with a birthday celebration five months later. Stop letting her call the shots. Personally, I don't think she really has anything special planned, but wanted to.

L3: Congrats to you for hearing this for the first time, since she said it 30+ years ago, is my guess.

I am not a fan of poetry, but I admit that Ms. Angelou is an exception. I really enjoy her writing.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Jul 26, 2013
 
1 No, 5yr olds climb on their mother, not 9yr olds. You are coddling this kid. Bet he still carries his binky and blankie too! Where is his father to smack him on the ass? My god I see the end of civilization in these kids.

2 Dear Amy, somebody wants to do something nice for me as a belated birthday present. How do I tell them to go F* themselves?

3 Whatever.

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Jul 26, 2013
 
THere were good posts in the WaPo re: LW1, like how to reinforce that you love your son and give him a big hug, THEN you can pull the "No hanging on mommy" bit.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#5
Jul 26, 2013
 
L1: Reminds me of my relative that keeps complaining on Facebook that her daughter won't let her use the bathroom alone. The kid is EIGHT.

What Ang said. Reign that crap in.

L2: Um, what?

L3: Um, what?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
Jul 26, 2013
 
L1: The kid is probably lacking affection from both parents and is also immature on top of that so he's seekign it inappropriately? Maybe? Ya, but this mom has to set the boundaries for her kid not let the kid set the boundaries.

L2: I dunno. Say fine, give the date YOU can make and is convenient and see if it happens. If not, you won't be surprised so have a back-up plan and a personal spa day. You might hope the relative cancels.
Mimi

United States

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#7
Jul 26, 2013
 
Sounded to me like maybe he is so freaking clingy because she is cold and distant and he is trying to reassure himself that she loves him. However, full disclosure, my immediate reaction was along the lines of fuckyouiwishihadmysonheretocli ngtome, so I may be a little biased right now. On the upside the radio played 3 songs on my way here that made me think about Chris and cry. Yay. So again, might not be the most un-biased person right now.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Jul 26, 2013
 
LW1: What is so hard about telling him not to climb on you?

LW2: I would just take an “oh, that’s nice, sure, whatever” approach while realizing nothing is going to happen and wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

Since: Jan 10

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#9
Jul 26, 2013
 

Judged:

1

Nick likes snuggling with his 6yo (since the 11yo won't do it of course), but he hates when the kid just climbs onto his dad's lap with no warning, he gets yelled at because he invariably steps on or otherwise slams into dad's balls.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Jul 26, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Nick likes snuggling with his 6yo (since the 11yo won't do it of course), but he hates when the kid just climbs onto his dad's lap with no warning, he gets yelled at because he invariably steps on or otherwise slams into dad's balls.
I don't mind snuggling, but mine will sometimes just jump on me when I am walking and they are getting kind of big. My two oldest are over 100 pounds.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
Jul 26, 2013
 
Its like the girl yesterday who didn't like hugs instead of handshakes. Set boundaries, state them to the kid like Am says, give him cuddles on your terms and tell him Off, enough.

Sub's description of a guy just walking around when some 00+lb kid/person flies in from out of frame and tackles him unexpectedly sounds like a SNL sketch.

What Sub said for Ltr 2.

Since: Jan 10

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#12
Jul 26, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't mind snuggling, but mine will sometimes just jump on me when I am walking and they are getting kind of big. My two oldest are over 100 pounds.
NIck's oldest, 11, is 57 pounds. The charts START at 60 for his age group. So we're working on adding some weight to him. He gets extra snacks, extra fat, and things like Muscle Milk as post-meal treats. His ADHD meds have killed his appetite his whole life, which has stunted his growth. One Saturday when he didn't have to be around nonfamily, his mom didn't give him his ADHD meds in the morning and said he ate like a horse all day long, so Nick is going to try that now that baseball is over.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#13
Jul 26, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Its like the girl yesterday who didn't like hugs instead of handshakes. Set boundaries, state them to the kid like Am says, give him cuddles on your terms and tell him Off, enough.
Sub's description of a guy just walking around when some 00+lb kid/person flies in from out of frame and tackles him unexpectedly sounds like a SNL sketch.
What Sub said for Ltr 2.
No, they will just try to climb me. Not tackle me.

