“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 19, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a 24-year-old woman and have been with my wonderful partner for the past seven years. He is also 24. We have lived together for several years. We are in a committed, loving relationship and see marriage in the future, but not as soon as my father would like.

I do not live in the same state as my parents but visit as often as possible. The last few trips, my very Catholic father has been pushing marriage or request we break up, which I think is ridiculous.

I have told him many times to not push it, because we are young and I feel as though we need to grow mentally and financially before marrying.

We are both trying to find grounding in our fields and only graduated from college a year ago.

My father is becoming overly aggressive with his request, and I am playing with the idea of telling him to stop minding my relationship or I will cut ties with him and not visit.

I am very close to both of my parents and do not want to go this route, but I fear my request will fall on deaf ears and he will continue to badger my partner and me.

How do I calm my pushy father down?-- Tired

DEAR TIRED: Before resorting to the nuclear option ("Stop bugging me about this, or I'll cut you off completely"), you should give him fair warning about how much this bothers you by simply and calmly asking him, again, to stop. The next time this starts, put your hand on his arm and say, "Dad, please. You're not helping. I don't want to discuss this with you. Please stop." Follow up with a letter stating that you understand his position and that he doesn't need to restate it.

If his need for you to get married is a result of his religious convictions, then that likely supersedes your views. Prepare yourself for this to continue, and if it does, then staying away from home would seem like a natural consequence of his behavior and the discomfort it causes you.

DEAR AMY: A relative visits our home occasionally wearing a T-shirt announcing "Christ Died for Your Sins."

He knows that I'm a nonbeliever and has obviously put the shirt on specifically for the visit, since our home is his destination.

I'm not offended by the shirt, but I am perplexed and, frankly, irritated.

The message on the shirt is like an elephant in the room and seems like a passive-aggressive form of proselytizing.

Should I say something in a nonconfrontational way or just continue to try to ignore the shirt?-- Not Likely To Convert

DEAR NOT LIKELY: You could engage in your own form of passive proselytizing by wearing your own "Smile, There Is No Hell" or "God Made Me an Atheist" T-shirt, but if you're not offended by this shirt and are curious about your relative's motivation, then you should ask him about it: "I'm wondering about your shirt. You've worn it here before. Do you want to talk about it?"

You may not be interested in changing your views, but you do seem open to having a conversation. As long as this is handled peacefully and respectfully, you both might benefit.

If the idea of discussing religion gives you hives, then definitely do your best to ignore this shirt and simply step around the elephant in the room.

DEAR AMY: "Sad Dad" wrote to you about his adult daughter who was doing very well in life but was only in touch with her parents to prompt them to give her money. Maybe he should set up a trust for his daughter so that she doesn't get her inheritance till she is at least 60 years old.

That way, when she is ready to retire, she will have a nice retirement. Someone I know did that, and the children were very happy to receive it.-- Reader

DEAR READER: I like this idea, but it does not necessarily resolve the personal issue between the daughter and her parents, which is one of neglect coupled with entitlement.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jan 19, 2014
1- "Honor thy father and thy mother."
-Exodus 20

2- I'm always amazed when atheists get so offended by God. Is it guilt?

"But whoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."
-Matthew 10:33
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#3 Jan 19, 2014
L1: She uses the term partner rather than boyfriend. That drives me crazy.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Jan 19, 2014
L1 If your father is so traditional, why hasn't he hauled your "partner" in front of him and demanded to know his intentions? The fact that he has not done so tells me that there is something else one on here.. Is your BF Catholic?

