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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Feb 19, 2013
DEAR AMY: I've been best friends with "Molly" since we were children. We're now in our early 20s.

We've been very close and have always shared our ups and downs.

She has suffered from an eating disorder for a few years now. She's received help, but her life seems to be a roller coaster.

I've tried being there for her, but she has a tendency to shut down and block me out. She has ditched me at the last minute on many occasions (my birthday, holidays and many other times) without any notice. Then she ignores me for a few weeks or a few months.

This hurts me. I don't have many friends, and I worry about her.

When she finally communicates with me, she says she's "just been having a rough time lately," but she will post pictures on Facebook of her activities during these times, and I see that she seems to be busy with other friends.

This friendship is held up only by me, and I think I've had enough.

She hasn't talked to me for over a month now. I deleted her off Facebook because I got annoyed seeing her interacting with all of her other friends, except for me.

Should I communicate my feelings -- or leave her wondering? That's how she always treats me, so maybe I should show her what it feels like.-- Angry

DEAR ANGRY: If your friend suffers from anxiety or depression, this would compel her to pull away periodically, and it would be a mistake for you to take it personally.

However, given the fact that this relationship is depleting you, you should -- finally -- act only on your own behalf and not attempt to manipulate Molly.

If you try to make her wonder about you, I guarantee that she will not wonder about you. If you try to retaliate in some way, this negative energy will only bounce back and hit you in the gut, because she may lack the capacity to notice.

If it would make you feel better to express your disappointment in her, then do it. If it would make you feel better to simply fade away, then definitely do that.

DEAR AMY: I recently got married. In addition to registering for traditional items, my husband and I decided to include two charities for those who didn't see the need for us to own 12 china settings.

We never thought anything of this, other than the potential good it could do. However, I was just reading through an online wedding forum, and many people thought it was rude to ask guests to donate to charity. They said that a wedding was not a time to discuss "depressing" things.

These people equated charity registries to just asking for cash. They assumed that brides who went this route were arrogant.

My general opinion is that even a registry asking for blenders and steak knives is asking for "money," so why not do the world a little good?

Was I in the wrong? Is it tacky and pretentious to include charities on a wedding registry?-- New Bride

DEAR BRIDE: Registries are all about directing guests' giving toward what the marrying couple wants to receive. Many guests find registries very helpful, though guests can always choose to ignore a registry.

My reaction to your choice to include nonprofits is not that this is "depressing" (far from it), but perhaps a little confusing. It's as if you are including a grab bag of opposing ideas for guests.

However, this was your wedding. Many couples use their nuptials to inspire guests to raise money for charity, and I don't think it's tacky at all -- it's lovely. Now, stay off the wedding message boards. Nothing good can come of it.

DEAR AMY: Poor "Breakup Hang-Up" worried how she would cope if she ran into her ex-boyfriend on campus. I have a suggestion to add: Instead of deleting his number from her phone, she should simply change the name from his name to "Do Not Call." It will lessen her temptation to call him.-- Phone Savvy

DEAR SAVVY: I like it. That way she'll know if he calls but will be less likely to dial him during a moment of weakness. From now on, she can think of him as "Do Not Call."

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#2 Feb 19, 2013
L1: It does sound like the LW wants to get back at the friend. I think the friend has already disconnected and the LW is just catching up now.

L2: It is different to have the charity in with the registry but whatever. If I was a guest at the wedding and looking at the registry to get a gift, I wouldn't think too much about it.

L3: That's stupid. Who do you think you're fooling? The person knows who it is on the do not call. I would delete and get on with life.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Feb 19, 2013
LW1: Molly has been trying to fade out of your life and you won't let her. By defriending her on facebook, you probably did her a favor.
"I don't have many friends"
Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe Molly is trying to quietly slip off your friend list.

LW2: An online wedding forum? Really? Who cares.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Feb 19, 2013
L1: "If your friend suffers from anxiety or depression, this would compel her to pull away periodically, and it would be a mistake for you to take it personally" Amy, can you not read? THe friend is having plenty of fun with others.

THe writing is on the wall. YOur friend has outgrown the friendship. It's time to move on. No need to say anything.

L2: THe last and worst place to go for wedding etiquette advice is an online wedding forum.

L3: What? NO. Delete. Move on.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Feb 19, 2013
Toj wrote:
L3: That's stupid. Who do you think you're fooling? The person knows who it is on the do not call. I would delete and get on with life.
If you're like me and WANT to know who's calling, a better idea is to leave him in the phonebook, but set his number to go straight to voice mail. It won't even ring. So you won't be tempted to answer it and when you see the number on the log, you will know who it was instead of wondering.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Feb 19, 2013
LW2 - When my niece was given a wedding shower, she asked the guests to buy children's books which she donated to the school at which she was teaching. It was a great idea. Charity donation suggestions are unselfish.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Feb 19, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
LW2 - When my niece was given a wedding shower, she asked the guests to buy children's books which she donated to the school at which she was teaching. It was a great idea. Charity donation suggestions are unselfish.
I probably would spend even more money on that than I would a typical wedding gift.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Feb 19, 2013
If you WANT to know who's calling then answer the g*dam phone!
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
If you're like me and WANT to know who's calling, a better idea is to leave him in the phonebook, but set his number to go straight to voice mail. It won't even ring. So you won't be tempted to answer it and when you see the number on the log, you will know who it was instead of wondering.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Feb 19, 2013
Ha! I think my previous post got pulled. Guess I should stop using such offensive language.
:D

LW1: Try to make some new friends.

