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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 1, 2013
DEAR AMY: How does an older (40s) single dad re-enter the modern dating scene?

After 13 years of married life, I was divorced over 18 months ago (I didn't approve of the wife's boyfriend) and am the primary caregiver for my 9-year-old son.

Between his commitments and mine, there is very little time to play the social singles scene.

Options at our church are limited. Where does a guy look for an honest, intelligent and stable woman? No drama, because I'm dating for two now!-- Fresh Start

DEAR FRESH START: I love your description that you are "dating for two," because when you are a single parent, your child's interests are interwoven with your own.

One way to meet other parents is to get involved in your son's activities at (or after) school. Parents who know you and your son -- moms, especially -- will introduce you to single people.

Parents Without Partners brings single parents (and their children) together for activities and support. Check parentswithoutpartnersdotorg.

Meetupdotcom is a simple and brilliant concept -- groups form around a variety of interests and post a notice on the site, inviting anyone to "meet up." My local community has "meet-up" groups for photography, hiking and food. Volunteering for a favorite charity will also put you in proximity to new people.

You should also dip your toe into online matching. The nice thing about this is that you can go at your own pace and choose to meet people who have similar interests or who conform to certain criteria.

DEAR AMY: My husband of 28 years and I disagree about privacy issues. I think that as his wife I should know his email account passwords, his voice-mail number to get messages, if he is on Facebook, etc. I feel he should be an open book.

He says I am nosy and it is none of my business. He says he will do what he wants. I think I should be able to read his text messages. He told me, "It's my cellphone, you have your own!" He doesn't lock it, but he said he will.

Some trust issues have surfaced recently, but he said it is all in my head.-- Suspicious

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I agree that spouses should be "open books" to one another, but I also believe that individuals have a right to privacy. Trust in a relationship creates a space of sorts where individuals can operate freely and privately. Ironically, you can have all the privacy in the world if you have nothing to hide.

Your suspicion provides a rational reason to want access, but your suspicion also gives your husband the motivation to dig in his heels and then blame you for his behavior.

You two should talk this through with a marriage counselor. And you should realize that you could be given total access to every device in your husband's life, and he could still (and quite easily) do, say or write things you will never find out about. At the end of the day, trust (and transparency) is a choice.

DEAR AMY: I'd like to pass on some words of encouragement to the "Distant Dad" who wrote about his kids being moved 1,000 miles away.

I was 4 and my sister was 2 when my parents divorced. I don't remember a time when my father lived nearby, but I was (and am) close to him, regardless.

My sister and I spent summers with him when we were younger, and once I was old enough to voice my opinion and be taken seriously (10 years old), I alternated years living with him. We didn't have Skype or email or digital pictures, but (as you suggested) he sent postcards. He made a point to integrate me into the life he had. We didn't do fancy trips, and he didn't buy me things. None of those things mattered then and they don't now. Just being a normal dad when we were around was the best thing. He always loved me, and I always knew it without any doubt.-- Charity

DEAR CHARITY: How beautiful. I hope "Distant Dad" takes heart from your story.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Mar 1, 2013
1- Okay, if you don't know about online dating by now, you're too retarded to date anybody.

2- Yeah, I agree that a married couple should be "open books" as well. However, you seem to be taking it to the umpth degree. If a man was trying to exert this much control over his wife, he'd be called abusive. You've been married for 28 years, why is this just now an issue?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#3 Mar 1, 2013
L1: I have to go with edog on this one. Seriously, there are so many choices now both online and offline. I say do what you like to do and you will meet people who like to do those things too. It's a good start to a relationship.

L2: I'm a private person and I don't care how close I am to someone, I'm not giving all my passwords to that person. Doesn't mean I'm hiding something. If I was hiding something you wouldn't know it existed. If you can't trust him, it's not b/c he's not giving you passwords.

L3: It's too bad that every parent isn't like that, but they're not.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Mar 1, 2013
Team mutt, especially the part about if the roles were reversed, amby would have told the wife to have the husbands head checked

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 1, 2013
LW1: Amy's intern offered good suggestions.

LW2: You are a nosy bitch. Its one thing to have the passwords in case there is a need to access it(like if he calls you and has no access to a computer and needs to to go check his email) but you want access simply to nosily keep tabs on him at your whim? FLUUUUUCK you.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 1, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Okay, if you don't know about online dating by now, you're too retarded to date anybody.
I'm sure he KNOWS about it, but I don't think the stigma is completely gone away. I know its getting more and more common, but I'm guessing he's old school and does not view that as a desirable option. I've only got a 6 year old kid as my oldest, and I've been out of the dating pool long enough that back when I was in, online dating was definitely not as mainstream as it is now. This guy's kid is 9. So he's probably been out of the dating pool even longer.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Mar 1, 2013
Toj wrote:
I say do what you like to do and you will meet people who like to do those things too.
Sure, but how much time does a single dad have to get out and do things he likes? Great idea, but still a challenge.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Mar 1, 2013
L1: Online dating. Just don't put "no drama!" in your profile.

