D'ear A'bby 11-22-12

Posted in the Chicago Forum

Sweet Potato Queen

Highland Park, IL

#1 Nov 22, 2012
Dear Abby: My daughter thinks that if people are busy they shouldnít answer the phone. I think it is better to answer and tell the person youíre busy and that you will return the call. Sometimes, she doesnít call me back for nine hours or even the next day.

Then I find out she was watching a movie or walking her dog and didnít think my call was ď importantĒ enough to respond promptly. If I donít hear back, I worry, even though she is in her 20s and married with a family.

Will you please tell us what you think?

ó Kari in Montana

Dear Kari: I think that for your daughter to keep you waiting nine hours for a return call, if she can answer more promptly, shows a lack of respect for your feelings. And for you to obsess that something awful might have happened is a waste of your time.

It is also possible that you might be calling too often. But only you can answer that.

Dear Abby: Some members of my family continually ask me for money. I feel obliged because they are family and they have helped me in the past.

I have a great job and a home, and Iím in a serious relationship. This isnít the first time they have asked. If I refuse, they persist until I feel guilty.

This is creating a rift in my relationship with my girlfriend. She thinks these family members need to take responsibility for their own problems rather than rely on others to enable their bad habits. How do I put an end to this?

ó Cashed Out

Dear Cashed Out: There is a difference between giving people money to enable them to continue making poor choices and giving them money if they are really in need. Because your relatives helped you when you needed money, you have an obligation to help if they are truly in need.

Dear Abby: When I met my husband, he was married. I told him at first that I wasnít interested, but he ended up divorcing. We have been together for 11 years, married for three.

The problem is his kids, who are all adults. The daughter, who was 15 when he left, is angry and blames me for his leaving.

I am getting tired of the drama, and Iím about ready to divorce him for my peace of mind. Should we divorce?

ó Second Wife

Dear Second Wife: If you love your husband, stick with him. Because your husbandís daughter is creating drama, he should set her straight. He should also make sure she understands that, if she wants him in her life, she will need to change her attitude.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Nov 22, 2012
L1: I think you need to stop expecting other people -- including your married, adult daughter with young children -- to be at your beck and call. If I call a friend while she's watching a movie at home, she doesn't answer. She texts me "watching a movie" and I know we'll talk another time.

LET GO.

L2: Stop giving people your money. Just stop. "Because your relatives helped you when you needed money, you have an obligation to help if they are truly in need." I disagree. What if their help was $100 and now they want $5,000?

L3: Well, you did help to break up his marriage. The vagueness of the timing in your letter leads me to believe that you were his mistress at first.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#3 Nov 22, 2012
1- I'll agree it's rude for someone not to return your call in a promptly time frame, but maybe you ARE calling too often.

2- If you're able to, you should help out family members who are truly in need. But if they're using you as an alternate source of income or think you're a money tree, tell them to eff off.

3- You were the other woman but I doubt you caused a happily married man to break off his marriage, I'll bet things were already shaky before you came along. Don't let his daughter dictate your relationship. She's an adult now and needs to get over it.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

#4 Nov 22, 2012
L1: Unless you leave a message with a specific, time-sensitive question or request for a return call, bug off. There's no official turnaround time on returning social calls.

L2: Obligation is a strong word. Anyway, it sounds like you've let it get out of hand so I agree with Ang that you need to stop. I see your girlfriend's point.

L3: What Ang said. There's a huge difference between knowing him while he was married and dating him while he was married. And teenagers can be difficult under even the best circumstances.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Nov 22, 2012
L1: A phone call is a request to talk to you. You're not obliged to answer. Lay off. You keep harping she'll never call you back. Or, have a talk and ask her to text you "talk to you later" and she if she'll agree to that. If not, leave it alone.

L2: It's family. You should help family when you can if you are able and makes sense for you. The LW is not complaining about paybacks so I'll assume the money is paid back. It's not your girlfriend's business, really. Only the LW can answer if they are taking advantage or if he's giving a hand up while they're going through difficult periods -- like the LW was at one time.

L3: 15 year olds are about drama, especially girls. You see things very much in black and white at that age. They also try to guilt their parents into things. Accept this (but don't take it on or agree that it's true if it's not). If you conduct yourself well you just might end up being a very important person in her life. Kids tend to try to blame something on their parent's breakup. If you don't end up close after that, what did you lose? You still have the knowledge you conducted yourself well and you'll have your husband. Why you'd go immediately to divorce instead of family counselling is troubling for me. I wonder what is really the problem.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#6 Nov 22, 2012
Toj wrote:
L3: 15 year olds are about drama, especially girls. You see things very much in black and white at that age. They also try to guilt their parents into things. Accept this (but don't take it on or agree that it's true if it's not). If you conduct yourself well you just might end up being a very important person in her life. Kids tend to try to blame something on their parent's breakup. If you don't end up close after that, what did you lose? You still have the knowledge you conducted yourself well and you'll have your husband. Why you'd go immediately to divorce instead of family counselling is troubling for me. I wonder what is really the problem.
She's not 15 NOW -- she was 15 when her parents divorced (> 11 years ago), making her at least 26 now.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Nov 22, 2012
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
She's not 15 NOW -- she was 15 when her parents divorced (> 11 years ago), making her at least 26 now.
I should read more carefully. Well she's a grown woman and needs to get out of her father's marrige, then!!

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