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1 - 20 of 20 Comments Last updated Mar 6, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 5, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: I've been in a relationship with a basically good man (we're both in our 60s) for three years. We have many things in common and enjoy each other most of the time, but some of his behavior is very difficult and tiring to deal with.

If he makes a mistake of any sort, he becomes angry and often throws the offending item (never at me). He hates to admit he's done anything wrong and has lied numerous times.

At his place he keeps everything very neat. At my place he couldn't care less (although he will offer to help me when I ask him for assistance). We've had many conversations about his attitude and behavior, and he says he most certainly will take care of it. That lasts about two days.

He becomes so negative at times that it just wears me out. We've talked about that as well.

I'm really becoming so tired of it all, but I don't want to give up before asking your advice.

What am I missing here? Is there any hope that he will correct any of this?-- Very Tired

DEAR TIRED: Your account of this relationship is that your guy is negative, deficient, angry and inconsiderate. He is a project in need of constant correction, and then he is either too set in his ways or negligent to stay corrected.

It sounds like he is trying, but he just can't get there. You are locked in a ridiculous and exhausting dynamic with him. Not only is this not good for you, but imagine how he feels to be such a consistent disappointment (according to you).

If you want to stay in this relationship, your choices are to either accept his considerable flaws and go all in with him -- as is -- or draw up a short list of non-negotiables. Let him know what they are. And let all the other stuff go.

If someone throwing an object in anger is one of your non-negotiables (it would be on my list, unless said object is a basketball), then the next time this happens, you're done. If being lied to is on your list of non-negotiables (again, this would be on my list), and if you get lied to, then you're done. And you don't go back.

DEAR AMY: I have a daughter who is 26 years old. She has a 15-year-old sister from her mother (my ex-wife; we don't know who this girl's father is).

My daughter brought her sister home to stay with us because my ex-wife was very abusive to her. She now lives with me and my wife.

How do I present her to my friends and other people in our lives without calling her something made up, like "niece" or "stepdaughter," etc.?-- Wondering Un-Dad

DEAR UN-DAD: First of all, I give you so much credit for trying to be a hero to this teenager. I hope you will work hard to get your family any extra help you might need. If this girl has been living in a home so abusive that she needed to leave it, she would probably benefit from counseling -- privately and also with your family. Family counseling can help everyone learn to communicate through challenging situations.

You should introduce this girl by her name: "This is 'Tiffany,' she is 'Tasha's' sister, and she's living with us now."

People who know you will easily figure out what is what. People who don't know you well don't need to know the particulars of this girl's parentage, only that she is a part of your household.

DEAR AMY: "With Friends Like This" took issue with his politically conservative sisters, who rejected him because he is gay. Your response was so powerful. If everyone would adopt the practice of forgiving -- "forgiving someone does nothing to change the outcome but does everything to change how you feel" -- it would be a much more peaceful world. Thank you!-- A Fan

DEAR FAN: Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful force for healing and for spreading good in the world, and yet it is too seldom practiced. Thank you for the good word.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#2
Mar 5, 2014
 
2- "This is Tiffany, the love child of my s1utty ex."

3- Puke

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Mar 5, 2014
 

Judged:

1

1

1

1 He is being passive aggressive because you're a nag.

2 Amy gave the correct response.

3 He cant forgive, if he did that he could not look at them with disdain.
Besides, he is as much to blame as they.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#4
Mar 5, 2014
 
Team Race

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Mar 5, 2014
 
Yay Team!

I may be heading your way in the next few months. I am looking at a new boat and the closest dealer is in Tampa.
Stina2 wrote:
Team Race
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#6
Mar 5, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
2- "This is Tiffany, the love child of my s1utty ex."
Funny. Sort of. I don't usually go out of my way to get all the gossip on celebrities but sometimes we just have it forced in front of our eyes. I've never been a fan of Donald Trump et al but I did once hear an interview with his ex-wife Ivana. Around the time of their divorce, she said she did her best to prevent her kids from seeing all the bad stuff written about Donald because it might make them feel they are bad like him because he's their dad and half of what they are came from him. I felt respect for her on that count. Kids should not be made to feel "less" simply because they have bad parents. I don't think such an introduction would be kind to Tiffany. This girl has already had a bad deal in life. I like Amy's suggestion for introducing her.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#7
Mar 5, 2014
 
LW1: The guy is 60 years old and is probably not going to change. Factor that in and decide what you wanna do.

LW2: Just tell them itís your exís daughter and your daughterís half sister and mention how happy you are that she is staying with you to make her feel good, if she is around when you say that.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#8
Mar 5, 2014
 
1: It doesn't sound like this relationship has a future. You should both be on a basis of acquaintances or just friends not even close friends.

3: Have to agree with Race on this one. However, I don't fully understand about forgiveness since there are people who have done what I think are very bad things. I think I've forgiven them but know I simply don't want to be around them any more. I bear them no ill will but feel that I'm inviting more of the bad conduct if I have them in my home. I simply don't want to ever see them again and in regard to one particular person, I don't want him anywhere near my family and especially near my grandchildren.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#9
Mar 5, 2014
 
L1: Let me guess: by "basically good man" you mean financially stable and/or without a lot of family drama. If those things are top priority, then stop trying to change him and deal. Of having someone who is actually considerate toward you is more of a priority, go find one.

L2: It pains me to agree with Amy, but yeah.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#10
Mar 5, 2014
 
Oh Pukasaurous Rex! I agree with Amy on LWs 1 and 2.

