Comments
1 - 20 of 28 Comments Last updated Sep 27, 2013
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Sep 26, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I'm three months pregnant. Before I got pregnant, my husband and I enjoyed having wine with dinner or a margarita when we were out on the town. We didn't drink to excess, but have enjoyed alcohol in moderation.

Obviously, I can't drink anymore, but my husband carries on like nothing has changed. I'm becoming resentful every time we go out to eat.

I asked him once if he'd quit drinking until our baby arrives. He looked shocked and said, "Why? I'm not pregnant." I guess I feel left out because he's having fun. I want him to suffer with me, and this is really getting on my nerves. Any advice?-- RESENTFUL IN TENNESSEE

DEAR RESENTFUL: Yes. If you feel you are missing out on "fun" if you can't drink, you have a potential alcohol problem. Tell your husband that when he drinks in front of you, it makes you crave alcohol, and ask again that he respect your feelings and not do it. A considerate husband and father-to-be should respect that you are doing the heavy lifting (literally) and help all he can.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old man who was born disabled. I have not had a date in years. I'd like to date and have a girlfriend, but when women look at me, all they see is my wheelchair.

I'm a good person, well-mannered, respectful, caring and compassionate. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated.-- LONELY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LONELY: I'm glad you wrote because it's important that you not allow yourself to be isolated. Get out and participate in activities you enjoy that include like-minded people. While you may have been born disabled, I'm sure you have abilities and talents that would be welcomed if you choose to volunteer them.
If you haven't already, search the various online dating sites for both disabled and nondisabled individuals or contact a disability advocacy organization for guidance or to help you get access. Seek advice within the disabled community (in person or online) from individuals who have more experience with dating than you do. They can also help you navigate any physical barriers that might prevent you from dating, if that's an issue.

There's a saying, "Seek and ye shall find," and it applies in your situation. I wish you the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's much older sister has no problem calling to ask for money, but never calls just to say hello or to see how he's doing. This has been going on for almost 10 years. She'll tell us she or her sons need it for bills or school expenses.

He has talked to her about it, but nothing has changed. We both work hard, while she refuses to ask the children's father for a cent. Should we continue to give her money because it may affect our nephews if we don't?-- AUNT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR AUNT: That you have tolerated this for 10 years tells me you and your husband are kindhearted and responsible people, and I respect that. However, fathers have a legal responsibility to support their children, and your sister-in-law should make sure it happens whether that involves hiring an attorney to help or applying for funds from the state to see her boys are taken care of. If you must give her money, give her enough for a consultation with an attorney because "Sissie" appears to have been using you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Sep 26, 2013
1 Talk to your baby doc, a glass of wine occasionally is not going to deform your kid, and it helps to relax both mom and baby.

2 Go to the gym, chicks love disabled guys who pump.

3 If the baby daddies aint paying, then you should not be either.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Sep 26, 2013
I am not discounting Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, BUT, before the docs discovered the relationship lots and lots of pregnant women drank alcohol and even smoked cigarettes and the vast bulk of western civilization's babies were not adversely affected.

However, because LW says she cannot have fun without alcohol and equates being dry to suffering, from a behavioral standpoint, her idea of moderation may be a whole lot higher than her doctor's. So for her being a total abstainer during pregnancy may be necessary.

Speaking as someone who has been pregnant a couple of times, early pregnancy can be a time of emotional roller coasters from a purely hormonal standpoint, especially if you are normally a pretty even tempered person. If LW understands this, she might be able to compartmentalize her reaction to her husband's drinking and wait for the frustration to settle down.

I am kind of wondering if she will insist her husband get strapped into some weird device to simulate labor when she starts having contractions on the theory that he got her into this, so he had damn well better know what he did.

L2. Doing the math, if SIL has been calling for money for at least 10 years, then LW a probably been married for 10 years and is therefore at least 30, probably older. If SIL is much older, she is perhaps 40, and the kids perhaps 15 or so, meaning they could get jobs.

LW's husband is certainly an enabler of his sister's behavior and may be co-dependent with her. Breaking a habit of 10 years standing will be hard, harder still since it is LW and not her husband who has written.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#4 Sep 26, 2013
LW1: I do wonder why LW has such a hard time with is. And ther eis nothing wrong with a small glass of wine once in a blue moon. I don't think the husband should have to quit unless he is a heavy drinker. It gets old trying to take care of a heavy drinker when you're pregnant.(and to take care of everything else because he's a heavy drinker).

LW2: Tell SIL to file for state support. Then the state will go after the father.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Sep 26, 2013
LW1: 1. Your husband does not need to "suffer" along with you. That you even think this is "suffering" is worrisome.
2. You can have the occasional glass of wine with dinner, and I stress with dinner. Food helps dilute the alcohol, but I'm not confident you can just have the occasional glass once you get permission to have one.
3. You sound like a PITA and I pity your husband and future kid.

