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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Mar 26, 2013
DEAR ABBY: "Rita" and I have been together three years and are getting ready to make the final commitment of marriage. My problem is that she's a slob. Rita isn't a "hoarder," but she does things like take the plastic off a package and drop it on the floor.(Don't get me started on the mess she leaves in the bathroom.)

I love her and would be willing to have separate bathrooms if that's what it takes. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a house that looks the way hers does right now. The thought of raising kids in that kind of atmosphere chills me.

I'm no neat freak, but at least I put my trash in the wastebasket. Rita gets offended if I raise the issue. I have offered to help her clean her house, but I don't want to nag because her mother already does, and it makes Rita respond like a defiant child.

Have you any ideas about what I can do to keep our relationship -- and hopefully our future -- intact?-- WHATEVER RITA WANTS

DEAR WHATEVER: It appears your girlfriend wants to continue living exactly the way she is. Because she becomes defensive at the suggestion that she make a better effort, accept that you are not going to change her. She obviously has many good qualities or your relationship would not have made it this far.

There is help for people who are disorganized and sloppy, but only if they are willing to accept that they need it. Some people have successfully used a system originated by Marla Cilley, aka the FlyLady.("Fly" stands for "Finally Loving Yourself.") To find out more about her system, visit www.flylady.net and click on "Get Started."

DEAR ABBY: I'm stuck in a dead-end job that doesn't pay much money, so I have to rely on help from my parents. I'd like to return to school for my master's, but a lack of funds and mild depression keep pulling me back.

I told my mother about how I have been feeling, hoping for reassurance -- just a general, "Everything is going to get better." This is a woman who has longed for me to get married and have children, which I thought was no different than most mothers. I now realize I was wrong. Her motivation speech was: "You have always been beautiful and I want you to see it. Don't you know that you're good enough to become a rich man's wife?"

Now I realize that being a rich man's wife is what she always wanted for me. I always thought I could be more than that and support myself without the need of a man. I also believed I could one day be a writer.

Independence has always been important to me, and I would never marry unless I was. Now, however, my self-esteem is shot, and since I can't afford therapy, I feel my mother's plan is probably the only thing I can hope for. How can I improve my self-esteem so I can make the right decision?-- DEPRESSED IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR DEPRESSED: A good first step would be to stop listening to your mother. Live your own life, and now that you know what poor judgment she has, make your own decisions about the path you will follow.

A suggestion: Write the story down and be sure to mention how you persisted in spite of your mother's advice. You may find inspiration in your own words. And if it's published, so might others.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Mar 26, 2013
1 Things will only get worse. After your married she will get fat and still be a sloppy pig. Then come the little piglets....
Run boy, run fast and run far.

2 LOL, being independent is sooooo important that you will take money from your parents every month EVEN with a friggin college education! You wont marry unless your independent, which will never happen because you are in a dead end job, with depression, and cant get your masters.....
Please dont breed.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Mar 26, 2013
LW1: No way I'd move in with her. You'll grow to resent her.

LW2: "I feel my mother's plan is probably the only thing I can hope for. How can I improve my self"

Great. First thing you need to do is watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High. There's a scene in the lunch room with a carrot. Take notes. Next, head down to Sports Authority. There's a sale going on this week. You can get 2 for 1 on knee pads.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Mar 26, 2013
L1: If you two get married and move in together, you will hate her within six months. How about you just continue to date? Or do what Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter do -- they're married in connected, side-by-side row houses (so the kids have both mom and dad). They see each other all they want, but they also get their own space.

L2: whatever.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#5 Mar 26, 2013
L1: No way would I make it to relationship status with someone who drops trash on the floor. How did you?

L2: Your mom sucks. MY mom always told me that the most valuable thing is an education because no one can take it away from you, and never to depend on a man for anything.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 26, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L1: No way would I make it to relationship status with someone who drops trash on the floor. How did you?
Cause while dating, that bad habit really did not affect him. Not his house, so who cares.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#7 Mar 26, 2013
L1: Ha! Is this my future BIL writing in? Because it should be.

J and I use separate bathrooms, mostly because they're both quite small. I'm good with this and I am sure it's saved us a bit of drama.

Also, I did not know that about Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.

L2: Who the hell wants that for their daughters?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#8 Mar 26, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Cause while dating, that bad habit really did not affect him. Not his house, so who cares.
1. Did they not spend time at each other's houses? Even if it's not his house, he was still around it.

