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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 24, 2012
DEAR AMY: I am getting married next month, but my future mother-in-law hates me. This is not a traditional "mother-in-law hatred;" it's the kind of hatred that is a deal-breaker. She doesn't invite me to family events, and I have never been in her house.

Should I go through with the wedding? I love my fiance, but I don't know if it is worth dealing with a life of neglect. What happens if we have children? Will she hate them too?-- Mommy-in-law Issues

DEAR ISSUES: You don't have many decisions to make, actually, because this woman will hate and neglect you regardless of what you do. Your fiance has the most at stake. He has important and life-changing choices to make.

When people get married, they leave their parents' orbit and cleave to their spouse. That's the way it is. If you are lucky enough to have parents with an ample and generous embrace, marriage makes the family grow. If not, the circle tightens. But the marriage needs to be at the center. If grandchildren come into the family, it will be mighty hard for this grandmother to get to know them if she won't spend time with their mother.

Because this woman has completely rejected you, her son will have to reject her to be married to you. Unless you are both prepared to put your marriage at the center of your lives, you should not tie the knot. Put your plans on hold as you pursue pre-marriage counseling.

DEAR AMY: Whether I watched Disney's "Pocahontas" too much or because I am a firm believer in "green living" or because I have polytheistic faith, I am a consummate recycler and respecter of the planet. My parents, on the other hand, are not.

Their recycling efforts are minimal: newspapers, magazines, glass bottles. Any other paper gets trashed. Plastics are sometimes recycled but usually not. My parents hate clutter, and to them the recycling and trash in our four-car garage take up too much space, so they simply throw away their paper. I've seen my dad do it, and when I call him on it, he says, "No, no, honey, that is the recycling," or, "Don't worry, they will sort it out."

I have proposed having a dual system of placing a trash can next to a recycling can, or keeping the recycling in my part of the basement so that it doesn't clutter the garage, but that is "too complicated." I have offered to drive our recyclables to the recycling center, but, again, that is "too complicated" (also, I would have to deal with the carbon footprint of the drive).

Listing statistics and reminding them to recycle doesn't help; if anything, I come across as being preachy. How can I encourage my parents to recycle more and respect the planet? To me, their behavior is selfish and willfully ignorant.-- Resolute Recycler

DEAR RESOLUTE: You do sound preachy. I can only assume that your "selfish and ignorant" parents have gotten what they have coming, a "green" preacher patrolling their four-car garage. You should offer to take over this process completely and deal with all the trash, garbage, storage, etc., yourself.

If you offer, and your parents refuse, you can point your energy toward the bigger picture outside your parents' household, organizing recycling efforts in your community.

You should also contemplate the day when you will be on your own. The beauty of running your own household is that you can do it exactly as you please. That's what your folks are doing.

DEAR AMY: "An American in Switzerland" has in-laws who never close the bathroom door when they're using it. To insinuate that this is some sort of Swiss custom is ridiculous. I'm Swiss and I assure you, this is gross, no matter where you're from.-- Swiss in America

DEAR SWISS: This writer wasn't saying that this was a Swiss custom. But her in-laws' choice to tease her for her "American prudishness" made their open-door policy her problem.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Oct 24, 2012
LW2: "I come across as being preachy." Really? I find that hard to believe.

You can't change their behavior. God knows you've tried. Accept it and move on.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 Oct 24, 2012
LW1: It all depends how your fiance handles it. Does he stand up for you? Does he tell his mother that her behavior will not be tolerated? Or does he cow tail to her?

I think it would be very hard to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't support and stand up for you in that situation.

LW2: You can't control people.

LW3: LOL. Sure it's not.:p

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Oct 24, 2012
L1: Nevermind your future MIL. Why would you date a man who allows his WIFE to be treated that way? He's not a man. He's a mouse.

L2: ARGH! The recycling and consumerism police. You vegan haters? Well, I feel the way about LW2 that you people feel about vegans.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Oct 24, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: It all depends how your fiance handles it. Does he stand up for you? Does he tell his mother that her behavior will not be tolerated? Or does he cow tail to her?
I think it would be very hard to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't support and stand up for you in that situation.
LW2: You can't control people.
LW3: LOL. Sure it's not.:p
cow tail?

I think you mean kowtow.:)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Oct 24, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Nevermind your future MIL. Why would you date a man who allows his WIFE to be treated that way? He's not a man. He's a mouse.
The only examples she gave are "She doesn't invite me to family events, and I have never been in her house."

Lw does not make any mention of how her bf deals with this, but regardless, what power does he have to force mom to welcome LW into her home.

