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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jan 24, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I'm almost 30, and I've been with my boyfriend since we were teenagers. We live together at my father's house.

My boyfriend recently told me that he got another girl pregnant. He says he doesn't love her and doesn't want to be with her but that he does want to be there for the baby.

I'm lost and confused. We've been trying to have a baby for about five years now. It broke my heart when he told me he was having a baby with another girl. I hear from other people that he tells her he loves her and wants to be with her and the baby -- but then he comes home and tells me otherwise. I don't know what to think.

I don't want to break up. I'm in love with him and can't live without him, but I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm not happy. Please give me some advice.-- Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If you can ignore your man's behavior to be with him and potentially be an involved "other mother" for his baby, then by all means let him stick around, but his actions indicate it's time for him to leave.

When you two are separated you won't have to tolerate his infidelity, listen to his lies and (eventually) help raise his child. Your life will start fresh, and I hope you will take advantage of your fresh start by making brave choices to put yourself first, raise your standards, and expect personal integrity and sexual fidelity in your partners.

Be brave and give him the boot. Once you do, you will become stronger and more courageous. Then you'll wonder what took you so long to realize that you can live -- and live well -- without him.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I invited a couple out to dinner to a restaurant we all like. We hadn't socialized with them in quite some time, and I was really looking forward to catching up.

When we were finalizing the plans for the evening, I received a text that our friends had invited another couple whom we have never met. Is it as rude as I think it is? It has really upset me, but I am willing to be told to get over it. Should I say something, or chalk it up to knowing better next time?-- Fuming

DEAR FUMING: I can imagine a situation in which friends might think it would be OK to ask to expand the party (e.g., they had friends pop in unexpectedly from out of town), but in general it is not acceptable to issue an invitation to a gathering where you are not the host.

If they wanted to include another couple they should not have sent a text declaring their intentions but should have called you and verbally asked if you would object. Your friends didn't behave well.

It would be very easy to answer by text, "We are hoping to catch up privately with you, but we'd love to meet your friends another time."

DEAR AMY: I want to give a different perspective on the letter from "Confused Friend," whose friend was abruptly ditching her. If this is an alarming and recent change of behavior, it could very well signal substance abuse, depression or another serious mental health issue.

Simply dropping off the planet and ending the friendship is not the responsible or caring thing to do. It would be different if the friend had always been flaky, or this was a new and fledgling friendship, but what she described is a classic first signal of a serious psychological issue -- friends and family noticing a sudden change.

But that's exactly when friends need to hang in and remember that sometimes relationships involve work. I'd hate for you to discourage being a friend to someone in need. After all, if friends and family aren't willing to help, who will?-- Andrea

DEAR ANDREA: I agree that abrupt and dramatic changes in behavior warrant a thoughtful reaction; this particular friend was rebuffing all attempts at contact, which makes it even more challenging to help.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jan 24, 2013
 
1 you may be 30 but its still teen stuff, dont care.

2 Oh, get over it, and get separate checks.

3 whatever, nothing chemicals and therapy cant cure.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1: "can't live without him"

Yes, you can. I'd be interested to know how the interaction between him and your father has changed since this revelation. I'd certainly not want him under my roof anymore.

LW2:Since you did the inviting, I'd say they were beholden to you to ok the extra couple before inviting them. Had they invited you, I'd say they would be free to invite whoever else they wanted.

That being said, get over it and go have a good time and quite stewing over proper etiquette.

LW3: I don't know what letter this is rehashing, but I gather an lw was upset over another friend just dropping all contact abrubptly. Does not mean the person has problems. Could mean that LW is the toxic friend we hear about all the time and her friend finally had enough and dropped her like a rock.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#4
Jan 24, 2013
 
You know, call me an old grouch, but I REALLY hate it when someone, doesn't matter whether it's male or female, says that they "can't live without" someone. How about getting a spine and some self-respect and recognizing that no one except you is really responsible for your own life and happiness.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jan 24, 2013
 
L1: Did you ever think that maybe you both could do better?

L2: It IS rude and to me, it implies that they either are socially clueless (well, that's not an implication, it's an established fact at this point), or they don't find you that interesting and they need a "buffer" couple. And since you invitd this couple out to dinner, YOU should be paying their way, so now are you on the hook for this other couple? No. You need to open your mouth, use your words, and talk to them. NO TEXTING.

L3: I don't even remember the original letter. N ice job, Amy.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1- Change is scary and the thought of being unattached, when you have never lived life as a single adult, is probably overwhelming. However, it is time that you grow up emotionally, not just chronologically.

This relationship is over. Accept it and move on. Set goals for yourself and work toward them. Good luck.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

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#7
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW2- most of my communications these days are via text, so that issue doesn't bother me. I am more curious as to why this couple invited another couple to the dinner. Were they visiting from out of town? Has the second couple been trying to get these groups to meet and this just seemed like a good opportunity?

