Amy 9-26-13

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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Sep 26, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My wife and I will soon have confirmed what we have suspected for some time: Our 26-year-old son and our 48-year-old female friend are having an affair.

We are not comfortable with this situation. We know that they are both adults, so there is nothing that we can really do about this, but I know he is going to disclose this soon and donít know how to respond.

Besides the huge age difference, several factors bother us: Her oldest daughter is my sonís age, the friend and my son both recently started working together at a startup company, and both have recently ended relationships (she has split from a relationship of 18 years, and he from a six-month marriage that ended in divorce).

I am disappointed in his choices (I thought he jumped into the first marriage too quickly but supported him nonetheless) and am not sure how to handle this situation. My wife and I were good friends with this woman, but with this revelation the relationship is beyond repair.

Even though they are adults, this feels like a predator situation to us.

What advice can you provide for us on how to handle the conversation?-- Perplexed Parent

DEAR PERPLEXED: The best way for you to handle this anticipated disclosure is to calm down and prepare yourselves by realizing, in your bones, that you donít have to like something for it to still happen.

At the age of 26, your son has already had a brief marriage and has now bounced into another romantic relationship that also may not last. You might struggle to imagine the appeal for either of them because of the extreme age difference, but unless he is unusually emotionally, physically or cognitively vulnerable, it is hard to see how he has been victimized.

There is no reason to sugarcoat your own reality. There is also no reason for you to bring up all the various ways and reasons you object to this; I assure you they will not care one whit. You are under no obligation to be supportive, but you really must accept this, because it is happening.

DEAR AMY: A couple of years ago I was supposed to be one of my best friendís maid of honor at her wedding in the Midwest.

I live on the East Coast and could not attend many of the pre-wedding events. This led to a little bit of tension; I even kindly suggested she make someone else her maid of honor and make me a bridesmaid, but she declined.

The weekend of the wedding happened to be the same weekend that Hurricane Irene hit, and my flight (along with thousands of others) was canceled. I was not able to get to the wedding.

My friend was furious and said I had been planning not to attend all along. She promptly cut me out of her life. I understand her anger about this, but I have been hurt that she showed so little concern for the safety of me, my family or my property, and Iím not sure how I would have planned a hurricane hitting the same weekend of her nuptials.

Recently, I have wanted to reach out to her but am unsure what to say or do. Any advice?-- Former MOH

DEAR FORMER: If you want to try to revive your relationship, you could contact her by note, e-mail or Facebook message to express how sorry you were to miss her wedding. Say simply that you miss her and would like to be in touch. Express an open-ended query along the lines of,ďIíd love to hear how married life is treating you,Ē and hope she responds.

DEAR AMY: This is for ďAngry and Fed Up,Ē whose mother stole from him/her to fuel her shopping addiction.

Please let your readers know about Debtors Anonymous. Itís a program modeled after AA for people whose compulsion to debt has led them to lie, cheat and steal.

DA has been helping people recover from compulsive debting since 1968. Weíre here to help fellow suffering debtors.-- Katie Anonymous

DEAR KATIE: The Web address is: debtorsanonymous[dot]org . Thank you.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#2
Sep 26, 2013
 
LW1: Ooooh, Christmas dinner is gonna be fun!

LW2: Why do you even care anymore?

Since: Feb 10

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#3
Sep 26, 2013
 
Why would L2 want to restart that friendship? A bit of a drama addiction, maybe?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#4
Sep 26, 2013
 
LW1: Your son is a grown man. You don't have to LIKE his choices, but you have to ACCEPT them. If you love your son, you will be there for him regardless, but in the meantime you need to learn to let go a little bit here.

LW2: Why would you want to be friends with this person? I know you're sad because the relationship ended - that's natural. But anyone that would be so self-absorbed in that situation shouldn't be worth your time and energy. You had no control over a storm happening and your flight being cancelled and the fact that she wasn't even concerned about you and your family's well-being says a lot. She is NOT a good friend and has proven it.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Sep 26, 2013
 
LW1: Your son is a grown man. You donít have to like it, but you have to accept that itís his call. Also just cause they are an item, doesnít mean it will be for forever.