LW2: Getting out there and joining some activities sounds like a good idea, but I could see that being really hard. Can he drive or is he reliant on public transportation? This alone could derail the whole plan...

LW3: Stop giving her money. If you feel you must, pay specific bills only relating to the children (tuition, school fees, sports classes and the like), but do not just give her a check.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Sep 26, 2013
LW1: Blow!



You sound like you have an alcohol problem if you husband can’t drink around you without you getting resentful.

LW2: You will probably have to find someone who is disabled too.

LW3: She should have signed that “doormat in the south.”

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Sep 26, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW2: Tell SIL to file for state support. Then the state will go after the father.
Most states are not as helpful as Florida. In Florida, they'll hunt down the non-paying parent and throw them in jail. Not so much in other states.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Sep 26, 2013
L1: Maybe it's her hormones that's making her sound like beyotch and selfish. Why should he stop?

When I was preggo, the smell of beer made me physically sick for the first 7 months. And for some reason, my sense of smell was so heightened.

L2: Find a hobby or something that you love to do then find where the females are that love to do it, too. Figure out a way to get there.

L3: Your hubby has to convince her to go for child support. There might be some reason she does not want the father anywhere near her or her child.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#9 Sep 26, 2013
LW3 - if you really feel compelled to pay for stuff for hte kids, pay the school/park district/scouts/whomever directly.

we paid my SIL's rent for months, paying the landlord directly every time. now she's asking for money for some of this and some of that. Between spousal support and state aid (b/c she can't get a job with her credit history), she should be better off, but she's still asking. we're at the point of asking for the bills and submittign straight to the utilities or doctors. we're torn, b/c 2 huge "bills" that she has are for her therapist & her divorce lawyer... she really needs both, and they both need to get paid! but, she needs to figure out how to plan and balance everythign...

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Sep 26, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
LW3 - if you really feel compelled to pay for stuff for hte kids, pay the school/park district/scouts/whomever directly.
we paid my SIL's rent for months, paying the landlord directly every time. now she's asking for money for some of this and some of that. Between spousal support and state aid (b/c she can't get a job with her credit history), she should be better off, but she's still asking. we're at the point of asking for the bills and submittign straight to the utilities or doctors. we're torn, b/c 2 huge "bills" that she has are for her therapist & her divorce lawyer... she really needs both, and they both need to get paid! but, she needs to figure out how to plan and balance everythign...
When it gets to be that bad, I would think the better way to go is pile them up and then claim bankruptcy. There has to be a stop point.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#11 Sep 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
When it gets to be that bad, I would think the better way to go is pile them up and then claim bankruptcy. There has to be a stop point.
she already did, and that's teh problem... she & soon-to-be ex had a buisiness that collapsed, and it ruined their personal credit too. lost the house (beginning of the bitter end of their marriage). then some addiciton issues came to light. she's been working that for nearly 2 years now. she can't pass a credit check to work for any major company, and gets screwed at small family-owned places. she can't catch a break.

we're the only ones supporting her, financially & emotionally. but we're getting emotionally drained now, nad we cant continue to financially support her. I'm also wondering if we stop paying her bills that would be the kick in the ass she needs to work harder at getting her crap togetehr. She's going to school, so she's trying something, but taht is way new to her (30+ years since HS) so it's challenging.

<sigh>

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Sep 26, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
LW3 - if you really feel compelled to pay for stuff for hte kids, pay the school/park district/scouts/whomever directly.
we paid my SIL's rent for months, paying the landlord directly every time. now she's asking for money for some of this and some of that. Between spousal support and state aid (b/c she can't get a job with her credit history), she should be better off, but she's still asking. we're at the point of asking for the bills and submittign straight to the utilities or doctors. we're torn, b/c 2 huge "bills" that she has are for her therapist & her divorce lawyer... she really needs both, and they both need to get paid! but, she needs to figure out how to plan and balance everythign...
If her ex is better off, why wasn't he paying her divorce lawyer's bills?

