“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 19, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and in jail. My ex-girlfriend recently had a baby. I left her during her pregnancy. We had been together for two years, but things just weren't working.

I told her I still wanted to be in my daughter's life after she had the baby, but she left and went to North Carolina. After I was incarcerated, I lost contact with her. She said I can be a part of my daughter's life only if we have a family and get back together.

I'm willing to do that, but I won't be out of jail for five more months, and I have no way to contact her. How do I go about it, Abby?-- LOVES MY BABY GIRL

DEAR LOVES: When your ex said what she did, she was using the baby to manipulate you into doing what she wanted. Because your relationship "wasn't working," I would caution you against having any more children with her.

When you are released, she may come after you for child support, or if she applies for benefits in North Carolina, the state may do that. That would be one way of pinpointing where she is. You could also search for her online. However, if you can't locate her any other way, you may have to hire a private detective when you can afford one.

DEAR ABBY: My kindhearted, loving mother-in-law would do anything for me. She has lived in an in-law apartment attached to our home for 20 years. She and my father-in-law -- God rest his soul -- were a huge help when our children were growing up.

The kids are gone now, and my husband and I would like to sell our home and move to something smaller. Would it be awful of us to make her move? She is 88. She has a loud and adamant-sounding voice, so it would not be in our best interest to have her move with us.-- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Yes, it would be awful. It almost appears you took advantage of her for baby-sitting purposes, but now that the children are grown, she is no longer useful. Her voice didn't bother you before, so why does it now?

While it may not be "in your interest" to have her move with you, it may be extremely difficult for her to adjust to a new living situation at her age. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When your children see that you think this is an acceptable way to treat someone, the same thing could happen to you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently told my mother that I am transgender, male to female. She is supportive and urged me to come out to my father. Abby, he doesn't believe me!

I knew I was a girl at the age of 4, but kept it to myself until I was 16. How can I get my father to believe me? And how do I get my friends to understand when I come out to them?-- NEEDS HELP IN MISSOURI

DEAR NEEDS HELP: It may take time for your father to accept that you are transgender, or even to learn what that really means. Please remember that you do not have to "sell" this idea to your friends. As time passes, they will understand as you start living as a female and begin taking hormones.

An organization called PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a source of reliable information and support for you, your friends and family members who are interested in learning about these issues. You can find it online at pflag.org .

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Oct 19, 2013
1- Did Abby just tell this guy to stalk his ex?

2- "an in-law apartment attached to our home"

Is that a fancy way of saying she lived in the garage?

3- Have sex with a hairy, sweaty, fat man, let mechanics overcharge you, get passed over for promotions and make less than your coworkers, THEN decide if you really want to be a girl.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#3 Oct 19, 2013
L1: "Come after you" for child support? How about her seeking his share of support of his child? He'll know where she is then. On the flipside, this woman/girl should not/cannot cut the father out of her child's life if he pursues it. We don't know why he's in jail, perhaps it wouldn't have any bearing on the child. He might be a great dad. Wish I had more info. He should go through the court system to secure his rights to his child and, yes, he'll have to find her to serve her. Perhaps hire a private investigator.

L2: My aunt had an apartment attached to her home for my grandmother. It's difficult b/c every decision has to take that into account -- but you need to do it -- take the grandmother into account -- to be a person who is considerate, human and someone with feelings.

L3: The father probably needs more time. You have your child and you envision what you want them to have for their life. It does take time to realize it's their life and not your vision they have to live.
pde

Gilberts, IL

#4 Oct 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Is that a fancy way of saying she lived in the garage?
You haven't seen houses with inlaw apartments? About half the older homes we have looked at out in Washington state have them, generally a finished basement level with a bedroom, bathroom, and small kitchen.

One of the houses my parents owned when I was a kid had one as well: the house was a tri-level and from the front entry way you could either go up five steps to the main living level or straight on the ground floor level into the inlaw apartment. In that house, it had a sitting room, bedroom, full bath, and small kitchen.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Oct 19, 2013
LW1 - WHA-? Team dog here: Abby just told the guy to basically stalk his exGF.

LW2 - WHA-? She is bloody 88! No, it's not awful to move apart. Find her a good independent/assisted living situation close to where you are moving. She will probably need it sooner rather than later anyway. At 88, I am surprised she doesn't need it already.

