edogxxx

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 23, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how you can help me, but I'd appreciate some input. I'm in my 50s and retired from the military.

As a young man, I was so shy I couldn't speak to girls. I joined the military early and came out of my shell, but the demands of military life made it hard for me to meet or date anyone. Most of my adult life in the service has been spent taking care of soldiers' emotional, financial and professional needs so they could do their jobs.

I can't seem to convince women to date me. They say I "have no relationship history" so I don't know how to compromise or share. I can change my wardrobe, I can lose some weight, but I can't change my "history." What on earth do I say or do to convince women (both online and offline) to take a chance with me? I just want a chance to meet a special someone. Please help me.-- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are the second longtime bachelor who has asked me this question in the last several weeks! I don't know what pop psychologist came up with the thesis that never-married men are to be avoided. If anything, your letter shows how dangerous it is to make blanket generalizations.

A man like you has much to offer. You are stable, have no bitter ex-wives who will interfere in a relationship, no children who are still trying to "find" themselves or tell you they hate your lady friends, and no alimony. I assume you are financially secure, and after a life in the military, have taken care of yourself physically.

Perhaps you should mention this to the next woman who tells you she doesn't want to date you because you have no "history." You should not hesitate to post your single status on your profile. Intelligent women will want to meet you, get to know you, and be willing to help you create a history together. And those women who aren't willing aren't worth your time.

DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Kevin," and I have been together for 12 years. Although we have a close and loving relationship, one major sticking point has dogged us from early on.

I am 19 years younger than Kevin and very outgoing. I enjoy spending time with friends and socializing. I understand that when one is in a relationship, time spent with friends is reduced. However, if I become friends with someone, Kevin will find something wrong with the person, make unkind comments about them to me and make me feel guilty for wanting to be with them. It could be the person is too loud, too opinionated, has different eating habits than his, etc.

The friend's gender or sexual orientation has no bearing. I have had to forgo friendships over the years because it's just easier to do that than to argue. I love being with Kevin, but I'm not sure what I can do to resolve this challenge. He doesn't feel a need to change. What should I do?-- "DAN" IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR "DAN": Start by recognizing that what Kevin is doing may be a reflection of his insecurity. The more time you spend with someone else, the less you spend with him. He doesn't feel a need to change because his nitpicking has been successful in diverting you from these friendships.

Try this: The next time you become friendly with someone and Kevin starts putting the person down, don't take the bait. Tell him he's entitled to his opinion and if he'd like to join you, he is welcome. If not, you'll see him later. It may help you to establish some independence. Mature adults can do that and still have a healthy relationship.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Aug 23, 2013
1- Being a whiny loser turns women off, dude.

2- Let me guess, you were molested by your father?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Aug 23, 2013
1 Listen to dog, he is the voice of experience in this matter.

2 Again, another dog self revelation.

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

#4 Aug 23, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Listen to dog, he is the voice of experience in this matter.
2 Again, another dog self revelation.
LOL !!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Aug 23, 2013
L1: You're retired military. ORDER women to date you.

L2: Shrug it off. Stop taking it so personally. He is just a grumpy old man. Maybe he can hang out with race.

:D

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Aug 23, 2013
I'm not grumpy, I'm Grizzled!
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: You're retired military. ORDER women to date you.
L2: Shrug it off. Stop taking it so personally. He is just a grumpy old man. Maybe he can hang out with race.
:D
Anonymous

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Aug 23, 2013
LW1: There is a different kind of "baggage" that comes with a man that's never been in a serious relationship. I lived it. It comes in the form of being unable/unwilling to compromise, always putting "self" first and never caring for anyone's needs but your own. Completely inflexible. I picked a man like that and it was a horrible, horrible experience. I can't blame people for scaring away from that. LW could be different, but iot's hard at that age not to be completely set in your ways (especially a military person).

LW2: RACE is Grumpy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Aug 23, 2013
LW1: Lie.

