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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Jan 9, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I have been married for 20 years. During much of that time, my husband has accused me of sleeping with some of the men I've worked with. Though I am friends with my co-workers, I have never been unfaithful.

I have come to discover my husband has been having sexually explicit conversations with a girl he knew from high school. I have found his profile on dating sites listing him as "single and looking for a commitment."

I am unsure if he has been having affairs all this time and has been blaming me to lessen his own guilt. How should I approach this, or should I just cut my losses and not look back? I have tried to pretend there isn't an elephant in the room, as we still have one child at home, but I have a hard time looking at him.-- Wondering, not Wandering

DEAR WONDERING: If you chose to cut your losses, what would that process be like? Would you leave a note for your husband and child on the kitchen table, and "Thelma and Louise" it in your Mustang convertible? After 20 years, you have to deal with your marriage, even if you ultimately choose to leave it.

I think it's probable, if not likely, that your husband has created a smoke screen of cheating accusations in order to obscure his own behavior. You could start a conversation by taking that elephant in your living room out for a little stroll. Reply to one of his online dating profiles.

"You're seeking commitment? Awesome! So am I!" you can say. Then you can take your conversation to the office of a professional marriage counselor.

DEAR AMY: Our daughter (who is a freshman in high school) has told us that she is physically attracted to girls as well as boys. She thinks she may be bisexual, as she currently has a "crush" on a girl. She has joined the Gay-Straight Alliance at school and enjoys hanging out with new friends who are gay. She also has been active in theater and choir for several years and knows gay people from those activities.

I am OK with her having those friendships, but I am not comfortable with her pursuing same-sex physical relationships at her age.

If she decides to live this lifestyle as an adult, we will certainly continue to love and support her. How do we approach the next four years of high school relationships?-- Puzzled Parents

DEAR PUZZLED: Sexual awareness, acceptance and ongoing sexual education should be an important part of every thoughtful parent's playbook.

I'm confused (and your daughter will be too) about your definition of unacceptable sexual behavior. If same-sex sexual relationships during high school make you uncomfortable, would your daughter having a sexual relationship with a boy be OK with you? If not, you should definitely let her know. Speak the truth -- often -- and with honesty and affection. And listen more than you talk.

There are very good reasons not to become sexually intimate before you are mature enough to handle it. The emotional intensity, for one thing, can be overwhelming. The risk of pregnancy and STDs is very real. You sound like very thoughtful people, and it is great that your daughter is so open with you about what she is thinking and feeling. Reach out to PFLAG ( pflag.org ) for more information about how to parent your daughter well. And realize that her sexuality is not a "lifestyle" but very much part of her core identity. Her sexual identification may change through time, but this is less a choice than a very human process.

DEAR AMY: "Tired" was a 12-year-old girl who complained that her parents made her do too much housework on the weekends -- and were never satisfied. Years ago when I lived next door to your mother, she and I agreed that the best reason to have kids was to have someone to help with the chores.-- Former Neighbor

DEAR NEIGHBOR: My mother was a character who taught us to break up the chores with a good book. I miss her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Jan 9, 2013
 

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1- I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song So while she lay there sleepin', I read the paper in bed And in the personal columns there was this letter I read
'If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape Then I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape'

2- She's 14, she doesn't yet know what she wants. Tell her to quit the Gay-straight alliance. They're filling her head with confusing thoughts and causing her to question what she's all about. This is why I'm opposed to such organizations, especially for young children.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Jan 9, 2013
 

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LW1: I actually like Amy's idea(even thought she took forevr to get to it). Create your own fake profile on the dating site and respond to him. Get a little dirt for divorce court.

LW2: "I am OK with her having those friendships, but I am not comfortable with her pursuing same-sex physical relationships at her age."

So does that mean you're ok with hetero PHYSICAL relationships at her age?

Sidenote: who here knew any out of the closet gays in HS? There were no openly gay kids in my HS. I can't say that I ever knew any openly gay people until my 2nd post college job.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#4
Jan 9, 2013
 

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LW1 - Amy nailed it.

LW2 - At least mom won't have to worry about teen pregnancy.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Jan 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Sidenote: who here knew any out of the closet gays in HS? There were no openly gay kids in my HS. I can't say that I ever knew any openly gay people until my 2nd post college job.
Not in my HS -- the only out gay people I knew were college students (I worked fast food in a college town).

Since: Jan 10

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#6
Jan 9, 2013
 

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L1:'How should I approach this, or should I just cut my losses and not look back? " Cut your losses and don't look back. I am NOT a "once a cheater always a cheater" person. But to be posting a profile on a dating site and calling himself single? He's a lying scumball jerkwad. Dump him.

"Then you can take your conversation to the office of a professional marriage counselor." No, Amy. Once the guy is advertising on a dating site, it's over, you ninny.

L2: AAARRRRGGGHHHH. "decides to live this lifestyle"????

You need to go to pflag.org and learn a few things about gay people. Do NOT talk about this with your kid until you do.

L3: Great. So Amy's ninnyness is genetic.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#7
Jan 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Sidenote: who here knew any out of the closet gays in HS? There were no openly gay kids in my HS. I can't say that I ever knew any openly gay people until my 2nd post college job.
Nope, but for the current generation, it's pretty common.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

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#8
Jan 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Sidenote: who here knew any out of the closet gays in HS? There were no openly gay kids in my HS. I can't say that I ever knew any openly gay people until my 2nd post college job.
There were a few lesbian couples I knew of in my high school (I graduated 1995). My husband, who graduated 1992, had several people in his class who were out during junior and particularly senior year.

