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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 18, 2013
DEAR AMY: My husband travels by car all week long for his job. He feels the need to be in constant contact with me via his smartphone.

He calls and emails constantly while on the road.

Even though I work part time, he feels I should be in constant communication with him.

I admit it was fun while we were dating, but I no longer have that much to say during the umpteenth phone conversation that day. Plus I'm too busy to constantly answer his texts, emails and phone calls.

He feels it's my responsibility to talk to him while he's away from home. I have very little downtime, and while I want to talk to him two or three times a day, 10 texts and 10 calls is too much for me.

How can I get him to understand that it is not that I don't love him or want to talk with him, but I just don't have that much to say!

I would like to have an hour or so each day by myself to read or catch up with others instead of talking to him.-- Too Connected

DEAR CONNECTED: Your husband may be using his contact with you as a way to pass the time between sales calls (or appointments) when he's tooling through lonely towns in his car.(At least, that's how I picture him, passing through lonely towns in his car with only the occasional conversation with a friendly truck-stop server to break up the monotony.)

My first suggestion is that you two negotiate a settlement to (at least) cut in half the number of phone calls during the day. It is not your responsibility to take all of his calls, regardless of whatever else you have on your plate.

Your husband needs to realize that the less time you spend responding to his calls, the more time you will have to build up some good old-fashioned longing for him.

Before his next trip, spirit a little surprise into his car. Stick a note to the steering wheel that reads, "I can't wait to talk to you tonight, Honey." This might inspire him to hold off on calling until day's end.

My second suggestion involves downloading the audio version of a few good books onto your husband's phone. This might inspire him to take in a little literature or learning while he's tooling around. This could transform his business week.

DEAR AMY: My spouse and I were at a recent holiday celebration, also attended by one of my spouse's co-workers. As I was chatting with a small group of fellow revelers, including the co-worker (but not my spouse), the co-worker confided that he might soon leave his job.

He then asked if I would please not say anything about that to my spouse, and I agreed. He is in a senior management position (a rung or two up from my spouse). However, this seems like useful information for my spouse to know. Whose back should I have in this situation?-- Back-to-Back Baffled

DEAR BAFFLED: You should have your spouse's back. And that is why you should never have agreed after the fact to keep something from said spouse.

Let's assume that all of you had been "reveling" at this holiday party. I'm wondering if your judgment was impaired when you made this agreement. If you were impaired at the time, then this gives you some wiggle room.

The most ethical thing is for you to contact this co-worker and tell him you should not have agreed to keep this private. If this is unrealistic, then skip this step and tell your spouse about the conversation. You both should realize that this revel-fueled information may not be correct.

DEAR AMY: "Grieving Widow" was confronted at her husband's funeral by a man who accused her husband of long-ago sexual abuse.

I can imagine her pain, but as a survivor of abuse I assume the victim in this case has suffered far longer.-- Survivor

DEAR SURVIVOR: The widow was stunned by this accusation. Causing an innocent person's suffering does nothing to ease a victim's suffering. This is an unhealthy equation.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jan 18, 2013
L3 There are some people who revel in being victims and won't even let death deprive them of that pleasure.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jan 18, 2013
L1: Your husband needs to listen to books on CD and leave you alone.

L2: I'd tell my spouse, mainly because this coworker should have known better than to say something to a colleague's wife. How stupid!

L3: I don't care, that "survivor" was out of line and there were other ways to handle the situation.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Jan 18, 2013
L1. Talk about being smothered. That's happened to me before too.
Those incessant phone calls take a lot of the mystique out of an otherwise perfectly good romance.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Jan 18, 2013
LW1: "How can I get him to understand that it is not that I don't love him or want to talk with him, but I just don't have that much to say!"
Use your words.

LW2: What Amy said. Except the part about trying to tell the co-worker you're spilling the beans. Just tell your husband.

