Comments
1 - 19 of 19 Comments Last updated Dec 28, 2012

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Dec 27, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: How can I set healthy boundaries with my best friend without feeling guilty? I have always been supportive and available because I sympathized with her difficult family dynamics during childhood and adulthood. She often talks to me about her problems with family and ever-changing relationships with men, but rarely allows me or others to share their points of view or personal concerns. Saying "no" to her is challenging under any circumstance, and she demands that all focus be on her in social situations.

I love and accept my friend as she is, and I try to give her all the grace I have. I now realize that setting healthy boundaries is the only way I can sustain our friendship. I know this dynamic may put a strain on our relationship, so why do I feel so guilty?-- TESTED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TESTED: That's a good question, and one that I can't definitively answer for you. It's possible that like many women, you were raised to believe that if you assert yourself you won't be considered "nice." That's a mistake because as long as you allow this friend to take advantage of you -- and that is what she's doing -- the more your resentment will build until the relationship becomes one of diminishing returns. So tell this self-centered person as nicely as possible that you are not a therapist, and because her problems persist, she should talk to one.

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked the other day when a friend of mine said that many women remain in terrible marriages because of finances. She said those types of marriages are accepted worldwide, so why not in America? She also said she thinks that shame is attached if a woman admits the only reason she is staying with her husband is a monetary one.

The women she was talking about are baby boomers and older. After thinking about it, I remember my mother and mother-in-law saying that money was why they remained in their marriages. Is this as prevalent as my friend stated? I find it sad that this could be true. It reminds me of the Tina Turner song -- what's love got to do with it? Could you comment, please?-- IN IT FOR LOVE

DEAR IN IT: If you're asking if I have statistics on the number of women who stay married only for economic reasons, the answer is no. Most of the people who write to me are unhappy, which would skew the numbers in a negative direction.

I hope you realize that the women you have described -- an older demographic -- were probably not economically independent when they married. It was common in their generation to go straight from their parents' houses to their husbands'. For many years I -- and my mother before me -- have urged women to make sure they are self-supporting before they marry, "just in case" they may have to be afterward.

Staying in a marriage without love is like serving a life sentence with an incompatible cellmate. Your mother and mother-in-law have my sympathy, and so do their husbands.

DEAR ABBY: Do you ever get tired of giving advice to people who ask commonsense questions, or those who probably know the answer to their problems if they just thought it out?-- JIM IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR JIM: The answer to your question is no. I love what I do and consider it an honor to be trusted. While the reply to a question may be obvious to you, it isn't to the person who asks me. Common sense tends to go out the window when there are strong emotions involved.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Dec 27, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

L1: I didn't write this one, I promise... but I could have. ;)

L2: So you're pondering a problem that exists in society but you don't actually have?

L3: Heh.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Dec 27, 2012
 
1- People should be able to have a frank discussion with their friends and/or family.

2- I don't believe it's just the older generation. With the economy and housing markets the way they are? I wouldn't be surprised if many of the younger generation also live this way. Nowadays, love is really irrelevant when it comes to relationships.

3- Ever get tired of making a living by giving crappy, common sense advice? Nah.
RACE

Fort Lauderdale, FL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Dec 27, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1 If you assert yourself, your friend will not think your nice, so be careful what you say.

2 Thats why its cheaper to rent than own.

3 mutt too my answer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Dec 27, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

L1: "she demands that all focus be on her in social situations." No example? I can't imagine someone like that having any friends at all.

L2: I'm sure the same is true of men.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Dec 27, 2012
 

Judged:

1

LW2: "Is this as prevalent as my friend stated? I find it sad that this could be true."

Are you really that naive? How old are you? Has your life been a fairy tale thus far?

LW3:
"DEAR JIM: The answer to your question is no. I love what I do and consider it an honor to be trusted. "

What she meant was, "I love getting nice softball questions that I can answwer for the millionth time and get paid."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Dec 27, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: I'm sure the same is true of men.
Agreed.

Any hot, young, financially stable single ladies out there who need a worthless, pathetic, mentally stunted but okay looking man around the house?

