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dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#1
Feb 1, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am a 16-year-old with a great and supportive family. My twin brother and I are home-schooled by our mother. Recently one of my good friends and her mother came over to visit.

My friend and I were looking at some Web sites for a game we enjoy playing. She began to show me some of the music she listens to and some of the videos that go with the music. I did not like the music or the videos.

For one, they scared me. I found them dark. The songs included cussing, which I feel ruins a song.

I could not figure out how to say that I would really rather not listen to (or watch) those things. She’s the type of person who gets angry and upset if you disagree with her. She said her mother had no idea she was listening to this stuff. I began to feel literally sick to my stomach.

How can I tell her I don’t want her going on these Web sites on my computer? I really want to tell her mom what she is up to, but I don’t want this to end our friendship.

I am very worried and don’t want my friend going down the wrong path. I told my mom and dad about what happened, and my mom thinks that maybe I should tell my friend’s mom, but I’m not sure.-- Worried About Web Sites

DEAR WORRIED: If your own values don’t give you the strength to speak your own truth — or if you’re simply too dominated or shy — then your parents can help give you “cover” to work around peer pressure.

In the moment you could have said,“My parents will go ballistic if they find these sites on my computer, so you need to stop.”

I suspect that your friend finds this material appealing because it is a way for her to rebel against her folks, your folks and people who share your specific values. If you or your parents feel that this material is dangerous for her, then your parents should speak with her parents.

DEAR AMY: Our daughter’s fiance is charming, intelligent, thoughtful and has dreadful table manners.

He’s Asian, so we think it’s a cultural thing. He spends the meal slurping, with his face and body almost in the plate, in the “trough” position with open-mouth chewing and lots of noise. We wonder if this is considered appropriate or appreciative in his home culture.

He’s lived in the United States for quite a few years, but I don’t think he recognizes what’s going on.

My husband wants to talk to him about this, but I don’t want to offend him. I don’t think we can ask our daughter to talk to him, either. I keep hoping he’ll notice how we eat, as we share meals together often, but it’s been months now. Any thoughts?-- Future Mother-in-Law

DEAR FUTURE: There’s nothing “cultural” about your future son-in-law’s dreadful table manners that I’m aware of. He simply has dreadful table manners.

This is an issue best broached by your daughter. What’s needed is merely a gentle correction. It should be expressed to him that better table manners will likely benefit his other personal and professional encounters, which is a good thing. If he changes, mealtime should become more palatable for you ... and for everyone else.

DEAR AMY:“Querying Mom” was very upset because her children were excluded from a family wedding and when she and her husband attended the wedding they saw other children there.

These other families may have completely disregarded the “no kids” admonition on the wedding invitation. I was shocked at our wedding to see how many families completely ignored our suggestion that they get sitters for their children for that day.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: You are correct; some parents seem to believe that the “no kids” rule applies to everybody else. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Feb 1, 2013
 

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1 Wait till she shows you some porn sites.

2 Kid is a pig, tell him if he cant learn how to eat properly, he is next on the menu

3 No, they were allowed. The other persons kids are a total pain.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

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#3
Feb 1, 2013
 

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Home schooling is all well and fine, but LW sounds like a mouse who is afraid to come out of her hole into the real world. The parents are doing her a serious disservice by not allowing her to learn life skills such as how to respond in an assertive( not aggressive) manner when she encounters offensive material.

I assume most people with atrocious table manners are not aware of it, biut I don't recall ever seeing a letter or feedback from someone who had bad manners , was corrected and came to tell the tale

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Feb 1, 2013
 

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LW1: Hah! Cursing ruins a song. No more Pearl Jam or Guns and Roses for me.

LW2: Would it be nice to get him to keep his mouth closed? Sure. But I just don't think its your place. That's for your daughter to discuss, if it bothers her.

LW3: My mom had a 60th birthday party. The invitation said no kids. I was like WTF? I live 4 hours away. She must be shittin me. So I called her. She said that was for everyone else. Of course she wants her grandkids there!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Feb 1, 2013
 
probably because they never knew that amby was written to about them.

I will say from experience, I was (at one time) a complete social idiot. Chewed with my mouth open, ate like the food was gonna run away etc. The parents of a friend of mine nagged him to teach me the basics, and he did. Also my girlfriends mother did her part to make me bearable to eat with.

So yes, us trough eaters are grateful for the nudging's.
PEllen wrote:
I assume most people with atrocious table manners are not aware of it, biut I don't recall ever seeing a letter or feedback from someone who had bad manners , was corrected and came to tell the tale

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#6
Feb 1, 2013
 

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I agree with Tonka. Cursing ruins music.
There is no doubt about it, I would have pulled the plug on the computer right then and there.