Lw3: what Amy said. Lw's stupid rationalizaion is no differnt than saying well, I was abused by your husband, so I'm going to rape your neice. What I give her will be nothing compared to what I endured.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jan 18, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: What Amy said. Except the part about trying to tell the co-worker you're spilling the beans. Just tell your husband.
ITA. How woudl that work, anyway? Call him up on the phone?

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#7 Jan 18, 2013
LW1 - This guy sounds like a smothering controller. But he also needs to hang up and drive.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Jan 18, 2013
1- Have you tried, I dunno, telling him?

2- I'm gonna say stay out of it. Yeah, it was dumb of him to say something to you then ask to keep it a secret, but I don't see any harm his desire to leave is gonna cause. I say MYOB and just let it go.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Jan 18, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - This guy sounds like a smothering controller.
There you go with the man-hating again.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Jan 18, 2013
1 How about agreeing to actually communicate this to your husband instead of going to Ask Amy?

2 Doofus! Never have someone elses' back over your spouse!

3 There's a time and place for everything.....

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Jan 18, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Your husband needs to listen to books on CD and leave you alone.
L2: I'd tell my spouse, mainly because this coworker should have known better than to say something to a colleague's wife. How stupid!
L3: I don't care, that "survivor" was out of line and there were other ways to handle the situation.
I agree on all three.

I kinda feel for the husband in L1, though, assuming he's bored on the road and misses his wife. She could have worse problems - he could be cheating on her and impossible to reach. Anyway, it sounds like they need to have a nice calm chat about this and hopefully reach a compromise. Also, it's not safe for him to email while driving. Duh.
liner

Delray Beach, FL

#12 Jan 18, 2013
L1: Let's see now, how about something REALLY out there.....turn off your phone?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Jan 18, 2013
liner wrote:
L1: Let's see now, how about something REALLY out there.....turn off your phone?
Or don't answer it, but I hate the passive approach. Communicate.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Jan 18, 2013
L1: Mrs. Tonka? ;)

L2: Yes, you should have never have said you wouldn't. A quick -- "Do you think I'd do that?" during the convo at the holiday party. Tell your husband. He'll be majorly ticked if you don't and we'll read the letter here. Maybe. And I wouldn't blame him.

L3: Yes. Time and place for everything and a funeral, wake or memorial services usually isn't it for this type of revelation.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#15 Jan 18, 2013
LW1- if you work part-time, how do you have very little down time? If you are not taking care of kids in your non-working hours, then maybe you should find something else to do with your time so that your husband doesn't think that you are just sitting around waiting to entertain him.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#16 Jan 18, 2013
1. Ummmm, you tell him? And you tell him that he can call and text as much as he likes, but, while you are flattered by the attention, you'll only be able to answer once in awhile. I can't believe you didn't get a hint of his neediness before you got married. Surely it came through in other ways.

2. You should have your spouse's back. You owe the co-worker nothing. He was a moron for saying anything to you.

3. The alleged victim. Sorry if it was true, but he had no business unloading on the widow.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#17 Jan 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
There you go with the man-hating again.
And there you go making dipshit, baseless statements again.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Jan 18, 2013
LW2- do you usually gossip with your husband about his coworkers? If so, tell him what you heard. If not, then forget what you heard from a drunk person who does not understand boundaries. He is obviously not going to be in that position long anyway with his lack of professionalism and your husband needs to focus on doing his job to the best of his abilities, not playing politics.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Jan 18, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
LW2- do you usually gossip with your husband about his coworkers? If so, tell him what you heard. If not, then forget what you heard from a drunk person who does not understand boundaries. He is obviously not going to be in that position long anyway with his lack of professionalism and your husband needs to focus on doing his job to the best of his abilities, not playing politics.
You're coming from a great place, Jess. Unfortunately, the reality in the working world is office politics and I'm sure you've seen it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Jan 18, 2013
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
And there you go making dipshit, baseless statements again.
Please explain?

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