LW2: Lie.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#9 Aug 23, 2013
StinaRocks wrote:
LW1: There is a different kind of "baggage" that comes with a man that's never been in a serious relationship. I lived it. It comes in the form of being unable/unwilling to compromise, always putting "self" first and never caring for anyone's needs but your own. Completely inflexible. I picked a man like that and it was a horrible, horrible experience. I can't blame people for scaring away from that. LW could be different, but iot's hard at that age not to be completely set in your ways (especially a military person).
LW2: RACE is Grumpy.
Yeah I couldn't imagine getting involved with someone who's never been in a serious relationship of any duration...and then being career military, yeah, thanks, no.

*I* am "set in my ways" but at least I've had the life experience of being in a relationship that wasn't all about what I want or need and wasn't full of regulations (like the military is) so I *can* be flexible (sometimes lol) but someone that age who's never needed to put someone else first, request (as opposed to order) something be done...and on and on isn't something *I* would want.

The no kids/ex wife thing is a bonus, but really it's not enough to make up for the negatives IMO.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#10 Aug 23, 2013
What girls does LW1 want to ask to date him? A widow or other single mom in college would be very different from a cute girl in her twenties.

If LW2 is feeling boxed in by Kevin, LW2 could point out that it is healthy to have friends. A
soft, "I don't agree," isn't "fighting words"....

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Aug 23, 2013
LW1: Swagga! Step on the scene with the gangsta lean and quit being a pansy.

Honestly, you probably just need to lower your expectations and find someone who is on a similar level as you.

LW2: Iím not sure why Kevin needs to be friends with yours or even around them. If Kevin doesnít like one of them and you do, then donít bring Kevin around when you hang with them.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Aug 23, 2013
It's because kevin is 19yrs older. Probably hooked up with the LW while he was in HS and is afraid to let him out for fear he will sample another sausage and like it.
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: Iím not sure why Kevin needs to be friends with yours or even around them. If Kevin doesnít like one of them and you do, then donít bring Kevin around when you hang with them.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Aug 23, 2013
LW1: Team Stina/Mimi. Not being able to compromise is a huge drawback. I do think that people can learn and grow at any age, though. LW needs to find a very patient woman who is willing to work with him.

LW2: Kevin is threatened by your friendships. You've sacrificed a lot to be with him. Maybe it's time for a change.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Aug 23, 2013
I'm with Kuuipo for both letters.

Good luck to LW1 finding that patient person though!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Aug 23, 2013
1: I prefer a man who hasn't been married before (and am dating one my age now!) but it's hard finding them. It's sad when we accept a divorced person (i.e. failed marriage) over one who hasn't divorced and is being a bit choosier (like me).

2: Yeah, at his age and after 12 years, he'll change. Please.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#16 Aug 23, 2013
LW1: Plenty of (in fact, I'm betting the overwhelming majority) of military men have been in long-term relationships. Don't blame the military for your life-long singleness. Sounds like a lot of woman are telling you that you don't know how to/are unwilling to compromise. Listen to them.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Aug 23, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: I prefer a man who hasn't been married before (and am dating one my age now!) but it's hard finding them. It's sad when we accept a divorced person (i.e. failed marriage) over one who hasn't divorced and is being a bit choosier (like me).
2: Yeah, at his age and after 12 years, he'll change. Please.
I don't think its a matter of lack of prior marriages so much a lack of any prior long term relationships. The latter would raise red flags for me, the former not so much.

The usual advice is to be friends with someone and allow it to morph into a dating relationship. Tat way the parties know each other. I would imagine that "career military" is a decent explanation for lack of LTR as being an Army brat is a decet explanation for a lack of high school buddies (at least before FB and Skype)

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#18 Aug 23, 2013
L1. You need some spunk. Some pizzazz, as Sub might say.
Something that sets you apart from every other toad out there...

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Aug 23, 2013
PEllen wrote:
I would imagine that "career military" is a decent explanation for lack of LTR as being an Army brat is a decet explanation for a lack of high school buddies (at least before FB and Skype)
I'm reading ann and nancy wilson (heart)'s autobiography. Their dad was a career Marine officer (their grandfather is a somewhat well-known war hero, and their dad is as well, from WWII and Korea). They lived in something like 35 houses in 25 different cities in a bunch of different countries before they even graduated high school. ann said they learned early on not to make close friends. No wonder she and nancy are so tight (along with their sister and parents).

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