“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Aug 3, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Pete," and I are at a point in our lives where we're ready to start a family. We have already started trying. We both have college degrees, jobs and own our home. I have talked with my OB and have started making myself "baby-ready."

Friends and most of our family are happy we're trying to start a family. The problem is my parents seem less than enthused.

One night last week, my mother, dad, Pete and I were enjoying some local entertainment and drinks together. Mom got a tad sloshed and told me she wishes my older brother and his wife had a child first, "no offense to me." They have been trying for years and have gone to fertility clinics, but due to the cost, decided to stop trying until my sister-in-law earns her degree. I have talked to her about our plans, and she was happy for us.

Abby, I can't stop thinking about what my mom said. I fear bringing it up with her because she may not remember she said anything. Is it wrong for me to hold onto this? Pete and I are financially and emotionally ready for a happy addition to our family. I know he'll be a great dad. I wish my mother would realize this, too.-- "NO OFFENSE" IN OHIO

DEAR "NO OFFENSE": You are an adult and a married woman. You should not need anyone's "enthusiasm" beyond yours and your husband's to bring a child into this world.

You stated that your mother was "sloshed" when she made the remark. Alcohol-addled individuals often make inappropriate comments. Who knows what she meant when she said it? It may be she was thinking about the pain your brother and sister-in-law are experiencing because of their infertility issue.

Because her comment was hurtful, I think you should let her know so she can clarify -- if she even remembers saying it. And if she doesn't, suggest she cut back on her drinking because memory lapses can be a symptom of a drinking problem.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Merle's" daughter got engaged, and Merle threw an engagement party for her and the husband-to-be. The couple announced where they were registered in the Facebook invitation (which I thought was truly insensitive).

People arrived for the engagement party with gifts. I did not take one. I figured I'd wait until the wedding, which is a year away. I also thought, "What if they change their minds and don't get married?"

Was I wrong not to take a gift? I guess I just don't understand the current etiquette.-- STUMPED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR STUMPED: You accepted the invitation, didn't you? Because you did, you should have given the couple a gift. You did not have to take one to the party, but you should send something within a short time.(Suggestion: A nice picture frame to hold their engagement photo.)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Aug 3, 2014
1. In vino veritas.

But aside from that, what the hell is making yourself "baby ready" mean and why do you talk to a doctor in advance unless you have some chronic disease which you didn't mention?

OTOH hand genetic testing is a good idea to find out if your mothers diarrhea of the mouth or your congenital wussiness will be passed down to the kid.

2.It was a gift grab. Some engagement parties aren't but once they posted a registry they acknowledged this one was. Unless the MOB said something don't sweat it. You will be invited to the shower and the wedding so you have plenty of time to spend money.

FWIW, here is a different perspective, one that Boundary Painter will appreciate.

I had all that hullabaloo in 1969-70. I was in college and my fiance had just moved out of his parents house into his first apartment was working and in school. We actually needed stuff to start a household.

Some of the gifts I still use, some are long gone but there are a good number in the basement in their original boxes. Anyone interested in a Danish Modern 2 dish stainless steel vegetable serving dish in a walnut cradle? How about an avocado green fondue set?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#3 Aug 3, 2014
1: I have heard/read that it's a good idea to get a medical checkup before trying to get pregnant but I never did. In any case, I don't think the lw is "baby ready" if she's out drinking and hanging out with a bunch of drunks. I hope her mom was the only actual drunk and that the lw was not drinking alcohol. One would think her doctor would tell her to not drink alcohol until after the hoped for baby is born and then only in moderation if at all. In any case, I also hope she doesn't let her mom babysit. The woman doesn't fit my idea of an ideal child care provider. I do think it's entirely possible that the mom was thinking about her son and d-i-l and how they might feel about the lw getting pregnant when they've been having such difficulty. The lw really should view the comment in that light rather than allow herself to think her mom won't welcome a grandchild. In any case, Abby is right that the only opinions that matter about whether they have a child are those of the prospective parents. If the lw needs mommy's approval, she's not ready to have a baby.

2: I've never been to an engagement party. In our family, we do wedding showers close to the date of the wedding but not engagement parties. So as far as gifts go, I don't know. Seems to me that the party is supposed to just celebrate the fact that the two sweethearts have declared their intentions and are sharing their happiness with a party. Why the gifts so distant from the actual marriage? Are the couple supposed to give the gifts back if they break up? If so, should they store the gifts so they'll be in pristine condition to return? I don't know, I don't think I'd give a gift at this early point. I would give a nice gift at the time they actually marry though whether I was invited to the wedding or not. So, perhaps I'd send my regrets to an engagement party if a gift is actually required.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#4 Aug 3, 2014
LW1: Abby should have stopped after her first paragraph, which was dead on. Don't say anything to your mother. Her remark was insensitive, but people sometimes say whatever stupid thing they are thinking without filtering, whether intoxicated or not. Let it go. And good luck.

LW2: I've never been to an engagement party, either. But if I wasn't sure if gifts were "expected" at a party, I would bring a bottle of wine or a card with a $25 gift card enclosed.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#5 Aug 3, 2014
1- keep your family out of your sex life

2- bring a card and some booze, you cheap bass terd
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#6 Aug 3, 2014
Glance into the future for LW1:
(a) She will eat a high protein, low fat vitamin rich diet and have a
healthy child.
(b) She will decide to turn to Pete's parents for baby sitting and guidance as their child grows up.
(c) She will politely decline her mother's offers of advice as the child
enters school and grows up.
or
(d) other
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#7 Aug 3, 2014
My daughter is facing fertility problems and her husband is faced with a procedure that he is not enthusiastic about. His mom does not like that he may be uncomfortable and said maybe being childless is meant to be. He is a great sil law otherwise but I feel for my daughter having to deal with the mil from hell..

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Aug 4, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: I have heard/read that it's a good idea to get a medical checkup before trying to get pregnant but I never did. In any case, I don't think the lw is "baby ready" if she's out drinking and hanging out with a bunch of drunks. I hope her mom was the only actual drunk and that the lw was not drinking alcohol. One would think her doctor would tell her to not drink alcohol until after the hoped for baby is born and then only in moderation if at all. In any case, I also hope she doesn't let her mom babysit. The woman doesn't fit my idea of an ideal child care provider. I do think it's entirely possible that the mom was thinking about her son and d-i-l and how they might feel about the lw getting pregnant when they've been having such difficulty. The lw really should view the comment in that light rather than allow herself to think her mom won't welcome a grandchild. In any case, Abby is right that the only opinions that matter about whether they have a child are those of the prospective parents. If the lw needs mommy's approval, she's not ready to have a baby.
2: I've never been to an engagement party. In our family, we do wedding showers close to the date of the wedding but not engagement parties. So as far as gifts go, I don't know. Seems to me that the party is supposed to just celebrate the fact that the two sweethearts have declared their intentions and are sharing their happiness with a party. Why the gifts so distant from the actual marriage? Are the couple supposed to give the gifts back if they break up? If so, should they store the gifts so they'll be in pristine condition to return? I don't know, I don't think I'd give a gift at this early point. I would give a nice gift at the time they actually marry though whether I was invited to the wedding or not. So, perhaps I'd send my regrets to an engagement party if a gift is actually required.
Lw1: Really? So having drinks with your husband and parents = hanging out with a bunch of drunks? And why do you hope she was not drinking? She's not pregnant. She's not going to harm her un-CONCEIVED child by having some drinks. And holy crap. Mom gets a little tipsy and she is unfit to ever babysit? Really? So anyone who drinks is to stupid to know that it's not appropriate to have a few too many when babysitting? You're as bad as Amy.

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