Call me

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Dec 27, 2012
 
LW1: I like how Abby didn't really give any helpful advice.

LW2: Why in the hell are you worrying about this? Couldn't you focus your energies on something more worthy? Like world hunger or global warming? You could maybe *do* something about those. <eyeroll>

LW3: Who wouldn't love getting paid for doing very little actual work?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Dec 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
L1: I didn't write this one, I promise... but I could have. ;)
So, since Abby didn't give any practical advice, what you would tell the LW?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Dec 27, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
So, since Abby didn't give any practical advice, what you would tell the LW?
Constantly interupt her when she starts droning on about her problems. Start talking about something else as if she was not even talking. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Dec 27, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
So, since Abby didn't give any practical advice, what you would tell the LW?
I agree with Tonka; change the subject. If it's a good enough friend, be honest and tell her it's exhausting to listen to the same issues over and over when the advice you're trying to give goes unheeded (or I guess unheard because the LW says the friend cuts her off when she tries to speak). "I don't know what else to say, I can't help you." The one thing Abby did say is to suggest a therapist, which is decent advice if it's a close enough friend.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Dec 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree with Tonka; change the subject. If it's a good enough friend, be honest and tell her it's exhausting to listen to the same issues over and over when the advice you're trying to give goes unheeded (or I guess unheard because the LW says the friend cuts her off when she tries to speak). "I don't know what else to say, I can't help you." The one thing Abby did say is to suggest a therapist, which is decent advice if it's a close enough friend.
Honestly, the LW sounds like such a doormat that even this will be hard for her. She can't handle the guilt associated with putting her needs first.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#13
Dec 27, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Honestly, the LW sounds like such a doormat that even this will be hard for her. She can't handle the guilt associated with putting her needs first.
I was like that until a few days ago. It feels so good to be free.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#14
Dec 27, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Constantly interupt her when she starts droning on about her problems. Start talking about something else as if she was not even talking. Lather, rinse, repeat.
ITA. My bad habit of interrupting got cured within perhaps TWO times of friends continuing to talk -- louder, pointedly -- when I interrupted them.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Dec 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
L1: I didn't write this one, I promise... but I could have. ;)
Me, neither, but it could have been me as well. ;-O
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Dec 27, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

LW2: I have always been proudly financially independent. I cannot relate to women, particularly very young women, who want or expect a man to take care of them financially. Wise up, women. Get a job or at least some marketable job skills. You will need them sooner or later. As my mother always said, "The world doesn't owe you a living."

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Dec 27, 2012
 
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: I have always been proudly financially independent. I cannot relate to women, particularly very young women, who want or expect a man to take care of them financially. Wise up, women. Get a job or at least some marketable job skills. You will need them sooner or later. As my mother always said, "The world doesn't owe you a living."
My mother always said "don't be dependent on a man" and "education is the one thing no one can ever take away from you."
Julie

Skokie, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Dec 27, 2012
 
LW2: "I was shocked the other day when a friend of mine said that many women remain in terrible marriages because of finances...After thinking about it, I remember my mother and mother-in-law saying that money was why they remained in their marriages. Is this as prevalent as my friend stated?'

Jesus, you're incredibly stupid.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#20
Dec 28, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
My mother always said "don't be dependent on a man" and "education is the one thing no one can ever take away from you."
I wish that all mothers would teach this to their daughters.

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

51 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
IL Who do you support for U.S. Senate in Illinois ... (Oct '10) 3 min Nono 6,592
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 5 min sonicfilter 1,084,498
IL Who do you support for Secretary of State in Il... (Oct '10) 6 min Chicagobunny 528
IL Illinois Governor Recall Amendment (Oct '10) 7 min Duck Hook 1,880
White house down 20 min Anonymous 1
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... 22 min Jacques from Ottawa 1
More Violence in Chicago in a Violence Filled C... 24 min hands on AR 4
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 6 hr LRS 175,239
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 19 hr RACE 97,585
•••
•••
•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••