“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 12, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 14 years to a man who had two failed marriages. I never felt insecure in my married life until I read his answers to a Yahoo Answers poll that asked, "Do you dream about the one that got away?" and, "Have you found the love of your life?"

My husband responded that he thinks about her very often, especially on her birthday and Valentine's Day. To the other question he replied he had found the love of his life, but the relationship had ended in divorce, which he admitted was his fault.

I know he was talking about his first wife. I feel so sad and insecure. Now I must deal with the fact that on Valentine's Day his thoughts are with someone else. How can I get over this? I no longer believe him when he says he loves me because I have proof that he hasn't moved on yet. I can't believe he said that even now he still thinks about her. Please help.-- SAD HEART IN SAN JOSE

DEAR SAD HEART: Your husband posted those thoughts on a public forum? Rather than feel hurt and insecure, you should be furious. How would he feel if the person answering that poll had been you?(Of course, you would have had better judgment.)

By now it should be clear to you that you did not marry a rocket scientist. You have my sympathy because his first marriage has been over for nearly two decades and he -- along with his obvious shortcomings -- are no longer her problem, but yours. However, your pain may lessen if you look at the bright side: He treats you well 363 days a year, and many of the women who write to me are not so lucky.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with a man in a long-distance relationship for two years. I care about him very much and I believe he cares for me.

Things were going great until he was devastated by a downturn in his business. He had planned to move here, but was unable to sell his home. We used to see each other every two weeks, but no longer. It has been almost two months. He calls once a week, but nothing else.

We have been close and he has shared his life, his worries and personal information with me. I haven't pressured him and I don't need a commitment now, although I would like one someday.

Abby, he seems to be drifting away. Is it OK to write to him, email him, send encouraging notes once a week and continue to support him? Is it too much to ask for more frequent communication from him? I have offered to travel the 1,000 miles, but he has evaded my offer. I'm not ready to walk away. We have been great together and this is difficult for me. Advice?-- HOLDING ON IN COASTAL CALIFORNIA

DEAR HOLDING ON: It's fine to be supportive, but don't overwhelm him right now. You may have to let this play out in its own time. Your friend may have retreated because he's concentrating his energy on reviving his business. He may be licking his wounds or he may have met someone, which is why he discouraged your visit. That he still calls you is encouraging.

Because you have known him for two years, I recommend you simply ask him if he's met someone else. If the answer is no, it will put your mind at ease. But if the answer is yes, at least you'll be clear about what happened.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Dec 12, 2012
1- Lady, if you're gonna let a yahoo poll make you insecure about your 14 year long marriage, YOU are the one with issues.

2- Maybe he found someone, maybe not. Maybe he's just got a lot of things on his plate and a relationship with someone 1,000 miles away isn't on the top of his priority list. Either way, I think the writing's on the wall.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Dec 12, 2012
L1: Why are you snooping?

"Your husband posted those thoughts on a public forum?" I highly doubt his name is attached to those posts, Abby. He didn't publicly humiliate her.

L2: It's over. Let it go.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Dec 12, 2012
1 Yay, way to man bash abby! So what, he has regrets, and we all think about the one that got away. Part of the human experience. The only stupid thing this guy did was to marry someone who is so insecure that she needs to constantly check for validation of his love.

2 Mutt is right, if his business collapsed, then snuggling with you is not his priority right now. Deal.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Dec 12, 2012
LW1: "Now I must deal with the fact that on Valentine's Day his thoughts are with someone else."

Oh please. Valentine's Day is a total BS holiday.

"I no longer believe him when he says he loves me because I have proof that he hasn't moved on yet."

What proof? That he thinks about someone he used to love? That does not mean he hasn't moved on. If he was still trying to get back with her,*that* would be not moving on.

Despite what you say, you sound whiny and needy.

LW2: I would move this relationship into the friend catagory until further notice. Usually, pulling away like he's doing is a sure sign that he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Dec 12, 2012
LW1: Just because he has feelings for another woman from his past doesn't mean he doesn't love you too.

LW2: Don't smother. Give him some space.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#7 Dec 12, 2012
1 Shee-it! We men will always love the women from our pasts, except the ones who screwed us over.

2 He's not that into you anymore. Save your efforts and your dignity.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#8 Dec 12, 2012
What squishymama said - both LWs.

Happy 12/12/12!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Dec 12, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Why are you snooping?
"Your husband posted those thoughts on a public forum?" I highly doubt his name is attached to those posts, Abby. He didn't publicly humiliate her.
L2: It's over. Let it go.
ITA on both. She's complaining about something he never intended for her to see and no one else in the world knows it's HIM that wrote that. And on the second letter -- I bet he's on to someone else.

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