Amy 5-3-13

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Since: Jan 10

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#1
May 3, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I have a 6-year-old son. His father has always acted effeminate but miraculously was never told this until I told him when we married. As a child, my husband was always picked last for sports, was not considered a “jock” and felt like an outcast.

My son is turning out to be almost a carbon copy of his father and is effeminate as well. Many people have noted it in both the father and son. I want to spare him the pain of not knowing why he is picked on by other children and having difficulty dating girls. My son isn’t gay, but even if he was, I would accept him. That would be a blessing if he was, because then he would fit in better. As it is now, he won’t fit into either world.

Do I just let him go through life thinking he is unacceptable to most of society, but not knowing why? Do I tell him when he becomes a teenager?-- North Carolina Mom

DEAR MOM: I have an alternative idea. How about you let your son go through life believing that he is perfectly perfect just the way he is.

There is no question that some children face more social challenges than others, but no one fits in everywhere, and your son is so fortunate — because he is just like his dad! This should be seen as a good thing.

I sense from your anxiety over this that you have a problem with your son’s (and by extension your husband’s) affect. You really need to tackle your own feelings and anxiety, and make a choice to wrestle them to the ground so you can be your son’s best advocate.

If he doesn’t enjoy sports, find other activities (like music, theater, art and academic clubs) that he can enjoy with other boys and girls who will appreciate and include him. Fortunately, he will have many more options than his father had as a youngster.

As he gets older, be very open to discussing his sexuality and social challenges, and focus on his special strengths -- and the strengths of your household.

Your husband is the mystery factor in this family equation. He holds the key to accepting, understanding and celebrating this boy. He can offer his own perspective and answer his son’s questions. He needs to step up.

DEAR AMY: With the graduation season upon us, we would appreciate your advice.

We have a neighbor who has done our yardwork for several years who will be going to college this fall. We think a great deal of this young man and will be giving him a check for graduation.

Our dilemma is that he has a twin sister we have met several times but don’t know well. Should our gift to her be the same amount?-- Connie

DEAR CONNIE: I think you should give each twin a modest graduation gift, and then also give the boy a “bonus” in thanks for all of the work he has done for you over the years. You could do this at graduation time, but it might be better to wait until just before he leaves for college.

DEAR AMY: I love your column, but you missed the mark in responding to “Sane Relatives.”

Sane claimed to have religious relatives who said,“You’ve got to pray before we’ll give you any food.” It wasn’t that the hosts were going to pray; they said,“You’ve got to pray.”

You dumped on Sane Relatives for not wanting to pray, and that’s not fair.-- Just Sayin’

DEAR JUST: Many readers detested my response to this letter. I was responding to what I felt was loaded, intolerant and disrespectful language regarding religion in “Sane’s” letter. Sane called these relatives’ religious practices “inane” and referred to their prayer practice as talking to themselves. The letter was also signed “Sane”(implying that the relatives were not).

I assumed that, because of this overblown language, the writer was also inflating his hosts’ stance that they would refuse food until people prayed.

If Sane was being accurate, then these two family members are well-matched.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
May 3, 2013
 

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L1: First of all, you don't know your son isn't gay. Second of all, why not just let them be the way they are, who they are? WHy do you have to control their PERSONALITIES? You think you're okay with gay people, but you're really not. Nice try.

LW's husband: Divorce this idiot, take your kid, and raise him to be a happy young man. His mother will do nothing but ruin him.

L2: Completely disagree with Amy. Give the kid the check, give the sister nothing. Just because he has a twin/sibling graduating at the same time doesn't mean you have to treat them equally, or even similarly. What's next, giving money to his other siblings when they graduate even though they haven't met you? If the sister had babysitting jobs and those parents gave her money as a gift for graduation, do you think they would give the brother money as well? No.

L3: Nice attempting at really bad back pedaling, Amy, but I Remember that letter and you are lying.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
May 3, 2013
 

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1 I dont think your husband or your child will ever live up to your expectations (though I am sure they will live down to them). So the kid is like his father, I am like my father. My dad was a really nice guy and people respected that in him. I try to emulate that.

