“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 17, 2014
DEAR AMY: We recently had to put our cat down. It came out of the blue. We had no idea that he had health issues, and we woke up early one morning to the cat crying out in pain. We immediately rushed him to the vet where the decision was made to put him down.

The vet said that at best treatment might prolong his life by two to three months. We did not want to see him suffer, so we chose to euthanize the cat.

I am having a rough time! I cry when I am alone. I cry when I see pet commercials on television.

I put away everything that reminds me of the cat. But the last sight of seeing the cat in pain plays over and over in my head. I have had pets for most of my life, but these were my parents' pets, not truly mine. I spent most of the day with the cat since everyone else was either at work or school.

My kids seem OK with what has happened, but why am I struggling?

It has only been one week since his passing, so I hope things will get better. Do you have any suggestions?-- So Sad

DEAR SAD: There is no loss quite like the loss of a pet; these animals keep us company through important life passages and are beloved witnesses to our human lives.

I understand your instinct to put away all of your cat's things, but it may help you now to memorialize your pet by creating a temporary shrine of sorts. Each family member can write down favorite things about him or memories of him; read their memories aloud and put the papers inside his bowl. The idea is to replace those traumatic last memories with much more lively memories taking place over the bulk of the animal's life.

Time will then do its job, which is to impose perspective. And then, when you're ready, I hope you will adopt another animal and give it the opportunity to share your life.

DEAR AMY: My divorced brother had an on-again, off-again long-distance relationship with my divorced sister-in-law (my wife's sister), which has ruined our family gatherings. We are all in our 50s.

My brother will not attend family gatherings if she is attending. He will stay home despite the fact that his sons will come to my house for family gatherings by themselves.

My brother will ask my mother (a busybody if ever there was one) to check with us to see if my sister-in-law is attending. It has gotten to the point where if my mother finds out that my sister-in-law is going to be at our home, she will plan a separate party for my brother. She claims that my sister-in-law and my brother were making a future together and now he is shattered. My wife and I think his behavior is immature and that my mother is enabling his bad behavior. When I told my mother this, she hung up on me. I am hoping you can share your views on this situation. We are hopeful that a sane reply in print may make a difference.-- Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED: Given the family dynamic, I don't think a sane reply in print will make much difference, but my perspective is that the more your mother interferes and compensates, the longer your brother's heartache will be prolonged.

Whether a person is 5 or 50 years old, the best message to send when someone is hurting is, "I'm so sorry. This is tough. You can feel better and you will feel better. You can do it."

Your mother is conveying the opposite, and your brother is responding accordingly.

DEAR AMY: "Broken-hearted Father" was worried about his daughter, who was going through a terrible breakup with a fellow grad student.

I agree with your advice to him, but I want to add that she should withdraw from school now, rather than later.-- Formerly Heartbroken

DEAR FORMERLY: I agree the daughter should change schools but think she should try to tough out the semester.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jan 17, 2014
1- Oh God. Get another cat.

2- This is why you don't date your family members.

3- Yeah, drop out of school over some boy. BRILLIANT!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 17, 2014
1 Losing your kitty (or any pet) is tough, but the good news is that there are plenty of delightful kitty's waiting to bring you happiness, go to the shelter and get one.

2 Tell your bro to grow a pair. Prolly why she dumped him.

3 I hope you meant transfer, not literally drop out. No wonder you been there.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Jan 17, 2014
LW1: Get another cat.

LW2: You have a lot of PITAs in your family. I think I would just avoid family functions. Too much drama.

LW3: Huh? Maybe I don’t recall the letter, but is withdrawing/transferring from school really the answer? Shouldn’t folks learn to deal with loss in a more healthy way? That sounds bonkers to me.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jan 17, 2014
1. There are pet grief counselors. Your vet can give you some resources.

Take your kids to an animal shelter just to look and pet all the cats. Be guided by your kids as to when to get another one. My girls usually wanted another pet within a matter of a week. My husband was surprisingly the one who wanted a car free house for a while to grieve.. We had a cat named Jasper that had to be put down. There is a restaurant named Jasper's not far away. The girls wanted to go there after the vet. My husband was genuinely skeeved out, but went. We got Sylvester about a week later.

2. Your MIL is doing you a favor by having an alternate party for your BIL- that keeps both the drama queens out of your house.

I agree with Race, I can understand why the SIL , and probably his ex wife dumped him

I am rather curious, though, about how your sister acts and whether she brings a new BF to these things.

3. Hovering parents aside, some people take breakups harder than others. Younger daughter had a bf from high school. They went to different colleges- he in Maine, she is PA. They broke up sophomore year and he took it real hard and dropped out for a whole year.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Jan 17, 2014
L1: Give it some time and then go get another pet.

L2: Seriously, you're not going to change them. I'd ignore that situation. His deal. If your mother and him want to do all that foolishness it doesn't mean you have to participate.

L3: Only change schools if you think it might affect your GPA negatively to stay. People take this kind of stuff very differently.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Jan 17, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW3: Huh? Maybe I don’t recall the letter, but is withdrawing/transferring from school really the answer? Shouldn’t folks learn to deal with loss in a more healthy way? That sounds bonkers to me.
normally i agree. But this dumbass chose this school specifically caise of bf when there was another that was a better match. So yeah, educstionally speaking, transfering might be best as she nevet should have selected the school she's in

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>normally i agree. But this dumbass chose this school specifically caise of bf when there was another that was a better match. So yeah, educstionally speaking, transfering might be best as she nevet should have selected the school she's in
Okay ... yeah, I didn't remember the letter or that fact. That sounds reasonable.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#9 Jan 17, 2014
LW1: Team Race. Having a new kitty will take the edge off of the grief and give you a new pet to love.

LW2: It's too late to take back what you said to your mother, but going forward, you can extricate yourself from this situation as much as possible. Whether your brother is shattered, grieving, or immature, let him manage his own emotions. Don't offer opinions, don't get emotionally invested, and don't expect him to visit when SIL is there. Don't give him advice. If he talks about the situation, listen to him for a reasonable amount of time, and then say, "I'm sorry it didn't work out" and attempt to change the subject.

LW3: Team Sublime. Actually, both LW2 and LW3 need to learn to deal with loss in a healthy way. I think LW3 will be able to tough out the semester and then transfer. School will keep her mind occupied.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jan 17, 2014
LW2: "My brother will not attend family gatherings if she is attending."
That's his prerogative.

"It has gotten to the point where if my mother finds out that my sister-in-law is going to be at our home, she will plan a separate party for my brother."
So what.

"My wife and I think his behavior is immature and that my mother is enabling his bad behavior."
Again, so what?
Does him not attending ruin your party? Doesn't sound like it. His kids still attend. Sound like your party goes off with out a hitch(or him)
How does mom throwing a party for him negatively affect you or anyone else?
Do you attend? You don't have to.
Do you have fun when you attend? No? Then don't attend. Yes? Then what's the problem?

Quit trying to get them to act ho you want them to.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 3 min Cheech the Conser... 1,600,686
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 34 min KitKaboodle 11,303
Child Molestation at Chicago Cult 2 hr Yes We Can 21
Canada,not so welcoming after all!! 2 hr One Country Down 3
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 3 hr Misses Abiff 242,610
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 3 hr RACE 105,266
News Some in Cicero take issue with flying of Mexica... (Oct '08) 5 hr They cannot kill ... 1,574

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages