Abby 9/15

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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Sep 15, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with three children ages 24, 22 and 16. I live on my own with my girls. I have been dating a man, "Reed," for three years. We are very much in love and have been working to blend our families.(He has two children.)

We have decided to move in together at the end of October. My lease will be up then, and Reed has sold his condo. We will be moving into the house he shared with the ex-wife while they were married. I'm comfortable with the move, and our kids are very excited about it.

Everything is fine except for one thing: His ex-wife has not yet found a new home to move into. With little time to go, he's now suggesting that we move in and live with his ex-wife until she finds a new place. Reed believes this will be very short-term -- a month or so.

The house is big enough for all of us, so that's not an issue. His ex-wife and I are friendly, so that's not an issue either. But I'm not comfortable with this plan.

Am I being irrational? Should I just act like a grown-up and make the move, or should I refuse?-- SECOND THOUGHTS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You are neither immature nor irrational. You are thinking ahead -- and that is what grown-ups do. What if Reed's ex can't find a place that suits her in a month or so? What if it takes six months or even a year? While you may like the woman, do you really want to share your dwelling with the "Ghost of Marriage Past"?

If I were you, I'd talk to my landlord and ask if you can work out a month-to-month extension of your lease. If that's agreeable, Reed can move in with you for the "short term." I'm sure you'd both be happier.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her mid-50s. She's a wonderful woman, but she makes us late for everything. My husband and children, my siblings and I often attend family functions and other events as a group. When we go to pick up Mom, she announces she has "just a few" chores she wants to do first, and they take forever.

We are not "a few" minutes late; we're significantly late, and sometimes miss events altogether. These have included weddings and funerals, and we have wasted hundreds of dollars on tickets to missed events. She'll often make a show of apologizing, but her behavior never changes.

We have stopped inviting Mom to some events, but she makes us feel guilty if we don't take her to a family event. We have tried helping her do her chores the day before and lied about starting times. Nothing works, and Mom finds more to do.

We have asked her friends about this behavior. They say she never pulls these stunts when they pick her up for things. When we talk to Mom about it, she insists she needs to get things done ahead of time. Her house isn't messy, nor is it known for being overly tidy.

She's in good mental and physical health. We're fresh out of ideas on how to deal with this. Help!-- LATE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE

DEAR LATE: It's interesting that your mother doesn't behave this way with her friends. That tells me her behavior is controlling -- although it's hard to understand what perverse pleasure she gets out of it.

I would handle it this way: Tell Mama you will pick her up at a certain time and that you will wait no longer than five minutes for her. If she's not out by then, you will leave. And then do it.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#2
Sep 15, 2013
 

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1: Bahahahah! Boy, Reed has a pair and you need one. You ARE immature, because you are actually considering this!! Moron.

2: Look in the mirror: there you'll find whom to blame.
I can't believe your hubby has allowed this, his family to MISS events (you say things paid for??) over his MIL.
Uncceptable. Why must you take mom?
Guilt = someone else emotionally manipulating you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#3
Sep 15, 2013
 

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1- A bit awkward. I'll agree that you shouldn't move in until the ex is out.

2- Yeah, sounds like the problem is you. But anyway, if she isn't ready when you show up, leave without her.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#4
Sep 15, 2013
 

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LW1 - Who owns the house? What were the financial/ownership arrangements made in the divorce? If Reed got the house in the divorce, then why is his wife still living there? I am assuming that the LW dating Reed for 3 years means that he has been divorced for at least close to that time. Why didn't she find a new place to live in all this time?

If the wife got the house in the divorce, are the LW and Reed going to be renting the house from her? Will they be signing a lease?

Also, LW has to adult children. Are they moving in with her and Reed? Or is the assumption that they will be moving on their own since they are adults?

How big is the house, btw, if it's big enough for 3 middle-aged or older adults, 2 young adults, and 3 teenagers (assuming Reed's two kids are teenagers)? That has to to be one heck of a mansion for all of them to be comfortable.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#5
Sep 15, 2013
 
LW1 is giving Massachusetts a bad name. She seems incredibly unrealistic.(Even that sixteen-year-old "child" isold enough to be employed.)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Sep 15, 2013
 

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boundary painter wrote:
Even that sixteen-year-old "child" isold enough to be employed.)
what does this have to do with the letter
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#7
Sep 15, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>what does this have to do with the letter
Silly Tonka, there are so many ways LW1 is unrealistic in presenting her situation.(Those "children" probably could take care of themselves without her.)

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#8
Sep 15, 2013
 

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boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Silly Tonka, there are so many ways LW1 is unrealistic in presenting her situation.(Those "children" probably could take care of themselves without her.)
So the 16 yo should go out on her own? The point is the Lw is expected to live with the ex wife with no definite exit for her. And no, she shouldn't move in until ex is gone. Find a month to month rental.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#9
Sep 15, 2013
 

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boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Silly Tonka, there are so many ways LW1 is unrealistic in presenting her situation.(Those "children" probably could take care of themselves without her.)
??? I did not interpret that the kids are an issue at all. Kids or no kids, she does not want to move in with the ex wife.

That being said, that is a ridiculous statement to say the 16 year old could take care of herself without mom. I don't think ot would even be legal.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#10
Sep 15, 2013
 

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Cass wrote:
LW1 - If Reed got the house in the divorce, then why is his wife still living there? I am assuming that the LW dating Reed for 3 years means that he has been divorced for at least close to that time. Why didn't she find a new place to live in all this time?
Riiiight?!? The whole situation is so icky on many levels, and I fear the LW is pushing red flags out of her face to see this awesome man she's dating.
Community Disorganizer

Newtown, CT

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#11
Sep 16, 2013
 

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LW 1: "Reed" is looking forward to some great 3 way sex.

LW 2: If your Mother can't be on time leave the old bag behind, she can find her way.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Sep 16, 2013
 

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L1: I wouldn't trust the ex to move out. She might have huge emotional ties to the house so nothing has been deemed appropriate. I agree with the others that a month-to-month lease is the way to go.

L2: I can't believe the LW didn't think of giving a time limit to her mother, sticking with it and then leaving. The LW is enabling the mother to hold her hostage. Cut those strings and be a big girl and make your own decisions and let your mother make hers. She misses it, so what. She tries to make you feel guilty -- don't take it on since it's on her and she's the reason she missed it.

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