Since: Jan 10

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#7
Feb 1, 2013
 

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L1: Wow, you are SHELTERED. But that's okay. You don't have to listen to music you don't like. I feel that way about polka music. Don't worry about your friend's "path." She's FINE listening to this. I was 10 and listening to Queen's "Get Down Make Love" (very loudly to annoy my mother)(and I didn't understand what they were talking about anyway). Judas Priest hasn't led me to any satan worshipping. The Clash haven't made me start planning a coup. I'm more concerned that your friend can't handle disagreement.

L2: Amy again weighs in when she has no knowledge. Based on my time in Asia, I'd say this IS a cultural/regional thing. I've seen an entire restaurant of Taiwanese people who hold their plates up to their mouths and push the food in with their chopsticks. Meanwhile, I was raised not being allowed to swirl spaghetti onto a fork or to slurp it. I would have gotten hit. Spaghetti must be cut up so much that it doesn't hang off the fork.

***

Over at the Washington Post, tons of people are weighing in that this slurping is *encouraged*, especially in Japan. IT's part of their culture. It's a way to signify that you're pleased with your meal.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#8
Feb 1, 2013
 
LOL

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#9
Feb 1, 2013
 

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Tonka,
I never listened to Pearl Jam or Guns and Roses.
I know who they are but I think they suck anyway.
lc
PEllen

Chicago, IL

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#10
Feb 1, 2013
 

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loose cannon wrote:
I agree with Tonka. Cursing ruins music.
There is no doubt about it, I would have pulled the plug on the computer right then and there.
(Loose'- he was being sarcastic)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Feb 1, 2013
 

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loose cannon wrote:
I agree with Tonka. Cursing ruins music.
I was being facetious

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#12
Feb 1, 2013
 

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So, you can know a band sucks, just by never listening to their music?

Please elaborate on how this is accomplished.
loose cannon wrote:
Tonka,
I never listened to Pearl Jam or Guns and Roses.
I know who they are but I think they suck anyway.
lc

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

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#13
Feb 1, 2013
 
loose cannon wrote:
I agree with Tonka. Cursing ruins music.
There is no doubt about it, I would have pulled the plug on the computer right then and there.
You do realize that Tonka was being sarcastic, right?

Since: Jan 10

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#14
Feb 1, 2013
 

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You think they suck but you don't even know their music.

That's just STUPID.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Feb 1, 2013
 

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loose cannon wrote:
Tonka,
I never listened to Pearl Jam or Guns and Roses.
I know who they are but I think they suck anyway.
lc
You're entitled to you opinion, and I think its fantastic that you were able to form an uninformed opinion without listening to them.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#17
Feb 1, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
I will say from experience, I was (at one time) a complete social idiot. Chewed with my mouth open, ate like the food was gonna run away etc. The parents of a friend of mine nagged him to teach me the basics, and he did. Also my girlfriends mother did her part to make me bearable to eat with.
So yes, us trough eaters are grateful for the nudging's.
<quoted text>
Every man I've ever met was at one time a trough eater. The key is that 99% of us finally had someone get offended enough to finally point it out to us.
My 12 year old is going through it now. He needs a welding helmet to protect him from the sparks off his fork...

Since: Aug 08

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#18
Feb 1, 2013
 
LW1: You need to quit being such a pu$say or you are doomed to a life of living with your momma and the potential at best to lose your virginity when you are 45 with a hooker.

LW2: Have your daughter talk to him about it.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

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#19
Feb 1, 2013
 
L2: I've never had a boyfriend or a male friend (or a female friend, for that matter) who ate the way the LW and you guys are describing. For me, it would be a deal-breaker early on. I can't stand watching someone eat sloppily. I'm sure I've been acquainted with people who have disgusting, non-existent table manners, but I've never spent enough time with a particular person that I've struggled with how to tell them. Also, not my job - mommy and daddy's job. If they failed, there is nothing to indicate that I will succeed.
dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#20
Feb 1, 2013
 
L1: Just like some kids that are brought up in a home with parent(s) that don't shelter them and let them run wild and turn out just fine, so will some kids brought up sheltered turn out to be wild ones. Not that many kids/teens are that assertive at a young age.

L2: It is an Asian cultural thing. For ramon noodles and such, but not appropriate for steak and eggs. It would be a service to him for someone to clue him in.
Italians also do a bit of slurping their spaghetti.
But cutting it up is just so wrong, except for little kids. They can learn to twirl when they are older.

By the way, there is a fork that has a battery in the handle that makes it twirl. A friend bought it for me as a joke, not because I'm a sloppy eater. She just likes those crappy gadgets.
And I bought her some adult bibs this Christmas, because she is a sloppy eater. She uses them!!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#21
Feb 1, 2013
 
LW1: If she tries this again at your home, totally use your parents as a reason to stop watching. Amy's script is a good start if you don't want to actually confront her on not liking this.

I realize that you probably don't have many friends, so making this one angry seems really scary, but you have to stand up for what you feel is right for YOU.

Peer pressure must be rough when you only have one peer.

LW2: I suspect that it is more cultural than you'd like to believe. But talk to your daughter about this, not stupid Amy.

LW3: Oooo, rehash made from real children! Yummy!!

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