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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Jan 2, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: Our 27-year-old daughter has a well-paying job and a sports car parked in the garage of her new home (with pool), which we have only seen in pictures.

Our calls go to her voice mail and are not returned. Since she started college we have seen her only a few times. Unless she wants money, we hear from her only right before her birthday or Christmas to “remind us.”

We send her a nice check. We don’t get a thank you or any communication most of the time. Over the years we have done quite a bit for her, but we don’t rate an e-mail or call for our own birthdays or other occasions.

Money is extremely important to her and she spends it liberally on herself. We are savers and do not live above our means.

She knows she will inherit a nice amount some day and has bragged several times that she loves being the only child because she gets so much more that way. We lived our lives around her schedule, giving her things while not splurging on ourselves. Now we are cut out of her life.

I wonder what we “owe” her. My wife thinks we must continue on as we have and insists we must leave her a large inheritance. I think things need to change, but I am not sure where to start.-- Sad Dad

DEAR DAD: Things do need to change. You and your wife should discuss this, ideally with a neutral third party such as a professional counselor (and financial planner).

Your daughter excels at taking care of herself. You two should start to value and love yourselves more. This means making choices about your spending and inheritance that will satisfy and reflect your own values. You might want to spend down the inheritance over time by supporting local causes.

Write to your daughter and let her know that you would love to know her better as a person, but that the money spigot is being turned off. I realize this is potentially heartbreaking because she is your only child, but once money is off the table, you will discover what, if anything, is left.

DEAR AMY: My son was born 30 years ago with birth defects and other health issues that resulted in us having a family genetic work-up done. We learned that the problem originated on my side of the family.

One of my cousins had almost identical issues, so we made a copy of the report and shared it with my aunt and uncle.

In speaking with one of my cousins recently I discovered that her parents never shared any of that information with her. Her parents never even told her of her sibling’s birth defects, which were corrected surgically in infancy. She is dealing now with health issues related to this inherited syndrome.

Should I dig up the report now and share it with her and her siblings? She knows that I have the report somewhere but didn’t ask for a copy.

Her parents are deceased, and I’m not sure I should wade in.-- Concerned Aunt

DEAR AUNT: There is no downside to sharing this information; quite honestly I don’t understand your hesitation.

Having this genetic information is empowering to this generation of your family, just as it empowered you when you received it.

Genetic testing has changed significantly since you received this information, but sharing this report would give your family members a place to start, and I urge you to do so.

DEAR AMY: I know readers didn’t like when you said that a dog pooping on someone’s lawn was “disrespectful,” even when it was quickly picked up.

On walks, my dogs were never allowed on private property at any time for any reason, and certainly not to take a dump. You can train them to go on demand. You can train them to go in the location you want them to go.

And “curb your dog” means just that. Not on someone’s lawn, not on the sidewalk.-- Doggy Don’t

DEAR DON’T: No dog I’ve ever walked was quite so potty-compliant, but thank you for the support.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Jan 2, 2014
 

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1- Screw her. Spend your money on yourselves.

2- Ok

3- You can't say "take a dump" in a syndicated advice column! In Illinois it's now illegal to allow your dog to walk on someone else's property.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Jan 2, 2014
 

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1 Wow, you sure are trained. Too bad your going to deny yourself to please someone who does not deserve it.

2 Whatever

3 Personally I think that kind of training is stupid unless its a service animal. And I dont care if you dont like my mutt pooping on your grass, I pick it up so quit your whining. It's not like you wanted to stand in that very spot or something, Hell, you dont even walk on your grass at all.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#4
Jan 2, 2014
 

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Pretty sure feral animals take dumps where ever, whenever, and they don't have the baggie dispenser to clean up after themselves.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#5
Jan 2, 2014
 

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LW1 doesn't have to give this woman--who can take care of herself--anything. He and his wife can spend on friends, travel, community
service projects or anything else that they choose. They earned their money, therefore, it's their money to spend or save as they please.

LW2 is doing the right thing by sharing that report with her sister, as well as any helpful resources she has found.

Team Matilda wins.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#6
Jan 2, 2014
 

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LW1: You need to write her a letter telling her about the new house (with a pool) and sports car parked in its garage that you just bought with her inheritance. Stop saving already; it's time you lived outside your means and live it up! Leave this girl nothing.

LW2: Start digging.

LW3: It seems to me that currently people are treating their dogs like they are much to precious to ask them to do anything they don't want to and they couldn't possibly train them to go anywhere but where their little hearts desire.

I work near many many high-rise condo buildings with very little grassy areas for dog walking, and there is one stretch of about a block, surrounding the episcopal cathedral no less, that I call the Sh!tway because so many of these condo-living dog owners are too lazy to be bothered to pick up after their little preciousnesses. You cannot take your eyes off the sidewalk or YOU WILL step in some. There was a huge pile literally right in front of the pay station for street parking. I mean, how lazy and glassbowlish do you have to be to do that to rest of the people who have to use that machine?

