“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 19, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been with my boyfriend for nine months, living together for five. I give him money on a weekly basis to cover my half of the rent and utilities. A few weeks ago, he confessed that he had spent all of our combined money. This almost got us evicted and got our cable and Internet shut off.

While I am very upset with him for spending my money, I understand he has a problem with spending and gambling (a lot of the money was spent on scratch-offs to better our situation).

For the next month or two, he will be using all of his money to pay back rent and will be unable to contribute to things like gas, groceries, etc.

I want to help him financially, but I also want to draw a line where I am not getting myself into debt.

Also, I want to explain to him that I refuse to be on a lease with him after his lease expires in July unless he gets help for his spending and gambling.

How can I bring that up without it sounding like a threat?-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Scratch-offs will not "better your situation." Lottery tickets and other games of chance will make your situation much, much worse. You already have evidence of this.

You are sweet to worry about expressing yourself in a threatening manner, but what you actually need to do is make a threat, and then make good on the threat.

In this context, a threat is a promise followed by a consequence. What your guy has done is basically steal your money, and you should expend more energy protecting yourself and less worrying about his feelings. He needs mentoring to handle his personal finances. Debtorsanonymousdotorg offers information, advice and group meetings.

You should not be financially entangled with this person in any way (that includes paying his living expenses after he messes up). By all means, hang in there to see if he can change his behavior radically, but do not co-sign anything, including a lease, until he has proven over the course of at least a year that he can manage his money responsibly.

DEAR AMY: My wonderful wife became a mother for the first time almost five years ago. We now have two wonderful children, and life is good. My goal has always been to spend Mother's Day with my wife in whatever way she would like.

My only issue is that this special day usually doesn't include my mother, who lives nearby.

I don't blame my wife for not wanting to include my mom, because my mom usually insists on changing the date, time and location to best suit her needs, and then the event becomes all about her.

Was I a bad son for not wanting to include my mom on Mother's Day, in order to keep my mother from ruining my wife's special day? What's your objective perspective?-- Bad Son

DEAR SON: Mother's Day is tough. Sometimes it really is a case of "so many mothers, so little time." But my perspective is that if your mother can ruin an entire national holiday, you and your wife are giving her way too much power.

You should help your kids focus on your wife on Mother's Day. By all means you should also find a way to celebrate your own mom, either with flowers and cards and a visit from your family, or by inviting her for an outing on that day. If your mother routinely tries to torpedo plans, you should tell her, "We're so sorry you can't make it, Mom. It would have been great to see you. Let me know if your plans change."

DEAR AMY: I totally disagree with your answer to "Tug of War," the couple that wanted to have a tiny (expensive) destination wedding while their family wanted to have a big celebration at a local venue so they could all attend.

The couple should do exactly as they please. If they compromise now, it will never stop.-- Disagree

DEAR DISAGREE: I could see this from the family's point of view, but I agree that the couple must have the last word about their wedding.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 May 19, 2014
2- yes, you are a horrible person

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 May 19, 2014
1 Take over the finances, and hive him pay you weekly. If he cant, then can his azz, you will forever be enabling him.

2 You know your mother is a drama queen, and want permission to put on your big boy pants....Permission Granted.

3 You did not agree with that logic at the time lamy. 20/20 hindsight.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 May 19, 2014
LW1 - Get out now. You moved in together too quickly anyway.

LW2 - You sound like a wuss. Send your mother a card and some nice flowers. Then spend Mother's Day with your wife and kids.

LW3 - I hate weddings. They bring the worst out in people.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 May 19, 2014
L1: You need to rethink everything about this relationship.

L2: What Amy says.

L3: Whatever makes your boat float.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 May 19, 2014
L1. Addictions demand to be fed. You can take over teh joint finaces and he will find a way to get money. Check your credit report and put a freeze on any never accounts or he will open a card in your name and drain it.

Right now you are verging on enabling him. The only thing that would make me change my mind would be his voluntary public enrollment in Gamblers Anonymous.

L2 What's teh biblical text about leaving your parenmts house and cleaving to your wife?

Mom is on a passive aggressive power trip against your wife with you in eh middle, or she is oblivious.. Amy's suggestion is good.

L3 I guess it hinges on your concept of a wedding. Whether is a day to be all about Me/Us or it is an event to celebrate the forging of a life long partnership.

I wonder if there are any statistics about the comparative divorce rates of couple whose weddings were All About Us/Me?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 May 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Take over the finances, and hive him pay you weekly. If he cant, then can his azz, you will forever be enabling him.
2 You know your mother is a drama queen, and want permission to put on your big boy pants....Permission Granted.
3 You did not agree with that logic at the time lamy. 20/20 hindsight.
Team RACE!

