How can I deal with my negative views on my wife's history?

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confused man

London, KY

#1 Jul 5, 2013
We have been married 11 years since 3 months. Before marriage my wife told me that she loved two people. I had no problem with that. On the first night we were talking and I asked her about past lovers, and when I questioned too much she said she had sex with one of them. and asked me to forgive her. she didn't tell me before cos she was ashamed.

I forgave her. But now I am very disturbed. I cant control my thoughts. I keep on questioning her, my mind is full of doubt. Now I just cant forgive her. She has no contact with past lovers and loves me and cares for me, but my mind is fully disturbed. I want happy family life.

My issue comes in that I am not comfortable with my wife's past sexual history. This is a topic that we've learned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... And sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets

Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.

My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it never seems to phase her, I have difficulty putting it aside... And I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... Which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.

Please tell me please what to do?

So, my questions are as follows:

A) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
B) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
C) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
D) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
E) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?

Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
k44dd

London, KY

#2 Jul 5, 2013
The thing you need to know most is that your the one she married and loves, the past is just that it's in the past. we can't change the past but we can make the future a happier one. Put the past behind so it wont destroy your future with your wife.
Mind of a woman

Manchester, KY

#3 Jul 5, 2013
Stop being an idiot. If you loved her you wouldn't punish her for her PAST. Just because she hasn't said she regretted it doesn't mean she doesn't.
Dyslexic Luthor

Somerset, KY

#4 Jul 5, 2013
So she had sex with someone before you, nothing is 'wrong' with that like you seem to think. Having sex in a past relationship isn't a 'mistake' so she has nothing to feel bad over.
me too

Barbourville, KY

#5 Jul 5, 2013
confused man wrote:
We have been married 11 years since 3 months. Before marriage my wife told me that she loved two people. I had no problem with that. On the first night we were talking and I asked her about past lovers, and when I questioned too much she said she had sex with one of them. and asked me to forgive her. she didn't tell me before cos she was ashamed.

I forgave her. But now I am very disturbed. I cant control my thoughts. I keep on questioning her, my mind is full of doubt. Now I just cant forgive her. She has no contact with past lovers and loves me and cares for me, but my mind is fully disturbed. I want happy family life.

My issue comes in that I am not comfortable with my wife's past sexual history. This is a topic that we've learned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... And sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets

Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.

My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it never seems to phase her, I have difficulty putting it aside... And I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... Which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.

Please tell me please what to do?

So, my questions are as follows:

A) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
B) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
C) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
D) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
E) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?

Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
As a woman who's husband was a man whore I completely understand how you feel completely! He is reformed now and I know deep down he's faithful. I have sat and searched my thoughts and feelings on this many times and it angers me. However at the same time I understand those ppl were the wrong ones for him and he didn't love them cause if he did, well, we wouldn't be together today. This is a very sore subject for me and I avoid it all together cause its the past. I am the present and future. Ppl change its a fact. Just let it go. Drop it! It will drive you insane if you don't. She chose YOU she's with YOU and you said she's faithful so drop the insecure thoughts. I hope that helped.
Wow

Barbourville, KY

#6 Jul 5, 2013
If they made tires out of pu**y they would last forever. Ya can't wear them out completely.
someone

London, KY

#7 Jul 5, 2013
I can relate to your wife as I had other men in the past before I married my husband. My husband used to put me thru mental torture with his 100 question routine. It almost done us in after 14 yrs of marriage. Please if u care anything about her and your relationship do not put her through this. All that matters is how she is now. She did not have a clue that she would one day marry u when she was doing other men or I bet she wouldn't have done it. If she is anything like me the regret and shame I feel is worse than anything u could say to her. Please be thankful for the good wife u have and love her as much as she deserves to be loved.
confused man

London, KY

#9 Jul 5, 2013
Thank you for all your comments ,
the problem is when i talk to my wife its like she is not telling me the full truth abouth her past and thats whats bothering me i dont have problem with her
having bf in the past i understan we all have bf and gf before merriage but i dont get after 11y of merriage she still did not tell me whole truth about how many bf she hade caz when we meet her old frends
i fell stupid and are pleace when they talk abouth past and memmories i dont want to make her fell bad
but i just like to know i been honest to her abouth me and exsplain in deatels every question she got.
but she did not do the same for me.
thanks again..
A Woman

Knoxville, TN

#10 Jul 5, 2013
First off everything happens for a reason and maybe if one thing had changed from her past her future would not have turned out the same which happens to be with you. However how can you ecxpect for her to tell you the truth about everything some people forget things even happened not from drugs or alcohol just because its easier to forget when you have great things in Life .
Also you have been married for 11yrs stop and ask yourself why would she tell you things if the only way of pleasing you after is feeling shame or you wanting her to say what a whore she was so does she question herself as to does he really feel this way about me and not know how to say it ?
We can tell someone every second how much we Love them and it be good enough but then question them about 11yrs ago could make us wonder what one really thinks . She is probably trying to figure out how to keep you Happy and afraid to tell you anything afraid of what she may lose . We as individuals only know what someone says not what they think and could she tell you something that could split yous up you have to see it from her side as well I am sure there are things you have not told her not because your ashamed or regret them maybe you just don't remember . Long story short Love her and she shall Love you back she is the woman you need her to be and apparently you are the man she needs you to be . When you think of her past remember thats what brung yous together. Had she not found that Penny on heads one day and not picked it up her life and yours could have been totally different I wish Yous both the Best Goodluck.
tellingu