And at home, it's no better. One of Lulu's snowboots had to be quarantined because she stepped in poop hidden in the snow. I don't care how cold it is or how late it is or how tired you are! You have a dog and it is your responsibility to pick up after it.

\rant

Since: Jan 10

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#7
Jan 2, 2014
 

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L3: "You can train them to go on demand." Yawuhl, her commandant.

When my dog needed to poop, she needed to poop. There was no budging her. I did my best to steer her into the boulevard (grassy area between sidewalk and street), but wasn't always successful (usually was). Occasionally, she had diarrhea and I would knock on the door of the homeowner, quickly explain and apologize, then ask for a couple of buckets of water to help wash it away far more quickly, rather than leave it in their yard. 100% appreciation rate. Usually, they wouldn't even take me up on my offer, just wanted to know where it happened so they could go hose it off themselves, but they were always happy to have been informed, given the alternative.See Less

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Jan 2, 2014
 

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L2: I wish you had shared this report with all adults in your family, so there would be less room for secrecy. However, it sounds like the aunt and uncle handled it correctly and privately. And who knows whether the current health issues could have been prevented? They likely/possibly were inevitable and unable to be prevented.

I would share the report with everyone in your family as they turn 18, prepared to face the wrath of some parents.

Since: Jan 10

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#9
Jan 2, 2014
 

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L1: "You might want to spend down the inheritance over time by supporting local causes."

Or you can meet with your financial planner and start ENJOYING the fruits of your labor!!! You could be enjoying that money -- YOUR money-- right now! Travel! Try new hobbies that have interested you but seemed too expensive (photography is a good one). Cooking classes. Is your home woefully out of date? Update it with new colors, a great kitchen if that is something you would use and enjoy. Entertain more often.

And then warn your daughter that she had better be socking money away into her own retirement accounts because you can't/won't guarantee there will be much left when you are gone.

On a far more serious note, you or your wife could face a health crisis (cancer, stroke, car crash) that eats up all your life's savings. Would your daughter begrudge your spending "her inheritance" on high quality, long term care for your spouse?(Yes, she probably would.)

So you need to focus on your selves and your future plans, and give up this notion that your daughter is owed a damned thing, because this mentality has done her no real favors in life.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#10
Jan 2, 2014
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: I wish you had shared this report with all adults in your family, so there would be less room for secrecy. However, it sounds like the aunt and uncle handled it correctly and privately. And who knows whether the current health issues could have been prevented? They likely/possibly were inevitable and unable to be prevented.
I would share the report with everyone in your family as they turn 18, prepared to face the wrath of some parents.
I love your posts. Please come to "Fun Song combos" and list two or three songs that sound nice together.

Since: Jan 10

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#11
Jan 2, 2014
 
squishymama wrote:
I don't care how cold it is or how late it is or how tired you are! You have a dog and it is your responsibility to pick up after it.
\rant
ITA.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#12
Jan 2, 2014
 

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Put up a sign saying
"If you cant pick up after your dog, please at least smile and wave to everyone watching you from our webcam on the internet."
squishymama wrote:
LW1: You need to write her a letter telling her about the new house (with a pool) and sports car parked in its garage that you just bought with her inheritance. Stop saving already; it's time you lived outside your means and live it up! Leave this girl nothing.
LW2: Start digging.
LW3: It seems to me that currently people are treating their dogs like they are much to precious to ask them to do anything they don't want to and they couldn't possibly train them to go anywhere but where their little hearts desire.
I work near many many high-rise condo buildings with very little grassy areas for dog walking, and there is one stretch of about a block, surrounding the episcopal cathedral no less, that I call the Sh!tway because so many of these condo-living dog owners are too lazy to be bothered to pick up after their little preciousnesses. You cannot take your eyes off the sidewalk or YOU WILL step in some. There was a huge pile literally right in front of the pay station for street parking. I mean, how lazy and glassbowlish do you have to be to do that to rest of the people who have to use that machine?
And at home, it's no better. One of Lulu's snowboots had to be quarantined because she stepped in poop hidden in the snow. I don't care how cold it is or how late it is or how tired you are! You have a dog and it is your responsibility to pick up after it.
\rant

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
Jan 2, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
Put up a sign saying
"If you cant pick up after your dog, please at least smile and wave to everyone watching you from our webcam on the internet."
<quoted text>
Oh, I wish I could do that. I have a lot of windows, but they unfortunately don't look onto the places where the people do this.

