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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 16, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am in my 60s and have been a widow for four years. My daughter misses her father very much. I have been dating a very nice man (divorced, my age) for more than six months. My daughter says she is happy for me. She likes my "boyfriend" but says she doesn't want to see me with him at too many family events because it makes her cry to see me with another man.

She says it will take more time. I told her that I respect her feelings, but he makes me happier than I have been and I don't want to leave him at home.

Please offer me your sage advice, Amy. I am willing to be patient, as we haven't been dating for very long, but I sincerely believe we could be together for the rest of our lives.-- A Concerned Mother

DEAR CONCERNED: First you need to truly understand, deep down, that your daughter is responsible for managing her own feelings. Then you should hold her hand and spend time sitting with her at your kitchen table -- talking, going through photos and reviewing memories of your family's life together, so that she knows that this is what she owns, and this loss is what she must come to terms with.

Her past (and the past you two share) belongs to her. This is unchanging and resolute. Your future (and hers) belongs to each of you as individuals.

Your patience and understanding will help her. However, you should not give in to her emotionally loaded demand that you not include your partner in family events. You can tell her, "I understand that you are sad. I realize this is hard for you, but I trust you to find a way to handle this. You can do it."

You should not fear your daughter's tears now, any more than you might have feared the ferocity of her feelings when she was a child. If she is struggling beyond her ability to handle it, you should offer to attend a session with a grief counselor with her.

DEAR AMY: I am a 58-year-old male who recently got divorced after 30 years of marriage. I am wondering how one learns to live alone. I have never lived alone before now. I come from a large family, had roommates in college (and after), and then got married at age 28. I miss my family and ex-wife badly.

It has been a very difficult adjustment for me. Can this "old dog" learn any new tricks to make this transition any easier? I could just get a roommate, but I think this is a challenge that should be addressed before I just find someone else to live with.-- Frozen in Chicago

DEAR FROZEN: I think that getting a roommate sooner, rather than later, might actually ease your transition and adjustment.

If you had a fairly solid roommate situation, you could sort through your feelings and separate your anxiety about living alone from your (quite natural and understandable) loneliness for your family. Interacting with an unrelated adult at home could help ease you toward a new life and teach you some "new tricks." (And, speaking of old dogs, you might consider adopting one. Domestic pets chase the loneliness away.)

You should read, "Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone" by Eric Klinenberg (2013, Penguin Books). Sociologist Klinenberg reports that people going solo do well when they are social and engaged outside of their homes.

DEAR AMY: I followed your advice on giving books for the holiday season this year.

In the past, I have typically bought gift cards for the grown-ups and plush toys for the kids.

Results this year: Yowsa! Especially with the children. The kids compared books, the adults (privately) were gratified that no batteries were required, and I smiled all day at hearing stories being read and told.-- A Fan

DEAR FAN: This makes me smile. Thank you so much. Long after the batteries have worn down, a book will resonate and inspire its recipient. This year at Christmas my family had a storytelling session/contest that I'm still laughing about.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jan 16, 2014
1- I think you can be a little respectful of your daughter's feelings and not drag this guy to every single family function as if you were attached at the hip.

2- Dude! Seriously?

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Jan 16, 2014
L2. Dear Old Dog,
Lazybones, lazybones, sleepin' in the noon-day sun
How you 'spect to get your workday done?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jan 16, 2014
1 Well, at least lamy did not bash the guy for dying....

and since your 60, I am going to guess your daughter is at least 30, so all that goo about a Norman Rockwell moment at the kitchen table is nonsense. She needs to learn you are a person, and a parent, not just a parent.

2 I have lived alone longer than I have lived with people, I really dont see your problem.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jan 16, 2014
L1 Daughter is in her 20-30's. Dad has been dead for 4 years.. At some point daughter will learn that her feelings are not the important ones.
I have little patience with people like the daughter who after a prolonged time don't come to terms with change.

L2 Dd you kill off your large family? Are they estranged , perhaps because of the divorce?
What exactly do you expect from a roommate at this point, the Odd Couple?
Find a neighborhood place to hang out so that you only go home to sleep.
Or,get a dog or at least a cat
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#6 Jan 16, 2014
1. She is concerned about you marrying and the guy taking all your late husbands money. Assure her if you marry him he will sign a prenup. Bring him to any event you please.
2. Another book endorsement disguised as a letter. If this letter is real, move to 55+ condo where you have neighbors and activities around.
3. I like books too.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 16, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 I have lived alone longer than I have lived with people, I really dont see your problem.
That's his problem. Never lived alone. No idea how to be happy alone.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 16, 2014
LW1: I think you should bring him around when you want. You waited 3.5 years to date. Your daughter is being ridiculous, IMO.

LW2: I only lived alone for 3 or 4 months before my wife and I married and she moved in, but I did fine and I enjoyed it Ö just me and my cat. I donít think itís a matter of learning new tricks Ö I think it depends on who you are as a person. You arenít the type who likes to be alone. So, just get a roommate.

Iíd so much rather live alone than have a roommate.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Jan 16, 2014
Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me

Read more: Jimmy Buffett - That's What Living Is To Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>That's his problem. Never lived alone. No idea how to be happy alone.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#10 Jan 16, 2014
RACE wrote:
Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me
Read more: Jimmy Buffett - That's What Living Is To Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
<quoted text>
Great song for one or more of the sojng threads. Thanks, RACE.

