Amy 7-11

[RedheadwGlasses]

Dear Amy: I have been dating my girlfriend for six years, and for the most part, our relationship is great. We have the same sense of humor, values and ideas about raising children. We have fun together but can also talk seriously. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. The one problem I have is her drinking. She's not a raging alcoholic, but every night she has two to four glasses of wine. When we go out, she will drink a whole bottle herself, and when she drinks, she either talks nonstop or gets kind of mean.

I don't really drink, so I'm aware of her mood swings, and our biggest fights have stemmed from her drinking. What should I do about this situation?

— Worried

Dear Worried: Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting ( al-anon.alateen.org ). Al-Anon is a fellowship of people whose lives have been affected by a loved one's drinking. What you will learn there is a form of surrender that is both humbling and empowering: You have no control over your girlfriend's drinking. If you have asked her to seek help for her drinking and she has refused, then the choice you have to wrestle with is your own. Are you willing (and able) to be with someone who — for now, anyway — puts the bottle first?

Are you able to accept and stay with someone who treats you badly when she's drinking (and it sounds as if she is usually drinking)? You should make an honest and no-holds barred inventory of the effect your partner's drinking is having on your life. Your girlfriend can be the most wonderful, smart, funny and ethical person in the world — and she is also a loud and mean drunk. Life with both of these people is the reality you need to contemplate.

Dear Amy: I am 52 and in my second marriage. We met in church and thought we were evenly yoked. This is her first marriage (she is 43). I have two children 10 and 15, who are well-mannered and a joy to be around. Even though I saw signs that she was not into my children, I thought this would change.

It's been two years now, and she doesn't talk to them (they're with us every other week). She makes no attempt to have a relationship. She never even mentions their names. It's as if they don't even exist! I feel that if you marry someone with children, you marry the package. I haven't asked her to help raise the children; their mother does a good job at that, and we are a united front there.

She purchased a new vehicle and doesn't allow me to drive it. We put down equal money on a house, but it is in her name alone. We took a premarital course, and all the cards were laid on the table. If I had known she was like this, I would never have married her. I have already told her I plan to leave if this behavior does not change and already have begun to look for a place to stay. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She won't go to counseling.

— Sad Dad

Dear Sad: Your marriage is no yoke. You are not wrong for needing your wife to share your life. Of course this includes acknowledging and forming a relationship with your children. This is what it means to be in a family. You should seek counseling on your own — and call a lawyer. If you are ever tempted to partner up again, don't count on someone to change her attitude about something as basic as your children.

Dear Amy: This is in response to "Disgruntled Grandpa." Grandpa wanted to dump his grandson because the young man was ungrateful and disrespectful. The following is a quote from a poem that I've used to guide me for more than 55 years.

"He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!"

By Edwin Markham (1852-1940)

— Contented Grandma

Dear Grandma: Looks as if this issue is a perennial one. Thank you for the wisdom.

[j_m_w]

L1: So on a daily basis she's either annoying or mean, but for some reason you still want to be with her?

L2: "Even though I saw signs that she was not into my children, I thought this would change." You're dumb and should not have married her.

L3: I don't get it.

[RedheadwGlasses]

L1: "She’s not a raging alcoholic," Yes, yes she is.

L2: "Evenly yoked"? I googled the word "yoked" and still your comment makes zero sense. "Even though I saw signs that she was not into my children, I thought this would change." And there's the proof. You're a moron. You married a woman who isn't into your kids. AND YOU KNEW IT. Jeezus kryste. Just divorce her and focus on your kids. You don't deserve to choose a romantic partner at the expense of your kids.

(I've since found out that "evenly yoked" means "both are Christian. Good thing he got that one thing right but hosed everything else, eh?)

[Community Disorganizer]

More useless advice from Amy:

LW 1: She should dump you.

LW 2: Dump the B

LW 3: why even bother printing this crap!

[Stina]

Lw1: I can't belioeve it took 6 years to ask this. Run. Run fast. This is the voice of experience.

LW2: You're stupid, but the damage is done. NEVER assume a person will change and NEVER put a relationship ahead of your kids. Can't figure out why you would put money down on a house and not get your name on it. Go see a lawyer. Now.

[Sublime1]

LW1: Give her the boot!

Don't know why you need to go to al-anon to appreciate that you have no control over another grown adults decisions, but I guess it helps some folks. I'd say if you are to the point where you have to go to something like that, that you'd be foolish to take the relationship further and should get out.

LW2: Give her the boot!

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: "every night she has two to four glasses of wine. When we go out, she will drink a whole bottle herself, and when she drinks, she either talks nonstop or gets kind of mean."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"She's not a raging alcoholic"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

From what you wine drinkers have told me, 4 glasses is about all you get from a bottle. So she's drinking a bottle a night.

LW2: You saw all the signs and stepped on the gas anyway. Get your parachute ready. The cliff's just up ahead.

[edogxxx]

1- Pull the stick out and have a drink with her. A couple glasses of wine everyday is actually good for you. I don't drink wine but I'm hoping beer has a similar effect.

2- "I thought she would change." Well, there's your problem. You both put money down on the house but you let her put it in her name only? You just laid down and let her walk all over you, didn't you?

[Saluki Rod]

Today's theme: Run!

L1: Kid, get your head outta your arse, she's a lush!