But it really frosts me that people don't clean up around the cathedrals. I mean, they are not just holy places (for some) but they are also tourist attractions and is Dogsh!t Row really how we want them to remember Chicago? Somehow, I think not. The episcopal cathedral has already spent their own money to install and restock poop bag dispensers, but I don't think a webcam is in their budget.
pde

Bothell, WA

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#14
Jan 2, 2014
 
Matilda77 wrote:
Pretty sure feral animals take dumps where ever, whenever, and they don't have the baggie dispenser to clean up after themselves.
The coyotes that lived in/around our last subdivision appeared to like taking their dumps on the sidewalk by the pond. In and around the geese poop.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#15
Jan 2, 2014
 
LW1: Look in the mirror to see who raised this spoiled, materialistic, entitled woman. You admit that you and your wife lived your lives around her schedule, giving her things and not splurging on yourselves.

Exactly how many times have you seen her since college? What do you talk about on those rare occasions that you see her? How often do you call her? Do you pressure her to get married and give you grandchildren? Do you have your own interests and hobbies to occupy your time, or do you spend your time thinking about what your daughter is doing? Maybe she works long hours in that well-paying job, and maybe she must travel frequently. Maybe you call her every day and she feels suffocated.

Now to answer your question, you don't "owe" her anything, but you seem to want to punish her by withdrawing her inheritance. She does not need a large inheritance, but neither should you punish her for being who she is. You need to show your daughter more love and kindness rather than just giving her large checks. As a parent, your primary obligation is to love your child unconditionally. You and your wife should go on a lavish vacation and do some volunteer work. And do get that joint counseling, because you and your wife don't appear to be on the same page.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#16
Jan 2, 2014
 
LW2: Team Amy.

LW3: I had a dog who would not poop anywhere but in the backyard, and only if nobody was looking! LOL! One time, I happened to look out the window just as he started to squat and he stood right up. He was too funny. Anyway, I totally agree with squishymama. If you have a dog, you carry baggies around with you when you walk him/her and pick that sh!t up. If your dog does his thing on my lawn and you pick it up, I'm good. However, there is a perfectly useful strip of grass between the curb and sidewalk.
pde

Bothell, WA

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#17
Jan 2, 2014
 

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Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: Team Amy.
However, there is a perfectly useful strip of grass between the curb and sidewalk.
My dog will squat to take a poop, spot a bird, and then take off running while still doing her business. I've retrieved poop from interesting places.

Since: Jan 10

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#18
Jan 2, 2014
 

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not a ghost wrote:
<quoted text>
I love your posts. Please come to "Fun Song combos" and list two or three songs that sound nice together.
That is very sweet of you. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#19
Jan 3, 2014
 

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Here's the real poop on dog poop!
http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/01/03/what-your...
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#20
Jan 3, 2014
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: "You might want to spend down the inheritance over time by supporting local causes."
Or you can meet with your financial planner and start ENJOYING the fruits of your labor!!! You could be enjoying that money -- YOUR money-- right now! Travel! Try new hobbies that have interested you but seemed too expensive (photography is a good one). Cooking classes. Is your home woefully out of date? Update it with new colors, a great kitchen if that is something you would use and enjoy. Entertain more often.
And then warn your daughter that she had better be socking money away into her own retirement accounts because you can't/won't guarantee there will be much left when you are gone.
On a far more serious note, you or your wife could face a health crisis (cancer, stroke, car crash) that eats up all your life's savings. Would your daughter begrudge your spending "her inheritance" on high quality, long term care for your spouse?(Yes, she probably would.)
So you need to focus on your selves and your future plans, and give up this notion that your daughter is owed a damned thing, because this mentality has done her no real favors in life.
I absolutely agree - especially your last sentence. Also, I didn't like Amy's suggestion about using their money for "good causes" simply because it would likely make the lw and his wife feel guilty about finally deciding to stop giving so much to their daughter and enjoying the fruits of their labors themselves. I think the lw's wife already feels a compulsion to give money to their ungrateful daughter; Amy's comment might make her feel compelled to give it to anyone rather than allow the lw and his wife have some enjoyment in their lives. No, I'm not against giving to charity. I'm against guilting people into it. That said, I know from personal experience that they are doing more damage to their daughter by continually giving her money. My sister and b-i-l did the same with their 2 sons. I told them they were not helping their boys by giving them everything they wanted and not making them learn how to live within their means. The boys couldn't hold down jobs because they went to work when they felt like it and didn't think it was wrong to "set their bosses straight" when they disagreed with them. They felt no need to actually keep a job. By the time my sister and b-i-l had died, they had spent all their money on their sons and had mortgaged their previously debt free home to the hilt. One nephew cried that he didn't know what to do. There was no money and the mortgage was due for a payment. I believe there might have been enough in a life insurance policy to pay for my b-i-l's funeral but that's it. So the boys (men by that time) were dumped into the deep end with little training about how to deal with the financial realities of life.

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