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“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#1
Nov 28, 2012
 
Dear Abby: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19. We got married when she was 27. We have four kids from two previous marriages.

I am devastated. When I confronted her about it, she cried harder than I had ever seen. She said she was lost, and itís the biggest regret of her entire life.

I understand how hard it can be to tell someone you have done something like this. I havenít led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I canít get over this. I love my wife and donít want a divorce, but it haunts my every thought. We have had a great life and I trust her completely. What should I do to get over this?

Devastated in the U.S.A.

Dear Devastated: A giant step in the right direction would be to accept that you both had a history before you married each other. Then make a list of all the good things you have together, and forgive your wife for making some painful mistakes in the past that she was too ashamed to tell you. It certainly beats divorcing a woman you love over something she canít change. If that doesnít work, then youíd be wise to seek marriage counseling.

Dear Abby: My wife verbally abuses me constantly. We have an 11-month-old child, which is the only reason I tolerate it. While I try hard not to curse back, once in a while I end up doing so.

I have sought professional help to cope with her behavior, but the suggestions havenít helped much. The situation is becoming unbearable, and I donít see it changing any time soon. What should I do?

Unbearable in Virginia

Dear Unbearable: The suggestions havenít helped because you werenít the person who needed the professional help; your wife does. In a moment when she is calm, tell her that as much as you care about her and your child, you do not intend to spend the rest of your life being her verbal whipping boy, and if she doesnít get help for her anger issues, you will leave. If she refuses, you should follow through and make sure you get equal custody, if not more, because her volatility could be harmful to your child.

Dear Abby: We are a pair of senior citizens who are very much in love. We have a lot in common and enjoy our companionship. Marriage is not an option because of pensions, bank accounts and predetermined heirs ó you know the story.

We would like the whole world to know we are committed and devoted to each other. Would it be unusual, at this late stage, to become engaged with no intention of setting a wedding date?

Blissful in Florida

Dear Blissful: Rather than become engaged with no intention of formalizing your union, why not have a commitment ceremony and invite friends and family to celebrate your love for each other with you? Ask a member of the clergy to bless your union. Iím sure one would oblige, because it has been done before.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#2
Nov 28, 2012
 

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LW1: Geez, most guys I know would think that was hot. But clearly you don't, so you're going to have to find a way to let this go. Maybe confessing some of "things you never mention" will help you realize that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

LW2: You should take the kid and leave. Can you imagine the things she's gonna say to him/her when things go south?

LW3: Do whatever. Have fun picking out the rings.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

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#3
Nov 28, 2012
 
L1: I agree that she *should* have told you, probably when your relationship was considered serious but prior to being engaged, but you can't turn back the clock. Unless you think she's hiding/lying about other things, don't treat this as a deal-breaker.

L2: Yeah, the counseling should be for her. Was she like this before you married and reproduced with her or is it recent?

L3: Don't get engaged with no intention of getting married. I personally think a whole big commitment ceremony that *looks* like a wedding is over the top and will prompt you to answer why you're not ACTUALLY getting married a zillion times. Maybe a dinner with your families or something smaller scale.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#4
Nov 28, 2012
 
L1: Abby's right. Let it go. She doesn't sound like a woman keeping things from you other than this and it's understandable she couldn't bring herself to tell you.

L2: If she doesn't stop you need to get out of there pronto. Who needs that?

L3: I like the idea of a commitment ceremony.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#5
Nov 28, 2012
 

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1- Do your skeletons offset her skeletons? It's one thing to have a "past," but it's another thing to have made 20 porn movies.(And squishy, I don't think most men find anything "hot" about discovering they've married the townwhore.) You don't want a divorce but you can't get over this, so I see your conundrum. You're gonna HAVE to get over it if you don't want to divorce her. See if she'd be up for filming a porno where you have sex with a bunch of women.

2- Smack her.

3- Commitment ceremony, civil union, I'm sure we as a society can come up with SOMETHING to honor this type of non-marriage.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#7
Nov 28, 2012
 

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1 I'm with edog. This is a huge deal to most men. It'd be a deal-breaker for me. It's one thing to deal with your wife's sexual past, but this takes 'sexual past' to a whole new level.

2 What a prize you married...run.

3 Why the need to cry out from the rooftops that you love each other? Just live your lives and enjoy each other.
Community Disorganizer

Florham Park, NJ

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#8
Nov 28, 2012
 
LW 1: Was it 10 or 20? It might be good therapy for the both you and your wife, if you could post a link to a website that Abby and her followers could go to, to view the videos.

