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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 7, 2014
DEAR AMY: My boss wants to take my small team (less than 10 people) out to a movie after work as a sort of employee appreciation/team-building event.

I accepted the invitation about three weeks ago. I just found out that the movie we are attending is raunchy. I don't have much of an issue with sexual humor in my personal life, but it's not something I feel comfortable experiencing with co-workers.

My boss has already purchased tickets, so I would feel guilty to decline at this point. I am a new employee, and everyone else has said that they are excited to see this particular movie, so I don't want to stand out as a weird new person. However, the idea of seeing this film with my co-workers makes me extremely uncomfortable. What can I do?-- Uncomfortable

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Taking a group of employees to a movie as a team-building event is a terrible idea. Movie-watching is a passive activity where there is no interaction among participants. Teams are built through idea sharing, recreation and cooperation. This evening sounds more like a bad first date.

Because of the professional ramifications and awkwardness here (another reason why this event is a bad idea), you should respond to it the way you might when you find yourself trapped on a bad date: Take a seat near the aisle. Once the thing gets under way, you can duck out (if you want to). Then you can have a nice leisurely telephone call with your mom or check your email from the theater lobby.

When the movie ends, you can participate in whatever other (hopefully not horrific) activity the boss has planned, and if people ask you where you were or why you didn't stay in the film, be honest and say, "I was feeling a little squeamish and so I ducked out, but tell me -- was it good? Did you guys like it?"

See what I did there? It's called misdirection, and it's a nonjudgmental way to be engaged and disengaged at the same time -- a skill you may rely on repeatedly through your professional life.

DEAR AMY: I am 62 years old and have been married for more than 30 years to a woman whom I am financially dependent on.

Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but overall it has remained steadily positive, and the love between us seems fairly strong, at least on the surface.

Recently, my wife met a man at church (I don't go) whom she looks forward to seeing. The man is also married. We've gone out with him and his wife a few times, and every time we do I get the unsettling feeling that the man is remarkably compatible with my wife, and that he would like to be more than friends with her.

I'm not sure if my wife suspects this, or if she would be interested in taking their relationship further, but I can't stop thinking where this may lead. And I'm not sure if I should talk to my wife about their relationship or let it go.-- Jealous, Understanding Husband

DEAR HUSBAND: The fact that you are financially dependent on your wife seems to have affected your mojo. You need to snatch it back. If you can manage to go to church, it might be a good idea to share this activity with your wife. If you don't want to do this, then at least stop being so passive about it. You should good-naturedly acknowledge their compatibility and let her know that you're jealous -- but in a good way.

If this relationship seems to deepen, you're going to have to be more proactive. Your marriage should be at the center of your wife's emotional life.

DEAR AMY: "Young Gran" wondered how to respond when people ask about her age.

Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, had the perfect answer to this intrusive question. When a television interviewer asked, "How old are you?" Mary Kay looked her right in the eye and answered, "How much do you weigh?" -- Bettie from Bristol, Tenn.

DEAR BETTIE: Bam!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 7, 2014
1- get over it and go to the dam movie

2- talk to your wife. She'll either assuage your fears or confirm them

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 7, 2014
1,2,&3 Girl stuff, Don't care.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#4 Jan 7, 2014
LW1: Holy cow. Geez, it's a movie. Suck it up. Or bring a flask...

LW 2 was just strange.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Jan 7, 2014
LW1: The whole thing seems kind of odd. A movie where you sit in silence doesnÂ’t seem like a very good team building exercise. Having said that, what are you 8?