I had a friend who married a guy that was horrible with money and she had to take over all duties related to money. That would drive me nuts; I got enough to do without having to take care of your sh!t too.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#8 May 19, 2014
Love Cass' answer to LW2. Glance into his future:

In the next two years, his mother:
(a) will put a guilt trip on him and his wife every time they call her--and
they'll sigh, accept that they cannot make her happy and let her be
(b) will provoke them to see if his father can do something with her to appease her
(c) ask them to send her something practical, but neutral that she might like
(d) talk to them and see if she can mend the bridge she weakened with them
or
(e) other

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 May 19, 2014
I am terrible with managing my money, and it's kinda freudian that I wound up living with women who were into finances. I have zero qualms about handing over my checkbook to them. We all have our skills, and balancing a check book, ain't mine.
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Team RACE!
I had a friend who married a guy that was horrible with money and she had to take over all duties related to money. That would drive me nuts; I got enough to do without having to take care of your sh!t too.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#10 May 19, 2014
Also don't get why LW1 stayed in the same place with this guy after they were evicted.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 May 19, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
Also don't get why LW1 stayed in the same place with this guy after they were evicted.
The LW said "almost". Guess they weren't quite evicted.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#12 May 19, 2014
Team Race and Team Cass.

LW1: IMHO, the person who is best skilled with finances gets to manage the joint finances. In the case of LW, gambling problems can be devastating to a relationship. My friend's sister married a compulsive gambler and it was disastrous. IMHO, LW should move out after the lease is up and not co-mingle finances with boyfriend again unless and until he demonstrates that he has his problem under control.
blunt advice

Plainfield, NJ

#13 May 19, 2014
1. You have bad taste in men. But you have a heart at least. So.....teach him where the rice, beans, peanut butter and crackers are in the supermarket. Also how to apply foil to rabbit ears antenna to get a good signal, and how to use the computer in the library. Showing him where he can sleep at night for free might not be a bad idea either. After you have instructed him, dump this idiots arse.

2. Let your siblings deal with drama mama.

3. Elope.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 May 19, 2014
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Team RACE!
I had a friend who married a guy that was horrible with money and she had to take over all duties related to money. That would drive me nuts; I got enough to do without having to take care of your sh!t too.
But if you're married, that's not 'his sh!t". Its both of theirs. You're married. Who handles the finances? I handle the finances in my house and I don't look at it as I'm taking care of her sh!t.

I can understand feeling that way when dating and your finances are separate, but after getting married? I suppose there ARE many who still maintain separate finances after marriage, but with us, our accounts are all joint, so its our sh!t.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 May 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>But if you're married, that's not 'his sh!t". Its both of theirs. You're married. Who handles the finances? I handle the finances in my house and I don't look at it as I'm taking care of her sh!t.
I can understand feeling that way when dating and your finances are separate, but after getting married? I suppose there ARE many who still maintain separate finances after marriage, but with us, our accounts are all joint, so its our sh!t.
Technically you are correct, but in *my* marriage, my husband is responsible for his credit cards and the phone. I pay the utilities and my credit cards. We split the rent 50/50. I am responsible for 90% of the kid stuff (school, school forms, haircuts, extracurricular activies) and if I had to add taking care of his sh!t too, I would most likely have a nervous breakdown.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#16 May 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
I am terrible with managing my money, and it's kinda freudian that I wound up living with women who were into finances. I have zero qualms about handing over my checkbook to them. We all have our skills, and balancing a check book, ain't mine.
<quoted text>
I agree. Not everyone is able to deal with finances and it's ok for one spouse to handle them while the other does other things for the family - like earn much of those "finances" for the spouse to handle. My husband and I used to joke that he had to slide his paycheck under the door before he could come inside on his payday. That wasn't true but it was fun to say it to people to see their reactions. We would often say, "Our marriage is 50-50. He earns it and I spend it." The truth is that he absolutely hates to shop for anything. I once had to make 3 trips to the nearest shoe store 50 miles away to buy him a pair of shoes and then return/exchange them twice because they didn't fit properly. Right now we have to purchase a pick up truck for his work and he does nothing but find fault with everything he sees. He wants high gas mileage for example. I told him by the time they produce a truck that gives the kind of mileage he wants, he'll be too old to drive it. ;-) Anyway, we manage. He earns most of the money and I do the financial side - checkbook, bank statements, retirement funds, taxes.... I'm just happy I don't have to do his job. Mine is easier. ;-)

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