Amy 7/27

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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Jul 27, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am a wife (10 years) and mother of a school-age daughter. A year ago we moved halfway across the country to start a new life and for my husband’s career. This year we will finally go back “home” for Christmas to visit family.

My parents are divorced. Although it happened some time ago, the resentment between them is still pretty raw.
I have three siblings (ages 17-24), and we all feel tugged back and forth and torn between parents. I only have 10 days during the holidays to make up for a year of not seeing everyone, but I am already starting to get anxious and worried that I will upset either parent.

They do not do a good job of making any of us feel flexible to spend time with whomever we please. Their faces say it all; sometimes their words say it too.

I just want to have a nice vacation, especially for my daughter’s sake, but I still feel like a kid in a divorced home. How do I let go of those feelings and just be okay with visiting who I want, when I want, without fear of disappointing everyone?-- Already Scrooge

DEAR SCROOGE: First, wipe from your mind any notion that this will be a “vacation” for any of you. Taking a child across the country to visit divorced parents over the holidays is the very definition of “work.”

Your stress will be diminished if you choose the most neutral, comfortable “home base” where you will all stay. Spending at least part of the time in a hotel might give your family a breather from the family dynamic.

After that, it’s all about mental preparation and boundary setting. Be firm, friendly and determined to be oblivious to body language and guilt trips.

Practice responding to your parents a version of this:“I know this is hard on you, but we’re doing our very best to spend time with everyone. A great Christmas gift for all of us would be to have a peaceful, guilt-free visit. Can you help us achieve that?”

This will be challenging, but the traditions (and boundaries) you start to establish this year will give all of you ideas to build (and improve) upon in years to come.

DEAR AMY: There is a woman I work with who is just amazing. She’s smart, funny, gorgeous, sweet and just all-around awesome!

I’ve told her I liked her, and she responded with,“I’m not looking for a relationship now.”

My question is, what do I do now? She isn’t looking for a relationship now, but she may in the future, right?

I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to force a relationship on her. I don’t want to come on too strong. Your advice?-- Cuddly Colleague

DEAR CUDDLY: You’ve been honest. You’ve been bold and forthright. Let me provide a translation of your co-worker’s response. When she says,“I’m not looking for a relationship now,” what she means is,“You are sweet to be interested in me, but I am not interested in dating you.”

Now that this has been established, you should respond to your lovely co-worker by being a good friend and a good worker, nothing more.

DEAR AMY: I frequently see letters in your column outlining how entitled and ungrateful young (post-college) adults are. Our son at that age was ungrateful too. We went back and forth for many years dealing with his immaturity, his thoughtlessness and his bad decisions.

Something changed when he turned 25, and for the next three years you couldn’t ask for a better son. Not too long ago he even told his friends that his mom (me) was one of his best friends.

He and his dad couldn’t have been closer. Two months ago he was killed in a car accident at the age of 28. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful, truly grateful, that we welcomed him back one more time.-- Christie

DEAR CHRISTIE: My heartfelt sympathy to you. Your story is a poignant reminder that young people do mature and change. A smart parent will stay present to witness the transformation.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#2
Jul 27, 2013
 
L1 It is July. You have several months yet. Make a schedule. Share it on line, but you make the schedule because if you ask everyone will push/pull and there will be headaches. Lots of families have "Christmas" on days which are not 24/25. P.S. If you go to church, make sure you say which church and which service you will attend
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#3
Jul 27, 2013
 
1: Anyone who makes me feel guilty or acts worse than my child does not deserve my stress.
LW best grow a pair of ovaries, set boundaries, and most importantly: know they will act like fools and refuse to let herself feel badly over it! Her reactions/emotions are the only thing she should worry with.

2: She's just not that into you.

3: Uh...ok....sorry, but doesn't change the fact that millenials are super entitled, want more for doing less, have zero critical thinking and coping skills, and still have parents calling professors and HR on their behalf!
There is a reason article after article after study is coming out about them, and how no one wants to hire them.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#4
Jul 27, 2013
 
1- You might "feel" like a kid in a divorced home, but face it, you're not. Try acting like an adult.

2- Give it up, she's not a lesbian.

3- I've heard that the brain doesn't fully develop until around age 25. When I hit that age, I do believe my maturity level went up a few notches. And what cheluzal said. And thanks for not having a question.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#5
Jul 27, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
1: Anyone who makes me feel guilty or acts worse than my child does not deserve my stress.
LW best grow a pair of ovaries, set boundaries, and most importantly: know they will act like fools and refuse to let herself feel badly over it! Her reactions/emotions are the only thing she should worry with.
Definitely. You can't control how other people behave, but you can control how YOU deal with them. I so wouldn't stress over it, but then again I set boundaries very early on. My step-mom was a game player, she would make m dad's life miserable. When I was about 22 I think, I made a point of oign to their house and told them to leave me thefukoutofit...if they had issues with my mom, that was between them and had nothing to do with me. It worked, imagine that.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#6
Jul 27, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
2- Give it up, she's not a lesbian.
You were doing so well then you had to go and take a turn at stupid, vulgar, and offensive. The LW didn't say anything about being a female.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#7
Jul 27, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
3: Uh...ok....sorry, but doesn't change the fact that millenials are super entitled, want more for doing less, have zero critical thinking and coping skills, and still have parents calling professors and HR on their behalf!
There is a reason article after article after study is coming out about them, and how no one wants to hire them.
Right? I mean there are individuals of course who aren't like this (Pixx comes to mind) but as a group, yeah. That's what happens with everyone getting a trophy just for showing up...seriously, it creates unrealistic expectations. I am so glad I just had to learn that life isn't fair starting when I was a young child. No one ever gave me a blue ribbon for breathing.