LW2: Let letter reeks of insecurity and pussayness.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Jan 7, 2014
1: If the movie is on the raunchy style, folks, could this be in some way of sexual harassment? I realize the lw did not say exactly what she/he means by "raunchy" but my comment is based on the premise that the movie contains sexually explicit scenes or sexually explicit language of the kind we would not expect in a formal workplace. I know it isn't as though the lw is being directly sexually harassed, but she's (I'm assuming it's a woman but could just as easily be a man and it's the same thing) being put in an uncomfortable position. Would it be ok if one of her co-workers or boss made sexually explicit remarks to her at work? Would that not be considered sexual harassment? Personally, I see a similarity here. She's being forced to some extent to watch a movie that sounds like it will be sexually explicit with her boss and co-workers. And yes, I feel that coercion is in play here because her boss "suggested" it as a way for team bonding. In her place, I might feel compelled to go along with this in order to not be on the outside of the group and possibly be seen as a less valuable employee. I don't have the answer here. Perhaps she should ask whether the boss is aware of the kind of content there is in this movie. Maybe the boss doesn't know although that seems unlikely.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Jan 7, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: If the movie is on the raunchy style, folks, could this be in some way of sexual harassment? I realize the lw did not say exactly what she/he means by "raunchy" but my comment is based on the premise that the movie contains sexually explicit scenes or sexually explicit language of the kind we would not expect in a formal workplace. I know it isn't as though the lw is being directly sexually harassed, but she's (I'm assuming it's a woman but could just as easily be a man and it's the same thing) being put in an uncomfortable position. Would it be ok if one of her co-workers or boss made sexually explicit remarks to her at work? Would that not be considered sexual harassment? Personally, I see a similarity here. She's being forced to some extent to watch a movie that sounds like it will be sexually explicit with her boss and co-workers. And yes, I feel that coercion is in play here because her boss "suggested" it as a way for team bonding. In her place, I might feel compelled to go along with this in order to not be on the outside of the group and possibly be seen as a less valuable employee. I don't have the answer here. Perhaps she should ask whether the boss is aware of the kind of content there is in this movie. Maybe the boss doesn't know although that seems unlikely.
Probably, technically, yeah. Which is kind of shame because watching a movie or hearing bad language and such is SO different than real sexual harrassment. It's this hyper-sensitivity that makes the victims of serious harrassment afraid to say anything. If I interviewed someone that was so sensitive to language and such in a movie that they brought up harrassment, I would never hire them. That's just a ticking time bomb.

That's not to say that I don't think the movie as a team building exercise is completely stupid and it is so NOT the right choice for a work event. What's wrong with bowling or a baseball game?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#8 Jan 7, 2014
2: I suspect from your first sentence that you married your wife for her money and now you're afraid the money is going to disappear when she decides to take her friendship with this guy further. I have no sympathy for you. Start being a husband who values his wife for her sake and not for her money. Maybe you'll get her attention back on you. And yes, I'd say the same thing to a woman writing the same letter. I mean - his very first sentence indicates it's all about her money. Yeck!

3: Ok folks, I'm 64 and don't care who knows it. Just don't ask me my weight and I will tell you no lies. THAT (my weight) is no one's business but mine and my health care providers'. And I would not pussyfoot around and try to avoid telling someone it's none of his/her business. I'd simply say so. ;-)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Jan 7, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: If the movie is on the raunchy style, folks, could this be in some way of sexual harassment? I realize the lw did not say exactly what she/he means by "raunchy" but my comment is based on the premise that the movie contains sexually explicit scenes or sexually explicit language of the kind we would not expect in a formal workplace. I know it isn't as though the lw is being directly sexually harassed, but she's (I'm assuming it's a woman but could just as easily be a man and it's the same thing) being put in an uncomfortable position. Would it be ok if one of her co-workers or boss made sexually explicit remarks to her at work? Would that not be considered sexual harassment? Personally, I see a similarity here. She's being forced to some extent to watch a movie that sounds like it will be sexually explicit with her boss and co-workers. And yes, I feel that coercion is in play here because her boss "suggested" it as a way for team bonding. In her place, I might feel compelled to go along with this in order to not be on the outside of the group and possibly be seen as a less valuable employee. I don't have the answer here. Perhaps she should ask whether the boss is aware of the kind of content there is in this movie. Maybe the boss doesn't know although that seems unlikely.
No, I don't see it that way.. She has the opportunity to step out and as Amy says, deflect.

I don't find the heavy action films with people gettiing blown up appealing and have walked away from a couple. Just say, Not my style guys, wanna see a chick flick? and watch their reaction.

As for raunchy, well clearly that is in the eye of the beholder, but to keep in in perspective, Disney's current megahit, Frozen ( currently 2nd only to Lion King in gross revenue) is PG.

