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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Dec 3, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: I'm married to the girl of my dreams. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We both work in the medical field. She's an emergency room nurse, and I'm a paramedic/firefighter.

For several years my wife worked the day shift at a hospital more than an hour away from home. I tried to convince her to find a job closer, so we could see each other more. Finally, she told me she had been offered a night shift position at the hospital here in town. She promised to switch to a day shift if one opened up. I thought that was great.

It has been almost a year now, and she is still working the night shift. There have been many daytime openings, but she hasn't requested any of them. On most of my days off, I watch her sleep.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I am not happy and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I have the girl of my dreams, but most of the time she is dreaming -- literally. Can you please help?-- AWAKE AND ALONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR AWAKE AND ALONE: You are missing out, on the fun and companionship that you should be enjoying with your wife. It's time to have a frank conversation with her and find out why she has been stalling about changing shifts. There could be more wrong in your marriage than incompatible schedules, but the problems won't be resolved unless you can be honest with each other. The current situation is unfair to you, and you are right to be concerned.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have hosted a holiday party for our neighbors every year for the last 10 years. Over time, we have invited more and more people, and we enjoy almost everyone. However, one of our neighbors, "Jim," is very rude. For the past several years he has taken it upon himself to invite several people to our party who he feels should be on the list. These are people we purposely did not invite.

Last year we decided not to invite Jim, but after he sent multiple emails demanding to know the date and time, we reluctantly invited him. He then had the nerve to send out an email to dozens of people he thought we had missed on the guest list, notifying them of the party. This really embarrassed my husband and me.

How can I tell him it's not his party, and how do we deal with the situation with the folks we did not initially invite but now know about the party?-- IT'S OUR PARTY

DEAR PARTY: There is more than one way to handle this. The most obvious would be to inform Jim that he won't be invited this year and tell him why. He is every host's nightmare, and his behavior is beyond nervy. A host must know how many guests to prepare for in order to ensure there will be enough food and beverages for everyone.

Another way would be to forgo giving the party for a year or two and perhaps take a short vacation. Tell anyone who asks why that the gatherings became too large to manage. And then, when you resume entertaining, limit the guest list to something more intimate than a casting call for "American Idol."

One thing is certain: If you continue to tolerate what's been happening, your hospitality will continue to be abused.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Dec 3, 2012
 
1- Maybe she's not quite as happy in the marriage as you might think?

2- Find your dam spine.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Dec 3, 2012
 

Judged:

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1 It could be that she simply enjoys the environment of the night shift, or it could be that really sexy doctor...

2 tell Jim the wrong date and time, then when he shows up with his troops, you can embarass the hell out of him.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Dec 3, 2012
 
L1: Something is up. Have an honest but non-threatening conversation with her and get to the bottom of this.

L2: Since it's a neighbor, I don't think a huge confrontation is the way to go. I like the idea of skipping the party altogether for a few years, but if you really like having the party and Jim is the only problem, you have to be honest with him and tell him that your guest list isn't his guest list.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#5
Dec 3, 2012
 
L1: My perfect mate would be someone who works nights and I work days with both having weekends off. I like my "alone" time. So maybe she's someone like that. Or maybe there is some hot doctor. As Abby said, honest discussion will be the key.

L2: I would take a version of Abby's response. I'd tell the neighbor that I'm paring down the party list for various personal reasons (well, it's true!) and make it clear he's one of the ones that it cut. Then I would say to him that you hope to have time in the warmer weather to get together for a bbq or something. Anything really vague. Then have your party. NEVER tell him the date and time. If it wasn't a next door neighbor I'd tell him to go eff himself.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#6
Dec 3, 2012
 
L1. Yeah, that night shift is very tough but some people like the excitement and uncertainty, combined with added responsibility.
Day shift brings a whole raft of other issues which can be bothersome to the free spirit.
That's when administraion is there making themselves known.
I've never been able to work third shift, but do I have an affinity for the second, 3-11:30pm.
You get the best of both worlds, I think.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#7
Dec 3, 2012
 

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LW2 - This guy knows no boundaries. You can't be vague or unclear with him. To hell with emails. Tell him in person, "You are not invited to the party and neither is anyone else that isn't on my list." If he tries to argue, tell him, "This is not a discussion. You are not invited and neither is anyone else that isn't on my list". Repeat as necessary.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#8
Dec 3, 2012
 
1 She's avoiding you and your whining. Man up and get to the bottom of the mystery instead of writing to Dear Abby.

2 Find some cojones and have the 'cease and desist' conversation you should have held the very first time your party was hijacked.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#9
Dec 3, 2012
 
LW1: Aw, quite yer whining! I've know married couples who've had that schedule for YEARS, and managed to raise a few children too.

LW2: I like RACE's idea but I'd probably whimp out and go with Abby's advice.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#10
Dec 3, 2012
 

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1: Maybe you're too clingy and needy and it's the only way she gets some peace from your constant need for attention? Just a thought...