L2: Let me guess, she rocks your world in the sack, and that led to you screaming, "Oh gawd! Marry me!" Relax Pookie, now that her true behavior is crystal-clear to you, divorce her and move on with your kids without her....

[Mimi Seattle]

2: "I have two children 10 and 15, who are well-mannered and a joy to be around."

For YOU, not for everyone else. I agree that she married someone with kids and should have taken that into consideration, however I SO resent parents who think that THEIR kids are a "joy" and that everyone else should embrace them as such. BS!

You put money down on a house and it's in her name only? What are you, stupid? You deserve whatever you (don't) get for being an idiot. Now, get a divorce and start paying her alimony!

[Mimi Seattle]

1: She's an alcoholic.

3: Thank you, drive through.

[squishymama]

LW1: I'd think twice, probably three times, about procreating with this woman.

LW2: I think I'd be a b!tch too if my husband described our relationship as "evenly yoked." I am not an ox.

LW3: I hate poetry.

[Toj]

L1: How old are you? You sound like a little kid not knowing what to do even though it's slapping you in the face every day.

L2: It's obvious that you have made a lovely doormat for her house.

L3: It's a little deep for an Amy column, but yes -- you don't abandon family (always exceptions to a rule such as in abusive circumstances). You keep including them and sometimes they come around, sometimes they don't.

[RACE]

1 Maybe you nagging her when she is drinking is what makes her mean to you

2 Your an idiot. That nice christian woman is taking you to the cleaners.

3 whatever.

[loose cannon]

L1. The medical community considers anyone who consumes more than 1-2 alcoholic beverages per day a heavy drinker.
CDC

[PEllen]

Sublime1 wrote:

LW1: Give her the boot!
Don't know why you need to go to al-anon to appreciate that you have no control over another grown adults decisions, but I guess it helps some folks. I'd say if you are to the point where you have to go to something like that, that you'd be foolish to take the relationship further and should get out.
LW2: Give her the boot!

Over the years I have mentioned a good friend and business partner who is an alcoholic, functioning most, but not all the time. His wife enables him; she drives all the time, she picks up the booze as long as she is going to teh store anyway, calls in sick for him, etc.

When you really like someone there are impulses which say If I try harder maybe I can get him off the booze ( sort of like praying away the gay and about as successful), or if he knew that people cared enough , he would change fo our sakes.

Those are hard mindsets to get over and it takes emotional and mental wrestling to come to terms with teh fact that you can't change someone else, only they can do it if they want to all teh while watching someone you care about in a downward spiral.

So coming to terms with powerlessness in teh face of ongoing tragedy is something that alike minded group can help with. Not veryone can do it on their own.

And yes, I went to Al-anon a bunch of times because of him.

[Sublime1]

PEllen wrote:

<quoted text>
Over the years I have mentioned a good friend and business partner who is an alcoholic, functioning most, but not all the time. His wife enables him; she drives all the time, she picks up the booze as long as she is going to teh store anyway, calls in sick for him, etc.
When you really like someone there are impulses which say If I try harder maybe I can get him off the booze ( sort of like praying away the gay and about as successful), or if he knew that people cared enough , he would change fo our sakes.
Those are hard mindsets to get over and it takes emotional and mental wrestling to come to terms with teh fact that you can't change someone else, only they can do it if they want to all teh while watching someone you care about in a downward spiral.
So coming to terms with powerlessness in teh face of ongoing tragedy is something that alike minded group can help with. Not veryone can do it on their own.
And yes, I went to Al-anon a bunch of times because of him.

It’s not about really liking or not. That you have no control over another adult’s decision making is something that I readily understand. I don’t understand why folks don’t inherently realize this, but I have seen that play out with others, in particular my bro and the mother of his kids. It was quite a frustrating process for all of us trying to get him to realize that he can’t change her. He finally did realize it.

I also think, cycle, touched upon this very well a few weeks ago, with the letter about the guy who smoked pot. I don’t think a lot of these things are about the other person and whether or not they show they care. I also don’t understand why folks make it about them.

[Sam I Am]

1. I understand you don't want to accept that someone you've invested 6 years in is an alky, but (DAH dah DAHHHH!!!!) she is. Either keep being a pussy and letting her treat you badly and embarrass both of you, or stand up for yourself and tell her that either you'll help her while she gets help or she can call you when she finally decides it is time. If you suck it up and deal, don't waste any more advice column space, you are taking away from people with valuable questions about re-gifting and thank you notes.

2. Holy moly, is today Pussy Day? Yeah, you're evenly yoked, and the gf of LW1 isn't an alky. How many times do you need to get kicked in the nuggets before you start to get it?

3. There once was a columnist named Amy,
Who would spew out gibberish daily,
Her advice was worth spit,
Absent of wit,
And yet she goes on and on lamely.

[itser]

"We took a premarital course, and all the cards were laid on the table. If I had known she was like this, I would never have married her."
So...exactly what cards were on the table? Apparently, only yours.

She should not have married someone with children if she was not willing to embrace them. However, a PARENT should not marry someone who has not already embraced his/her children. She was wrong, but so were you. Lay your cards on the table again. Family counseling or you are leaving, and have a definite plan, which you need to act on if she won't work with you.

[liner]

L1&L2: It's either phony-letter day, or, can people REALLY be this stupid?