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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Sep 24, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman who still lives at home. I have been working for the last five years and have saved enough to live comfortably on my own. Unfortunately, my parents have forbidden me to do it because they think I'm being manipulated into it by my boyfriend, that I just want to "do whatever I want" and be out until late (although I'm rarely up past 9 p.m. and they know it), and because I "can't stand them" anymore.

I have no privacy! My mail is opened "mistakenly" and my calls are listened in on even when I politely -- and sometimes angrily -- ask them not to. They have even imposed a rule that I must show them my bank balance weekly.

They have told me I will not leave the house without being married first. I would like to live on my own before I actually marry so I can experience what it's like. This is something I have always wanted to do. If I do move out, they say I'll "bring shame and embarrassment" to the family.

There seems to be a double standard going on here because my older brother has his girlfriend sleep over. How can I accommodate my parents without being disowned?-- FEELING HELPLESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: Your parents have chosen to ignore that you are an adult, self-supporting and entitled to make your own choices. They may be well-meaning, but they are extremely heavy-handed. Their hyper-vigilance -- opening your mail, eavesdropping on your phone calls and insisting on checking your bank balance weekly -- is over the top. They would like you to be "safely" married before you leave their protection.
Is their problem that they disapprove of your boyfriend? If you get a place of your own, do you plan on moving him in? If that's not the case, there is no reason why your living independently might shame or embarrass them.

Not knowing your parents, I can't judge whether their threat to disown you is serious or not. However, if it is, realize it's a form of blackmail, and you will have to decide which is more important -- your freedom or their support.

DEAR ABBY: "Lights Out in Federal Way, Wash." (Aug. 13) asked if it was a "sign" that her deceased parents were watching over her when streetlights would go out as she drove under them on her way home.

I understand your desire to give encouragement to someone who has lost her loved ones, but don't you know that many streetlights are light-activated so that after headlights hit them in just the right way they will turn off? After you pass under them, it becomes dark enough again and they will turn back on within a few minutes.

While I'm sure that given the opportunity this girl's parents would watch over her, the streetlights she described have nothing to do with the paranormal but have a scientific and logical explanation.-- SOMEONE'S WATCHING IN GUILFORD, MO.

DEAR WATCHING: While many readers shared similar experiences, the majority had a logical explanation as you did. However, I still feel that if what she's experiencing brings her comfort, the important thing is what she chooses to believe.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Sep 24, 2013
1 Wow I dunno whats worse, the fact that you're 23 and your parents treat you like dirt, or the fact that your OLDER brother still lives at home.

MOVE OUT NOW!

2 That stupid! She should not get comfort from the fact that street lights turn off when she drives by. Everybody know the real showing of Paranormal activity is when the toaster magically pops the toast up when its just right. There's something to take comfort in.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 Sep 24, 2013
LW1: F what your parents say. Go out and live your life on your terms.

LW2: I thought Abby did an excellent job encouraging her schizophrenia.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#4 Sep 24, 2013
LW1 should have moved out already and not told those parents anything about where she's going.

LW2 looks like fiction/fantasy writing.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Sep 24, 2013
LW1: You need to move out. Yesterday.

LW2: Sorry, science will not change these people's minds.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Sep 24, 2013
L1: If I was this girl I'd move out and relish in the break from family for a bit. Mom and Dad will come around eventually, most likely. As for the bro, don't compare.

L2: The belief isn't hurting anyone. It's not logical, but who cares?

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#7 Sep 24, 2013
I can't believe LW1 even HAS a boyfriend, under those circumstances.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Sep 24, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
I can't believe LW1 even HAS a boyfriend, under those circumstances.
I was thinking he must really love her to put up with that.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#9 Sep 24, 2013
LW1 actually looks like Jessie who wrote this week's "Wayne and Tamara" request for advice on
writing a "Dear Mommydearest" letter to her unkind mother.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Sep 24, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: If I was this girl I'd move out and relish in the break from family for a bit. Mom and Dad will come around eventually, most likely. As for the bro, don't compare.
L2: The belief isn't hurting anyone. It's not logical, but who cares?
lw2: no. Not hueting anyone. Believe what tou want to believe. But when you ask me about it and i think you're full of shit, am I supposed to play along? I should patronize you?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Sep 24, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>lw2: no. Not hueting anyone. Believe what tou want to believe. But when you ask me about it and i think you're full of shit, am I supposed to play along? I should patronize you?
Nope. Is that what Amy did? Heh. Probably.

If someone told me that was happening to them and they thought it was some relative/friend that died, I'd say -- I hear those lights have a sensor on them. Look for pennies, more reliable as a sign.:D

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#12 Sep 24, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Nope. Is that what Amy did? Heh. Probably.
If someone told me that was happening to them and they thought it was some relative/friend that died, I'd say -- I hear those lights have a sensor on them. Look for pennies, more reliable as a sign.:D
does a penny found by a friend and then handed it to me count? I felt some psychic stirrings then.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#13 Sep 24, 2013
LW1 - the demand that LW show hte parents her bank statement weekly is hte weirdest part of all... I wonder if there si some ethnic tradition at play here. I too am irritated taht the older brother is allowed to have sleep-overs and LW is subjected to additioanl scrutiny...
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Sep 24, 2013
LW1: I'm with squishymama. You should absolutely move out yesterday. It is emotionally healthy for you to be out on your own before you marry. You don't need to justify moving out. You are an adult, you have the cash, just do it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#15 Sep 24, 2013
L1. This is an immigrant family that places much weight on the honor of the daughter. If she rebels in the ways suggested she will probably be shunned by her family or she may be at risk for an honor retribution.

Assuming she wants to keep some relationship with her family, she needs to find a guy in the same ethnic group but who has assimilated and ha more American values.

The cost of being out on her own before she marries is a great deal higher than it would be for most of us. The fact that she is still at home under these circumstances tells me she knows this and so far is unwilling to incur that cost.

No easy out here.

L2 There are no guardian angels perched on top of street lights like pigeons or sparrows; a disrupted electrical circuit is not evidence of the afterlife. Cross my heart on that one.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#16 Sep 24, 2013
I stipulate the the end result will be the same. If she does not live on her own now, she will later. It has always been her wish, and this is the US not some back water tribal commune.
PEllen wrote:
L1.
The cost of being out on her own before she marries is a great deal higher than it would be for most of us. The fact that she is still at home under these circumstances tells me she knows this and so far is unwilling to incur that cost.
No easy out here.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Sep 24, 2013
1: Shame and honor? Geez....will she be killed "honorably" if she moves out? I'm sick of cultures seeing women as sub-humans.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Sep 24, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: Shame and honor? Geez....will she be killed "honorably" if she moves out? I'm sick of cultures seeing women as sub-humans.
Honor killings make the news about as often as teachers seducing 14 year old boys.
Its rare, its scuzzy and it happens

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Sep 25, 2013
"Scuzzy" seems awfully white washed to describe murder.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Honor killings make the news about as often as teachers seducing 14 year old boys.
Its rare, its scuzzy and it happens
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Sep 25, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Honor killings make the news about as often as teachers seducing 14 year old boys.
Its rare, its scuzzy and it happens
Pshaw, I've been seeing way too many teacher sleeping with students stories lately; much more than honor killings!

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