I can't tell from the letter if the LW is the one who doesn't get out very often or if the second couple is hard to pin down. In either case, these obviously aren't good friends because my good friends and I communicate with each other and we aren't that formal with our get togethers (especially when they are held at a restaurant where food is made to order).

If you are that upset, stop trying to place blame and just cancel the dinner.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#8
Jan 24, 2013
 
L1: I'm sorry, did you say you're almost 13?

L2: Yeah, kinda rude. But in my world, inviting another couple to eat out at a restaurant with you still doesn't mean you're paying for them, unless you're taking them out for their anniversary or something. So you're not on the hook for anyone else's meals. Also, what Ang said: use your words. Verbally. Texting can be a cop-out and messages can get misconstrued too easily.

L3: I don't remember the original letter either.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#9
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1: Dude is presumably in his 30s or almost in his 30s and lives with you in your dad’s house, cheats on you, has a baby with another woman, tells the other women he loves her and wants to be with her, and you still want to be with him? Darwin and all of humanity are thankful that you haven’t successfully bred.

LW2: BFD. Neither couple was the host. It was at a restaurant, not at the LW’s home. And you sign your letter “fuming.” OMFG are you a drama queen. No wonder they haven’t socialized with you in quite some time. Clingy, needy, and whiny.

LW3: Whatever you say, wannabe Dr. Phil.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Jan 24, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
But in my world, inviting another couple to eat out at a restaurant with you still doesn't mean you're paying for them, unless you're taking them out for their anniversary or something.
Yeah, if that was the intended arrangement, just ask for separate checks instead of being a doormat, paying for them, and then fuming over it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#11
Jan 24, 2013
 
1- Step one, move out of the trailer park. The rest of the steps will fall into place.

2- Let it go.

3- if your friend cuts off all contact with you, there's not much you can do.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#12
Jan 24, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, if that was the intended arrangement, just ask for separate checks instead of being a doormat, paying for them, and then fuming over it.
Agreed.

I definitely don't think that whoever initiates the invitation to hang out is obligated to pay. Maybe in the early stages of dating, but among friends? Regardless of whose idea it was, my friends and I always split the bill or whatever, unless it's someone's birthday or something. With good friends, we may switch off paying here and there but it still has nothing to do with who brought up the idea to go do whatever.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Jan 24, 2013
 
L1: ITA with Jess. She does sound very emotionally immature.

L2: Get over it. Maybe they think of you differently than in the way that you think of them. They could have thought this was a casual get together and you viewed it a bit more formal. It's not worth the hand wrangling you are doing.

L3: I agree with edog on this one. Not much you can do if you cannot contact someone.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#14
Jan 24, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
Agreed.
I definitely don't think that whoever initiates the invitation to hang out is obligated to pay. Maybe in the early stages of dating, but among friends? Regardless of whose idea it was, my friends and I always split the bill or whatever, unless it's someone's birthday or something. With good friends, we may switch off paying here and there but it still has nothing to do with who brought up the idea to go do whatever.
We go out with one couple (we are actually going out with them this weekend) and we used to take turns paying for each other, but Bambi and I would much rather just split the bill. For us, we'd rather drop around 100 bucks for dinner every time we go out, than drop around $200 every other time, on top of money for a sitter. That's makes for an expensive night ... just for dinner and drinks too.

I just don't see what the big deal is when it comes to taking turns paying for each other. It ends up being a wash anyway.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Jan 24, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
And since you invitd this couple out to dinner, YOU should be paying their way,
How do you arrive at this? I would never intend this when asking, or expect this when asked. How exactly, then, would you go out with friends and everyone pay their own way?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#16
Jan 24, 2013
 
LW1: Wow. You need to grow up. And count your lucky stars that you did not have a baby with this loser.

LW2: Oh, take the stick out. Ask for separate checks and try and make some new friends.

LW3: What are they supposed to do? Stalk the person? Crappy rehash.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#17
Jan 24, 2013
 
Unless a restaurant has a problem splitting the bill, I see zero reason to get one check.
Sam I Am

Chicago, IL

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#18
Jan 24, 2013
 
1. Which trailer do you live in? I am going to send someone by to smack you. Good grief, could you be a bigger doormat? Sorry, but this problem really ain't worth fixin','cause you are just going to continue to make similar mistakes.

2. Your friends are clueless. When you get an invitation, you don't extent it unless you are told it is o.k. to do so.

3. Don't know, don't care.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#19
Jan 24, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Unless a restaurant has a problem splitting the bill, I see zero reason to get one check.
Most around here ask first, especially if it's two or three couples.

Since: Jan 10

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#20
Jan 24, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>How do you arrive at this? I would never intend this when asking, or expect this when asked. How exactly, then, would you go out with friends and everyone pay their own way?
When I first read the letter this morning, I read it as "we invited them out to dinner at a restaurant." which, according to etiquette, implies that you're paying. But I read it again much later, and could see how it could have been a more informally worded invitation/conversation that wouldn't imply that the "guests" were being treated.

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