I have seen that movie. Labeling it PG completely undermines the rating system, so LW may be unnecessarily worried.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Jan 7, 2014
I dont think its harassment, she is free to opt out of the movie. Besides unless the movie is rated X, I dont see where a grownass woman should not be able to watch the movie without feeling sexually exploited or violated. I think you could make a better case for forcing her to watch The God Father or Blow because of the drug use and violence. Me personally, I hate Horrors, creepy little dolls with knives....
Pippa wrote:
1: If the movie is on the raunchy style, folks, could this be in some way of sexual harassment? I realize the lw did not say exactly what she/he means by "raunchy" but my comment is based on the premise that the movie contains sexually explicit scenes or sexually explicit language of the kind we would not expect in a formal workplace. I know it isn't as though the lw is being directly sexually harassed, but she's (I'm assuming it's a woman but could just as easily be a man and it's the same thing) being put in an uncomfortable position. Would it be ok if one of her co-workers or boss made sexually explicit remarks to her at work? Would that not be considered sexual harassment? Personally, I see a similarity here. She's being forced to some extent to watch a movie that sounds like it will be sexually explicit with her boss and co-workers. And yes, I feel that coercion is in play here because her boss "suggested" it as a way for team bonding. In her place, I might feel compelled to go along with this in order to not be on the outside of the group and possibly be seen as a less valuable employee. I don't have the answer here. Perhaps she should ask whether the boss is aware of the kind of content there is in this movie. Maybe the boss doesn't know although that seems unlikely.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Jan 7, 2014
I don't see it as harassment. Maybe she thinks "Frozen" is raunchy? If it was an xrated movie, there might be a case, but not for something mainstream
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#12 Jan 7, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>

As for raunchy, well clearly that is in the eye of the beholder, but to keep in in perspective, Disney's current megahit, Frozen ( currently 2nd only to Lion King in gross revenue) is PG.
I have seen that movie. Labeling it PG completely undermines the rating system, so LW may be unnecessarily worried.
True. For an otherwise clean movie they will throw in one cuss word or bathroom type joke so it gets the pg rating so people go to see it.(G movies are assumed to be kids movies).
No advice or comments. You all covered it. Hope all of you in midwest staying warn.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Jan 7, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Probably, technically, yeah. Which is kind of shame because watching a movie or hearing bad language and such is SO different than real sexual harrassment. It's this hyper-sensitivity that makes the victims of serious harrassment afraid to say anything. If I interviewed someone that was so sensitive to language and such in a movie that they brought up harrassment, I would never hire them. That's just a ticking time bomb.
That's not to say that I don't think the movie as a team building exercise is completely stupid and it is so NOT the right choice for a work event. What's wrong with bowling or a baseball game?
i agree. Someone so sensitive would be the ticking time bomb. Raunchy? Sounds like the Hangover. You can't watch a movie with others? Really. You think everyone will be staring at you for your reactions instead of watching the movie.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#14 Jan 7, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
True. For an otherwise clean movie they will throw in one cuss word or bathroom type joke so it gets the pg rating so people go to see it.(G movies are assumed to be kids movies).
No advice or comments. You all covered it. Hope all of you in midwest staying warn.
Ican't quite figure out why Frozen was PG, though!

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Jan 7, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> i agree. Someone so sensitive would be the ticking time bomb. Raunchy? Sounds like the Hangover. You can't watch a movie with others? Really. You think everyone will be staring at you for your reactions instead of watching the movie.
Exactly!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Jan 7, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
True. For an otherwise clean movie they will throw in one cuss word or bathroom type joke so it gets the pg rating so people go to see it.(G movies are assumed to be kids movies).
No advice or comments. You all covered it. Hope all of you in midwest staying warn.
It's coming your way.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#17 Jan 7, 2014
LW1: LW doesn't have a problem with raunchy films. LW has a problem watching raunchy films with the new boss and new co-workers. I say, LW should go. The movie is probably not as raunchy as she expects. It will be dark in the theatre, so LW can blush and go undetected. And yes, this is the lamest team-building exercise that I've ever heard of because movie-watching is passive.

LW2: Biggie deal, your wife has a compatible friend of the opposite sex with some common interests. That doesn't mean they're going to become romantically involved. You're feeling a little threatened. This is your stuff. It wouldn't hurt for you to step up your game, you've been married a long time and the two of you might be in a rut. Suggest a romantic getaway.

LW3: Good one!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Jan 7, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
Suggest a romantic getaway.
Bonus ... he doesn't even have to pay for it!!!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Jan 7, 2014
I kind of get the impression that she controls the purse strings and gives him an allowance, but only if he is a good boy. He sounds completely emasculated.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#20 Jan 7, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
True. For an otherwise clean movie they will throw in one cuss word or bathroom type joke so it gets the pg rating so people go to see it.(G movies are assumed to be kids movies).
No advice or comments. You all covered it. Hope all of you in midwest staying warn.
Have not seen it. They must have said dam or showed cartoon anatomy for a split second ;)

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