Further, we really don't even know why mom hates her. We see letters all the time where a parent acts like htey are a saint being mistreated when in fact there are hints in the letter that they brought some of that into themselves. So what makes this woman hate LW so much? People don't just hate people for no reason. Does LW have a role in this she's not mentioning?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Oct 24, 2012
If she'd worked through those things, Tonka, she wouldn't need to write the letter, I think. Sounds to me like she's avoided this problem until one month before marrying this guy.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Oct 24, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
cow tail?
I think you mean kowtow.:)
I actually meant cows tail, which is a person who stands behind another, but kowtow will work too.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Oct 24, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I actually meant cows tail, which is a person who stands behind another, but kowtow will work too.
Actually cows tail means to be "behind" others as in slow, not stand behind others. My bad.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Oct 24, 2012
L1: Either get your future spouse to man up or call it off. Life is too short to have to deal with these kind of a-holes.

L2: Your parents are actually selfish and willfully ignorant, but sadly too many Americans have their heads totally up their wazoos when it comes to wastefulness. Fight the good fight kid. It's the only planet we have.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#11 Oct 24, 2012
L1: It won't get easier, I can tell you that. But I agree with the other regs...I can't imagine this is one-sided. And where does she live? In-town PITA MIL is way different than lives-six-states-away PITA MIL. Missing vital info.

L2: Four car garage? I bet the carbon footprint from a house that size would negate any good the recycling would do anyway.

Mostly kidding. We recycle. I suggest the LW move out, then she can control her own household.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Oct 24, 2012
1 Try to see things from her point of view, maybe your just not good enough for her son?

2 I think maybe you should off your parents and grind them up for fertilizer. They are clearly a drain on this planets resources.

3 Actually, I think it's a cult. I believe they are called "The Swiss Who Crap In Public". Dont know if they are terrorists or not though.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Oct 24, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
We recycle.
As do we. But I found this interesting.

"Their recycling efforts are minimal: newspapers, magazines, glass bottles"

Who does more than that? What more is she expecting? We have 2 recycling bins that the county waste management picks up once a week. Over and above using those and putting them out, I have no idea what she people should be doing if that is just "minimal".

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Oct 24, 2012
RACE wrote:
3 Actually, I think it's a cult. I believe they are called "The Swiss Who Crap In Public". Dont know if they are terrorists or not though.
They would certainly terrify me.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#15 Oct 24, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>As do we. But I found this interesting.
"Their recycling efforts are minimal: newspapers, magazines, glass bottles"
Who does more than that? What more is she expecting? We have 2 recycling bins that the county waste management picks up once a week. Over and above using those and putting them out, I have no idea what she people should be doing if that is just "minimal".
I missed that they actually do recycle.

Our recycling gets picked up every other week, but we can throw everything in one bin. Paper, plastic, glass, aluminum, some styrofoams, cardboard. I usually take cardboard to the recycling dumpsters though, so I don't have to cut it up.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Oct 24, 2012
L1: This is pretty much covered. Her future MIL should not treat her like that but what is her responsibility in how this relationship currently stands? Is her fiance backing her up or not? Questions, questions, questions...

L2: Amy has a good idea about recycling centers and whatnot. Use that energy in a bigger arena. It's your parent's house, they can do what they please. Go make change where you can. Your parent's house isn't the place for it, obviously. I have a picture in my head after the first two sentences of the LW in some kind of cape and leotard.

L3: Yes, strange people come in all ethnicities.(sp?)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Oct 24, 2012
Our grade school had a big environmental/ recycling study unit in about 2nd grade. Nothing like a 7 year old recycling Nazi in the house.

But we do sort and recycle so perhaps something worked

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Oct 24, 2012
Once you could dump everything in one bin, I started recycling more. They also had more education on it. Plus I worked in an area that had to do with the environment. I think all those things coming together made me recycle even more.

Now I live in an area where recycling is free but you pay for each trash can you have. That gets you in the habit of recycling!

Too bad we have to pay for yard waste. You'd think that would be free.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Oct 24, 2012
PEllen wrote:
Nothing like a 7 year old recycling Nazi in the house.
Heh, heh
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#20 Oct 24, 2012
1. DO NOT GET MARRIED. Good grief, you have to be told this? The MIL is not going to change, and apparently your fiance is a spineless wimp who will not stand up for you and straighten his mother out. Let him find someone else to be resented for the rest of her life for taking mommy's little boy away from her.

2. You can't make them do anything, and you are a PITA for trying. Take care of yourself. For better or worse, people are entitled to make "bad" choices, especially in their own home.

3. Yes, please close the door and this rehash.

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