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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 22, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother is narcissistic, self-absorbed and extremely cruel. Her physician has consulted with my sister and me and verified these challenging traits. When she says something or acts out, she'll say, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change."

How can my sister and I deal with the needs of an elderly parent who continues to verbally and emotionally mistreat us and others? My sister is beginning to react in a defensive, angry manner (rightfully so), and all I do is cry and feel guilty for wanting to get away from her.-- REACHED WIT'S END IN LOMA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR REACHED WIT'S END: Because your mother is behaving the way she always has, her unpleasantness can't be blamed on old age. The next time she acts out and tells you, "I am who I am, so don't expect me to change," respond by saying: "That's right. You are who you are, but I don't have to subject myself to this. If it happens again, I'm out of here." Then follow through.

If that doesn't discourage her unpleasant behavior, consider hiring a social worker or licensed caregiver to see her needs are attended to. That's not abandonment; it's self-defense.

DEAR ABBY: I recently came out to my family as transgender (male to female). However, they still call me "gay." I have told them repeatedly that "transgender" and "gay" are not the same, but they won't listen. They accept and love me "as I am," and I'm grateful for that. But I need them to accept me -- the real me -- as I am in my heart.

I am biologically male and there are people in my life who don't care about that; they care about me as a human being and want to spend their lives with me. It hurts when my parents keep calling me "gay" and their "son." Please help me, Abby. My heart is hurting.-- GIRL NEEDING ADVICE

DEAR GIRL: Believe it or not, your parents may need as much or more help than you do. Although you have told them you are transgender, they do not appear to fully grasp that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.

A terrific educational resource for them would be PFLAG. It's an organization made up of parents, families, friends and straight allies united with gay, bisexual and transgender people. Part of their mission is education, and there are chapters in all 50 states. Contact them at www.pflag.org . Their literature will help your parents understand.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 40s. My girlfriend and I have known each other for four years, but have grown much closer over the past few months. She's divorced with no kids.

I have asked her to stop going to a gym that she regularly visits. In the past, she had sex with a guy from there. He no longer goes there, but she craves that environment. She says she goes to keep in shape. I say she made a name for herself there, and requested she go to another gym. What do you think?-- JEFF IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JEFF: "Made a name for herself"? That's an antiquated phrase I haven't heard in a while. Because you asked, I will offer a few thoughts:

The individual this lady had the fling with is long gone. I doubt at this point whether anyone at that gym cares or remembers. If the "atmosphere" has you worried, go with her, and I'm sure you will quickly realize that the members go there to tone up rather than hook up.

A word of advice: The harder you try to control your girlfriend the further you'll drive her away, so stop acting like a dumbbell.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Mar 22, 2013
3 Again with the male wanting to control!!! sheesh, give it a rest will ya. He requested! That means he asked, he did not demand. Whats he supposed to do? Not even ask?
Amby loves to turn discussions into Control issues, well if its the guy trying to have the discussion anyway.

2 Gay stuff, dont care.

1 If she is always been this way, you should have figured this out like 50yrs ago.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Mar 22, 2013
LW1: What Abby said.

LW2: You have a penis. You like men. Gay.

LW3: What a moron. She had a sexual relationship there with one person who does not even go there anymore and he thinks she's got a rep now? Does he think the dude scrawled her number on the bathroom wall? Is her name Jenny? If this moron goes to a gym and knows all the details of all the other members bedroom exploits, he's way to damn nosy and got way too much time on his hands.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Mar 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
3 Again with the male wanting to control!!! sheesh, give it a rest will ya. He requested! That means he asked, he did not demand. Whats he supposed to do? Not even ask?
I ain't with you today. What's he supposed to do? Not even ask? YES. That's exactly what he's supposed to do. There is zero reason for her to stop going to the gym. The guy's an idiot. I'm on board with characterizing this guy as insecure and controlling.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Mar 22, 2013
L1: Stick the lousy mother in a nursing home and be done. YOu don't owe her anything. My mom is a good mom, so I'll do pretty much whatever she needs.

L2: They love and accept you as you are? COunt your blessings. Many trans people would be thrilled just for that and would not put so much weight on the proper terminology.

L3: I think you're an insecure twerp who needs to grow up.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 22, 2013
LW1: What Abby said.

LW2: What Tonka said.

LW3: You are a nut.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Mar 22, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: You have a penis. You like men. Gay.
Yeah, until he actually does hormones and has some surgery, I agree with this.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#8 Mar 22, 2013
LW1 - "How can my sister and I deal with the needs of an elderly parent who continues to verbally and emotionally mistreat us and others? "

Put her in a nursing home. And visit seldom and for short periods of time.

LW2 - What Abby said.

LW3 - You are a jealous control freak. Your girlfriend should dump you ASAP. Unfortunately, she did not ask for advice.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, until he actually does hormones and has some surgery, I agree with this.
And if he does have surgery and hormones, I won't know what to call him, cause I damn sure would not consider him female.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Mar 22, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
I ain't with you today. What's he supposed to do? Not even ask? YES. That's exactly what he's supposed to do. There is zero reason for her to stop going to the gym. The guy's an idiot. I'm on board with characterizing this guy as insecure and controlling.
Yeah, this.

