“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Sep 1, 2013
DEAR AMY: For a few years now, I’ve been getting bent out of shape about two close relatives who show up without warning on many a weekend and expect to just hang out at our home for hours.

These relatives live 90 minutes away. They claim they cannot call to let us know when they’re coming “because we never know when we’re coming.”
Once in a while, I manage to miss them by being away on a weekend when they drop in, but honestly, I cherish my weekend time at home to clean and cook for the coming week, catch up on bill-paying and freelance work, read novels, take baths and such.

We live out in the country and can’t even pretend we’re not home. I don’t know of any way to basically send them away when, suddenly on a Saturday or Sunday, there they are at our door, be it 10 a.m. or 2 p.m. or 6 p.m.(often with food or drink in hand) ready to socialize at our house! Other times, there might have been a family dinner planned that evening, but they come hours early and hang out with us.

When I want (or expect) to see them, I genuinely enjoy their company.

What can I say? I’ve already asked them many times to give us some notice or perhaps even a choice in the matter.-- Bent Relative

DEAR BENT: Have you gotten visibly angry or expressed your extreme frustration in the moment, or do you do what many of us do and express your hostility by being coldly tolerant at the time and furious later?

One mini-tantrum directed toward your relatives might get the message across that they should respect your right to privacy.

The next time this happens, stop them at the doorway:“I’ve asked you many times to give me the courtesy of a heads-up before you show up here. You don’t seem to care. So tell me, what would it take to get your attention? I genuinely like to see you, but not like this. This is driving me crazy.”

DEAR AMY: My nephew’s wedding left a bad taste in my mouth. My sisters and I worked intensely to help make his rehearsal dinner, wedding and day-after brunch fairy-tale events.(The bride’s mother wasn’t involved.)

My sister “Barb” supplied the wine and Champagne for the reception, and after the brunch, she told me to take home a bottle. When my nephew saw this, he blew up. He yelled that I was “stealing from the bride,” along with other rude comments.

He wouldn’t let it go, not even when my sister intervened. After more verbal abuse from him, I snapped. I told him that I had worked hard for weeks to make his event a success, and I thought he was being ungracious. His response?“There’s nothing I can do about how you feel.”

We did not speak again before he left, so the bad taste lingers. This nephew has yelled at me before, but I wrote it off to his youth. Now I think I just don’t like him as a person. Any advice, besides avoiding him for the rest of my life?-- Tired Aunt

DEAR TIRED: Your nephew is right: He cannot control how you feel. His job is to control how he behaves.

Because you two are already on the outs, you have nothing to lose by trying to clear the air. Say to him,“I really do expect to be treated the way I treat you — with respect. I may not be your favorite person, but can you manage to be civil toward me?”

His response will be revealing. It may lead you to choose avoidance.

DEAR AMY:“Hurting” suffered the loss of her only child and was shocked that her friends didn’t express their sympathy.

I’ve been there. I was shocked at the way some people basically seemed to run away after my loss. I recommend the group Compassionate Friends for its work with bereaved parents.-- Also Hurting

DEAR ALSO: Compassionate Friends has helped many grieving family members (including mine). Check compassionatefriends.org for local support.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Sep 1, 2013
L1: kryste, Amy, a tantrum? I know you are trying to be funny, but you are never, ever funny.(Please quit ruining "wait wait don't tell me" and just stop being on the show.). She has two options here.(1) talk to them one more time, firmly saying that the next time they show up unannounced, they will not be allowed in.(2) do not even answer the door when they show up. Who cars if they see her car in the driveway?

Also, I wonder if a similar surprise visit, maybe at 6 am on a Saturday, would teach the pinheads a lesson.

L2: I disagree with Amy. The spoiled brat should be completely ignored. Shun him, even if it is just a one-person shunning.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Sep 1, 2013
1 put a sign on your door saying "Dont knock unless we are expecting you".

2 Laugh it off the marriage is doomed. If he has a tantrum like that, his wife will tire of that crap quick..

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#4 Sep 1, 2013
1- Something is off here. Random relatives drive 90 minutes and show up at your house without so much as a phone call? Or permission? I don't think so. We're missing something. Are you sure your husband invites them and just doesn't tell you? Do you invite them yourself and then just forget? Make an appointment with your doctor, I think you have dementia.

2- Screw him.