LW2: I personally would have gotten in a car and drove, all night if I had to, if I made that sort of a commitment, but Iím not sure of your exact circumstances. Pretty sure you could have anticipated that your flight was going to be canceled. Itís not like the trajectory of that storm was not known.

At the same time, I would understand a friend of mine, even my best man not being able to make it under those circumstances.

Having said all that, reach out to her if you want, but Iím not sure why you would want to and I wouldnít expect much from it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Sep 26, 2013
 
L1 Two unmarried consenting adults are having a relationship? Wat did I miss here? I'd bet LW would not have a problem with a 48 year old man and a 26 year old woman.

Hey Mom, get the broomstick out of your butt.

L2 Drama on the brides behalf for choosing a geographically unsuitable MOH and then grouching about her not being able to attend.

Hurricanes are predicted pretty far in advance these days, if LW had wanted to, alternative travel arrangements could have been made , Passive Aggressive response.Points to the bride on this part

A couple YEARS have gone by? Friendship is over.

Disclosure: one of my husband friends (BF from childhood) pulled a similar stunt at our wedding only he was in charge of getting groom to the church. Its 30 years later. I want as little to do with that "friend" as possible

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
Sep 26, 2013
 
L1: Predator? Oh please! Both are adults. It actually sounds like a perfect match -- both on the rebound so this will fizzle in a few weeks or a month or two.

L2: Under normal circumstances, if my flight was cancelled I would drive if I was the MOH. However, if my home and my town is taking a hurricane hit, I'd stay right in town, ding what I could to help other and myself keep safe and then clean up. That bride thought her wedding was the most important thing in the world. It's wasn't. An extremely important event for her, of course. Her wedding and her life are more important, just as the LW's life and family are more important than any wedding. The LW wants to so I'd give it one more shot and then let it go.

L3: PSA.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#8
Sep 26, 2013
 
1 6 MONTHS? Anyway, your son is learning some good love making skills, that will benefit him and his future girlfriends, so be glad for that.

2 Irene was a rain event (huge rain), but no wind damage. At least here, I have no idea what it did anywhere else. So unless you were dealing with flood damage, you could have driven, unless of course you would have been following the storm. Anyway send her and email and see if she has gotten that stick out of her butt yet.

3 Oh, please... How about you just cut up your credit cards and give POA to somebody who knows how to manage money?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#9
Sep 26, 2013
 
LW1: I'm with Amy and PEllen. Here are two unmarried consenting adults having a relationship. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, but I don't see anything wrong with LW's son and their friend being an item for the short term. The woman was a friend of LW's, so I assume she has a few good qualities. There are worse choices that your son could have made; for example, he could be babydaddy to 4 kids by 3 different women. Chillax and let your son manage his own life.

LW2: Not knowing how difficult it would have been to arrange alternative ground transportation ahead of the hurricane, I am going to assume that LW truly could not get out to the East Coast in time for the wedding. LW's friend sounds like a bit of a bridezilla, creating "tension" because LW was unable to attend the pre-wedding functions. I agree that LW could reach out to her friend with no expectations and see what happens. But I think PEllen is right again: the friendship is over.
Timmy

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#10
Sep 26, 2013
 
You obviously know very little about hurricanes and this one in particular. The general path can be predicted, but it can change very rapidly and they cannot say exaclty where, when, or even if it will make landfall. Irene made landfall in North Carlina, then Virginia, then New Jersey, and finally in New York and caused over $15B in damage. So you are saying that when it first made landfall hundreds of miles away in NC that people in New York should have known to make alternate travel arrangments?
PEllen wrote:
L2 Hurricanes are predicted pretty far in advance these days, if LW had wanted to, alternative travel arrangements could have been made , Passive Aggressive response.Points to the bride on this part
A couple YEARS have gone by? Friendship is over.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
Sep 26, 2013
 