He's probably one of those guys who wants her to stop working out so she gets fat and isn't desirable to other men.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Mar 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
3 Again with the male wanting to control!!! sheesh, give it a rest will ya. He requested! That means he asked, he did not demand. Whats he supposed to do? Not even ask?
Amby loves to turn discussions into Control issues, well if its the guy trying to have the discussion anyway.
2 Gay stuff, dont care.
1 If she is always been this way, you should have figured this out like 50yrs ago.
3. Disagree. In this circumstance ( and with this underlyong attitude) the request is an attempt to control. If he said I don't like your going to that Gold's- the neighborhood is bad, that's neutral. But he has said, I don't want you to go to that Gold's becaus tht's where you hooked up with Harry 3 yaers ago, that's a controlled attemot to control. And what would happen if she agreed, went to teh Bally's a couple blocks away only to find out that's where Harry goes now?
2 Yup
1 Filters come off as people get old. 50 years ago, LW had more mobility and less responsibility for caring for her mother presumably- she could get away from her with less guilt. I like the social worker option.(I am dealing with this first hand with both my parents and my in laws. I have tons of sympathy for LW)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Mar 22, 2013
Not seeing a diff between either one of your examples. Sure the reason for the request differs, but it is still the same request "Please dont go there" and it is everyone's (but mine) contention that the request itself is wrong, no mater the reason.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
3. Disagree. In this circumstance ( and with this underlyong attitude) the request is an attempt to control. If he said I don't like your going to that Gold's- the neighborhood is bad, that's neutral. But he has said, I don't want you to go to that Gold's becaus tht's where you hooked up with Harry 3 yaers ago, that's a controlled attemot to control. And what would happen if she agreed, went to teh Bally's a couple blocks away only to find out that's where Harry goes now?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#13 Mar 22, 2013
1- if she's always been this way and you're just now asking Abby what to do about it, there's nothing she can tell you.

2- Do you have a pnis? Do you like men? YOU'RE GAY! Get over it.

3- Talk about a controlling, paranoid ahole.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Mar 22, 2013
So, if you are staring down a woman's cleavage and your wife asks you not to do that because it makes her uncomfortable, you're going to ignore her request because you have zero reason to stop doing it?

Part of a relationship is to consider your partners feelings about things right?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
I ain't with you today. What's he supposed to do? Not even ask? YES. That's exactly what he's supposed to do. There is zero reason for her to stop going to the gym. The guy's an idiot. I'm on board with characterizing this guy as insecure and controlling.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Mar 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
So, if you are staring down a woman's cleavage and your wife asks you not to do that because it makes her uncomfortable, you're going to ignore her request because you have zero reason to stop doing it?
Part of a relationship is to consider your partners feelings about things right?
<quoted text>
Ogling other women while with my wife is disrespectful to her. Going to a gym where I hooked up with someone once before and that person is not longer there? Not disrespectful. I could not and would not be with someone that insecure.

My wife and her friend took a vacation for her friend's 35th birthday. they went to a tropical location at a tropical resort. My only problem with it was the extra parental load on me for becoming single dad for a few days. But other than that, my wife's a grown ass woman and I trust her.

Her friend? Well, her friend's husband? Insecure. Did not like the idea at all. Tried all sorts of scare tactics to convince her she should not go(like telling her how dangerous it is for single women to travel out of the country).

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#16 Mar 22, 2013
Ogling other women with your wife present is NOT disrespectful to her unless YOU feel like you are disrespecting her. If you were to personally feel it is fine then your wifes view is of no consequence correct?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Ogling other women while with my wife is disrespectful to her. Going to a gym where I hooked up with someone once before and that person is not longer there? Not disrespectful. I could not and would not be with someone that insecure.
My wife and her friend took a vacation for her friend's 35th birthday. they went to a tropical location at a tropical resort. My only problem with it was the extra parental load on me for becoming single dad for a few days. But other than that, my wife's a grown ass woman and I trust her.
Her friend? Well, her friend's husband? Insecure. Did not like the idea at all. Tried all sorts of scare tactics to convince her she should not go(like telling her how dangerous it is for single women to travel out of the country).

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Mar 22, 2013
L1: I'd get a caregiving right away and barely visit.

L2: Have more patience. They're just learning. People on here don't even understand it and they're not related to you. Transgender FEELS like they are the opposite sex inside. It's like you are a girl and you can't fathom why you have boy parts.

L3: I have asked her to stop going to a gym that she regularly visits. In the past, she had sex with a guy from there. He no longer goes there, but she craves that environment. She says she goes to keep in shape. I say she made a name for herself there, and requested she go to another gym. What do you think?

He had asked, she had answered -- he continues to get all jealous and controlling. He even writes Abby. He needs help.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#18 Mar 22, 2013
LW1: If your guilt prevents you from just dumping her altogether, then find a nursing home or a health care aid to tend to her. She made this bed, now she can lay in it.

LW2: What Red said. It seems like you're just look for drama now.

LW3: "...but she craves that environment."

And what environment is that exactly? The sweaty, smelly kind?
ChicagolandChica

Atlanta, GA

#19 Mar 22, 2013
Dear god, do none of you know what transgender means?

She is a woman in a man's body. If she likes me, that makes her straight. This is not difficult. Hormones and/or surgery will help her look more like herself, but she is a woman either way.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Mar 22, 2013
This was the answer I was hoping to hear.
He's a dooshe because he cant drop it, not because he asked to begin with.
Toj wrote:
L3: He had asked, she had answered -- he continues to get all jealous and controlling. He even writes Abby. He needs help.

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