LW 2: Your wife sounds like a real ďBĒ! I would never advocate violence but would make an exception this time.

LW 3: Arrange to get caught having sex in a public place, that will get the message out.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

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#9
Nov 28, 2012
 

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1. Were you a virgin when you got married? Then STFU. And look at the bright side. Now you can ask her to do all those naughty things you were afraid to bring up. Get your freak on!

2. You tolerate it because of the child? You should stand up for yourself because of the child. Tell her if she doesn't get help you're out of there.

3. Why do you have to do anything? The people who matter will know what's up. Now back to your oatmeal.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#10
Nov 28, 2012
 

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I don't see how you could sit in judgement of any woman who made some pornos if you have watched even one minute of porn.

If you guys don't want women to be "townwhores" then stop watching it.
plumloco

United States

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#11
Nov 28, 2012
 

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LW1: Dude, if you have done "things that I would never mention" you're no angel either. I would love to know how you learned about this. Regardless, don't punish her for something she did when she was 19 that really has no bearing on your life/relationship today.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

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#12
Nov 28, 2012
 

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The issue with L1 is that filmed material stays around for a long time. There is always teh risk she will meet someone at your company picnic who recognizes her or the 8th grade boys will find an old VCR tape at a garage sale with Tommy's mom, etc.
So I agree that it is a big deal.. But if that is teh only thing in he rpast and there is nothing current then outside help will get you past this. I would probably be talking to groups who help prostitutes trasntion to private life- the problem seems the same

L3 I understand why LW3 will not formally remarry, but watch out in case some beenfits are lost if you are living as if married. That being said I go with Saluki Rod- just live and be happy and STFU

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#13
Nov 28, 2012
 

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squishymama wrote:
I don't see how you could sit in judgement of any woman who made some pornos if you have watched even one minute of porn.
If you guys don't want women to be "townwhores" then stop watching it.
Just because there might be some men who've watched even a minute of porn (are there men who even do that!? Glad I'm not one of them!), doesn't mean they want to bring the woman home to mother and marry her.

Since: Jan 10

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#14
Nov 28, 2012
 

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L1: I have no advice. I have no idea how I'd feel.

L2: "We have an 11-month-old child, which is the only reason I tolerate it." Wrong. That chidl is why you should NOT be tolerating it. If this behavior has only been since having a kid, get her to a doctor -- this could be related to the hormone mess that is post-partum depression. But if you have put up with this the whole time and STILL made a baby with her, give her an ultimatum: Either marriage counseling (which hopefully will lead her to get therapy on her own), or you're out.

L3: I'd consult a lawyer before doing any kind of commitment ceremony. YOu never know.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#15
Nov 28, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Just because there might be some men who've watched even a minute of porn (are there men who even do that!? Glad I'm not one of them!), doesn't mean they want to bring the woman home to mother and marry her.
Why not? I'm sure that women you have dated and slept with have slept with other men, so what's the problem?

Is it the filming of it that bothers you? Or that they've gotten paid to have sex?

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Nov 28, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
Dear Abby: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19.
Just curious as to how he discovered this.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#17
Nov 28, 2012
 
LW1: Team plumloco. Abby's answer was good, too. LW, yes you can get over this. 19-year-olds do a lot of foolish things, although I will grant you that making a series of porno films is extraordinary. What's done is done and you can't change the past. Focus on the love you have for your wife and your "great life" because that's all that really matters.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#18
Nov 28, 2012
 

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squishymama wrote:
I'm sure that women you have dated and slept with have slept with other men, so what's the problem?
Is it the filming of it that bothers you? Or that they've gotten paid to have sex?
Someone who's "slept with other men" and someone who's "gotten paid for making 20 porn films" are not in the same ballpark.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

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#19
Nov 28, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Someone who's "slept with other men" and someone who's "gotten paid for making 20 porn films" are not in the same ballpark.
Why not? There are women who have slept with hundreds of men, they just haven't been paid to have it put to film. Don't be bitter just because Madam Helga won't let you film her choking you while you wear a frilly dress.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#20
Nov 28, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Someone who's "slept with other men" and someone who's "gotten paid for making 20 porn films" are not in the same ballpark.
So if she did the exact same things with 20 other men, you'd be fine with that as long as she didn't get paid to do them?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#21
Nov 28, 2012
 

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squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
So if she did the exact same things with 20 other men, you'd be fine with that as long as she didn't get paid to do them?
Someone with that type of history would be a red flag anyway, but she made 20 porn FILMS, she could have been ganged in every one of them and been with hundreds of men.

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