Timmy wrote:
You obviously know very little about hurricanes and this one in particular. The general path can be predicted, but it can change very rapidly and they cannot say exaclty where, when, or even if it will make landfall. Irene made landfall in North Carlina, then Virginia, then New Jersey, and finally in New York and caused over $15B in damage. So you are saying that when it first made landfall hundreds of miles away in NC that people in New York should have known to make alternate travel arrangments?
<quoted text>
No I am saying that the general area where there would be heavy weather( not just landfall) was subject to computer models so that you could be reasonably confident in advance that it would hit the mid Atlantic states rather than So FL, etc. An earlier flight could have been booked, or train tickets or even Greyhound tickets earlier could have been obtained if driving was not an option. From a practical standpoint, LW was going to be hit by Irene, but the wedding was somewhere in the Midwest. LW would not have been traveling in the path of the primary storm, presumably she would have been traveling oblique to or even perpendicular to the computer modeled path.

I rely on Accuweather and Weather Underground (Wunderground)for the computer model simulations

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#12
Sep 26, 2013
 
Timmy wrote:
You obviously know very little about hurricanes and this one in particular. The general path can be predicted, but it can change very rapidly and they cannot say exaclty where, when, or even if it will make landfall. Irene made landfall in North Carlina, then Virginia, then New Jersey, and finally in New York and caused over $15B in damage. So you are saying that when it first made landfall hundreds of miles away in NC that people in New York should have known to make alternate travel arrangments?
<quoted text>
Not only tht, but it's hard to leave your home/family/pets when you fear there is danger at hand. Plus, it might have been expensive to rent a car so last minute (esp. since she already bought a plane ticket) and, lastly, she may not have been able to get the time away from work adn family to make the drive. SO many factors come into play. I've seen where they were tracking hurricanes to hit us head on, then wake up to find it completely shifted and hit an area far away.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#13
Sep 26, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
No I am saying that the general area where there would be heavy weather( not just landfall) was subject to computer models so that you could be reasonably confident in advance that it would hit the mid Atlantic states rather than So FL, etc. An earlier flight could have been booked, or train tickets or even Greyhound tickets earlier could have been obtained if driving was not an option. From a practical standpoint, LW was going to be hit by Irene, but the wedding was somewhere in the Midwest. LW would not have been traveling in the path of the primary storm, presumably she would have been traveling oblique to or even perpendicular to the computer modeled path.
I rely on Accuweather and Weather Underground (Wunderground)for the computer model simulations
But, even with your points, would you want to leave your home and family in that situation? I wouldn't. Heck, it would take a lot to even get me to evacuate! I might do it if it looked real dire, but I have never done it yet.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#14
Sep 26, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
No I am saying that the general area where there would be heavy weather( not just landfall) was subject to computer models so that you could be reasonably confident in advance that it would hit the mid Atlantic states rather than So FL, etc. An earlier flight could have been booked, or train tickets or even Greyhound tickets earlier could have been obtained if driving was not an option. From a practical standpoint, LW was going to be hit by Irene, but the wedding was somewhere in the Midwest. LW would not have been traveling in the path of the primary storm, presumably she would have been traveling oblique to or even perpendicular to the computer modeled path.
I rely on Accuweather and Weather Underground (Wunderground)for the computer model simulations
I remember that hurricane and its path was predicted before it even hit NC. Also, if your house is going to flood ... the last thing you want to do is be there when it floods. There really isn't much you can do anyway, in the face of a flood. Also, unless you lived right next to the ocean, flooding wasn't a huge concern with that storm. It mostly affected immediate coastal areas. She's on the east coast, but that doesn't mean she lives right next to the ocean ... I live on the east coast too, but other than rain we didn't have any problems from it ... flights were probably cancelled, even by me, however.

In my assessment, the LW was kind of flippant and the bride was kind of over the top. It's probably a good thing they are no longer friends.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#15
Sep 26, 2013
 
LW2 - LW had missed otehr events and offered to step down as MOH, but bride didn't take her up on that... so <shrug>.... I dunno what to say. Part of me wants to chalk it up to momentary insanity to react so harshly, but since there was tension earlier and a response that the MOH was "planning all along" not to go because of a hurricane puts the over-reacting back on her side, IMO.

my knee-jerk response to the idea of being accused of not going all along because a hurricane hits would be somethign along the line of "yes, i planned a $15+B natural disaster that wiped out small island countries, killed many people and disabled many areas that aren't used to dealing with storms of this nature..." but then, i am cynical like that.

