“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 29, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am a 21-year-old business professional fresh out of university. My fiance (28 years old) and I have been engaged since last fall, but I've kept the engagement a secret. He is kind, thoughtful and supportive, and I know he loves me unconditionally, as I love him. We've been together for two years.

My family does not approve of him. My mother, who has always been my idol and closest confidant, told me that if I marry this man she will not attend the wedding. She feels that because he does not have a university education, our relationship is doomed to fail. He simply "isn't good enough." Since this conversation, I've stopped wearing my ring around her and other family members.

I can see how much it hurts my fiance to see me tuck my beautiful engagement ring into a jewelry box instead of wearing it, but I love my family (particularly my mother) too much to cause them any unnecessary stress.

I know this is selfish and cruel, but I'm torn between the man I love (and want to marry) and my family members, who support and love me.

Recently the idea to elope to Vegas has come up. Where do I go from here? Is there a way to please everyone?-- I Do, or Do I?

DEAR I DO: You need to take your ring out of its box and be brave enough to be engaged -- 24 hours a day.

I'm sure your mother loves you fiercely, but look at how she expresses her love: by forcing you into a situation in which you are torn and too paralyzed to do anything about it. By refusing to accept the man in your life, she is pushing you toward an elopement.

This is a great thing about being engaged: You can watch your beautiful ring sparkle in the sunlight as you give yourself more time to mature and your fiance more time to ingratiate himself to your family.

Over time you will realize there is absolutely no way to please everyone in your life. Own your independence. And do what is right for you. Your mother may need to sit out your wedding. If so, you should accept her choice but not the manipulation.

DEAR AMY: I'd like your advice on how I should go about getting money returned to me that was borrowed by a family member.

She made a small payment recently and specified in an email as to the dates and amounts she'd make the three payments. I completely trust that this person will pay me back, although the second payment date has passed by three days.

The date this person set for the third (and final) payment is in about two weeks.

How long do I wait until I remind this person about the second payment, and how would you advise I say this?

I don't want it to come across as anything more than a reminder. I don't mean to be pushy, but should I let months go by before I open my mouth?-- Waiting for the Dough

DEAR WAITING: It sounds as if this person has devised and imposed her own payment plan, which she is already breaking.

If you 100 percent trust that she will repay the money and can wait for it, then wait until the third payment is due. If she doesn't make a payment, email her to say, "You wrote that you would repay the loan by this date. Do you need more time?"

DEAR AMY: This is in response to "Hurt Wife," who is bothered that her husband wears a ring from his previous marriage. Years ago I worked for a man who wore two wedding rings. The ring on his left hand was from his current wife, the ring on his right hand from his late wife.

His children enjoyed that he remembered their mother while loving and honoring his living wife.-- Tom

DEAR TOM: I believe there is a different connection between a "late" wife and an "ex" wife. "Hurt's" husband's ring was from an ex-wife.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Aug 29, 2013
1- A 21 year old business "professional" fresh out of college? No you're not. You sound immature and naive. While your mother was slightly out of line in saying that to you, I think she's right. Guess you'd rather learn the hard way.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Aug 29, 2013
L1. A college degree is not a meal ticket to greatness.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Aug 29, 2013
I'm just sayin' that I have worked with a lot of university educated people and that they are quite capable of having the personality of a doorknob too.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Aug 29, 2013
1 Your mother is right, but for the wrong reasons.

2 If you have to ask amy how to enforce a contract you dont deserve the money.

3 Tom, your friend is an idiot and his experience has no bearing on what the LW wrote. Please learn to READ!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Aug 29, 2013
L1: I don't care if you're 21 or 50, you have no business being engaged and planning a wedding and marriage. NONE. I'm shocked, frankly, you found a guy who apparently doesn't know any better than to accept you and all you have to offer.

p.s. Your mom is not a good one. Good luck to your future therapist who has to deliver this news to you.

p.p.s. You're not a "business professional" until you're actually one. Graduating from college does not equal "business professional."

L2: I think it's adorable that you think this person will pay you back in full.