L2: Is he untrustworthy? Or are you a basket case of paranoia?

L3: Still not a fan of parents who decide unilaterally and unnecessarily to move their children away from their other parent.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 Mar 1, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I'm sure he KNOWS about it, but I don't think the stigma is completely gone away. I know its getting more and more common, but I'm guessing he's old school and does not view that as a desirable option. I've only got a 6 year old kid as my oldest, and I've been out of the dating pool long enough that back when I was in, online dating was definitely not as mainstream as it is now. This guy's kid is 9. So he's probably been out of the dating pool even longer.
Old school or not, I've always felt on line dating was for losers myself, but he's asking how he can meet people. What grown man in his forties has to ask an advice columnist this?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Mar 1, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I'm sure he KNOWS about it, but I don't think the stigma is completely gone away. I know its getting more and more common, but I'm guessing he's old school and does not view that as a desirable option. I've only got a 6 year old kid as my oldest, and I've been out of the dating pool long enough that back when I was in, online dating was definitely not as mainstream as it is now. This guy's kid is 9. So he's probably been out of the dating pool even longer.
I think he said he was married for 13 years. So figure 2 yeras of dating/engagement, plus the time since the divorce. THis guy hasn't dated in over 15 years? Yeah, internet dating wasn't on his radar back when he was single.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 1, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
What grown man in his forties has to ask an advice columnist this?
I agree. Might as well ask an old female advice columnist what to do for a bachelor party.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Mar 1, 2013
LW1: I think if you started doing some activities with your son, you will find that there are some single moms out there doing the same activities. Sign up for a 5K run/walk and join the training group, or a biking club or whatever activity that you two enjoy together. Just don't try too hard.

LW2: "Some trust issues have surfaced recently, but he said it is all in my head."

This is the real problem, but the LW would rather make it about some BS privacy issues.

LW3: I am so not in the mood for rehash.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#13 Mar 1, 2013
L1: Putting aside the fact that he's not only asking the question but asking Amy, I sympathize and kind of like the guy based on his letter. "I didn't approve of my wife's boyfriend" struck me as funny, and I love that he said he's dating for two. If kids weren't a deal breaker for me,*I'd* date him.

L2: Everyone has the right to privacy so unless you have a reason to think he's hiding something, back off. Assuming there's nothing shady going on, all the stuff in his phone and Facebook would probably bore you to tears anyway.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 1, 2013
LW1: Do the online dating thing.

LW2: I think itís nosey to pry, but my wife has access to everything of mine. I have nothing to hide and nothing I do online is that private.

LW3: Thatís a nice story.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Mar 1, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Sure, but how much time does a single dad have to get out and do things he likes? Great idea, but still a challenge.
I thought you'd respond to that -- almost changed my answer b/c I was thinking: Do I want to trade barbs with Tonka today.:) But I'm surprised at your question. I thought you were going to say "What if he likes weightlifting in a men's gym..."

It is a challenge to get out as a single parent, but if he can't carve out a couple of hours a week, he doesn't have time to date.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#16 Mar 1, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
If kids weren't a deal breaker for me
Good luck with that.

Normally, a middle-aged man with no kids (and/or never been married) is a huge red flag for many.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Mar 1, 2013
Maybe, but she likes them young anyway!
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Good luck with that.
Normally, a middle-aged man with no kids (and/or never been married) is a huge red flag for many.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Mar 1, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Good luck with that.
Normally, a middle-aged man with no kids (and/or never been married) is a huge red flag for many.
This line of thinking is just so strange to me, not that I disagree that its out there. I remember in mylate 20's early 30's era a divorced friend telling me that whenever he met women his age who had never been married, in the back of his mind he wondered what was wrong with them. the thought being that a divorced woman was "good enough" for someone to want to marry and this just didn't happen to work out, but a never married woman must have some issue that made her non-marriage material if she had not done so by that time.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

#19 Mar 1, 2013
1. Get rich, go to a club, get a table and bottle service, and the girls will roll up on you in no time.

2. Dum dum, your letter stinks. You spent all your time telling us what you want to do and no time telling us why. You say there are trust issues, what are they? You are being excessive in demanding access, but the real question is why you want such unlimited access?

3.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#20 Mar 1, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Good luck with that.
Normally, a middle-aged man with no kids (and/or never been married) is a huge red flag for many.
I didn't say he had to have never been married, just no kids. And I know they're few and far between. I might end up a cat lady.

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