“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 27, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been engaged for almost a year. My fiance works out of town and we travel back and forth to visit each other.

On my most recent visit I found strange stuff in the house. All of my clothes were hidden in the house and the clothes on hangers were badly creased and looked like they had been stashed somewhere and then moved back into the closet.

The bed pillows were strongly scented of perfumed hair oil and I discovered strands from a woman's hair weave (definitely not mine) when I was sweeping the house.

When I confronted him about everything I had found he denied that anything was going on, but I don't have closure about it. I feel like I have been betrayed and lied to.

I have been thinking of inviting him to take a lie detector test so that I can have closure on this matter. Please let me know what I should do.-- Fearful

DEAR FEARFUL: You imply that there is some uncertainty here that you think a polygraph could clear up (it wouldn't).

You don't need a polygraph (or a team of forensic experts) to establish that your guy has been entertaining someone other than you at home.

You've found abundant physical evidence. In your pumped-up version of "The Three Bears," Goldilocks has been sleeping in your bed, leaving at least some of her locks behind.

Your guy will deny this like his life depends on it. You could waggle a hair weave in front of his face and he would somehow convince you that it belongs to you.

You need to figure out what comes next.

I suggest you take a break from this relationship while he figures out how to establish his innocence, innocent intentions, and/or provide guarantees about his future behavior, without the use and expense of a lie detector. At the very least, let the polygraph be his (not your) idea. Then he can worry about closure, while you are living your life.

DEAR AMY: When accepting a dinner invitation, what would be the polite way to say, "Please don't serve salmon" or some other dish that one is either loath to eat or is allergic to?

Oftentimes the invitee doesn't ask anything about one's likes and/or dislikes and so one is left in the dark.

When issuing an invitation myself, I try to inquire about likes, dislikes or allergies, but most people seem to be a bit oblivious to this simple question. Any help would be appreciated.-- Diner

DEAR DINER: Nowadays it seems many people parade their food sensitivities and/or preferences with the same swagger I once used to swan around in my Jackson Browne T-shirt. Regardless, there is no polite way to say, "Please don't serve salmon. I loathe it."

A thoughtful host might ask you in advance about any food issues. Food allergies can be stated in advance -- preferences ("I don't like salmon") should not. If you are not given the opportunity, you should "suffer" through whatever meal you are served, unless consuming it would make you physically ill.

Being a good guest translates to appreciating the hospitality, even if you don't like the food.

DEAR AMY: I am writing with regard to "Conflicted," who wanted his wife to take a lie detector test so he could confirm whether she had been unfaithful to him. You addressed the consequences to the letter writer, his wife and their relationship. But this left the misimpression that any time someone doubts another person's word, the matter can be conclusively resolved by submitting to a polygraph test. It is definitely not that simple.

I am a lawyer with a lot of experience representing individuals who have taken lie detector tests as part of the process of getting a security clearance. The polygraph cannot tell if someone is lying. It is just a machine that measures breathing, sweating and heart rate. The Supreme Court held that its results are not admissible in court.

There are many false positives and many false negatives. The test is most useful as a complex back-and-forth orchestrated by a skilled examiner.-- Elizabeth in D.C.

DEAR ELIZABETH: Thank you for clarifying.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Jan 27, 2014
2 polygraphs and a PITA. I'm full.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Jan 27, 2014
1- I'm gonna go with L3's sentiment that a polygraph won't solve anything

2- Try not to be such a rude and ungrateful guest

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Jan 27, 2014
LW1: Gonna trust a machine over your gut, huh? Don't waste your time and money. Break off the engagement.

LW2: You onlty get to speak up about allergies. Now, if you want to pretend your allergic to things you're "loath to eat" that's on you.

LW3: See, LW1. Listen to a professional.
PEllen

Morton Grove, IL

#5 Jan 27, 2014
Anytime you interject a polygraph into a relationship, it is over.

Call the hostess to ask what she is making because you want to bring some wine. If it is salmon, eat at home first an have a lot of her side dishes and salad.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Jan 27, 2014
L1: Once you get to a place where you feel you need a lie detector test, the relationship is over -- move on.

L2: Everyone is not you. Be gratitious to your host/hostess.

L3: And it is useful in those "talk" shows that like to rile up the audience and pin fraternity/affairs on people.
Blunt Advice

Hoboken, NJ

#7 Jan 27, 2014
1. Dump the cheater. You will be in for a life of misery.
2. Ask what you can bring. That will be a chance for host to open up about what is being served. Otherwise don't go.
3. Good point.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Jan 27, 2014
L2. How can you not like wild Pacific Sockeye Salmon?
How can such a thing be possible?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#9 Jan 27, 2014
LW1: You feel betrayed and lied to because you have been betrayed and lied to. If you *really* need more proof than your own eyes and nose have already given you, hire a private detective. News flash: Guys who cheat lie about the cheating. Dump this guy, or at the very least, do NOT marry him. He will not be faithful.

LW2: Team Blunt Advice.

LW3: Technicalities aside, this was the LW who thought his wife might have cheated 15 years ago. He has issues.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#10 Jan 27, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L2. How can you not like wild Pacific Sockeye Salmon?
How can such a thing be possible?
Right? Salmon is the best type of fish there is. Had stuffed salmon for dinner just last night.
Former Lurker

Chicago, IL

#11 Jan 27, 2014
LW1: Do you want to spend your life with someone you can't trust? It sounds like he's cheating and lying about it--how many years do you want to live with that?

LW2: Great idea PElllen!

LW3: Yup.

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