dahgts

Chicago, IL

#1 Mar 4, 2013
Dear Amy: I met my boyfriend online three months ago. We have not met yet (in person) because he is deployed in Afghanistan.

Recently, he started getting really angry over small things. For example, he got mad when a male friend commented, "Y'all are cute" about a Facebook picture where I was posing with my sister. He also got mad because I wanted to go to the gym (because he thinks guys will try to flirt with me).

I understand how he might feel about me being around guys, especially when he isn't exactly free to do what he wants. I also understand the fact that he might be afraid to lose what we have, without being able to control it. I understand all that. That's why every time he gets angry, I try to reassure him and let him know that he has nothing to worry about, and that I am going to wait for him until he gets back, and we can finally be together.

Despite my efforts, I can't seem to avoid the unnecessary stress and frustration, especially when he often ends the conversation abruptly. I know what we have is real, and I want to give us a chance.

Can you help?— Upset Girlfriend

Dear Upset: I'm sure you are a very sweet person. I'm going to do you the favor of giving you a tough and straight answer, which I hope will jolt you awake.

He is trying to control you. Do not let him. He is trying to manipulate you. Do not tolerate it. Overall, this is not a safe relationship for you
to be in — even from a great distance. Please share all of this with a close friend or family member.

If your long-distance friend acts out or communicates in ways that scare (or worry) you, contact his company chaplain.

Military OneSource is a very helpful resource operated by the Department of Defense. Check the website: militaryonesource.mil or call (800) 342-9647 to speak with a counselor.

Dear Amy: My son is a single parent to my 16-year-old granddaughter. The mom is not in the picture. My granddaughter and I are close. I see her a couple times a week.

My son lies, cheats and steals his way through almost every aspect of his life. She is at the age where she recognizes that his behaviors are not socially (or legally) acceptable. How do I tell her that this is not the way to go through life, without being overly critical of her father?— Concerned Grandma

Dear Grandma: If your son has been lying, cheating and stealing his way through life, I'm going to assume that he has seen at least some negative consequences.

Teenagers are often acutely aware of issues of justice and fairness. Always respond honestly if your granddaughter has questions about her father's behavior.

Do not excuse his choices or the possible reasons for them, and if you are disappointed, say so. Show her how to live with integrity.

You are in the position to be a true hero to her. Continue to take an active role in her life, urging her every step of the way to do the right thing.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Mar 4, 2013
1 Lemme guess, your 17.

2 You have raised a fine boy there ma'am.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Mar 4, 2013
LW1: I will never understand pwoplw who refer to someone as their bf/gf when they have never met in person.

"I also understand the fact that he might be afraid to lose what we have"
You have nothing.

LW2: "How do I tell her that this is not the way to go through life, without being overly critical of her father?"
Be critical. Be honest.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Mar 4, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Lemme guess, your 17.
2 You have raised a fine boy there ma'am.
Sometimes,even when a parent does everything right, the kid is a bad seed.
One of my BIL's is like that. My husband is i a self employed professional, his sister is a teacher, the 3rd brother is a doctor and the 4th brother is a druggy, alcoholic who is in and out of jail alternating with homeless.

My younger daughter's best friend has an older brother who has no conscience and no insight into the fact that what he does affects others. I am not sure if G is a sociopath but he might be. The parents are good people, the other kids are doing well. In neither case do I think that child was singled out for bad treatment at home- they are just inherently lacking .

LW sounds like she is trying to do right by the granddaughter though. Generation skipping and all that.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 4, 2013
LW1: Control freak. Run.

LW2: What Amy’s intern said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Mar 4, 2013
I disagree, she does not mention helping to raise the child, only wants to know how to address the kid if she asks something. Does not sound overly involved to me. I still blame the parent.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>

LW sounds like she is trying to do right by the granddaughter though. Generation skipping and all that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#7 Mar 4, 2013
1- So you're dating someone you've never even met?

2- Buzz off, grandma.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#8 Mar 4, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Sometimes,even when a parent does everything right, the kid is a bad seed.
One of my BIL's is like that. My husband is i a self employed professional, his sister is a teacher, the 3rd brother is a doctor and the 4th brother is a druggy, alcoholic who is in and out of jail alternating with homeless.
My younger daughter's best friend has an older brother who has no conscience and no insight into the fact that what he does affects others. I am not sure if G is a sociopath but he might be. The parents are good people, the other kids are doing well. In neither case do I think that child was singled out for bad treatment at home- they are just inherently lacking .
LW sounds like she is trying to do right by the granddaughter though. Generation skipping and all that.
I know families like that, too. I also know people who grew up in dysfunctional families and are doing very well. It's easy to blame parents, but ultimately each adult needs to take personal responsibility, grow up and live right. I hope the granddaughter is learning what not to do. Sometimes, that's a great lesson.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Mar 4, 2013
L1: Find another relationship before you get even more involved with this control freak. Or do some work on yourself before you get involved and find out why you're willing to put up with this to the degree that you are.

L2: I'm with PEllen and Kuuipo. I've seen it too many times. I've also seen where the parents were awful and so were the kids.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Mar 4, 2013
LW1: "I know what we have is real..."

You have jack and sh!t, and jack is in Afghanastan.

"If your long-distance friend acts out or communicates in ways that scare (or worry) you, contact his company chaplain."

Right Amy,'cause she personally knows who this is. Dolt.

LW2: What the intern said.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Mar 4, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1:
"If your long-distance friend acts out or communicates in ways that scare (or worry) you, contact his company chaplain."
Right Amy,'cause she personally knows who this is. Dolt.
Yeah, I was actually on board with Amy until this.

Call me a cynic, but this guy could very well not even be in the military. Everything about him could be a lie.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#12 Mar 4, 2013
1. Sorry, you can't date someone you've never met. Call it what you want, but that's not dating. And yeah, this will get a whole lot better when he gets back.

2. Be straight with her. Period.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#13 Mar 4, 2013
LW1 - Everyone here has pretty much hit it on the head. I can only add that if he is this controlling before they have even met, believe me, she does not want to meet him in person! J_M_W is right about who and where he is and I will add, he's a 50 year old lech, as well.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Mar 4, 2013
eh, military jail...whats the diff?
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, I was actually on board with Amy until this.
Call me a cynic, but this guy could very well not even be in the military. Everything about him could be a lie.
Kathy

Fairmont, WV

#15 Mar 4, 2013
Stuuuupid
Julie

Chicago, IL

#16 Mar 4, 2013
LW1: Oh for F sake. Isn't it illegal for 12-year-olds to date online? Seriously, LW, Please do the human race a big favor and Do.Not.Breed. EVER. Not with your lying pyscho penpal (w/whom you do NOT have a relationship, btw). And not with anyone else who is able to pull the wool over your incredibly stupid eyes. Jebus.

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