“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 1, 2013
DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun -- so enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he's putting in overtime.

The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.

Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts?-- GOOD HOUSEWIFE IN UTAH

DEAR GOOD HOUSEWIFE: There's more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you're missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend just moved in, and we're going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.

I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that's tacky, but I think it's a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please?-- TOM AND NANCY IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM AND NANCY: Gladly. Charge for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, "bouncier" bed. We don't want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend?-- MR. ROMANCE IN OREGON

DEAR MR. ROMANCE: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you're training to join the circus.

DEAR ABBY: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument?-- MISS BLISS IN INDIANA

DEAR MISS BLISS: That's a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man dating a married woman. She's the love of my life. My girlfriend is sweet, kind, has a caring heart and is very much a lady.

We often sneak away for romantic weekends, where we laugh and enjoy being together and forget our daily routines. Sometimes I'll stop and watch her while she shops or talks to people and admire how beautiful she is. The twinkle in her eyes is as close as I can get to the stars in the sky. I adore her and plan to be with her for the rest of my life.

And one more thing: My girlfriend is also my bride of 40 years!-- ONE LUCKY GUY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LUCKY GUY: Normally I'd advise you to try to turn your wife into the love of your life, but you're ahead of me!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Apr 1, 2013
Even her April Fool letters are lame.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 1, 2013
Team PEllen

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Apr 1, 2013
I didn't even read. I just knew not to.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Apr 1, 2013
I think I'm going to puke.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Apr 1, 2013
squishymama wrote:
I think I'm going to puke.
Morning sickness?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Apr 1, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Morning sickness?
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!

No, nope, no way, no more babies!

It was that last letter; left me a little nauseous.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Apr 1, 2013
I think all of you could write better April Fools letters.

I'd love to read them if you write them.:D

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#9 Apr 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I didn't even read. I just knew not to.
You're smart.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Apr 1, 2013
Here's a good prank, back from my dad's days at the phone company in Iowa City (no he wasn't in on it but he got a good laugh over it). The local phone company issued a press release (so it got published in the paper as a sort of PSA) that they were going to be cleaning the phone lines blowing air to remove dust build-up so everyone should their phones in plastic bags so their homes wouldn't get assaulted with all that dust.

There was a run on "turkey bags" at the grocery and convenience stores that morning.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Apr 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Here's a good prank, back from my dad's days at the phone company in Iowa City (no he wasn't in on it but he got a good laugh over it). The local phone company issued a press release (so it got published in the paper as a sort of PSA) that they were going to be cleaning the phone lines blowing air to remove dust build-up so everyone should their phones in plastic bags so their homes wouldn't get assaulted with all that dust.
There was a run on "turkey bags" at the grocery and convenience stores that morning.
Hahahaha! Love it!
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#12 Apr 1, 2013
I'll post my favorite Classic Ann Landers column for a laugh.
----------

A couple sitting on their back porch, enjoying a lovely summer evening, were startled by bloodcurdling screams for help coming from their neighbors' home.

After dialing 911 and arming themselves with a baseball bat, the couple proceeded to their neighbors' house to assist in any way they could. As luck would have it, the front door was unlocked, so they walked right in. They followed the frantic calls for help to an upstairs bedroom, where they found the neighbor lady stark naked, tied hand and foot to her bed. On the floor lay her husband, unconscious, wearing a Batman cape and mask.

It became apparent that the couple was into both bondage and fantasies. Mr. Batman had attempted to leap from the dresser onto the bed. In the process, he bumped his head on the ceiling fan and went out like a light.

The next-door couple untied Mrs. Batman, revived Mr. Batman and took him to the hospital where he was treated for a superficial head injury and released. This certainly gives new meaning to the term "safe sex."
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#13 Apr 1, 2013
That's better than the one from the couple who
found a skunk in their feral cat trap.

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