2. Does he not have any foresight to see that if the relationship progresses to marriage or living together, this IS going to affect HIS home?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 26, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
L2: Who the hell wants that for their daughters?
Basketball wives?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Mar 26, 2013
1- Don't marry a slob. You're gonna regret it.

2- What mother WOULDN'T want her precious to be a gold-digging trophy wife?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Mar 26, 2013
L1: If you can afford a good housekeeping help, go for it. You aren't going to change her, so you have to think whether or not you can change the situation and how you would go about that.

L2: I am curious as to how old this woman is in the letter. Not that it matters all that much, but please! Talk about dependency! She depends on her mother for her thoughts and her goals. Sad, really.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Mar 26, 2013
LW1: You need to be dealy serious with "Rita" about this. Sit her down and make her watch a couple of episoded of Hoarders. Explain that this is what you see in your future and it's not a future that you're interested in. She needs to show you NOW, before you live together that she will change her ways. If she can't, then you need to walk away.

LW2: With a mother like that, no wonder you're so f*cked up.

Stop listening (and taking money) from your mother. I promise, you'll start feeling much better.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Mar 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: If you can afford a good housekeeping help, go for it. You aren't going to change her, so you have to think whether or not you can change the situation and how you would go about that.
I think we had this convo, pre-toj. No way in hell I would consider that a viable solution. It would be one thing if both of them were so busy they could not keep up with general housework(laundry, dishes), but there ain't no damn way I'm throwing away good money because my other half is a friggin slob that just drops trash on the floor.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Mar 26, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I think we had this convo, pre-toj. No way in hell I would consider that a viable solution. It would be one thing if both of them were so busy they could not keep up with general housework(laundry, dishes), but there ain't no damn way I'm throwing away good money because my other half is a friggin slob that just drops trash on the floor.
Oh, I would not either. This guy seems like he would, though. I mean, he's good to go with the relationship except for this and seems to be looking for a solution. I don't think he wants to give her up.

I wouldn't stand for it either, so I hear ya!

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#15 Mar 26, 2013
1. This would not fly, and if you think this behaviour will not bleed over into other areas of her/your lives, you are kidding yourself.

2. Maybe mommy wants that for you because that would be the easiest hing for her.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#16 Mar 26, 2013
LW2 better be a visitor from southwestern Oklahoma trying to make Dallas look materialistic instead
of embarrassing her own state--and using a public wifi or computer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Mar 26, 2013
I'm a slob. I'll leave stuff lying on the floor. I don't care. No one's coming over for a while anyway. Before someone does, I"ll pick up. I focus more on keeping a clean toilet/tub/sink, and a clean kitchen/dishes for food preparation. And by clean, I mean CLEAN. I have used qtips to clean the screw holes that hold the toilet seat to the base of the toilet.

And I like my bed to be cat-hair free, so I change that stuff regularly.

Other than that, I have stuff lying around all over. Junk mail on the floor, etc. Heck, until I did my recycling last night, I had a few empty cardboard pop containers lying on the floor.

But when I had a roommate, I kept everything very neat and tidy. I did that for six months, and I wasn't this bad when I was married, because I wouldn't subject another person to living that way.

However, I doubt Rita would be able to switch gears.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Mar 26, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
1. This would not fly, and if you think this behaviour will not bleed over into other areas of her/your lives, you are kidding yourself.
Slobs lose track of things easily, so we misplace bills, we lose tools, so we have to go buy another tape measure (I need to do that soon, I really need one now), etc., because we can't find the crap we already own.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Mar 26, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
1. Did they not spend time at each other's houses? Even if it's not his house, he was still around it.
2. Does he not have any foresight to see that if the relationship progresses to marriage or living together, this IS going to affect HIS home?
I think you also have to consider the likelihood that people don't all enter into "relationships" with an eye on marriage. Whether a person is marriage material is not necessarily a consideration at the start of a relationship.

Is she hot? yes
Do we have a good time? yes
Do we have similar interests? Yes
Can she suck a golf ball thru a 30 foot garden hose? yes

I could easily see not giving a rat's ass about what her place looks like at the start of a relationship. Of course as time goes on and you begin to consider marrying her...
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#21 Mar 26, 2013
LW2 also has to think about whether they are going to have kids someday. First off, do you want your kids crawling around in a bunch of crap on the floor. And, beyond that, she is going to teach the kids that the behavior is acceptable. So, eventually the LW will be picking up after his wife AND the kids!

I have a relative like this and the kids walk in the house and drop the coats on the floor (the hook is right there), garbage lays around, etc. Those kids are going to have some hard habits to break.

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