It is rarely too late to ask the judge to do that. They tend to like seeing lawyers get paid.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 Sep 26, 2013
hook her up with an old dude?
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
she already did, and that's teh problem... she & soon-to-be ex had a buisiness that collapsed, and it ruined their personal credit too. lost the house (beginning of the bitter end of their marriage). then some addiciton issues came to light. she's been working that for nearly 2 years now. she can't pass a credit check to work for any major company, and gets screwed at small family-owned places. she can't catch a break.
we're the only ones supporting her, financially & emotionally. but we're getting emotionally drained now, nad we cant continue to financially support her. I'm also wondering if we stop paying her bills that would be the kick in the ass she needs to work harder at getting her crap togetehr. She's going to school, so she's trying something, but taht is way new to her (30+ years since HS) so it's challenging.
<sigh>

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Sep 26, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
she already did, and that's teh problem... she & soon-to-be ex had a buisiness that collapsed, and it ruined their personal credit too. lost the house (beginning of the bitter end of their marriage). then some addiciton issues came to light. she's been working that for nearly 2 years now. she can't pass a credit check to work for any major company, and gets screwed at small family-owned places. she can't catch a break.
we're the only ones supporting her, financially & emotionally. but we're getting emotionally drained now, nad we cant continue to financially support her. I'm also wondering if we stop paying her bills that would be the kick in the ass she needs to work harder at getting her crap togetehr. She's going to school, so she's trying something, but taht is way new to her (30+ years since HS) so it's challenging.
<sigh>
Sounds like a tough road. If I was her I'd waitress, sell some product, telephone sales or anything. She might have to string a couple of jobs together until she gets another career in place.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#15 Sep 26, 2013
RACE wrote:
hook her up with an old dude?
<quoted text>
tried that... he's not that old and not that better than the husband...

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#16 Sep 26, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>If her ex is better off, why wasn't he paying her divorce lawyer's bills?
It is rarely too late to ask the judge to do that. They tend to like seeing lawyers get paid.
retainers still have to be paid... besides, the judge is now busy digging through he said/she said/IRS says to figure out what is "truth" about assets from the business... and the assets "he" bought in his daughters' names (yes, both of them).

would love to be a fly on teh courtroom wall for that. apparently even his lawyer was more than a little aghast when SIL brought it up at the last hearing.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#17 Sep 26, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
she already did, and that's teh problem... she & soon-to-be ex had a buisiness that collapsed, and it ruined their personal credit too. lost the house (beginning of the bitter end of their marriage). then some addiciton issues came to light. she's been working that for nearly 2 years now. she can't pass a credit check to work for any major company, and gets screwed at small family-owned places. she can't catch a break.
we're the only ones supporting her, financially & emotionally. but we're getting emotionally drained now, nad we cant continue to financially support her. I'm also wondering if we stop paying her bills that would be the kick in the ass she needs to work harder at getting her crap togetehr. She's going to school, so she's trying something, but taht is way new to her (30+ years since HS) so it's challenging.
<sigh>
Can she do some part-time housecleaning, organizing, house or pet sitting? I have a friend who filled out her between-jobs time with these side jobs. She can really hustle and stick to a budget, so it worked well for her.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#18 Sep 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Sounds like a tough road. If I was her I'd waitress, sell some product, telephone sales or anything. She might have to string a couple of jobs together until she gets another career in place.
she's tried waitressing, had to get out of hte toxic, dying-a-slow-death family business, and got fired from a better one wihtout the benefit of finding out what happened. <sigh>

she's broken down, tired and depressed (certifiably, not just "oh woe is me" blues). she needs time to work on her befoer she can work on the "system",. and it doestn' help that her 2 young adult daughters at best won't talk to her and at worst, put her down.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Sep 26, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
she's tried waitressing, had to get out of hte toxic, dying-a-slow-death family business, and got fired from a better one wihtout the benefit of finding out what happened. <sigh>
she's broken down, tired and depressed (certifiably, not just "oh woe is me" blues). she needs time to work on her befoer she can work on the "system",. and it doestn' help that her 2 young adult daughters at best won't talk to her and at worst, put her down.
Ya, it sounds like a lot of things are holding her down, even if you can't see the actual "hands" that are doing it. Doesn't make it any less real.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#20 Sep 26, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Can she do some part-time housecleaning, organizing, house or pet sitting? I have a friend who filled out her between-jobs time with these side jobs. She can really hustle and stick to a budget, so it worked well for her.
the odd thing is that she used to, but once her addiction issues came up, the stuff like this isn't working out... i think most of it was word of mouth, and through the church she used to go to.

so much for hate the sin, love the sinner... plus, it was more her husband's church, so he's poisoned the well, so to speak. hubby & i have taken issue with other things the church & some members have done, so we think she's better off without "those people".

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Crack and the Social, Moral, and Economic Decay... 54 min joey 2
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 1 hr Virus Infected 49,488
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 1 hr Stu Rumsfeld 1,101,343
HKN Record Label Need UpComing Artist Call_0803... 2 hr mr innocent 1
Word (Dec '08) 2 hr andet1987 4,664
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 3 hr litesong 46,375
Michelle Obama, f/k/a MICHAEL LAVAUGHN ROBINSON 3 hr FXX 3
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 5 hr LRS 177,520
•••
•••
•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••