LW3: Oh great, more puking.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#11
Mar 5, 2014
 

Judged:

1

Who wants to play "Glance into he Future" regarding "Tiffany"

She grew up and:
(a) got a scholarship to an out of state college in psychology and
became a cousellor for neglected children.
(b) joined the service and volunteered to go to as many overseas assignments as possible.
(c) married a nice man and decided to become a middle school math
teacher.
(d) became a nun
or
(e) other
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#12
Mar 5, 2014
 
1: Ah, I remember being a nubile little lass, dreaming of her future hubby, praying to God, "Please give me a guy who is basically good with whom I get along with most of the time."

Idiot. Life is too short for these messes!

2: I'm giving kudos to the wife of lw!

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#13
Mar 5, 2014
 
LW2 - Why not "Stepdaughter"? Maybe not exactly technically correct, but close.

That's what we've always done in our family. Granted, we may be exceptional in that all our "ex-" relationships have been cordial & friendly, but why not? I just figured a long time ago that our "steps" run both ways!

My 2 younger girls, the children of my 2nd marriage, always considered my first husband - their older sister Meg's dad - their stepfather and introduced him as such (and they addressed him as Uncle Butch.) Same with Keith's first wife Deb, who was the Mom of his 3 sons, who are my stepsons. She was the girls' stepmother and was addressed as Aunt Deb.

Now, Deb had a younger daughter KeKe by her 2nd husband - and Keith absolutely considers her to be his stepdaughter (as do I especially now that Deb is deceased.) Butch never had any more children after our divorce, but if he had I would have loved them (they'd have been Meg's siblings, after all!) & welcomed them into our crazy extended blended family!

I actually wrote to 2 columnists back in the Snail-Mail days (Original Abby and Miss Manners, IIRC) but never got any answer as to what, exactly, relation Butch & Deb were to my younger kids - stepparents? total strangers? something else? Surely we CAN'T be the only blended bunch that ever wondered this (as LW 2 proves.)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#14
Mar 6, 2014
 
Ouch! My brain hurts.
Your family tree is like a game of Twister!
VAdame wrote:
LW2 - Why not "Stepdaughter"? Maybe not exactly technically correct, but close.
That's what we've always done in our family. Granted, we may be exceptional in that all our "ex-" relationships have been cordial & friendly, but why not? I just figured a long time ago that our "steps" run both ways!
My 2 younger girls, the children of my 2nd marriage, always considered my first husband - their older sister Meg's dad - their stepfather and introduced him as such (and they addressed him as Uncle Butch.) Same with Keith's first wife Deb, who was the Mom of his 3 sons, who are my stepsons. She was the girls' stepmother and was addressed as Aunt Deb.
Now, Deb had a younger daughter KeKe by her 2nd husband - and Keith absolutely considers her to be his stepdaughter (as do I especially now that Deb is deceased.) Butch never had any more children after our divorce, but if he had I would have loved them (they'd have been Meg's siblings, after all!) & welcomed them into our crazy extended blended family!
I actually wrote to 2 columnists back in the Snail-Mail days (Original Abby and Miss Manners, IIRC) but never got any answer as to what, exactly, relation Butch & Deb were to my younger kids - stepparents? total strangers? something else? Surely we CAN'T be the only blended bunch that ever wondered this (as LW 2 proves.)

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#15
Mar 6, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
Yay Team!
I may be heading your way in the next few months. I am looking at a new boat and the closest dealer is in Tampa.
<quoted text>
Cool! Le us know!!!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#16
Mar 6, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
Ouch! My brain hurts.
Your family tree is like a game of Twister!
<quoted text>
I need a diagram. I tried to keep up but I just couldn't...

I love the fact, however, that her family is so open-hearted.
blunt advice

Newark, NJ

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#17
Mar 6, 2014
 

Judged:

1

1. You can't change him. So move on.

2. This is Tiffany who has joined our family. Stepdaughter or honorary daughter could work also. How about asking Tiffany what she would like to be?

Original lw had family members who were anti gay, and politically and religiously conservative. But he also had some very strong political and anti religious views and created a toxic scenario at family get togethers. If their views bother him that much then don't see them except when you absolutely have to.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#18
Mar 6, 2014
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
I need a diagram. I tried to keep up but I just couldn't...
I love the fact, however, that her family is so open-hearted.
Hey Squishy- I sent you an email the other day.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#19
Mar 6, 2014
 

Judged:

1

VAdame wrote:
LW2 - Why not "Stepdaughter"? Maybe not exactly technically correct, but close.
That's what we've always done in our family. Granted, we may be exceptional in that all our "ex-" relationships have been cordial & friendly, but why not? I just figured a long time ago that our "steps" run both ways!
My 2 younger girls, the children of my 2nd marriage, always considered my first husband - their older sister Meg's dad - their stepfather and introduced him as such (and they addressed him as Uncle Butch.) Same with Keith's first wife Deb, who was the Mom of his 3 sons, who are my stepsons. She was the girls' stepmother and was addressed as Aunt Deb.
Now, Deb had a younger daughter KeKe by her 2nd husband - and Keith absolutely considers her to be his stepdaughter (as do I especially now that Deb is deceased.) Butch never had any more children after our divorce, but if he had I would have loved them (they'd have been Meg's siblings, after all!) & welcomed them into our crazy extended blended family!
I actually wrote to 2 columnists back in the Snail-Mail days (Original Abby and Miss Manners, IIRC) but never got any answer as to what, exactly, relation Butch & Deb were to my younger kids - stepparents? total strangers? something else? Surely we CAN'T be the only blended bunch that ever wondered this (as LW 2 proves.)
This is Tiffany. She's Brittany's sister- she's family

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#20
Mar 6, 2014
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey Squishy- I sent you an email the other day.
I got it and will reply shortly.

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