LW3 - PFLAG.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#6 Oct 19, 2013
L2...Dog, you do jest..,,of course there are MIL apartments connected to homes. my mom and stepdad had one for his mom until she passed. then they moved to Vegas. Very common in AZ, also.
I agree that if they really have to move MIL would be better off in assisted living. But if they don't have to move they might as well stay until she passes and maybe use social services for some help.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#7 Oct 19, 2013
pde wrote:
You haven't seen houses with inlaw apartments?
No.
dahgts wrote:
L2...Dog, you do jest..,,of course there are MIL apartments connected to homes.
If you guys say so. I've never seen nor heard of such a thing.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 Oct 19, 2013
LW1: If the ex-girlfriend has found her self-esteem and acquired some common sense, she will not want to reconcile with someone who left her during her pregnancy and subsequently became incarcerated. LW needs to focus on getting his life together and not doing the kind of things for which you can go to jail. He needs to put together a life plan that will allow him to support his child and become a positive influence in her life. Then he can get an attorney and request visitation.

LW2: You had to ask if that would be awful? Old people generally don't like to move, period. If you really want a smaller place, find a smaller place with in-law quarters. They do exist.

LW3: Team edog. Just kidding, but there was a lot of truth in that... Team Toj.
pde

Gilberts, IL

#9 Oct 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
No.
<quoted text>
If you guys say so. I've never seen nor heard of such a thing.
See, I've come to the conclusion that the standard split level house from the 1960s/1970s was all about being able to include an inlaw apartment.(I have seen way too darn many of these recently, the Seattle area is absolutely rotten with them.) Even if the inlaw apartment wasn't included by default, the down level was set up to be finished as an inlaw apartment.

(In a standard split level, you enter kind of on a "middle" area which is a landing with a half flight up or a half flight down. Up, you find a living level with living room, kitchen, dinette, master suite and two small bedrooms. Down was typically unfinished back in 1960s/1970s but are now generally finished to either an inlaw apartment or great room/laundry/guest bedroom/bath. I don't want an inlaw apartment. I have told the husband that if we decide on one which includes one, the second kitchen is being torn out ASAP because I don't want anyone getting any ideas. And the second kitchen is usually a gross mess anyhow.)
pelly

Prairie Du Sac, WI

#10 Oct 19, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: If the ex-girlfriend has found her self-esteem and acquired some common sense, she will not want to reconcile with someone who left her during her pregnancy and subsequently became incarcerated. LW needs to focus on getting his life together and not doing the kind of things for which you can go to jail. He needs to put together a life plan that will allow him to support his child and become a positive influence in her life. Then he can get an attorney and request visitation.
LW2: You had to ask if that would be awful? Old people generally don't like to move, period. If you really want a smaller place, find a smaller place with in-law quarters. They do exist.
LW3: Team edog. Just kidding, but there was a lot of truth in that... Team Toj.
In IL, if LW did not have an excuse or make an effort to make contact with the baby for 60 days after birth, the mom could terminate his parental rights. Not sure how it works with guys in jail. I also think that under those circumstances, DNA might not matter.

And yes, Abby suggested stalking the gf.

LW2. They are not that common in the north suburbs although they are around. I wonder if the prevalence of in law apartments might be geographical

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#11 Oct 19, 2013
LW1 - The ex-girlfriend does not want a loser in her child's life. That is why she moved and left no forwarding address.

LW2 - Unless there is a very pressing reason to move, just stay put and let the MIL live in the place she has been for all those years when you were using her. Soon enough she will have to go to a more assisted living place. Until then, let the poor woman be.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#12 Oct 19, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
LW2 - Unless there is a very pressing reason to move, just stay put and let the MIL live in the place she has been for all those years when you were using her. Soon enough she will have to go to a more assisted living place. Until then, let the poor woman be.
Some older folks are amazingly resistant to any kind of assisted living. She may be of the mind that since she helped them when the kids were growing up, they have to take care of her until she dies, no matter what. Who knows? She might live another 10 years or even more. That's a long time to keep a house you no longer want or maybe even can't keep up. It doesn't sound like the LW and hubby are spring chickens either. They very well may be in their 60s.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Oct 19, 2013
pelly wrote:
<quoted text>
LW2. They are not that common in the north suburbs although they are around. I wonder if the prevalence of in law apartments might be geographical
Some of the in-law houses that I've seen are add-ons. You need a large lot and a building permit. Maybe the city is stingy with building permits.

We have "patio homes" here and I don't see them in other cities, either.(They're basically 2-story duplexes.) I'm guessing that a particular developer sold the city on the idea.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#14 Oct 21, 2013
LW2: I do think that moving would be awful unless absolutely necessry. It is like they used the MIL. Plus, not every old person, is "old". And they all don't need to be in a home or anything. My grandaparent lived on their own till a ripe old age, then moved in with my folks the last couple of years (my dad turned the screened-in porch into a real, large closed-in room with a sleeping area and TV area). My parents would HATE to be in a home, too. I would only do that if I had to for their health and well-being.

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