It's mostly my oldest and he is autistic. He remembers when I used to carry him on my shoulders (MY god the one year I walked all over disney land with him mostly on my shoulders and my youngest in the babybjorn carrier (that thing is one step up from a fanny pack in terms of the most unmasculine thing you could ever wear)). He misses those days. I just had to tell him a few days ago he is too big for that.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#14
Jul 26, 2013
 
1- How'd you even conceive this kid if you don't like hot and sweaty activities?

2- YOU are the narcissist! People can only do nice things for you at YOUR best convenience. Get over yourself and go have fun with your sister!

3- Maya Angelou can suck it, whoever the hell she is.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#15
Jul 26, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
NIck's oldest, 11, is 57 pounds. The charts START at 60 for his age group. So we're working on adding some weight to him. He gets extra snacks, extra fat, and things like Muscle Milk as post-meal treats. His ADHD meds have killed his appetite his whole life, which has stunted his growth. One Saturday when he didn't have to be around nonfamily, his mom didn't give him his ADHD meds in the morning and said he ate like a horse all day long, so Nick is going to try that now that baseball is over.
Yes, the medicine these kids take can really mess with their diets. We had the same problem with oldest for awhile, but no longer do.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#16
Jul 26, 2013
 
Grrrr, my rant over undisciplined kids and enabling parents:
At Disney last week, I witnessed this and the teacher in me could stay silent no longer.
Watched a big black dude ask his 2 boys (aged about 10-12) to get out of the pool....for 30 minutes! They'd get out, walk over, and jump back in right when he'd reach for them. They'd laugh and he'd calmly repeat this. I was really disappointed in this man. One kid got out and he grabbed him to put a shirt on and was crying because his brother was still in the pool. Kid swam in front of me and I said in my [calm before the storm] teacher voice, "Get.out." Three seconds later, he's out of the pool and running to dad!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#17
Jul 26, 2013
 
Cue later that afternoon:
Mom with triplets doing the same thing, although she seemed to be in love with her cell phone more than her kids who kept begging for her attention.
She asked them over and over (gah!) then looked at me and said, "They are embarrassing me." I told her I was about to use my teacher voice--she laughed.

Her daughter was right in front of me and started screaming at the top of he rlungs-literally. Held the scream and looked at me (mom on phone whole time). So, I said, "Stop.screaming."
Amazingly, they all 3 got out just then and went to mom.

LOL!

Since: Jan 10

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#18
Jul 26, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
Cue later that afternoon:
Mom with triplets doing the same thing, although she seemed to be in love with her cell phone more than her kids who kept begging for her attention.
She asked them over and over (gah!) then looked at me and said, "They are embarrassing me." I told her I was about to use my teacher voice--she laughed.
Her daughter was right in front of me and started screaming at the top of he rlungs-literally. Held the scream and looked at me (mom on phone whole time). So, I said, "Stop.screaming."
Amazingly, they all 3 got out just then and went to mom.
LOL!
THEY are embarassing her? She's embarrassing HERSELF.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
Jul 26, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
Cue later that afternoon:
Mom with triplets doing the same thing, although she seemed to be in love with her cell phone more than her kids who kept begging for her attention.
She asked them over and over (gah!) then looked at me and said, "They are embarrassing me." I told her I was about to use my teacher voice--she laughed.
Her daughter was right in front of me and started screaming at the top of he rlungs-literally. Held the scream and looked at me (mom on phone whole time). So, I said, "Stop.screaming."
Amazingly, they all 3 got out just then and went to mom.
LOL!
Kids fear someone they don't know and have no idea what a stranger will do so.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#20
Jul 26, 2013
 
1: it's called 'parenting'. A 9er is far too big to pull that childish crap. Give him a good ok' whack upside his butt if he doesn't obey.

2 and 3: whatever....

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