“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 3, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am at the end of my rope. We have an 11-year-old son with ADHD who can be very challenging. When our son is being difficult my husband intimidates and antagonizes, yells obscenities and sometimes hits or kicks him unless I intervene.

Counseling has not helped because when the therapist tells him he needs to deal with his own issues he refuses to attend any more sessions.

On top of this stress, three years ago my husband decided to remodel our kitchen. Crowbar in hand, he also decided to remodel the two upstairs baths and the dining room at the same time -- no contractor, no plans, no timeline, no budget. We have had a barely usable kitchen for three years and the rest of the house is in various states of remodeling stagnation.

He doesn't want my help with any of this. He regularly overdraws our bank account paying for materials and tradesmen related to these projects. I have told my husband I cannot cope with both the stress of our son's issues and having the house in chaos. He thinks I am impatient and a nag.

I would divorce him, but I am concerned about what that would do to our son. Our house is in no condition to sell and divorce would be financially devastating. I am a teacher and my husband makes more than twice what I do.

Should I use the small inheritance I received, face my husband's wrath and hire a contractor to take over the remodel and end this chaos with the hope that this gets us back on track as a family? Or should I proceed directly to divorce and hope that having my son and me in a more peaceful environment will be worth the cost of losing our financial stability?-- Stressed Out

DEAR STRESSED OUT: Emptying your inheritance to complete this renovation will not really fix the problem because your sensitive husband would feel undermined and find another deep hole to dig for himself (although you should discuss this possible solution with him). He deals with his own anxieties and lack of control by creating chaos (has he been tested for ADHD?).

Most important is his treatment of his son. This is intolerable. You should pursue a trial separation, giving him a chance to complete the work on the house and you and your son a chance to see if daily life without this chaos is more beneficial for all of you.

DEAR AMY: You can't solve my problem, but I'd like your perspective.

My mother recently died, and my father would like to sell their townhouse.

My 58-year-old sister has lived with them for over 10 years. She is a (recovering) addict and works a full-time job but has never contributed financially. In fact, she has guilted them into paying for her to go on family vacations and for other bills.

My father has stated that after the sale of the townhouse he will have to find a place for her to live.

I am somewhat OK with this. I know that she probably would not be able to manage doing this on her own, but I'm disgusted and angry that she has manipulated this situation and that my father feels responsible for her.

Please insert a new perspective here.-- Saddened daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: Here goes: Aren't you thankful that you are a highly functioning adult? Don't you feel good about yourself that you are capable, that you make your own way in the world, and that you don't use and manipulate family members to get what you want?

That's my perspective. You win in the game of life.

DEAR AMY: I did not approve of your answer to "Bad Son," who was trying to juggle between his wife and mother on Mother's Day. It is called "Mother's Day" because you are supposed to celebrate your mother. Not your wife. You can do that any day.-- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Some readers agreed with you, but this is the essential problem with these special days: People run themselves ragged trying to celebrate everyone.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Jun 3, 2014
1- sad that a gainfully employed woman feels she can't support herself without a toxic man. Separation is a good idea, followed by divorce if hubby can't clean up his act

2- she's 58 and works full time. She can take care of herself. Your parents put themselves in this situation by enabling and supporting her all this time

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#3 Jun 3, 2014
1. Abby missed the mark. The core issue is she is iffy on the marriage, not the renovation. How about adult advice? Grow up, communicate clearly, get your son a safe place and make that priority number 1 in your life.

2. How about you communicate clearly with dad about this instead of grinding your teeth about it?

3. Girl stuff.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jun 3, 2014
1 What kind of an idiot are you? Get your kid out NOW! Kids learn what they live, show him a better way.

2 First world problems.

3 F* mothers day...Fathers day is coming up!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Jun 3, 2014
L1: Go to counselling for yourself. Get some self-esteem and leave this guy and give your son a safe, healthy place to live.

L2: It is your dad's money, your dad's time -- stay out of it. It's not your business.

L3: Think to yourself, if he died tomorrow would you still be thinking about the Mother's Day gift or birthday gift he forgot/didn't give you? What good qualities would you focus on that you would no longer enjoy from your son? People focus on the wrong stuff.(sigh)

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#6 Jun 3, 2014
L1. Phony letter. What kind of mental deficient can't figure out to get away from someone who behaves that way.

L2 and 3. Yawn.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#7 Jun 3, 2014
Glance into what L2 will not do:
(a) Respect her father's ability to take care of himself
(b) Respect her sister's ability to take care of herself
(c) Move the sister into her home and take care of her (Unless the
father pays her--a lot)
(d) See her sister through kinder eyes
(e) other

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Jun 3, 2014
L2. There is no indication that the 58 year old ex-addict can exist on her own. Even if she has the emotional and mental capability to do so, she does not have the experience.When Father dies, the problems with the sister will fall on LW. Look for Dad extracting a death bed promise from LW

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Jun 3, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
L1. Phony letter. What kind of mental deficient can't figure out to get away from someone who behaves that way.
.
What kind of person?Someone who feels emotionally stuck and overwhelmed at the possibility of handling an out of control kid with no back up, however low quality the support may be.

The father 's behavior looks a lot like his son's. I might opt for slipping some of that Adderall in Hubby's coffee and see what happens.
liner

Brooklyn, NY

#10 Jun 3, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
L1. Phony letter. What kind of mental deficient can't figure out to get away from someone who behaves that way.
L2 and 3. Yawn.
L1: Sadly, too many people are in that predicament.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#11 Jun 3, 2014
LW1: You need to remove your son from this hostile environment ASAP. Your son deserves better, and so do you. Move out. Go to the women's shelter temporarily if you have to. Tell your husband that you will not return unless he attends anger management classes and counseling. As far as selling the house, I have a friend who had to sell her house in the middle of a remodel due to unexpected financial hardship. It is possible. Don't drain your bank account.

LW2: Every addict needs an enabler or two and your sister found hers in your parents. This is not something you need to worry about, other than to hope that your sister continues to do well in recovery, because as PEllen suggests, she will be YOUR problem if she doesn't.

LW3: Team Toj. This is a Hallmark holiday anyway. How you treat people on a daily basis is what matters.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#12 Jun 3, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
What kind of person?Someone who feels emotionally stuck and overwhelmed at the possibility of handling an out of control kid with no back up, however low quality the support may be.
The father 's behavior looks a lot like his son's. I might opt for slipping some of that Adderall in Hubby's coffee and see what happens.
I'd opt for arsenic in his coffee. Still don't believe the letter is real.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#13 Jun 3, 2014
LW1: You seem to be *far* more bothered by your husband's ineffectual house remodeling than by the fact that your husband VERBALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSES YOUR SON.

JebusFC, LW---You are A MASSIVE POS. I cannot even begin to tell you what I wish for you...

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