LW2: And what woudl yave have done if Amy had said it was rude? Have a do-over wedding?

And here's where I got in trouble...
LW3: I'd keep his number because I would want to know if he called, but I'd name it something more evocative of how I really feel, like A-hole or MFer.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#11 Feb 19, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
LW2 - When my niece was given a wedding shower, she asked the guests to buy children's books which she donated to the school at which she was teaching. It was a great idea. Charity donation suggestions are unselfish.
Did they KNOW she was gonna donate them? Otherwise, I think I'd be pzzed if I bought a gift for someone and they just gave it away. Screw you, then.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Feb 19, 2013
For a wedding where the vast majority of guests (if not all) are going to be local, what od you think of a food drive for the food shelf in lieu of a charity $ donation? Or pet food/supplies for an animal rescue organization?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Feb 19, 2013
No, I am sure she thought the bride was at a 2nd grade reading level, and she wanted to own every Dr Suess book availiable.
(rolls eyes)

You leave me wondering sometimes dog.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Did they KNOW she was gonna donate them? Otherwise, I think I'd be pzzed if I bought a gift for someone and they just gave it away. Screw you, then.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Feb 19, 2013
If you want me to bring a bag of groceries or pet chow instead of a gift, well, then that is my gift to you.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
For a wedding where the vast majority of guests (if not all) are going to be local, what od you think of a food drive for the food shelf in lieu of a charity $ donation? Or pet food/supplies for an animal rescue organization?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Feb 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
If you want me to bring a bag of groceries or pet chow instead of a gift, well, then that is my gift to you.
<quoted text>
I like that idea. But I also can imagine what a PITA it would be to get it all boxed/bagged up and hauled somewhere. Unless we could arrange a pick-up from the organization.

It doesn't matter. My dream 2nd wedding:

Immediate family and closest friends only - JOP on a Friday afternoon, then take everyone out for a really nice dinner and drop a couple grand on that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Feb 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Did they KNOW she was gonna donate them? Otherwise, I think I'd be pzzed if I bought a gift for someone and they just gave it away. Screw you, then.
Do you think every wedding gift is happily used? I can tell you there were quite a few things we got that we had no use for or simply did not like. Of course we thanked the person but then at a later date, discarded them in some way(regift, donate, trash). Most wedding gifts are about practicality, not the sentiment that edogg gave it to me and therefore I must cherish this Millenium Falcon shaped gravy bowl for the rest of my days.

You would seriously get pissed if you gave someone a gift and they did not keep it forever? That's what gift reciepts are for.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Feb 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
For a wedding where the vast majority of guests (if not all) are going to be local, what od you think of a food drive for the food shelf in lieu of a charity $ donation? Or pet food/supplies for an animal rescue organization?
The is a growing trend for bar/bat mitzpah's around teh north suburbs. The boy/girl has a charity project to perform as part of the training. Some also elect to have teh gifts go to teh same cause.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Feb 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I like that idea. But I also can imagine what a PITA it would be to get it all boxed/bagged up and hauled somewhere. Unless we could arrange a pick-up from the organization.
It doesn't matter. My dream 2nd wedding:
Immediate family and closest friends only - JOP on a Friday afternoon, then take everyone out for a really nice dinner and drop a couple grand on that.
We did something close to that 29 years ago yesterday. The JOP was a friend who had just got the job. We used the Frank Lloyd Wright Unity Temple in Oak Park IL and had a nice dinner downtown in a private dining room at a very nice restaurant. We had maybe 40 people all told and set us back close to $8,000 as I recall for flowers, dress, ceremony and dinner.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Feb 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
If you're like me and WANT to know who's calling, a better idea is to leave him in the phonebook, but set his number to go straight to voice mail. It won't even ring. So you won't be tempted to answer it and when you see the number on the log, you will know who it was instead of wondering.
Oh. I didn't think of that. Good point.
Sam I Am

Memphis, TN

#20 Feb 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Did they KNOW she was gonna donate them? Otherwise, I think I'd be pzzed if I bought a gift for someone and they just gave it away. Screw you, then.
Do you know what a gift is, asszit? You don't give a gift with strings attached or with stipulations or with an expectation as to how it will be used. You give a give and the recipient can do whatever they darn well please and you shouldn't give to rips. I am guessing you don't "give" very often. I am guessing that most of your "gifts" have some type of underlying expectation attached.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#21 Feb 19, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Do you think every wedding gift is happily used? I can tell you there were quite a few things we got that we had no use for or simply did not like. Of course we thanked the person but then at a later date, discarded them in some way(regift, donate, trash). Most wedding gifts are about practicality, not the sentiment that edogg gave it to me and therefore I must cherish this Millenium Falcon shaped gravy bowl for the rest of my days.
You would seriously get pissed if you gave someone a gift and they did not keep it forever? That's what gift reciepts are for.
Then don't register the Millenium Falcon gravy bowl!

And gift reciepts are really meant for exchanging something if it's the wrong size or whatever. That's fine. But if I get you that Little Bo Peep dress with the pink frill you asked for, and you say "Great, I'm on my way to Goodwill now and they're gonna love this!" Then that's tacky and wrong.

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