L2 Ignore hm. He is in deed being passive aggressive. He wants to annoy you. If he wanted to convert you he would be doing more than just wearing a T-shirt. Accidentally spill something staining on him the next time he is there. Spaghetti sauce or red wine is good.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#5 Jan 19, 2014
tiredofit wrote:
L1: She uses the term partner rather than boyfriend. That drives me crazy.
Right! "Partner" is reserved for gay couples. She has no right to steal it!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Jan 19, 2014
tiredofit wrote:
L1: She uses the term partner rather than boyfriend. That drives me crazy.
I agree. We had a married tenant once who was moving to Hawaii to start a new job. Her husband and kids had already left supposedly so they could have a visit with his family in Colorado before leaving for their new home in Hawaii while the wife finished up a project for the job she was leaving and do last minute things for the move. After doing the final walk-through, someone drove up and the tenant introduced us to the man (after a slight confused pause) as being her "partner." I took it to mean that he was her work partner and that he was there to pick her up to take her to the airport. There was luggage in his backseat that I assumed was hers. It was weeks later that I realized he must be her boyfriend and that her husband had not simply taken the kids on a visit to his parents as she'd said but had taken the kids away from her and to his home state while she left for the other state for her new job with her new boyfriend. Duh!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jan 19, 2014
1: I do understand what your point of view is. You don't want Dad telling you how to run your life. But you said you've been with your guy for 7 years and you're both only 24. My math tells me you were both 17 when you got together so perhaps your reluctance to get married has something to do with a longing to try someone else before you settle down to married life. You're reluctant to leave one guy for only a "possible." Something like a "bird in hand" as opposed to "two in the bush" concept. So think about that for a bit. What do you REALLY want? Personally, I'd say if you aren't even engaged to be married, you won't be - at least not to each other. You simply find your situation convenient for whatever reason but you're not committed. So grow up and get rid of your security blanket and find out what you really want out of life. It doesn't appear to be this boyfriend or perhaps he doesn't really want you. Ok, both of you need to grow up.

I know, I'm being mean today. I must be in a bad mood. ;-)

2: Yes, you DO find the shirt annoying and offensive. And it is a passive-aggressive behavior unless this is the only shirt he owns or they're all like that. Personally, I'd think twice about inviting him to my house.

3: I agree with Amy in regard to what the original letter was about. I think the parents should simply stop giving the daughter money and allow her to learn to stand on her own two feet. If she doesn't visit, too bad. She doesn't visit them anyway; she visits their money. What they could do is visit a lawyer and arrange to either leave any money left after their deaths to the charity of their choice or in a way that the daughter can't get her hands on it or use it as collateral for loans until she's of retirement age. Then they should spend the money as they please and have a more comfortable retirement. They don't owe her a thing.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#8 Jan 19, 2014
1: I'm sure it's religious convictions. His daughter has been with the same guy for 7 years and can't get married. What's the hold-up? I get both sides, I do, but how long will you be his girlfriend or partner? You're old enough to put up or shut up, specially if you're living together.

2: Please. If that's all he's doing to try and witness to a relative he cares about (yes, we have been called to witness), be happy. He's not saying rude things or anything else you would have mentioned.
I have a "Satan is a Nerd" T-shirt I love to wear just because--wait for it--I love the shirt.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#9 Jan 19, 2014
LW1: It's refreshing to read a letter from a young woman secure enough in herself and her relationship to not want to rush to the altar. Your challenge is to not let your dad's opinion bother you. Tell him that you are managing your own life and the subject is closed.

LW2: I vote for ignoring the shirt. Both he and you are entitled to your differing opinions. People do not have to agree about everything to get along.

LW3: I don't know which I find sadder; the daughter whose only connection to her parents is financial or the parents who want to use their money to control the daughter's visits or punish her for not visiting.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Jan 19, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree. We had a married tenant once who was moving to Hawaii to start a new job. Her husband and kids had already left supposedly so they could have a visit with his family in Colorado before leaving for their new home in Hawaii while the wife finished up a project for the job she was leaving and do last minute things for the move. After doing the final walk-through, someone drove up and the tenant introduced us to the man (after a slight confused pause) as being her "partner." I took it to mean that he was her work partner and that he was there to pick her up to take her to the airport. There was luggage in his backseat that I assumed was hers. It was weeks later that I realized he must be her boyfriend and that her husband had not simply taken the kids on a visit to his parents as she'd said but had taken the kids away from her and to his home state while she left for the other state for her new job with her new boyfriend. Duh!
In my work we often have business partners.

There was a rather hilarious situation where one of our colleagues got married. The tables were mixed with business and non business friends. I was making introductions.

"Hi. I' P. This is my husband D and this is my partner C".