2 Team Red

3 I forget that one, wish it could remember that rehash, it sounds juicy.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#4
May 3, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: First of all, you don't know your son isn't gay.
He's SIX! His sexuality isn't anything yet.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
LW's husband: Divorce this idiot, take your kid, and raise him to be a happy young man. His mother will do nothing but ruin him.
While I agree that she has the wrong attitude, I think this is a bit harsh. If the kid has a strong, masculine role model, he'll be less likely to grow up to be gay. I don't see that as "ruining" him. Certainly you're not saying that kids who grow up not gay are ruined?
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: Completely disagree with Amy. Give the kid the check, give the sister nothing. Just because he has a twin/sibling graduating at the same time doesn't mean you have to treat them equally, or even similarly. What's next, giving money to his other siblings when they graduate even though they haven't met you? If the sister had babysitting jobs and those parents gave her money as a gift for graduation, do you think they would give the brother money as well? No.
I disagree with your disagreement and am more inclined to agree with Amy. Giving a generous graduation gift to one sibling, while giving the other nothing, is sure to create animosity and hard feelings. I don't think giving her a "token" gift is such a bad idea.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Nice attempting at really bad back pedaling, Amy, but I Remember that letter and you are lying.
I don't fully remember her response but thought she did a fairly decent job of putting the LW in his "place." I, too, felt the LW came off as some sanctimonious religion-hater who thinks religious people are "stupid."

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
May 3, 2013
 

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It's not his sexuality that is an issue, it is teh way he presents himself.

Sexuality ( and preference) is inate and is not the question here.

The issue is how you behave , how teh rest of teh wold responds to your behavior and whetehr as a parent you should be making your child aware of this stuff and offering him some alternatves.

It is no different than teaching a kid not to pick his nose in public, not to interrupt and acting like you are respecting teachers.

Kids do better with models rather than being taught to on this stuff. If there is someone in teh family or close family friend circle, encourage your son to hang around with him. The behavior will wear off and advice will come better from another man.

But first, where is your husband on this?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
May 3, 2013
 

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Actually lw1 remindes me of the VW commercial where the kid and dad are throwing the ball, and they both throw like girls.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#8
May 3, 2013
 

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He's doing the dishes of course!
PEllen wrote:
But first, where is your husband on this?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
May 3, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
If the kid has a strong, masculine role model, he'll be less likely to grow up to be gay. I don't see that as "ruining" him. Certainly you're not saying that kids who grow up not gay are ruined?
<quoted text>
Edog -- this has to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've read from you.

To get straight men, then, all we have to do is match the young boys up with masculine role models.

*scream*

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#10
May 3, 2013
 
L1: I agree with Red but I think there's hope for the LW. While she's a complete idiot, I think she might be able to learn. Maybe. When a child is born sometimes the parents have their child's future all imagined how it will be before their child is even one month old. She needs a reality check.

L2: I completely agree with Red. Amy is so, so wrong.

L3: I don't recall the letter. I think I'm lucky.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
May 3, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Edog -- this has to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've read from you.
To get straight men, then, all we have to do is match the young boys up with masculine role models.
*scream*
I disagree with Dog as to affecting teh sexual preference. I think he is dead on for learning how to ACT manly as opposed to effeminate.
LW said her husbnd's childhood was unhappy in this regard and husband is straight.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#12
May 3, 2013
 

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Lw1: Wow. So first you have a stick up your rear because somehow you didn't figure out your husband acts effeminate while you were dating him, and nobody warned you about it? And now you seem to be focused purely on the idea that a boy should want to play team sports.

There are plenty of opportunities and activities out there for boys who aren't into team sports. First, there are the sports which are about individual accomplishment, like swimming or martial arts.

Second, there are science clubs, technical clubs, robotics clubs (First LEGO League, for example). If he's not into that type of stuff, there are theater groups, choirs, chess clubs, and etc. Figure out what your kid likes and get him into activities which he enjoys.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
May 3, 2013
 

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LW1: Tell him what? That everyone including his mother thinks his behavior is not normal? Just let this poor kid alone to be the kid he is, not the kid you wish you husband had been.

LW2: I would probably give the sister a little gift at graduation too. It seems appropriate to give the larger gift to the boy on a separate occasion.

LW3: Shut up already! I gotta pray before I can eat this rehash.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#14
May 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Actually lw1 remindes me of the VW commercial where the kid and dad are throwing the ball, and they both throw like girls.
There's an episode of Roseanne where Darlene gets her period. Darlene says (paraphrasing) "I'm probably going to start throwing like a girl" and Roseanne says (paraphrasing again) "Yeah and since you have your period you'll be a lot more accurate." <shrug>

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#15
May 3, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
He's SIX! His sexuality isn't anything yet.