But really, if she treated you that way then and hasn't said anytihng since then, WTF are you trying to resurrect the dead?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Sep 26, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
I'd bet LW would not have a problem with a 48 year old man and a 26 year old woman.
You don't think this woman would be MORE likely to claim and old dude was being predatory with her daughter? I think she'd have more of a problem.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#17
Sep 26, 2013
 
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
But, even with your points, would you want to leave your home and family in that situation? I wouldn't. Heck, it would take a lot to even get me to evacuate! I might do it if it looked real dire, but I have never done it yet.
I was surprised to see Pellen seemingly validating the bride for being a bridezilla. You, Timmy, and Toj hit on most of the points that jumped into my head.

-You don't KNOW where the storm is going to make landfall.
-You don't KNOW ahead of time that the airport is going to shutdown.
-The wedding was on a weekend. I think its safe to say that lw's trip was probably planned for the weekend with minimal time off of work. Taking an earlier flight would mean more time off work. We don't all have the leeway to take more time off of work. Her vacation for the year might be already tapped out. I'm currently a contract employee. I don't go to work, I don't get paid. Taking time off from work would be costly to me.
-Leaving earlier means a longer stay at the hotel. Who's paying for that?
-Leaving earlier by train means someone's gotta buy train tickets. Do that on a concern that the airport MIGHT shut down? What happens if the airport doesn't? LW missed her flight cause she was on the train. Non-refundable airline tickets down the toilet.
-Driving out of town with an impending storm could lead to nothing but highway gridlock. During the 2004 season when 4 hurricanes hit Florida, my co-worker's wife had enough and decided to evacuate when the 3rd or 4th was on the way. She spent full day trying to get out of the state. From Orlando heading north. Cars were not moving. She eventually turned around and went back home. Don't think she ever made it to the state line.
-Does lw have kids or pets? Whatever arrangements she originally had for them would need to be altered. Person watching your dogs over the weekend might not be able to do so anymore because they're making preparations for the hurricane.
-Hurricane's coming? You got work to do. Gotta board up your windows. Secure all the loose crap in your yard so they don't become projectiles.
-If a hurricane's about to hit my house, unless there's a mandatory evacuation, I'm staying home to tend to any damage asap.

The questions about lw's specific situation could fill a book. Its not as simple as "just leave earlier".

According to Wikipedia, this was the 7th costliest storm in US history, and for the bridezilla to be so self-centered to accuse her of planning it? F her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#18
Sep 26, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I remember that hurricane and its path was predicted before it even hit NC. Also, if your house is going to flood ... the last thing you want to do is be there when it floods. There really isn't much you can do anyway, in the face of a flood. Also, unless you lived right next to the ocean, flooding wasn't a huge concern with that storm. It mostly affected immediate coastal areas. She's on the east coast, but that doesn't mean she lives right next to the ocean ... I live on the east coast too, but other than rain we didn't have any problems from it ... flights were probably cancelled, even by me, however.
In my assessment, the LW was kind of flippant and the bride was kind of over the top. It's probably a good thing they are no longer friends.
Hindsight is 20/20. You never KNOW what is going to happen. Hurricane Charlie hit Florida in 04. It was expected to hit the Tampa area. I knew someone who lived in an apartment there and decided to head a few hours south to Punta Gorda/Port Charlotte area. Charlie took a last minute turn and obliterated Punta Gorda. Tampa didn't get shit.

Same year, Hurricane Jean was coming toward Florida from the South east. Turned north before it got to Cuba, then turned back east headed out to the ocean...then said "Ha ha mother flucker fooled you!", and proceeded to make a U-turn and headed right back across Florida.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#19
Sep 26, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You don't think this woman would be MORE likely to claim and old dude was being predatory with her daughter? I think she'd have more of a problem.
LW 1 is DAD, not Mom! And yes, I think he'd react exactly that way.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#20
Sep 26, 2013
 
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
LW 1 is DAD, not Mom! And yes, I think he'd react exactly that way.
How did I miss that? that makes this guy even more nuts in my opinion.

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