Edog's right about things starting to get better about 25-ish though. Frontal lobe starts working better; better decisions, better at looking at the big picture/long range/consequences, etc., but I've heard of people in their early 30s having Mommy or Daddy calling HR, with their full knowledge and consent! Whattheactualfuck?

I actually had this happen to me about 20 years ago. I'd had to fire someone,(she was SO bad) and her mommy called me to tell me I was being unfair because her brilliant talented daughter who was doing so much work in the space of each day got fired by mean old me. I was nice but I laid it out for Mommy that 1) I didn't owe her an explanation, and 2) let me clue you in to her "talent" that *I* have to keep fixing, for free because she is a) incompetent and b) as slow as molasses at the South Pole. I mean hell I even gave her an extra week's pay just because I hate firing people and I felt sorry for her. That conversation with her mom was so uncomfortable for me that there is no way I would do it again.

No way, no how will I have a conversation with the parent of anyone over 18 because Junior/Juniorette didn't like their grade. They will tell you all day "I'm an adult," so ok, you're an adult, act like one.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#8
Jul 27, 2013
 
1 Airplanes go both directions. Granny/gramps can visit you.

2 You're a loser, not because the chick blew you off, but because you needed this advice hack to translate for you.

3 Not me! I was a genius at 8 and I have not learned a thing since!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#9
Jul 27, 2013
 

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Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
You were doing so well then you had to go and take a turn at stupid, vulgar, and offensive. The LW didn't say anything about being a female.
You have to make allowances for someone who has *not* yet reached the 25yo level of maturity.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#10
Jul 27, 2013
 

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DEAR AMY: There is a woman I work with who is just amazing. She’s smart, funny, gorgeous, sweet and just all-around awesome!
I’ve told her I liked her, and she responded with,“I’m not looking for a relationship now.”
My question is, what do I do now? She isn’t looking for a relationship now, but she may in the future, right?
I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to force a relationship on her. I don’t want to come on too strong. Your advice?-- Cuddly Colleague

LW: Hey, Moron--She.Is.Not.Interested.I n.You.
Jeebus--you are *frighteningly* clueless. Why don't you go back to high school and leave her the eff alone. <huge eye roll>

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#11
Jul 27, 2013
 
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
You have to make allowances for someone who has *not* yet reached the 25yo level of maturity.
True...

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#12
Jul 27, 2013
 

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Oh, come on! What dude would sign his letter "Cuddly Colleague?"!
dahgts

Chicago Heights, IL

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#13
Jul 27, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
Oh, come on! What dude would sign his letter "Cuddly Colleague?"!
You have proved time and time again that you have very little comprehension of human nature outside of your own little sphere. I can certainly imagine a guy who's maybe a little odd writing that. I've run into types like that. I can also imagine a girl writing that ....however I'm not assuming one or the other just so I can make a stupid comment meant to get attention to myself.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#14
Jul 28, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Right? I mean there are individuals of course who aren't like this (Pixx comes to mind) but as a group, yeah. That's what happens with everyone getting a trophy just for showing up...seriously, it creates unrealistic expectations. I am so glad I just had to learn that life isn't fair starting when I was a young child. No one ever gave me a blue ribbon for breathing.
PREACH!!
It is infuriating, and we all talk about it, but society cycles and this crappy cycle we are in needs to end!
I think it's slowly shifting. I had great parental support this past year and laid it out clearly to the parents. I stopped sugar-coating and went right for the vein: will do it with this coming year's gifted kids' parents.
They have to let the kid experience failure and how to deal with it. They want to protect and then the kids can't handle any little thing in life.

This opinion might be incendiary, but I believe it's why so many kids are killing themselves over bullying. Bullying sucks, but it won't go away. Let's be realistic. It's always been around; always will be. So let's teach kids to deal/cope with it.
Saddens and agers me.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#15
Jul 28, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
Oh, come on! What dude would sign his letter "Cuddly Colleague?"!
Its a skeevy nom de plume regardless of which sex it is, but on consideration is seems less likely to be a guy..

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#16
Jul 28, 2013
 
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
PREACH!!
It is infuriating, and we all talk about it, but society cycles and this crappy cycle we are in needs to end!
I think it's slowly shifting. I had great parental support this past year and laid it out clearly to the parents. I stopped sugar-coating and went right for the vein: will do it with this coming year's gifted kids' parents.
They have to let the kid experience failure and how to deal with it. They want to protect and then the kids can't handle any little thing in life.
This opinion might be incendiary, but I believe it's why so many kids are killing themselves over bullying. Bullying sucks, but it won't go away. Let's be realistic. It's always been around; always will be. So let's teach kids to deal/cope with it.
Saddens and agers me.
Will you administration back you up when you have thrown this bucket of cold water over the parental heads?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#17
Jul 29, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
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Will you administration back you up when you have thrown this bucket of cold water over the parental heads?
I could care less at this point.
But when she told me I was doing gifted, I told her I expected her support with parents when they whined to her about my high expectations, which she wants. She agreed, but even if she doesn't, I am an adult and I will not be mistreated by any other person, even a parent.

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