L3: Tom knew the difference, amy. But now he gets to see his letter in print, which is all he really wante3d.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 29, 2013
LW1: Grow a spine and stop letting mommy control you.

However, if I were your fiance I would dump you like a sack of potatoes. Your loyalty should be with your future husband above anyone else and he should be the same towards you, IMO. If he marries you heís always going to have a MIL who is meddling as well.

LW2: Remind her, but donít ask if she needs more time. Tell her you were counting on receiving the money back as she specified.

LW3: Eh, I donít think too many women would be too crazy about that regardless of whether it was a late wife or an ex wife.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Aug 29, 2013
I want to slap LW1.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Aug 29, 2013
LW1: Too young and immature to get married. Period.

LW2: Good luck.

LW3: What Red said.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Aug 29, 2013
L1: Okay -- maybe you're working on your first job out of "university". Great that a you have good self esteem but horrible that you don't have enough to stand on your own two feet. Why didn't you tell your mother it is your decision as a grown adult and you hope she comes to know and accept your fiance as part of the family. You don't seem to be able to do that so I have to agree you're not mature enough to start a marriage.

L2: Email the family member -- when do you expect to make the payment that is due.

L3: I think Red is right.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Aug 29, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW3: Eh, I donít think too many women would be too crazy about that regardless of whether it was a late wife or an ex wife.
I don't think I would have a problem if the wife was a late wife, especailly if there are young kids involved. But if the kids were teenages or older, forgetaboutit.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#12 Aug 29, 2013
LW1: What squisymama said, although I know a few people who married at 21 or younger and made it work. This particular LW is way too immature, not to mention unwilling to oppose or offend her mommy.

LW2: It has been my experience that people who borrow money from individuals instead of banks drag their feet about paying it back, if they ever do. You are far too trusting.

LW3: Original LW said he toldher that he wore the ring because he liked it. I think it's weird, but I don't think it's worth arguing about regularly.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#13 Aug 29, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Okay -- maybe you're working on your first job out of "university". Great that a you have good self esteem but horrible that you don't have enough to stand on your own two feet. Why didn't you tell your mother it is your decision as a grown adult and you hope she comes to know and accept your fiance as part of the family. You don't seem to be able to do that so I have to agree you're not mature enough to start a marriage.
L2: Email the family member -- when do you expect to make the payment that is due.
L3: I think Red is right.
re LW2 - i'd reply to the note the other person sent askign for an update.

we've given a bunch of money to my SIL for rent, food, etc paying teh landlord directly, taking her to target, etc, so we have a paper trail and know that the cash went to where it's really supposed to go. she has been very greatful adn saying every time taht she'll pay us back but we aer doubting we'll ever see it again. we've never given more tahn we could spare taht month, but a little here, a little there is adding up.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#14 Aug 29, 2013
L1: A 21 year old "business professional" you say. BTW, Isn't today the fast-food-workers strike? Don't be late.....

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Aug 29, 2013
I can't imagine taking money from a sibling and his spouse for living expenses.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Aug 29, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Grow a spine and stop letting mommy control you.
However, if I were your fiance I would dump you like a sack of potatoes. Your loyalty should be with your future husband above anyone else and he should be the same towards you, IMO.
Agreed.
She IS choosing family over hubby. Even if they did elope, would she hide it for life? Your mom's a jerk, even if she may be right.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Aug 29, 2013
2: This is why I don't let people borrow money. Not like I have any to lend. But especially family. Ick. No way.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#18 Aug 29, 2013
LW1: You sound utterly ridiculous and *far* too immature to get engaged, let alone married. And the mother you "idolize" is a manipulative btch. Do your poor fiance a huge favor and give him back the ring. Then you can go back to "Mommy" and she'll be happy. And if "Mommy" is happy, you'll be happy.
And eventually, your fiance will be the happiest of all.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Des Plaines, IL

#19 Aug 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I can't imagine taking money from a sibling and his spouse for living expenses.
in our case, its that or the streets for SIL. She's up the proverbial creek without anything resembling a paddle... there were some major twists & turns in divorce court today; can't wait to get the details...

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