I went to high school in Illinois, and my husband went to high school in Indiana. If you look at it percentage-wise, ironically he knew more people who were out ... my class had ~500 students, and I knew of 4. His class had ~120 students, and I think there were 6 who were out in high school.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

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#9
Jan 9, 2013
 
And another thought in addition ... in 1995, my high school had a rule that (1) you had to bring a date to prom, and (2) someone of the same sex did not count as a date.

My husband's high school did not any rule like that. In fact, he "took" his best male friend to prom (because they'd both just broken up with their girlfriends).

It's kind of funny that his high school in Indiana in 1992 was more progressive than my high school in Illinois in 1995.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Jan 9, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: AAARRRRGGGHHHH. "decides to live this lifestyle"????
You don't think impressionable youths can be swayed?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Jan 9, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You don't think impressionable youths can be swayed?
By who? Other impressionable youths? She joined a gay straight alliance at school. Who exactly are you afraid of swaying her? The gay boogey man?
pde

Homer Glen, IL

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#12
Jan 9, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You don't think impressionable youths can be swayed?
Who you are attracted to on that level is a deep and strong instinct. And having had a lot of interaction with younger kids in recent years due to my son, one that may be expressed/noticed very early in life. My 6-year-old has two male friends who, if they don't end up being gay men, I'm going to be somewhat surprised about that. And both of them are kids with very traditional families.

But given that I have had to give my son multiple lectures on when it's appropriate to tease, chase, and kiss the girls, I'm pretty sure he's going to end up a straight male. Oh, I hope he decides that girls have cooties soon ...
PEllen

Chicago, IL

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#13
Jan 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: I actually like Amy's idea(even thought she took forevr to get to it). Create your own fake profile on the dating site and respond to him. Get a little dirt for divorce court.
LW2: "I am OK with her having those friendships, but I am not comfortable with her pursuing same-sex physical relationships at her age."
So does that mean you're ok with hetero PHYSICAL relationships at her age?
Sidenote: who here knew any out of the closet gays in HS? There were no openly gay kids in my HS. I can't say that I ever knew any openly gay people until my 2nd post college job.
Not me, that's for sure, but I was in high school 63-67. Didn't meet anyone I suspected of being gay until college and din't meet anyone who was out until 1971. When was Stonewall?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#14
Jan 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>By who? Other impressionable youths? She joined a gay straight alliance at school. Who exactly are you afraid of swaying her? The gay boogey man?
Think of it like a support group. A bunch of people get together and say it's okay, and don't worry about anything, and we're all in this together and yada yada yada. Can you understand how that might "sway" somebody?

Since: Aug 08

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#15
Jan 9, 2013
 
LW1: I can guarantee there is a lot you don’t know about him. He’s almost certainly been cheating for a long time. Open your eyes and decide what you want to do knowing this.

Not only that, but it must also suck to be in a relationship with someone who is so accusatory, when you haven’t done anything. I would cut bait. This one is defective.

LW2: I think having relationships in those years are good practice for later in life. They are like “relationships light.”

I can understand not being crazy about it, because it surely is likely to bring all sorts of unwanted attention both to you as her parents and to her, but I think you should support your daughter. Sexual orientation is not something one can control. Who you fall in love with or not in love with is not something you can control.

I don’t understand why folks who are gay or bisexual should have to wait until they are adults to start having relationships. It doesn’t seem fair or healthy to me. Hopefully in 20 or 30 years this will be run of the mill.

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Jan 9, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You don't think impressionable youths can be swayed?
Maybe you were swayed, but there was no way I was interested in dating boys or experimenting with boys, at any age.

I don't think sexual orientation is something that can be swayed. You are either open to it or you are not.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

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#17
Jan 9, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Think of it like a support group. A bunch of people get together and say it's okay, and don't worry about anything, and we're all in this together and yada yada yada. Can you understand how that might "sway" somebody?
The only type of people I could see that "swaying" in any manner are those who have attractions to people of both sexes. So, someone ends up identifying as gay rather than bisexual. Not really seeing a problem.
ChicagolandChica

Atlanta, GA

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#18
Jan 9, 2013
 
I'm bisexual, and I probably would have realized it a lot sooner if my parents were supportive of that sort of thing and there had been a GSA in my high school.

As it was, I crushed on and dated a few guys and secretly read books like Annie on My Mind.

If that girl's not actually bisexual, she'll figure it out, but there's no harm in her being around open-minded people. Women tend to be more situational and open-minded (which doesn't actually change our orientation, just makes us more open to discovering it and less likely to call ourselves lesbians if we're still attracted to men).

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
Jan 9, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Think of it like a support group. A bunch of people get together and say it's okay, and don't worry about anything, and we're all in this together and yada yada yada. Can you understand how that might "sway" somebody?
Ask yourself this: Could anyone sway you to like guys in a sexual way or could they have swayed you in HS?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#20
Jan 9, 2013
 
L1: I, too, love the fake profile thing but I'm also thinking he doesn't deserve the time and effort involved in doing it. However, if i would vent her anger I say go for it. After 20 years the LW deserves to vent and get back at him. Not my usual M.O. but I could see it.

L2: Yes -- big question -- if it was a guy she would support it?

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