“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 18, 2013
DEAR ABBY: We have a grown son who is married with his own family and home.
He and his wife have jobs. My husband and I are semiretired -- not rich, but we live comfortably. Our credit score is great.

My son wants us to co-sign a loan for him. I know his credit is not good because I get phone calls from collection agents looking for him. We really don't want to co-sign.

How do I explain this to him? I feel that because I'm his mother it obligates me. I am also afraid he will stop letting us see the grandkids if I refuse.-- SCARED OF THE DOTTED LINE

DEAR SCARED: Since debt collectors are calling because your son isn't paying his bills, do not co-sign for a loan for him! If you do, you could wind up having to pay it off yourselves.

Your son is an adult. That you are his mother does not obligate you to assume responsibility in case he doesn't pay his bills. If he retaliates by not allowing you to see the grandkids, so be it. If you knuckle under to emotional blackmail, it won't stop, and it could affect your standard of living for the rest of your lives.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in high school and my daddy just passed away. I want to know why I have so much anger and hurt about this. I feel like he never got to see me reach any of my goals in life. The main goal was to see my graduation.

What is the best way I can get my mind off this?-- YOUNG GIRL IN ALABAMA

DEAR YOUNG GIRL: I am sorry for your loss, which is a particularly difficult one at your age.

It's important that you understand the feelings you are experiencing are normal. Anger is a part of the grieving process, and it may take some time for you to get beyond it.

The best way to "get your mind off this" would be to find a safe place to talk about it. A grief support group would be helpful. Your clergyperson could help you find one and so could your family doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Appreciative in Hitchcock, Texas" (June 17) about the importance of sending thank-you notes.

Maybe this will help others: When our three children were young, we had a "note rule." When they received a present, they had five days to write the note. If written within two days, the note only had to be three lines long. On the third day, it was four lines. On the fourth day, five lines. On the fifth day -- the gift went to charity!

None of them ever complained about doing their notes, and it became a habit while growing up. We were proud of each of them when their wedding thank-yous were out within a week!-- STRICT PARENTS IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR STRICT PARENTS: Good for you! You taught your children that there were consequences for shirking responsibility. That's an important lesson because the same is true when they become adults.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering, do you ever read a letter and say to yourself, "If this is all you have to worry about, you're lucky"?-- JEFF IN FORT MCCOY, FLA.

DEAR JEFF: No. I have more respect for my readers than that. However, many people have written me to say that after reading the letters that appear in my column, they felt lucky!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#2 Jul 18, 2013
LW1: Do what you wish. He's a grown man and not entitled to anything.

LW3: "And on day six they got sent to the sweat box and had a finger nail pulled out!!!"

Signed,

Thank You Note Nazi.

LW4: I think it's more like "if you are worried about this petty issue, you are a dumba$s."
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Jul 18, 2013
LW1 - "We really do not want to co-sign. You, DS, have a history of not paying your bills and debts. If we co-sign, and you - yet again - fail to keep up with the payments, we'll be legally stuck with paying your debt. We cannot afford to do so. Our firm rule is NOT to take on a debt we cannot afford to pay back, and we cannot afford to pay this one. We, therefore, will not co-sign." Repeat as needed.

LW2 - See the school counselor. Talk to your mom about seeing a grief counselor. Hang on in there in the meantime.

LW3 - BOOOOOOOOOOORING.

LW4 - Sure she does, but she can't admit to it in press. That is why she probably answers only a small percentage of letters.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jul 18, 2013
1 What a cruel mother you are! You should do all you can to help your fledgling sons and his family to survive! You are obviously a poor parenting model to have raised such a fiscally irresponsible child.

2 Anger is normal, find a place to scream at the gods. It helps.

3 team Cass

4 Yes Jeff, to letters like yours.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jul 18, 2013
L1: don't do it. Once you cosign, you are on the hook. Your son is a deadbeat. Don't let it ruin your credit or your retirement.

L3: YOu sound horrid.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#6 Jul 18, 2013
LW1 can also ask that son what part of "no" he does not understand. Remind him, too, that once those grand children are old enough to drive themselves to her house they are welcome to see her and their grandfather any time they want to.

In loving memory of her father, LW2 can also lend a hand in an area that meant something to him.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Jul 18, 2013
L1: You're asking Abby how to have a conversation with your own son? Are you the same LW as Amy's L1?

L2: Yeah, counseling.

L3: LOL @ Sublime.

L4: <snort> Constantly.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Jul 18, 2013
LW1: "I am also afraid he will stop letting us see the grandkids if I refuse."

What kind of spiteful ahole did you raise? Don't co-sign the loan and call his bluff on the grandbabies.

LW2: Your feelings are totally normal, but don't let them derail you from the goal you wanted your father to see. Keep studying and graduate HS at the top of your class.

LW3: I have this urge to fold your thank you note until it's all sharp little corners and shove it somewhere in your body that will make you very uncomfortable.

LW4: Only on stupid letters like yours.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Jul 18, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: "I am also afraid he will stop letting us see the grandkids if I refuse."
What kind of spiteful ahole did you raise? Don't co-sign the loan and call his bluff on the grandbabies.
Someone that broke won't turn down free babysitting.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Jul 18, 2013
Team squishy today!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jul 18, 2013
I have written before that my mother was and is not good with money. When I was about 9 or 10 , all 5 of us were is a one bedroom apartment. My parents had an opportunity to buy an apartment in a co-op. They counted on my paternal grandparents for financial help which was not given, I suspect for similar reasons.

If I remember the incident after all this time, it must have been tumultuous.

After that there was coolness between my mother and that side of the family. However, the grandparents lived within a couple blocks of each other and me and at least my brother were over there pretty much as much as we wanted. If they were not so physically close, it is hard to say whether my mother's roadblocks would have been effective.

So- LW1 is probably right to be concerned about the grandkids but cellphones, Facebook can do a lot .

Bottom line. Don't lend the money.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#12 Jul 18, 2013
1: "Son, due to the economy, we have to let you go."

2: You're normal kid. Find someone to talk to about your loss.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Jul 18, 2013
HA!
Saluki Rod wrote:
1: "Son, due to the economy, we have to let you go."

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#14 Jul 18, 2013
Team Cass!

LW1: Exactly how much money are we talking about? Do NOT co-sign for any loan if you would not be comfortable making the payments yourself, because that is always possible.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 Jul 18, 2013
2- This is why it's best not to have any goals. At least your daddy won't be around to see you get knocked up by your unemployed, pot smoking boyfriend.

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