Odd question of the day: Would you rather have a clingy grown son or daughter or one
that comes back to the nest because of job loss and can't wait to leaqve again?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Jan 16, 2014
The one who wants to leave again, but as long as they contribute to the house, I would be flexible on the time they could stay.
boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Great song for one or more of the sojng threads. Thanks, RACE.
Odd question of the day: Would you rather have a clingy grown son or daughter or one
that comes back to the nest because of job loss and can't wait to leaqve again?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Jan 16, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Great song for one or more of the sojng threads. Thanks, RACE.
Odd question of the day: Would you rather have a clingy grown son or daughter or one
that comes back to the nest because of job loss and can't wait to leaqve again?
The second

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Jan 16, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>The second
Yup
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Jan 16, 2014
LW1: LW waited an appropriate amount of time to date, and found a very nice man her age, unlike LW from a day or two ago who is engaged to Mr. Broke, Barely Employed, Out-of-State, Bad Back, and Impotent. Daughter needs to paste on a smile and fake it until she truly feels happy for her mom.

LW2: Get a roommate. I've had a few good ones. My current roommate is awesome.

LW3: For me it would depend on the book. I like biographies. Someone gave me The DaVinci Code 3 or 4 years ago and I have yet to crack it open.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 16, 2014
L1: Why not mention to the daughter it's been 4 years and it's more than time to move on and if she's still facing problems about it all, perhaps a counsellor could help her sort out her feelings. I would imagine the daughter has to be at least in her 30s.

L2: I think the LW should live alone for a time, at least until the divorce is not so recent and you're settled -- then get a roommate. Learn about yourself. Don't get a dog either while you're going through this period. Heck, go to the gym or volunteer. You have to learn to take care of yourself first before you take something/someone on.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#16 Jan 16, 2014
1. Are there other children and how do they feel about the boyfriend? After 4 years, this has to be about money concerns.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#17 Jan 16, 2014
PEllen wrote:
At some point daughter will learn that her feelings are not the important ones.
Her feelings are not important?
PEllen wrote:
I have little patience with people like the daughter who after a prolonged time don't come to terms with change.
Toj wrote:
L1: Why not mention to the daughter it's been 4 years and it's more than time to move on
The timing is relative. There is no magic number for an appropriate time to "move on" and start dating again. I'm assuming the LW was married to the dad for at least 30 or 40 years. To get seriously involved with the next guy 3.5 years later and start dragging him along to every family function is obviously causing the daughter distress. They've only been dating for six months. If you factor in that when they started, they got together once a week or so, that's not terribly a long time. And now he's showing up at weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas... doesn't HE have a family? Maybe the mom could slow down a little, if for nothing other than the sake of her daughter. Or should her daughter not matter? Should her 40 year marriage not matter?
Julie

Chicago, IL

#18 Jan 16, 2014
LW1: You have been widowed 4 years. Your daughter is (presumably) in her 30s. High time she grows the eff up.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#19 Jan 16, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Her feelings are not important?
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
The timing is relative. There is no magic number for an appropriate time to "move on" and start dating again. I'm assuming the LW was married to the dad for at least 30 or 40 years. To get seriously involved with the next guy 3.5 years later and start dragging him along to every family function is obviously causing the daughter distress. They've only been dating for six months. If you factor in that when they started, they got together once a week or so, that's not terribly a long time. And now he's showing up at weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas... doesn't HE have a family? Maybe the mom could slow down a little, if for nothing other than the sake of her daughter. Or should her daughter not matter? Should her 40 year marriage not matter?
3.5 years was enough time for the mother, and daughter has had 6 months to get used to the idea. IMHO, there's nothing inappropriate or untimely about the situation and the 40-year marriage has been honored. The daughter is the one who needs grief therapy. The daughter is the one who needs to accept the current situation. And trying to control what another adult does is usually futile.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Jan 16, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Her feelings are not important?
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
The timing is relative. There is no magic number for an appropriate time to "move on" and start dating again. I'm assuming the LW was married to the dad for at least 30 or 40 years. To get seriously involved with the next guy 3.5 years later and start dragging him along to every family function is obviously causing the daughter distress. They've only been dating for six months. If you factor in that when they started, they got together once a week or so, that's not terribly a long time. And now he's showing up at weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas... doesn't HE have a family? Maybe the mom could slow down a little, if for nothing other than the sake of her daughter. Or should her daughter not matter? Should her 40 year marriage not matter?
I didn't say her feelings were not important, but they are not as important in this context as the mom's.

If mom was married that long, she got used to having someone around, someone on the other side of the bed, someone to be the designated driver for, someone to vet to about her goofy relatives, someone to run interference for her when visiting the goofy relatives ... and all the other stuff that comes with companionship and a bed partner. It is a compliment to her late husband that she has the capacity to feel this way about someone else.

3 1/2 years is a reasonable time and from my standpoint is too long.We will celebrate 30 years next month. I sure as hell would not want to spend 4 years in a half empty home of husband were to die.

I know that one of your issues is pinpointing exactly how much time should elapse before a widow dates, but even in Victorian times it was only a year

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