3- If your friends "abandon" you after a loss, then they weren't really your friends. But the original letter was about *acquaintances* who didn't want to cancel their travel plans to attend an out of the way *memorial service.* BIG difference.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#5 Sep 1, 2013
LW1 - What Red said.
LW2 - "Because you two are already on the outs, you have nothing to lose by trying to clear the air."
No, no, no, no. Do NOT try to "clear the air" with this person. It's like trying to defend or explain yourself to somebody who already sees you as guilty. If he keeps on haranguing you, just walk out.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#6 Sep 1, 2013
1: Rude. They can't call? Yeah, right.
I'm so sick of us being afraid to look rude when calling out dooshes who have NO problem being...RUDE!
The last quote in the response seems reasonable to me.
They don't care.

2: What a jerk. You, I assume, are his elder and to be treated with respect unless there is something you've done/said you're not telling us, warranting this.
Oh, and be mad at your sister--she raised this beast.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 Sep 1, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1:
2: What a jerk. You, I assume, are his elder and to be treated with respect unless there is something you've done/said you're not telling us, warranting this.
Oh, and be mad at your sister--she raised this beast.
Maybe LW is like the relatives of LW1 and he's sick of her just showing up unannounced and is throwing a "mini tantrum" per Amy's advice...
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#8 Sep 1, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe LW is like the relatives of LW1 and he's sick of her just showing up unannounced and is throwing a "mini tantrum" per Amy's advice...
Haha, that's rich.
I always want the full story on things.

One things these letters always do is remind me of how shockingly normal I am!
Julie

Chicago, IL

#9 Sep 1, 2013
dahgts wrote:
DEAR AMY: For a few years now, I’ve been getting bent out of shape about two close relatives who show up without warning on many a weekend and expect to just hang out at our home for hours....They claim they cannot call to let us know when they’re coming “because we never know when we’re coming.”
We live out in the country and can’t even pretend we’re not home.
WTF does living in the country have to do with anything? DON"T ANSWER THE GD DOOR, YOU MORON.
Do this 2 or 3 times and believe me, they'll call before the next time they show up.
You've been putting up w/this for years? Seriously, you are one of the biggest idiots who has written to Lamy. And that's saying a HELLUVA lot.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Sep 2, 2013
Lw1: "They claim they cannot call to let us know when they’re coming “because we never know when we’re coming.” "

Bullshit. They may not "know" when they leave the house, but they don't just by chance end up at your house out in the country. They just don't care to announce themselves. They wnt the freedom to come and go as they please. This behavior will continue until you stop placating them and letting them disrupt your plans.

LW2: "Because you two are already on the outs, you have nothing to lose by trying to clear the air."
F that. You have nothing to gain. Write his ass off. If he wants to mend fences, let him come to you.

LW3:Christ, not this again.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Sep 3, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Something is off here. Random relatives drive 90 minutes and show up at your house without so much as a phone call? Or permission? I don't think so. We're missing something. Are you sure your husband invites them and just doesn't tell you? Do you invite them yourself and then just forget? Make an appointment with your doctor, I think you have dementia.
2- Screw him.
3- If your friends "abandon" you after a loss, then they weren't really your friends. But the original letter was about *acquaintances* who didn't want to cancel their travel plans to attend an out of the way *memorial service.* BIG difference.
Edog, I had inlaws who did this constantly. They felt that if they had to call first or have any sort of an arrangement at all, that they weren't being treated as "family". At least that was what I was told after the ex (wasn't an ex then) would not ask them to simply call first so I did. I even said it very nicely. "We love having you (okay I was lying but I said it) but we would hate for you to drive 2 hours only to find out we're not home or have an event to go to." And they drove 2 hours! Glad I'm out of THAT family. Oh, and one SIL would INVITE herself to whatever we had planned to do if she showed up.

So, just sayin'. There might be nothing missing in that letter.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Sep 3, 2013
Julie wrote:
<quoted text>
WTF does living in the country have to do with anything? DON"T ANSWER THE GD DOOR, YOU MORON.
Do this 2 or 3 times and believe me, they'll call before the next time they show up.
You've been putting up w/this for years? Seriously, you are one of the biggest idiots who has written to Lamy. And that's saying a HELLUVA lot.
I shudder to think that they might have a key to the place.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Sep 3, 2013
L2: Since he's family I'd give him one more shot. I'd say what Amy said. While he has no control over how you feel, he should have control over his actions. Give him a "save-face" so he feel slike he can apologize -- "I know that weddings are stressful and some people are on edge on their wedding day". Say something nice about his wife. Don't ever condone that behavior that he displayed, however.

If it was not family, I'd say screw him and have nothing to do with him. Family gets a mulligan.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#14 Sep 3, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I shudder to think that they might have a key to the place.
I didn't even think of that, but yes, the LW sounds completely stoopid enuff to have given them a key...and completely stoopid enuff not to change the locks.
Whatever the details, this whining dumbass gets absolutely no sympathy from me.

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