Somerset, KY

#11 Jul 5, 2013
you sound just like my EX-HUSBAND. I put that in all caps to make a point. after years of constant grilling and questioning I finally had to leave for my own peace of mind. I loved him and never cheated, but he just couldn't keep from questioning everything every bit of my past that eventually turned to questioning everything i did or said. this sort of mental abuse, and that is what you are doing, forcing her to give you details of her past, then waiting for her to "repent"? then thinking she hasn't told you everything? This sort of behavior is mental abuse and will destroy your relationship, take it from someone who knows. I think this is some sort of mental problem you have and the situation will be the same no matter who you end up with, you need professional help to try to figure out why you are putting these feelings on your wife when they are clearly about yourself. what is it that you need to "repent"?
Paul Blart

Graham, WA

#12 Jul 6, 2013
confused man wrote:
We have been married 11 years since 3 months. Before marriage my wife told me that she loved two people. I had no problem with that. On the first night we were talking and I asked her about past lovers, and when I questioned too much she said she had sex with one of them. and asked me to forgive her. she didn't tell me before cos she was ashamed.
I forgave her. But now I am very disturbed. I cant control my thoughts. I keep on questioning her, my mind is full of doubt. Now I just cant forgive her. She has no contact with past lovers and loves me and cares for me, but my mind is fully disturbed. I want happy family life.
My issue comes in that I am not comfortable with my wife's past sexual history. This is a topic that we've learned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... And sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets
Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.
My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it never seems to phase her, I have difficulty putting it aside... And I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... Which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.
Please tell me please what to do?
So, my questions are as follows:
A) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
B) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
C) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
D) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
E) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
You're doing nothin short of mental abuse to your wife. She's married to you and in your own words, you know she has been faithful to you. She might not know how to put into words what might relieve "you" of "your" problem. You surely have have a problem if it bothers you after all this time. Stop being stupid and quit screwing around on her. Stop abusing her because you have the problem. Hardly anyone gets a 100% virgin in a marriage these days. Hell. maybe she liked getting laid and you feel inferior because you can't bring her to a screaming orgasm.
JustMe

Somerset, KY

#13 Jul 6, 2013
confused man wrote:
We have been married 11 years since 3 months. ned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... And sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets
Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.
My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it
Please tell me please what to do?
So, my questions are as follows:
A) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
B) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
C) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
D) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
E) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
Your wife has a past and so do you. Don't forget that you yourself have done wrong and you have not lived a perfect life no one has. If you love her and she loves you than that is all that matters. I know it hurts and I know it sucks but if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to come to terms with it. Maybe she is not remorseful because she put it in the past and accepts that that is were it is supposed to be and you should do the same. The past is in the past and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Worry about now and if she is faithful be grateful and love her. You can't take back your past anymore than she can hers. Maybe your past bothers her just as much as her bothers you. Make today a better day and forget about the things you have no control over.
just curious

Richmond, KY

#14 Jul 6, 2013
How many Girl Friends have you had in the past and have you slept with any?
knowher

London, KY

#15 Jul 7, 2013
Yeah, how many times have you looked at another woman, how many times did you lust? You are like most men, always questioning your wife, I think you are just miserable and looking for a way out, quit making her hate life and enjoy the time you have with her, there is nothing no more miserable in life then spending it with someone who has mental problems and low self-esteem. Why is she staying with you? Quit questioning your wife and take her places and have fun. YOU ARE the one with issues, see a therapist. AND GET your sorry but up and do some work around the house, sitting on the computer feeling sorry for YOU, he-- I feel sorry for her. Good by
theirallthatway

Barbourville, KY

#16 Jul 7, 2013
The easiest way to explain this is she started out a tramp and as she got older she became a wh@re and now that she's older she has now become a prostitute because u basically pay her to stay with you,,,(you give her ur pay check each week),,make her wash that thing with bleach everytime you want some of it,,and be a man and put her in her place
80s kid

Glenpool, OK

#17 Jul 7, 2013
What did she do make a porn like Debbie does Dallas or something lol what are you wanting her to tell you, how many times she spit or swallowed, or how many guys was bigger then you, suck it up grow a pair and go in the bed room and remind her why she married you......
hey

Georgetown, KY

#18 Jul 7, 2013
I think the problem really is on your part. I think you have done something and you are putting the blame on her. Do you have a guilty conscience about something? You need to figure out your own problems and leave her alone or she will walk out.
dummy

Georgetown, KY

#19 Jul 7, 2013
theirallthatway wrote:
The easiest way to explain this is she started out a tramp and as she got older she became a wh@re and now that she's older she has now become a prostitute because u basically pay her to stay with you,,,(you give her ur pay check each week),,make her wash that thing with bleach everytime you want some of it,,and be a man and put her in her place
Why does everything nowadays have to do with being a prostitute? It doesn't say anything about that you dumb idiot all it says it she slept with someone in the past and the he can't get over it.
knowher

London, KY

#20 Jul 7, 2013
She will leave you, she cant be happy with all the questions and jealousy, you are making her miserable. AGAIN get up and do your part, you sorry computer gossiper. You need to get a job, whether it be working to make your wife happy or a REAL job-you know the kind that you actually have to get up and go out the door. CLOCK IN CLOCK OUT type of job that you earn pay for. So big'en get up off of that fat butt of yours. See ya in the divorce column.
gator

London, KY

#21 Jul 7, 2013
Do what I do, make a truck payment

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