Posted in the Chicago Forum
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#1 Jan 30, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been with my fiance for four years.
Throughout our relationship, a major source of upset, stress and contention for us is the strong need I feel for him to impress and get along with my family members (who can be quite judgmental). They are all difficult and don't get along well with one another, let alone me, but they love me, consider us "close," and have tried to be supportive of me throughout my life.
They have bad-mouthed him, questioned our relationship, and put him down to his face (and behind his back).
I have talked this through with them and was hoping things were improving. However, the day we got engaged, a friend posted the news on Facebook before I could call them.
Once I realized this I called over and over and left messages, sent texts, etc. I was devastated, and the fallout has nearly destroyed my fiance, our relationship and our relationship with my family. They were furious and mean, and now want us to get over it.
The truth is, my fiance called my mother to ask for my hand a few days prior to asking me, so they knew his plans.
How do we move on from this? How do I get them to see the hurt that they caused us?-- Lost
DEAR LOST: The way you portray this dynamic, your family members are bullies and you are the frightened child cowering in the corner, apologizing for their destructive behavior and begging them to forgive you and treat you well. This is how they "love" you.
There are two effective ways to respond to bullies: Stand up, or avoid. I suggest you do both.
You stand up by drafting a statement, which you should keep on hand for the day when you'll have to use it (soon, I'm guessing). You say a version of, "I'm tired of tolerating this treatment. I'm done with it." And then you quietly exit.
If your family members behave well, they will be rewarded for good behavior. If they behave poorly, you should avoid them.
You can change this dynamic, but it requires your willingness to put your own life (and your marriage) at the center of your world. People who are respectful and kind get to share your world with you. Everybody else can take a seat.
DEAR AMY: Last spring, I met the man of my dreams. I'm truly in love. However, only two months into our relationship, his mother passed away. He decided to move home (an hour and a half away) to help care for his father and sister, both of whom have health concerns.
As much as I love my boyfriend, the distance has been hard on me. He tells me it's not forever (the distance), and I know he means it, but it already feels like it's been forever.
I want to be there for him, but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by the situation that I feel like I'm more of a distraction and just one more thing on his plate. Everyone in his family seems to be going on with their lives except him. Do you have any advice?-- Lost
DEAR LOST: You should set a loose deadline with him -- say six months from now -- to revisit this issue to arrive at some kind of decision about your relationship. He may ultimately choose to stay with his family; you should prepare yourself for this possibility and understand that this is not a referendum on you.
For now, do your best to be supportive and generous.
DEAR AMY: I am an 82-year-old grandmother and take issue with your response to "Put Out," the young mom who was asked to pick up and drop off her parents from the airport a couple of times a year.
If her folks are prosperous and healthy enough to travel, they should spring for a cab. Guilting their daughter into airport runs isn't right.-- Traveling Gran
DEAR GRAN: The response to this letter has been surprising. Younger readers think "Put Out" is being ridiculous. Readers your age say these elders should take care of themselves.
“A Programmer is not in IT!”
Since: Feb 09
Neda, stay with me! Charlie
#2 Jan 30, 2014
1 Your whacked if you have a need for your boyfriend to impress these people. That is how YOU are handling the situation, they pizz on you and you take it, and they throw you a bone of affection for being such a good doormat. You need to do what lamy says, and quit beating your boyfriend up for not being a dork like yourself.
2 I got nothing, The guy is choosing, and you need to tell him that his choice means you move on.
3 Just sticks in your craw, don't it granny?
“Where is Everyone?”
Since: Jul 12
#3 Jan 30, 2014
L1: Impress? Your fiance has to impress your family? How about your family impressing him? You need to align yourself with your soon to be husband. the better thing is if everyone coudl just be themselves and be accepted. This LW sounds like she is judgmental as well. Family trait I guess. You can't make anyone see your hurt, you can only explain it to them calmly and they will either get it or not.
L2: Two months is not enough time to have cemented your relationship with him and get to know his family. Of course you feel excluded but this sounds like something he feels the need to do. You need to accept it and support him or move on.
L3: How long is this rehash going to play?
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#4 Jan 30, 2014
1- You and your family just love creating drama for yourselves, dontcha? Why is their behavior affecting YOUR relationship with your fiance? You need to start blowing these people off
2- Well, I doubt he's gonna bail on his father and sister at this point. You need to decide if you can deal with your boyfriend living an hour and a half away, or move on.
#5 Jan 30, 2014
1. I hope your future inlaws are better than your wacko family. If so, guess where all the holidays are going to be spent.
2. You met the guy about 9 months ago and 2 months later he used his dead mother as a reason to move away and turn you into an occasioanal booty call? Momma must be rolling in her grave. Or cheering him on from it.
3. I would try to spend quality time with them when they visit and get a car service to take them to the airport. But can't we put this to rest already?
“The two baby belly, please!”
Since: Sep 09
#6 Jan 30, 2014
LW2: What Toj said.
LW3: Could someone please drive this rehash to the airport?
#7 Jan 30, 2014
LW1 needs to quit letting these mean relatives cut her butterfly wings
to turn her back into a caterpillar. She has a good man and shoulod run away with him.
LW2 team TOJ.
LW3 substitute: What city woulod be nice to visit if you could go to any airport and afford a week's vacation there?
Since: Jun 09
#8 Jan 30, 2014
LW1 is not independent enough to get married. There is nothing in the letter about how her fiance s dealing with the prospect of in-laws from hell. She first needs to separate from her family emotionally and hope that the fiance sticks around for the process.
LW2 Sweetheart, a significant number of people commute and hour and a half each way, each day. What are you doing sitting on your special little duff whining for him to come to you?
His reaction when you tell hm you are coming over will tell you a lot. These peple will be your i laws and after you get married you will be expected to help with their health issues. Still interested?
LW3 The difference and for me the distinction is that in tat original letter, the parents expected and essentially ordered the ride.A simple change of phraseology to request whether daughter can take them to the airport would put a whole different complexion on this.
TL;DR? Order me and I am busy, ask me nicely and it's Well, sure.
#9 Jan 30, 2014
LW2 sounds like a needy selfish whiner. No wonder he took off as soon as momma kicked the bucket.
#10 Jan 30, 2014
LW1: You need to get over your "strong need" for your fiance to impress your unimpressable, dysfunctional, whacko family. You should get down on your knees and thank the deity of your choice that he's had the patience to tolerate them for four years. I would have told them to eff off 3 1/2 years ago. Take Amy's advice. And I agree w/everyone who said "elope."
LW2: Team PEllen.
#11 Jan 30, 2014
LW1: I hope your fiance runs far and fast--both from your rotten family, and from you! You're every bit as judgmental as they are, and completely immature. Your fiance can do soooooooooooo much better.
LW2: Waaaaaah, waaaaaaaaah, Grow the F up.
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