2: Wow. I don't really know how someone can be that nervy, but yeah, cancel the party all together, or have it at a restaurant or another venue.

Make it a surprise party in the respect that everyone who is invited knows the date and time but not the place.

Tell them all an hour before (hopefully no one blabs to him)...kinda like when celebrities have those "surprise" weddings in order to try and avoid the press.

OR you could just tell him to FOAD> <shrug>

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

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#11
Dec 3, 2012
 
LW1: It could be so many things. Ask her what is up and why she won't change her schedule. Tell her if you wanted a marriage like this, you would have married someone with that African Sleeping Sickness disease.

LW2: Just tell Jim you are scaling it back this year and not inviting as many folks. If he pushes back, tell him point blank, he's one that you are not inviting.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#12
Dec 3, 2012
 

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1. Sounds like someone's balls haven't dropped yet. If you're that needy, you're that needy, that's not going to change. First ask her why whe hasn't looked at the open day positions. Then just tell her you didn't sign up for a wife who isn't on the same page re: the time you want to spend together. Right or wrong, you are going to come off as clingy, but if that's what you are, that's what you are.

2. Good Lord. How do you tell him? YOU FRIGGING TELL HIM. Explain it is your party, it's your invite list, and if he can't respect that he will not be welcome. Period. Is it really that hard?

Since: Nov 10

Southbury, CT

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#13
Dec 3, 2012
 
LW1- Are you sure she hasn't tried to change her schedule? Maybe she's being denied a better shift because she's only worked there for a year.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#14
Dec 3, 2012
 
LW1 - How do you know that there have been multiple day-shift openings that she hasn't taken?

LW2 - You are a medical miracle. I wonder if there is a medical term for people born completely without the vertebral column.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#15
Dec 3, 2012
 
loose cannon wrote:
L1. Yeah, that night shift is very tough but some people like the excitement and uncertainty, combined with added responsibility.
Day shift brings a whole raft of other issues which can be bothersome to the free spirit.
That's when administraion is there making themselves known.
I've never been able to work third shift, but do I have an affinity for the second, 3-11:30pm.
You get the best of both worlds, I think.
my niece is a critical care nurse, and apparently has quite the gift for it (so changing to a different department/unit might not work so well for her)... she works 3am - 3pm... i think that's about one of hte worst shifts out there... she's been at that hospital for several years now, having worked her way through nursing school in various positions there (i forget which ones by now, but CNA, etc), so she's got senority for "tenure" there, even thgouh she hasn't been an RN for the whole time of her employment there.

if one is a night person, i agre taht 2nd shift can be good, but sometimes i had a hard time winding down after night classes that got out at 9, so don't count on me doing anything much before 10 if i were on that shift! ;-)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#16
Dec 3, 2012
 
Renee J wrote:
LW1- Are you sure she hasn't tried to change her schedule? Maybe she's being denied a better shift because she's only worked there for a year.
And many places offer a pay differential for working the off shifts. Maybe she prefers the extra money. Or maybe as Race said, she LIKES working the night shift.

I can understand why this guy has an issue. The only thing I didn't like about working nights is I couldn't share the bed with my girlfriend. So I can see how this could put a strain on some couples but Squishy's right, couples do it all the time and manage.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#17
Dec 3, 2012
 
loose cannon wrote:
L1. Yeah, that night shift is very tough but some people like the excitement and uncertainty, combined with added responsibility.
Day shift brings a whole raft of other issues which can be bothersome to the free spirit.
That's when administraion is there making themselves known.
I've never been able to work third shift, but do I have an affinity for the second, 3-11:30pm.
You get the best of both worlds, I think.
I worked second shift once. I liked it. I was able to take care of appts. during the day and it suited my body clock. I am not a morning person.

I've never worked in a hospital, but I was also thinking that the issue might be the administration presence on the day shift. Perhaps she feels more autonomous on the night shift. In any case, he just needs to tell her that this isn't working and ask her to put in for a day shift position ASAP.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#18
Dec 3, 2012
 
I *loved* working 2nd shift (3:30 to midnight here; 3-11 or 4-12 at some of my previous jobs.) Definitely a nightowl! Married to a morning lark. And lo and behold, we managed to spend time together and do "married stuff" -- after all, we have kids! And we saved a lot on daycare when working opposites back in the day.

Dude needs to *talk to* her. Or, offer to switch to nights himself; see how she reacts?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#19
Dec 3, 2012
 
VAdame wrote:
Or, offer to switch to nights himself; see how she reacts?
I considered that option but fireman/paramedics tend to work 24 hour shifts.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#20
Dec 3, 2012
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I considered that option but fireman/paramedics tend to work 24 hour shifts.
My friend's husband is a firefighter. He works 10 days on and 10 days off. I have no idea how standard that is...

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