While I agree that she has the wrong attitude, I think this is a bit harsh. If the kid has a strong, masculine role model, he'll be less likely to grow up to be gay.
Wrong. Lots of gay men had strong "typically masculine" male role models and still "grew up to be gay" because it's innate. How he ACTS (in public) is not the same as who he is.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I disagree with your disagreement and am more inclined to agree with Amy. Giving a generous graduation gift to one sibling, while giving the other nothing, is sure to create animosity and hard feelings. I don't think giving her a "token" gift is such a bad idea.
Wrong again. Just because someone who works for you has a sibling doesn't obligate you to give that sibling a gift when you are giving one to the person who works for you. So if my mail lady has a twin should I give Mail Lady's sibling a "tip" a Christmas time too? Sibling can't handle it? Too freaking bad. Welcome to the real world babe...not everyone gets a participation trophy for simply existing.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't fully remember her response but thought she did a fairly decent job of putting the LW in his "place." I, too, felt the LW came off as some sanctimonious religion-hater who thinks religious people are "stupid."
Wrong again. People who are not religious should not be forced to endure other peoples' religious practices. Freedom of/from religion applies to everyone, not just all the people going around saying that the constitution guarantees their right to worship a head of lettuce and no one can stop them. FORCING someone to participate in a prayer is wrong, forcing someone to NOT pray is wrong. Everyone should just believe what they believe and mind their own freaking business as long as no one is being physically harmed.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

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#16
May 3, 2013
 
1. First of all, why did you marry your husband? You obviously don't respect him, and you said nothing to balance your broad-ranging criticisms of him. Second, how about you focus on your child's strengths, whatever they are, and foster them?

2. No, everything doesn't have to be even. You have a different relationship with the boy. That's life.

3. I would say "Keep your food and have a lovely day" and head for a nice restaurant and not look back.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

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#17
May 3, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
While I agree that she has the wrong attitude, I think this is a bit harsh. If the kid has a strong, masculine role model, he'll be less likely to grow up to be gay. I don't see that as "ruining" him. Certainly you're not saying that kids who grow up not gay are ruined?
Oh my God you are a forking moron. Being gay is not a mannerism you pick up from someone else. Are you one of thoe idiots who thinks that you can "cure" gayness? Did you intern at Michele Bachmann's husband's clinic?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#18
May 3, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Actually lw1 remindes me of the VW commercial where the kid and dad are throwing the ball, and they both throw like girls.
I love that commercial so much.

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#19
May 3, 2013
 

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Mimi: ONe of my favorite scenes/quotes from Rosanne: Rosanne is cleaning the girls' bedroom while they're gone all day. Jackie comes over and finds Roseanne hard at work cleaning. The room is nearly immaculate at this point. Jackie: "This reminds me of when mom would do this and we'd come home and wonder what was touched, because clearly, EVERYTHING had been touched."
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#20
May 3, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Mimi: ONe of my favorite scenes/quotes from Rosanne: Rosanne is cleaning the girls' bedroom while they're gone all day. Jackie comes over and finds Roseanne hard at work cleaning. The room is nearly immaculate at this point. Jackie: "This reminds me of when mom would do this and we'd come home and wonder what was touched, because clearly, EVERYTHING had been touched."
I don't even want to clean my kid's room now; I particularly have no desire to be cleaning it when he's a teenager.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#21
May 3, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
because it's innate.
Not always.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
Wrong again. Just because someone who works for you has a sibling doesn't obligate you to give that sibling a gift when you are giving one to the person who works for you. So if my mail lady has a twin should I give Mail Lady's sibling a "tip" a Christmas time too?
But the sibling isn't some stranger. They have met her "several times."
Mimi Seattle wrote:
Wrong again. People who are not religious should not be forced to endure other peoples' religious practices. Freedom of/from religion applies to everyone, not just all the people going around saying that the constitution guarantees their right to worship a head of lettuce and no one can stop them. FORCING someone to participate in a prayer is wrong, forcing someone to NOT pray is wrong. Everyone should just believe what they believe and mind their own freaking business as long as no one is being physically harmed.
Non-religious people need to learn to be "tolerant" of others and respect their beliefs.

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