Completely confused look on teh othe persons face while he sorted that out.

FWIW, I agree the term partner seems to have been appropriated in a social context by same sex couples
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#11 Jan 19, 2014
Well, that is what I thought in this situation. But I realized during the conversation that they didn't work together. In fact, it came out that the man had traveled from Colorado to help her move. It confused me when I heard that and their body language seemed off for business partners. I could still have the whole situation wrong but maybe not. It really isn't all that important to me it was just something that occurred to me only after connecting the fact this guy had traveled from Colorado and not just from nearby. The tenants had only been here for a year with the wife working as a college professor while her husband supposedly "worked" keeping track of his investments and took care of the kids. He'd just retired from the military. I suspect that she and this guy had had an affair when the tenants had lived in Colorado and she'd taken the job in NY as part of an effort to save the marriage. I thought this guy's coming all this way to help her move was strange . So either he was an extremely generous friend or they had been having an affair previously and they had decided to resume that relationship after the attempt to save her marriage didn't work out.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#12 Jan 19, 2014
Whoops! My last post was in response to PEllen's post just above it. I forgot to hit reply and simply wrote my comment in the box. Duh. Ok, I'm losing it already today. ;-)

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#13 Jan 19, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: I do understand what your point of view is. You don't want Dad telling you how to run your life. But you said you've been with your guy for 7 years and you're both only 24. My math tells me you were both 17 when you got together so perhaps your reluctance to get married has something to do with a longing to try someone else before you settle down to married life. You're reluctant to leave one guy for only a "possible." Something like a "bird in hand" as opposed to "two in the bush" concept. So think about that for a bit. What do you REALLY want? Personally, I'd say if you aren't even engaged to be married, you won't be - at least not to each other. You simply find your situation convenient for whatever reason but you're not committed. So grow up and get rid of your security blanket and find out what you really want out of life. It doesn't appear to be this boyfriend or perhaps he doesn't really want you. Ok, both of you need to grow up.
I know, I'm being mean today. I must be in a bad mood. ;-)
2: Yes, you DO find the shirt annoying and offensive. And it is a passive-aggressive behavior unless this is the only shirt he owns or they're all like that. Personally, I'd think twice about inviting him to my house.
3: I agree with Amy in regard to what the original letter was about. I think the parents should simply stop giving the daughter money and allow her to learn to stand on her own two feet. If she doesn't visit, too bad. She doesn't visit them anyway; she visits their money. What they could do is visit a lawyer and arrange to either leave any money left after their deaths to the charity of their choice or in a way that the daughter can't get her hands on it or use it as collateral for loans until she's of retirement age. Then they should spend the money as they please and have a more comfortable retirement. They don't owe her a thing.
I was going to comment, but you nailed it!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Jan 20, 2014
1 tell dad he did a great job raising you, but you will take it from here.

2 Get your own tshirt.

3 No, the parents should spend it all, let her get her own dang money

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Jan 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 tell dad he did a great job raising you, but you will take it from here.
2 Get your own tshirt.
3 No, the parents should spend it all, let her get her own dang money
Lw2: that would be awesome.
He should have a different religiously irreverent shirt every time this relative comes over.

Jesus saves at the 1st National Bank
God is an atheist
What Would Darwin Do?

Hah! Just saw one with 2 hands praying that said
Please Lord. Save me from your fan club.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Jan 20, 2014
Saw one that said F___ Cancer, while looking for the others.

Seems appropriate today.
Blunt Advice

Bayonne, NJ

#17 Jan 20, 2014
1. Parents with religious values wanting their adult children to get married young is age old thing. Tell him you eloped. Heck, maybe you'll get presents.
2. Dress in goth or biker attire and play metal music. It drives fundies nuts.
3. The daughter in that letter had a good career yet called only for money. Have to wonder what they did to make her avoid them.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#18 Jan 20, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Hah! Just saw one with 2 hands praying that said
Please Lord. Save me from your fan club.
I want THAT shirt!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Jan 20, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I want THAT shirt!
http://giveusart.com/2011/04/2 1/save-us-from-your-fanatics/

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